Sugarbell Posted December 15, 2015 Share Posted December 15, 2015 Ok...this is preliminary...but we have discussed the future. I am moving back to my hometown in WV...he is still in Ohio. When the kids and I move that will put us only 30 minutes apart. He says he would marry me tomorrow if I said the word. (I think he just knows how I am though and would probably freak out if I took him up on it)... I don't want my kids ever going to school in his school district. He has always known this and supports my decision to move in WV. I am buying a house that I can afford...just me. Of course if we bought a house together...it would be much nicer. (And no I am fine buying solo-just things we've discussed)... he doesn't want to sell his place...like for years...Because he has a building with one of his side businesses on his property. (Mattresses). He also is on several boards, coaches, referees in Ohio...Has his full time job, and 2 businesses there, etc. He knows a few couples who are married and live separately for these types of reasons (one is a teacher in my hometown and her husband lives 45 minutes away in Ohio). Or maybe we will just date exclusively for 9 more years till my kids are out of school?? Of course...with his full time job (CFO at State university) step children can go to school at a huge reduced rate....And then he jokes that he could have a few dependents at tax time too. I know this talk is not romantic at all....but I guess it's stuff to think about. Oh to be 24 in love and have nothing....we just went on excitement and hormones then: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Virgo Posted December 15, 2015 Share Posted December 15, 2015 Totally agree with your last statement. I don't know how many times I've said dating as an adult with children is complicated. It was so much easier as a teenager. If neither of you are ready to marry, then maybe you're over thinking? When you're both ready maybe there will be factors or compromises that you haven't considered yet. I personally think it would be difficult to be married and live separately, but it might be the perfect scenario for some couples. You just have to do what you feel is best for you and your kids. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trying Posted December 15, 2015 Share Posted December 15, 2015 To be honest I have never understood being married but living separate, why not just be a couple if living together isn't an option? But I guess if there are financial benefits like you stated or for people who want to be married for religious reasons related to sharing a bed ( not your case, but for some) then I guess it can make sense. I think I would still look for a way to compromise. Can he rent out his house so he still has the building for his business? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest nonesuch Posted December 15, 2015 Share Posted December 15, 2015 I drive farther than that to get to work five days a week. That's nothin'. Eh, I don't see the point in getting married if you're not going to live together anyway. If one of you was pregnant, or needed insurance, maybe then it would make sense. It's important that your kids are in a school system that's a good fit for them. You're absolutely right about the hormones and excitement. Sounds like a plan, though this comment is coming from someone who can deal with a lot of privacy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mizpah Posted December 15, 2015 Share Posted December 15, 2015 I think the question really is what marriage means in this context and what would motivate you (and/or him) to want to marry. If it's for legal protection in the terrible case of "what if" that we all know occurs - the right to make medical decisions, to inherit, etc., etc., then it makes sense and it doesn't matter where you live. If it's for a merging of lives, then it doesn't really make sense because financially and residentially (it's telling me that's not a word, oh well) you are separate rather than joint. If it's for romantic reasons, that you love each other so much you want to be as joined as is currently possible, then it makes sense. Long distance marriage never made sense to me, but it's not like you're a continent or two away, it's 30 minutes. No one knows the answer but you. And maybe not even you. Life! Seriously, where did simplicity go?! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sugarbell Posted December 15, 2015 Author Share Posted December 15, 2015 I don't need nor want to be attached to someone 24/7. When I was married to Ben...shoot both of us traveled for work. We were usually apart 2-3 days a week due to travel. So that became my norm. I think that is what NG finds appealing about me..although he would never admit it. That I don't want..nor need him all the time (because he is hella busy...like on a Saturday will drive 8 hours to pick up mattresses that are super cheap to put in his warehouse)--And I never blink an eye because I usually got a zillion things going on. I was just curious on peoples take on it. I have never heard anyone living separate while married...but I am sure many do it for work, etc. I would have no problem living where he is if I didn't have school age kids...That's the thing.. I think we will just keep on doing what we are doing..and thats perfectly fine. Think its suits both of us. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mizpah Posted December 15, 2015 Share Posted December 15, 2015 I have never heard anyone living separate while married...but I am sure many do it for work, etc. I've known two couples who did. In one, they were both professors, and in that profession, you go where the (tenured) job is. One got a position in Boston and the other in Chicago. They spent every or every other weekend together, and it worked for decades (they're still together). In the other couple, the wife got a job in Scotland and she went - he stayed in the US. They got divorced. