Holiday Blues

[Captains wife]

I can feel the Holiday Blues creeping up on me....I felt terrible last year and had a few issues although I was trying very hard not to be blue. This year, I am currently trying to focus on my Happiness Project, be grateful for what I have etc., I am volunteering on Thanksgiving and have plans but the Holiday Blues are still there in the background. And there is a part of me that feels "blah" as a result...and slightly irritated. I had to get out of the house yesterday so took my son shopping at Target and went to Starbucks and just wandered around in a slight haze and watched all the "complete" families shopping.

 

I am currently trying my best to pull myself out of my funk but I am certain others on here can relate to what I am saying....words of encouragement are welcome : )

[donswife]

I feel the same way

today I was just pissed (sorry if people hate that word) and it will be my second holiday season with out Don

last year was a haze as he died the end of october

I will try and not be the angry or sad person this year but like you I need a little motivation or encouragement

I won't lie when I hear Alices restaurant on thanksgiving my heart will break

it was always on the radio at noon as we were heading out to his Moms

[Trying]

I want to give you some encouraging and inspiring words but unfortunately today was a very sad day for me.  As soon as I get out of my funk I promise I will come back to this thread and dazzle you with my profound and inspiring words 

 

But seriously, the holidays are such a big trigger, I think the key is to lower expectations.  Don't buy into the idea that everyone else is having a Hallmark perfect holiday season. 

[Sugarbell]

I think of the holidays (especially Christmas) as Disney on crack.

 

Not really a trigger...I just can't stand it!!

[Carey]

I was always such a holiday girl.  Especially Christmas. I was a decorating fool and seemed like every year I'd start earlier and earlier.  I feel robbed of something that was so much a part of me because I just can't even.  I tried last year.  Trying again this year to decorate and stuff but I ain't feelin' it   Not to mention over the past few years Thanksgiving had already started to change for my family, so now me and my kids have no where to go on Thursday.  I bought a turkey and I'm halfway thinking about cooking it but I feel so pathetic.  So I'm no help here obviously.  But wanted to say I hear you.

[First Widow]

Talking about the holidays in my counseling session last week was the first time I really cried in a session since early on.  Like Carey, I was such a holiday girl and I really don't know how I'm going to get through it all.  I resent the fact that I just want it to be January 2nd.  Sorry for the epic fail at words of encouragement, just wanted to say I get it and you aren't alone.

[Guaruj]

It's no fun being a single adult during these family holidays. It's even worse when you're single because you're widowed.

 

I still enjoy Thanksgiving. It's my favorite holiday. I'm taking a break right now from housecleaning because my parents, brother, MIL and SIL will be here on Thursday. My parents will be the only married couple at the table. I'll roast the turkey over charcoal and make my grandfather's whiskey sour recipe.

 

I like Christmas, too, but I really can't stand all the hype that precedes it. I especially hate the fact that retailers desperately try to commercialize Thanksgiving by turning into a "Black Friday" shopping weekend. This Friday, the day after Thanksgiving, I will respectfully observe the proper American tradition of staying home, eating leftovers and watching football.

 

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[mmg19]

I can understand how the holidays could trigger the blues.  I too enjoy Thanksgiving and the whole Christmas season.  Thanksgiving is my favorite and DH and I always hosted the family for the meal.  I miss that part but since moving to a townhouse rental, the space won't work any longer.  This year we are at my parents and I am helping with the cleaning, shopping, food preparation, etc.  There will be aunts, uncles, cousins and lots of extended family.  I am grateful to have family that understands and it lessens the sadness that creeps in. 

 

We never bought into the commercialization of Christmas and that has not changed.  Christmas is still about the reason for the season and we do decorate, have lots of church activities, and limit the gift giving.  Last year was harder but this year I find myself feeling more joy and accepting the new normal in my life. 

[Quixote]

It varies for me. We never really did holidays, but just hung out with each other. Christmas, gave each other some presents, that sort of thing. But now that's she's gone, the empty quiet of the streets bugs me more. To be honest, I can't wait for the season to be over. It's terrible, but seeing my friends being happy with their families makes me feel awful.

 

I'll probably be working, though. Might as well pick up a holiday trip or two for people who want to be home.

[klim]

Snowed lightly here yesterday.

Some people have put up lights. 

 

I like those things.........enjoy what you like ........don't do the things that you consider taxing.

 

And when the little things like snow and lights cross your path....really take time and enjoy them.

