Anyone do a background check on a date?

[OneNow]

Finally ready and found someone Id like to meet..but of course scared for many reasons. Having heard horror stories from friends who have found someone from dating sites..I think of all the what ifs..recently one friend found out after two months of dating the guy was married.

 

I know to meet in a public place..tell someone who..where you are meeting and then call them at a certain time for general safeness.

 

But how about the other things...like arrest records..marriages...etc. We've been messaging on the site for weeks...he seems very normal...actually checks all my criteria of what I want..and I am SUPER selective..actually I wish I could have written his profile..he conveyed everything I wish I could have written..so his profile really stood out...and Ive been lurking for about a year...so Ive read way too many profiles.

So how do you all go about checking someone out..do you ask for full name..then search the web? Ask to see drivers license? I actually did that on first date with my husband! I'm not sure how to google search images..I tried that nothing came up....and even with the info he gave me. Don't have his last name yet...Do you all ask..or get phone number? Honestly Id rather not give mine out..until I know I want him to have it...

 

Also on the flip side..I have not put out much info on myself on the dating sites...no photos..if I do they will only be ones I use for that site..I even lied a little and put a similar birth date and town..but not exact..everything else was true..also I do no t want anyone I may know to see my profile...dont want anyone to know Ive decided to date yet.

 

Thanks any advise is appreciated!

[Guest TooSoon]

I'm but one small voice but I think that if you feel you need to do or are considering doing a background  check then you already have your answer....

[Captains wife]

I hear you on the online dating. Ive done online dating for years (met my LH that way) but it is super important to be cautious. At the beginning, I also talk to them on the phone before I meet - I get their number and call them with my number blocked. I have found this helpful as there are a few guys I would have gone out with that I ruled out after talking to them on the phone. I give out my cell number a little more readily but never my home number. Obviously, early on, I wouldnt let the guy pick you up (I had a issue with this, with a guy I let pick me up after 3 dates).

 

I would also get the guy's full name early on - and yes I do Google them before or after a first date. No background checks ever done....BUT I did sneak a look at a guy's driver's license (we were dating a few months) and good thing I did as HE WAS LYING ABOUT HIS AGE !

 

In terms of your profile, I hear you on wanting to keep certain things private - but dont be embarrased about being online and dating...its one of the ways to meet people these days.

[Sugarbell]

Get full name-general area where they live (in case they are like John smith etc-something very common) and google them.

 

You will be surprised everything you can find out about a person.

[serpico]

I guess I don't get it...you want the full story on him but are not willing to give complete and accurate information on yourself?  As a potential date I would have a problem with this.

[Guest sunshinedaydreamz]

I was going to write similar to Serpico. You're expecting honesty but not disclosing yours. Just an opinion.

[Virgo]

If you are not comfortable giving him your information I wouldn't expect him to be comfortable giving you his. Just take the precautions you mentioned until you're both comfortable sharing information. I'm sure once I start dating background checks will be done on potential dates. Phil was a K9 officer and my blue family already warned me that they would do background checks.

[Guest TooSoon]

I'm of the mind that you have to go into dating with a "benefit of the doubt" attitude in order for it to pay dividends.  If you are there with the best of intentions then others must be as well and it is only fair to divulge as much as they do if not more.  We might be widowed but are we really that much more vulnerable than most other folks who are single at our age?  I am not so sure.  But take my input with a grain of salt as I have not been there.

[Sugarbell]

Yeah I must have missed that you weren't giving full info on yourself.

 

Something that new guy did...his profile basically said nothing-no pics, not right location. He messages me his name-told me where to find him on FB...Was very open OFF the site. And yeah I googled him...and a lady a few years ahead of me in high school had worked for him and gave him a thumbs up.

 

Basically lives in a little town-works at a university-coaches 2 high school sports and didn't want kids/students seeing him on there. So maybe you should give each other other avenues to communicate so everyone starts out honest and on the same page.

[fctyler]

I met someone the old fashioned way and found out a few months later he was separated but still legally married, even though he told me he was divorced.  It made me realize that people aren't as honest as I see them. After that, and when I began to online date,  I found a public site for Colorado residents that gives you information on legal issues of people residing in Colorado.  It costs $5 per name but it gave me peace of mind when I put in a potential date's name and it came back with the accurate divorce information the person gave me.  It also gives you information regarding DUI, burglary, etc., though I wasn't really worried as much about that since I suppose no one would volunteer that information before meeting.

 

I do agree with Serpico, however.  If you haven't been 100% truthful, You really can't expect your prospective date to be honest either.  I was always honest because I wanted my date to be upfront as well.  I didn't give out information that would identify where I lived or my full name, but I didn't out give false information either.

 

Just be aware that online prospects could be giving you false information, but you are as well, so if you happen to find a site that will background check someone, if it comes up empty, it may be because he gave you a different name. (Not because he's married or a player)

 

 

[Guest nonesuch]

Google his name to make sure any arrest records are something you can deal with.

 

Are both of you on Linkedin? One date checked me out that way, and I him.

 

I asked my first date who listed his status a separated when the divorce would be final.  He said, "Fair question," and I heard the rustling of papers.  He came up with a date the following month. I believed him.  He invited me to his house fairly early on, too.  Of course, you have to supply the same information. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Portside]

Why not just be straight up with the guy? As in "Hey, this dating thang can be a minefield so I need a bit more information to feel completely safe. I don't even know your last name yet." And see what he says.

 

I do think it a bit odd that you have been in communication for a few weeks and you don't know much yet. I gave enough personal details to my dates so they could Google/Linkedin me right away. I also googled the ladies. Found out all sorts of interesting info but nothing shocking or scary.