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captains wife Posted December 15, 2015 Share Posted December 15, 2015 Funnily enough, I have had this conversation with a number of people recently - wids and non wids. I actually think that living apart (and being married) works for certain people - depending on the distance and how much they communicate and see each other. I like my space a lot and am very independent so a committed relationship living apart somewhat appeals to me in certain ways. One thing I found difficult about being married was that my husband was very clingy and I didn't get a lot of space at home and it used to really bother me (I would note I didn't get married until I was 39 yrs old...) But I will also admit that now I have too much space. : ( : ( Saying that, there are things I miss about living together - that closeness, the financial savings. The NG I am dating I think is into living separately (very bad marriage and bad divorce) so if I keep dating him, I will continue to live on my own with my son. In my romantic notion, we would all live together but in reality, I know it wouldn't work very well given both of our personalities so I have thought more and more about remaining on my own. I don't think there is anything "wrong" with it although a number of people have mentioned to me that they think being in a committed relationship and forever living separately is not good. But I honestly think that given the way I am, I may end up being on my own with my son for a LONG time and I think I am ok with that. Any co-habitation I have had in the past hasn't worked well, in all honesty. In my ideal relationship, we would have 2 homes and spend a few days together and a few days apart.... I also think with kids involved as well that maybe living apart makes sense and I have a lot about NOT bringing another man into my parent living space. I personally am struggling with letting another man too close to my son and feel awkward about putting a "father figure" permanently into his life. So Sugarbell I am kind of in your camp too..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bunny Posted December 15, 2015 Share Posted December 15, 2015 This is an interesting subject for me. My husband was the third man I lived with, the other two were boyfriends, and in all three cases I moved in with them fairly quickly and quite easily. Though I've always been one to need lots of alone time, I found cohabitation suited me. But now...this is the longest I've ever lived alone and I've really come to enjoy it. A lot. I am committed to my bf, plan on spending the rest of my life with him. I know he wants to get married, he's made that pretty clear. (Which is kinda huge, considering he's made it to his 50s without ever wanting to tie the knot.) But I am in no hurry to live together, let alone get married. I am probably more compatible with him than with any man I've ever been with, so it's interesting to me that something so important in my 20s and 30s is no longer so necessary for my emotional well-being. I'm not saying it will never happen, just that I no longer NEED these things to happen in order to feel loved and fulfilled in my relationship. Widowhood can change one's perspective in the most unexpected ways sometimes. Bf and I are both childless, so we do spend quite a bit of time together right now anyway. I love being with him. But I also love kissing him goodbye and sending him on his way. Plus, I think it's hilarious- and fun- to say 'my boyfriend' at the ripe ol' age of 51. Just like how I really and truly loved saying 'my husband' when I was married. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jess Posted December 15, 2015 Share Posted December 15, 2015 I never understood the whole living apart as married people myself... and then I was widowed and not only did the rules change, a lot of them just went away altogether. A lot of those rules revolve around love and priorities. Like Mizpah said, there are more "what if" scenarios than there were before because we have lived the worst case scenario. Due to Justin having DD still in school, it is going to be while before the move happens. So, not only am I open to getting married while still living apart, that is our plan. That said, it is also our plan to be living together by June, but we obviously will have several months when we are married and living apart. It may not work for some, but it works for us. I guess the bottom line is throw out the rules and do what makes you happy whether it is choosing to marry or not, living together or not. I used to spend way too much time formulating opinions on matters that were outside of my experience and probably still do, but I'm working on it and have a greater appreciation for people that choose something unexpected that is a better fit for their own lives than to find a way to make their lives fit the expectation and worn path (which works for a lot of people wonderfully, just not everyone). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trying Posted December 18, 2015 Share Posted December 18, 2015 So Jess, when is the wedding?? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Justin Posted December 18, 2015 Share Posted December 18, 2015 So Jess, when is the wedding?? I'm sure that she won't mind me taking this one :-) We plan to be married next month during MLK weekend - just a very small ceremony that very few people in our lives will know about. Later on, we will have a "real" wedding. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trying Posted December 18, 2015 Share Posted December 18, 2015 Congratulations Jess and Justin, im so happy for you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest nonesuch Posted December 18, 2015 Share Posted December 18, 2015 I don't know why this is, but when I was in my 20s, it was important to be married to my partner. Now, not so much. I don't know if it's because the marriage wasn't the greatest, or I'm more confident about being single, or what. I have a friend who loves her husband dearly, but when the subject of widowhood came up, she said she doubted she'd make the commitment again. I have a feeling in my gut that if one wanted children, having that commitment from one's partner is more important. Post-menopausal widows don't have that concern. A fellow I dated briefly wanted to marry, (or said he wanted to) too soon. He saw no problem in us living apart, (he's retired, I'm not) since he and his wife did it for some time to accommodate their careers. He had a point, though, in that he thought marriage clarified to our families where everybody stands. He was an atheist, but liked real clear boundaries, I guess. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Max2507 Posted December 18, 2015 Share Posted December 18, 2015 I know you shouldn't need it but marriage is a legal/emotional/outward sign of your commitment to each other that is universally recognized by everyone. It is not a gray area you are not boyfriend/girlfriend, life partners, engaged, been together 10 years, all those are great and may have a deeper commitment and love than some actual marriages but its just a gray area. Married, you are or you are not. There is power to it. With that said do what you want!!! When I got married we ended up living apart in the same town for almost 10 months because my kids had to finish the school year, we got married earlier than we planned on thanksgiving because of sick parents. If your intention is to be together why not get a discount on tuition! Marriage is about love but hey the perks don't hurt nor should you feel bad about that being a consideration. My sister and her guy decision to get married was pushed ahead for the reason that he could get great insurance for everyone. What you bring to a marriage matters too, its taking care of each other in a multitude of ways. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sugarbell Posted December 18, 2015 Author Share Posted December 18, 2015 I don't know why this is, but when I was in my 20s, it was important to be married to my partner. Now, not so much. I don't know if it's because the marriage wasn't the greatest, or I'm more confident about being single, or what. I have a friend who loves her husband dearly, but when the subject of widowhood came up, she said she doubted she'd make the commitment again. I have a feeling in my gut that if one wanted children, having that commitment from one's partner is more important. Post-menopausal widows don't have that concern. A fellow I dated briefly wanted to marry, (or said he wanted to) too soon. He saw no problem in us living apart, (he's retired, I'm not) since he and his wife did it for some time to accommodate their careers. He had a point, though, in that he thought marriage clarified to our families where everybody stands. He was an atheist, but liked real clear boundaries, I guess. I get this..... for us in our 20s we wanted children and marriage was a legal document for protection.... for all parties. If we would've never wanted kids.... Who knows we may not have gotten married... This is just my view certainly not the right one or only one. Now actually I think NG looks at marriage the same way ii do... Protection.... Legal rights... End of life care.... Power of attorney. I don't need a piece of paper/ring to seal the deal. Sometimes I think marriage is used as a security blanket.... Makes it much tougher to walk away if things don't work out.... Sometimes with finances, kids.... Forces people to stay together. But I live in the Bible Belt a very conservative area. I doubt we ever buy a house together without being married. But I am certainly in no hurry. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest TooSoon Posted December 18, 2015 Share Posted December 18, 2015 We weren't married when I unexpectedly got pregnant. We had been together for years and owned a house and I had an engagement ring but we had no plans to get married at all. It just wasn't our orientation at the time but as Scott's mom got increasingly ill, we knew it would mean something to her so we went ahead and did it. Our shotgun wedding we liked to call it! In life's other great twist of fate, brain cancer, which was even more unexpected than my pregnancy, I often sat in the hospital grateful that I had legal authority to make decisions and advocate for my husband. I worried for loving partners who did not. After he died, I remember repeatedly insisting that I never wanted to get married again and I remember being indignant when people would tell me that that might change. So resolute I was then. And then that changed. While adp and I aren't married, I feel like we are even though an ocean separates us and has for a long time. A year and a half ago, I was ok with that and I will do it for as long as I have to but I'm no longer very ok with living apart. What seems right for you today, may evolve over time. I'm not religious and I don't believe in much but as it turns out, I really do believe in the institution of marriage. It means something different to me now, though I am not sure I could cogently put into words what that something is. Ultimately, everyone needs to do what feels right for them. Lots of people have all sorts of arrangements for all sorts of reasons. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soloact Posted December 20, 2015 Share Posted December 20, 2015 Best wishes Jess. Congrats Justin. Wishing you a happy life! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisa Posted December 20, 2015 Share Posted December 20, 2015 Jess and Justin. Love you two!!!! Good for you. Wishing you continuing joy. Its a pleasure to see. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bear Tomás Posted December 21, 2015 Share Posted December 21, 2015 My older sister lives mostly by herself for now. They sold their house and bought another in a 55 plus community about a two hour drive from his job, after her retirement a couple of years ago. He retires from teaching in June and will join her full time. He rents a small apartment close to his work. They've been married since 1978. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bear Tomás Posted December 21, 2015 Share Posted December 21, 2015 When the kids and I move that will put us only 30 minutes apart. Seriously? You're worrying about 30 min? lmao! Too much togetherness overwhelms me so this would be my dream. 8) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bear Tomás Posted December 21, 2015 Share Posted December 21, 2015 I have a friend who loves her husband dearly, but when the subject of widowhood came up, she said she doubted she'd make the commitment again. I have a feeling in my gut that if one wanted children, having that commitment from one's partner is more important. Post-menopausal widows don't have that concern.. I feel the same. What's the point when you're an old fart like me? However, I guess I could marry a younger woman and start another family. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest TalksToAngels Posted December 22, 2015 Share Posted December 22, 2015 Older guys, younger women, and it works both ways in today's world. Bear you're still a young man, you just look like Santa Klaus. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sugarbell Posted December 23, 2015 Author Share Posted December 23, 2015 I really don't think I will be able to live with a man under the same roof (married or not) until my kids are older...one or two leave home etc. I said it before I got into a relationship and I am saying it now (it has nothing to do with not being with the "right one" for me it's not the "right time" to cohabitat. All I see is added work....and I am on housework overload...and I have a 13 yr old who is better with fixing things than most grown men. I don't want to take care of a grown man on top of the responsibilities of 3 kids. Can't do it. I doubt I will ever be able to. When they leave home...it will be a different season for me....I could see having the energy/desire to live together then. So yeah...I am secretly glad NG doesn't want to sell either house. I think he gels with me cause I am safe for him and I gel with him cause he's safe for me. Jesus....I am so warped😊😳😃 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trying Posted December 23, 2015 Share Posted December 23, 2015 Not warped at all, you are a woman who knows herself! It sounds like you and NG have a good thing going, enjoy it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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