 

 

 

[donswife]

So far i can't give any great words of encouragement but the thing I did to TRY and get out of the funk is

I put up christmas lights outside

My don did this every year , he pretended to be the Grinch and bah humbugged the whole time but it looked amazing

I did a mini version but it seemed so sad last year when I did nothing , like the house was still mourning and unwelcoming

and it was

the funny part was he had everything laid out and labeled , like it was waiting for me to get off my ass and make him proud

so when I pull up at night I know he won't be here but then again in a way he is , so that does put a little smile on my face

 

 

[Momtojandj]

I get it.. This year I'm not at all into holidays. Just 3 years since John died. Add in 5 years ago on thanksgiving my mom died. Normally Christmas decorating is fun.. This year I don't care if I do it or not. Trying to focus on thinks I do have , rather than what I don't have. Sigh .. Hugs to us all

[Prov31cadet]

I am feeling the same way everyone else is. I just want the holidays to be over with, but I can't be a Scrooge for my boys. I am having a holiday house decorating party on Saturday. I have invited family and friends over to decorate my house because I don't want to, and they are willing.  Maybe starting a new tradition will help. I also find that when I focus on others, I tend to feel better. I do wish you the best this holiday season!

[DansSoulmate]

At 14 months out and going into my second holiday season, I have found that making a strong effort to begin new traditions has lessened the sadness.  Perhaps do something you have never done before such as volunteering or taking a quick trip to somewhere special.  But what keeps me going is the knowledge that I am truly blessed to see each sunrise and sunset..that's a wonderful gift.  Happy thanksgiving to everyone!

[Captains wife]

Thank you all. I'm trying, I really am. I am volunteering, I've made a lot of plans over Thankgiving/Xmas period, my son and I started doing our own Xmas traditions as of last year (Elf on the Shelf, we finally got our own Xmas tree and decorated it etc). but my direct family doesn't live close by, and the holidays were always such fun with my husband (and its just not the same with NG) and I guess I just miss that and have the holiday blahs. I do know, though, I have a lot to be thankful for so am trying to concentrate on that. Best wishes to all during this more difficult period !

[hikermom]

Captain'sWife,

 

I am right there with you. I was surprised at the intensity of the blues I'm feeling. For some naive reason, I thought the fourth holiday season would be easier. In some ways it is, in other ways it is harder. Each holiday alone with my daughter solidifies our current state, brings us further away from what we had, and seemingly no closer to what I want.

 

It is hard to get in the mood. I flailed on Thanksgiving. Both DD and I wanted to volunteer but I never lined up a place to volunteer until it was too late and no one needed help. Then I couldn't find a restaurant for us to eat at as our back-up plan was stay home and eat out followed by the movies. Now we are headed to my in-laws. Ugh - lovely people but it will be exhausting.

 

I haven't even thought about Christmas yet. No ideas for presents for DD, dreading the annual cutting down of the tree. I feel like a Scrooge and am acutely aware of how unfair it all is to my daughter. Plus all of these emotions put me on edge and ready to blow. I've already had some very trying interactions with my daughter that ended with both of us in tears. That is when it hit me - not only did my daughter lose her father, she lost her mother too. The person I was - the one who had more patience, humor and attention is gone. Replaced by a shrew who is always exhausted, stressed and distracted. This just sucked at my gut all last weekend and I can't shake this feeling.

 

Sorry - no words of inspiration. Guess it is just my job to bring everyone down. Bah humbug.

[Pammy]

My encouragement (based on 11 years being widowed, remarried and mostly very happy)is to just give into the blues. Or at least give into them for a period of time. I know having children doesn't necessarily lend itself to being a blubbering, angry, sad mess for 2 months to get through the season, so sometimes you just have to put on that happy face.

 

Having sad that, here is what got me through many of my 11 holiday seasons: I would sort of compartmentalize my daily life. There was the nose- down-ass- end- up working woman part of my day, the put-on-a-smile (but still quiet and reserved) for those meaningless holiday parties and get-together, then there was the reflective what-my-life-might-have-been-if-he-were-still-here moments of contemplation, the giggly-shopaholic, the motherly, happy-for-the-kids decorator and cook/baker. But then finally, after everyone was tucked up in their beds at night, when all the noise of the day and going through the motions settled into a dull roar at the back of my mind, after all this, each and every night, I would become the "real" me. I would indulge in the depression, that anger, the hopelessness of it all and usually cry myself to sleep.

