Tips for online

[Momtojandj]

I have taken a break the last few months from online. Was semi hanging with a good guy friend of mine. However I think it's time ( after holidays) to look online again , hopefully for someone more for my future. Anyway .... tell me some questions you ask when you start chatting ? What are some "deal breakers "? Do you automatically eliminate anyone , let's say that smokes ?

  I have done online before, not with much luck . I know everyone's expirence is diffferent , just looking for different perspectives. 

[Mrskro]

Great topic, I haven't had any luck either and disabled my profile a couple months ago.

 

My only deal breaker has been young kids or someone that wants them.  Mine are 14 and 16 and I am not a fan of young kids, been there done that. 

 

I'd love to hear the questions others ask too.  I'm terrible at that part, I dislike small talk in general so i struggle with the mundane questions that usually come from online dating.

 

 

[Needytoo]

I quit smoking  and there is no way I can date anyone who smokes.  I also find having young children a deal breaker.  I am alright with grand kids.

 

I also feel I am horrible at asking questions and certainly up for suggestions. 

[Momtojandj]

It's interesting, I always said no smokers . Very early on , I met someone out and he did smoke, we dated for about two months . I would prefer a non smoker , but a good friend said you could be casting someone aside just because he smokes .

Also the young kids, I could date someone with young kids but not someone who wants more kids.

[Portside]

 

Anyway .... tell me some questions you ask when you start chatting ? What are some "deal breakers "? Do you automatically eliminate anyone , let's say that smokes ?

 

 

When I was dating online, I made a point to very quickly move from communication on the site to a physical meet somewhere. I didn't eliminate anyone online. I didn't have any questions that needed to be answered in a particular way in order for me to meet. Well one - if you are a post-op trans, I'm not your guy.

 

I wanted to meet the woman and see/hear the full person. A question or two online wouldn't do it for me. Yes, I'd move on if she was outside the bounds of my normal - was a pedophile, murderer, etc.  But that didn't ever happen.

 

I certainly had my wish list in my head, but it was just that - a wish list. It turns out some of the most interesting woman didn't hit the items on my list.

 

And I would have never met them had I gone down a list of Qs before a meet.

 

Good luck - Mike

[Guest TooSoon]

I have not dated online but I am sitting here now next to someone I met three years ago on the ywbb - adp - who told me that, at the time we met, in his mind the deal breaker was any woman who had small children because he had been there, done that.  But then he met me (and M - then 6).  Had he allowed that "rule" to actually govern his choices or to override what his heart was telling him or if I had allowed myself to be governed by my head at the time (which was telling me, 'it is too soon' and 'he is too far away' and 'this can never work'), we wouldn't be sitting here now.  Just saying. 

[Trying]

I don't have online experience to share but I want to say that on paper my fiancé would have been overlooked and I would've missed out on an amazing man so be careful with too many deal breakers. He was a smoker (but has quit now) has young children (who have become a wonderful addition to my life) was only divorced a few months, financially wrecked in divorce (but frugal and sacrificed to live within his means to rebuild), shorter than my ideal (I hate wearing heals any way).

 

I also would not have come off so well on paper at the time we met.

 

I wish you all good luck.  So many weirdos, scammers and poor matches but there are great people just like you too!

[klim]

I want lifestyle matches...not too sedentary...financially sound .....happy

 

Deal breakers ...smokers, young children, renting a room in a house, too much drinking, temper....oh and height ....wish it didn't matter but they have to be my height or taller....I've tried and maybe if it was a magical connection I could do shorter but no....

 

Now the question asking that is tricky...how do you get this information...you can't really ask do you have a temper and I'd feel rude asking what type of place do you live in.

 

I mostly try sharing a little info and hope I get similar info about them.. I ask about children.....I like knowing what people do for a living , so I ask.There's not a particular category of worker I wouldn't consider ...for me it just helps the flow of conversation.

 

I ask about vacations and what they do for fun...it usually gets some conversation going. i will do small tall like wow there's a lot of snow...but really I'm looking for chances to joke with the person or seeing if they are capable of banter.

[RobFTC]

The mapping from people to online profiles, and the reverse mapping we have to do to get some image of the original person, are difficult things.  Some people are easy to discard, and of course online gives us a lot more things to pick at.  Oh look, his reported height doesn't look right from his photos.  Oh look, she wants to date people younger, not even her own age.  Oh look, they look larger than that "a few extra pounds" choice they checked.  Eew, look at all the dogs they have.

 

So I am with Portside for meeting as soon as you feel safe with anyone who manages to interest you.  Go ahead and honor true deal-breakers - I don't think I could be convinced to date someone who was still smoking, or who actually likes the new U.S. President.  A bit of messaging can be OK - but I messaged someone every day or two for a solid month before meeting in person, and them she announced that she'd taken a second job and couldn't possibly do a date for weeks, so THAT was a waste of energy.  A phone call can help - I would suggest women call men with caller-ID blocking on.  And maybe above all - keep perspective - don't take anything personally and keep the energy you spend to a sustainable level.