 

Honestly though, you need to come clean with him about your information too.

 

Goose and gander as it were. Fair is fair. 

 

Good luck - Mike

[Trying]

You are new to dating and not super comfortable yet so I would say do a coffee meet and see what you think.  If you get good vibes then you can share last names and more info.  I would then Google search before a second date.  You can be honest with future interests that you are cautious and don't provide too much info before a first meet. 

 

Good luck and keep us posted!  Remember to listen to your gut, try to relax and have fun.

[Carey]

I guess I have no sense of self preservation. I met Chad on the phone and after about 2 months he wanted to meet halfway (I lived in Texas, he lived in NC) and I went ... BUT ... I made him go meet my parents first lol.  I told him if my dad said he was ok I'd meet him. I still can't believe he did that. But honestly, doing a background check may start things off on the wrong foot. Online dating has brought such a new element to all of this, but if you stop and think, when we were meeting people before, we didn't feel like we had to go back to their birth certificate.  We got to know them and went with our guts, for the most part.  I think meeting in a public place where there will be a lot of people and not giving out personal details until later is as much safeguard as I would feel the need to do.  I love that you asked for your LH's license though That's real moxy! lol

[Guest sunshinedaydreamz]

I, when I was on the sites, rarely liked to just message, or chat, for more than a few times, before wanting to actually meet. Yes it is good to know who you're talking to, but I hardly ever responded to an ad with no pics, as I usually attributed it to someone hiding something ie still married, or not wanting to be serious about meeting. Too many chats that led nowhere. If you're on a dating site, it's usually expected that you'll want to meet, at some hopefully early time. Public place, during daylight, short meeting. Honestly  don't miss the time I was on the sites. Read a statistic that 80 to 90 % of people on them lie fabricate or state untruths, and firsthand can say yes i think it is so.

[Lisa]

I would never meet someone with out talking on the phone 1st. Meet in public. Google once you know you are interested.ni would not ask for info i was not willing to give.

Good luck.

[imissdow]

I have googled a lot of guys.  I go with the line only ask for what your willing to share.  I was talking with one guy for several weeks. He gave me some song and dance about why he couldn't meet and I had some other signals that would suggest he might be married. So I asked him for his full name and did a search on him. He didn't exist.  As soon as I get a phone number I do a reverse search just to make sure. I don't pay for any of this rather I am basically checking to see if things are as they should be (if they say they live in xyz city is the number from there).  Don't really need to do any of this before you meet.  You might not like him anyways. Just meet in a public place. I talk to strangers all the time. I sat down with several the other night for coffee, I went with a friend and she was the only one I knew. It's really not as dangerous/ scary as some would have you believe just be alert and trust your gut.

[Guest Bear1956]

Nope  :

[Guest Mel4072]

I think you are being cautious by not providing real info and totally support it. You don't want just anybody to have your info and the Internet is the WORLD WIDE WEB. I suggest asking if you can talk on the phone and set a place to meet in person. With a phone number, you can do a reverse search. Or while on the phone, you can ask for a last name. It's important to be safe and that means not giving info until you know somebody is trustworthy. I would do a paid background search after meeting in person and talking on the phone. I think of it this way, "if somebody ran a background search on me, I wouldn't care, I have nothing to hide. I would feel more comfortable as they would have security that I wasn't lying." Good luck and be safe!!!

[SamNE]

A have met several nice people from online sites, and especially appreciated early on when a man I had been chatting with offered me his full name and address when he asked me for our first date, even though I wasn't ready to do the same. I did google him. We ended up seeing each other for 2 years.

 

I think it is wise for women to do this. I had two interesting things come up when I googled before first meetings with men who sounded very nice on the phone. One man had been in jail for murder, and it came up on a Google search because the victim's family was protesting his early release. And the victim was a woman. Another man had been found guilty of embezzling money from his employer. So I saved myself from meeting two guys who had baggage I did not want to take on.

 

Sam

[RobFTC]

I Googled a woman once, and I think only once.  This was the woman who talked about how her serious illness affected her life on our first date, but failed to mention that she'd lost both legs below the knee to it.  I found that out on the TV news (!) some time later.  I could get over that, but disclosure of what parts came off when she undressed would have been kinda nice.  (Her online dating profile has never mentioned that detail, and has pre-amputation pics, too.)  Per Google, there were a couple of complaints out there of people who'd paid her consultant fees and not received anything for it.  The third strike was that she was unhappy about her ex-husband driving by her place, but admitted that she sometimes hung out in the park outside his house when it was his turn with their daughters.  Double standard much?  Bye!

 

Take care,

[serpico]

I think of it this way, "if somebody ran a background search on me, I wouldn't care, I have nothing to hide. I would feel more comfortable as they would have security that I wasn't lying." Good luck and be safe!!!

 

But what if you WERE lying, which you supported doing in your opening sentence? Couldn't he then rightfully dismiss you as someone who isn't trustworthy?

[kjs1989]

I made sure I got a fairly decent feel for a guy before we met for coffee or a drink through considerable back and forth dialogue. Once I  knew his last name, I went to my state's online court site and plugged in his name. It was free.  What a wealth of information! Divorces, speeding tickets, lawsuits, collections, drug charges, drunken driving, domestic abuse... all there for my inquiring mind!  I was so surprised at the the domestic abuse charges against a couple of guys. I don't care what THEIR side of the story was, it wasn't worth my time to fine out. Not going to mess with that. Just NO. Same with drunk driving. No tolerance.

 

The guy I am with came back clean. One speeding ticket ten years ago. His divorce was listed. That's it. He truly was who he said he was. I am very lucky.