 

Its an odd thing to say, but I do believe in those first few years and holiday seasons, this was the time of the day I looked forward to the most. Knowing that soon, very soon I could drop the mask and just FEEL what I needed to feel. No judgement, no excuses, no sideways glances, no explanations. Just me and my pillow (and usually a big glass of wine and a picture of Jeff) I would finally let the cocoon drop away and a feeble, tattered,broken winged butterfly would lay in a puddle on her bedroom floor and just. be. me.

 

I don't do much of  that anymore, but there is still some part of me, some selfish part, that indulges in the memories and sometimes I shed a tear. The good news is that my wings have renewed themselves and I can fly - most of the time. The other news is that even after 11 going on 12 years I sometimes still remember, especially during the holidays. I will always remember, but I guard this part of myself selfishly and know enough to know when I need to escape life and just be me again.

 

Blessings to you all, P

[Sugarbell]

I have never liked the holidays....it puts so much pressure on people-especially those in fragile states anyway. (we went through about 6 Christmas Eves years ago with my brother when he would go bat shit crazy)

 

Think about it...it's the time of the year with the shortest amount of sunlight.

Cards, decorating, presents, baking, obligations, -Homestly I have always just looked at it as a another full time job for 6 weeks. Not to mention parties whether you get invited or not...school stuff etc. And I don't think Jesus was even born this time of year anyway.

 

For my kids sakes...I am like a well trained dog...we do it, decorate, to the church plays, etc. For 15 years I have been on auto pilot for everyone's sakes. Charities everywhere-Feeling guilty if you don't donate all the  time (I donate my time and money year round where I feel called to-Not because A holiday tells me to)

 

I love getting together with family any other time of year. I more or less celebrate winter solstice even though I  am not Pagan.

 

I guess what I am trying to say is....I  no longer apologize for hating this time of year. Society (and my Mom) used to make me feel bad for not being Norman Rockwell into the season.

 

Let's celebrate "Christmas" in June-I think actually that's when Jesus was really born.

 

It's Disney on Crack--And I just get through it every year thinking "This top shall pass"

 

That's just me.

[Trying]

I'm sitting here getting emotional about Thanksgiving.  My sons senior year football game tomorrow, his last game ever.  My SIL hosting her first holiday ever tomorrow because I just can't keep doing it all for the inlaws anymore.  Now I'm sad that I'm not busy with all of the prep. All kinds of stuff going on with different members of DHs family lately and I miss having him here to talk about it all.  I miss being a team.

[rifatheroffour]

That is when it hit me - not only did my daughter lose her father, she lost her mother too. The person I was - the one who had more patience, humor and attention is gone. Replaced by a shrew who is always exhausted, stressed and distracted. This just sucked at my gut all last weekend and I can't shake this feeling.

 

Reverse the gender and this is exactly what terrifies me...I'm told I'm doing a great job as a father but I don't always feel it.  I go through the motions of the holidays I once truely lived for...now the work to prep for them is overwhelming and exhausting and I feel like I come up short for my kids.

 

Sorry no words of encouragement but rather more acknowledgement that you are not alone. I am trying to remember that I do have plenty to be thankful for but that's not the same as finding joy.

[SoVerySad]

 

Sorry no words of encouragement but rather more acknowledgement that you are not alone. I am trying to remember that I do have plenty to be thankful for but that's not the same as finding joy.

 

Yes, this is so true for me as well. I am thankful for many things, especially my children who are truly amazing human beings. Yet missing real joy in my life has taken such a toll on me. I can put on a mask to fake a smile or interest in things, but I know embodying joy cannot be faked. As such, I am changed. Sometimes I fear the changed me resulting from T's death may be harder for my kids than losing T. They have memories of him which will always be the joyful and content man he was. I'm here, but diminished from the mom they knew and counted on. I can't recreate the magic of our lives with T here. It makes me sad.

 

Tight hugs to each of you...

[ladybug]

My sweetie was a holiday kind of guy.  I never was, even when he was here.  I hope they go by quickly.

 

 

[kjs1989]

Yep, I get it, This was D's favorite holiday, as it was just about family without the hassle of gifts.

 

For some reason last year seemed a bit easier. This is year three. I was just so pooped today, from the time I got up and all day in general.  Did the marathon cooking thing for my two kids that are home from college, ( oldest one in Vancouver and can't come home) NG and his son, and my 96 year old mom, but my heart has just not been in it today---at all. I went through the motions for my kids. The pervasive empty feeling is just so unrelenting. Wish it was January and and the holidays were done.

 

Good thoughts to everyone struggling. It sucks.