 

Take care,

Rob T

[imissdow]

I typically try to set up a meet in a week or so. However I do try to ask some questions to weed out guys who are  heck no!  I had a meet set up with a guy 2 weeks ago. He canceled and asked to rescheduled, told me he was having surgery. I told him to contact me after Christmas. We will see if he does.

I've come up with a general list that I ask in random order.

 

I ask about church because a person with no belief is a no go for me.

What's your idea of a perfect vacation, who would you go with and what would you do?

If you could have dinner and just dinner with anyone dead or alive who would you pick and why?

What type of relationship do you have with your parents and extended family? Do you get together often?

Are you a risk taker in what ways?

If you have a whole day with nothing planned how would you spend it?

At some point I ask so general questions about kids and their ages and if they live at home.

I also check my assumptions and ask their status and who they live with.

I may or may not get to all of these, depends on how long I e-mail prior to meeting being that we usally exchange a couple of emails a day. Even if we do meet within a week.

 

 

 

 

[Guest nonesuch]

Deal breakers: Late Husband died from lung cancer, and I spent the 25 years previous to that scrubbing walls and washing clothes so they didn't smell like ashtrays. If someone else wants to take that on with the hope he'll quit, well, God bless 'em.  Hope is often disappointment deferred.

 

No alcoholics,  either. Been there, done that.  Geraldine Jones was right; "What you see is what you get."

 

People who want to endlessly email "to get to know one another" are married, living together, or otherwise [emotionally] unavailable. I bid them a friendly good-bye without calling them out. It's a dating site. I didn't sign up to get a pen pal, nor do I want to get into a pointless, fruitless email exchange with someone too frightened to meet strangers.

 

Met a good match 'on paper.' The interests were there, not the lifestyle and philosophical attitudes. The comment, "You're really smart, for a theist" clued me into the fact that theism WAS a problem for him though he denied it.

 

In my last ad on Craig's List, I did come right out and state that someone from my political party may be a better match, but would consider someone who could work across the aisle, and had a sense of humor.  Current Beau fell into the former category.

 

Current Beau makes me want to be a better person. HE wanted someone with a voluptuous figure, but has been consorting with someone with an jumbo-sized sense on humor, instead. I suppose no one gets everything he or she wants.

[Momtojandj]

Sunshine, I like reading the tips as well . I seem to do horrible at online, but when meet people randomly seem to do alittle  better. However it's winter and I'm going to turn into a hermit .lol

 

Rob.. got a chuckle out of you not happy with a date that likes our new president. Funny .

[momtokam]

Momtojandj,  I am at the point of walking away from most of the on line craziness. I have been encountering many fakes and very few real genuine people. I'm not sure if it's me or just the nature of the beast around here, but it is wearing me down.

 

For me deal breakers are smoking, long distance, height, being separated, being married(too many of those on line), and being gainfully employed.

 

I am not going to be driving an hour or more to see someone.

 

Height, I want someone a little taller than me. I'm 5'7" and sometimes wear heals. I don't want to look down at anyone, it's not comfortable for me.

 

My first post wid relationship was with a man that was separated. It had been 5 years and they despised each other but it wasn't moving forward for his kids sake. I'm sorry, but that wasn't healthy. I try to stay away from that now. You have to be ready to move on for me to be interested.

 

I don't care what they do for a living, but they need to be able to support themselves and not live in their mothers basement!

 

Questions are all over the the place depending on the conversation. They begin with weeding out the deal breakers. Questions of kids come up, interests,  past relationships in a general way. What they are looking for.

I'll talk more about questions in my new thread about speed dating.

 

The kid issue can be a big one.  Some men without kids don't really understand our situation as solo parents. Very little kids could be a deal breaker for me.

 

So much depends  on the person and the situation though. I often think that if that right person comes along and you click on so many things,  perhaps some deal breakers won't matter. I guess I'll find out if that ever happens.

 

When I was younger, I don't remember having deal breakers. You met people and went with the flow. I am trying to go back to this outlook but it's not easy. I guess we are at a different stage in our lives now with different needs. I just wish it was simpler.

[Captains wife]

I hate to admit it but I have tons of online dating experience - before and post widow. it is a lot of craziness but I did meet my husband that way and after many rounds post widow...I was ready to throw in the towel but then met an amazing, sweet man - who I am currently dating and for the first time in 4 years of dating, I am happy with this person. In my experience, I do keep away from smokers (many of them too can have addictive personalities), I am very wary of recently divorced or currently separated (often too much anger though depends on the guy), stay selective (otherwise u go crazy chatting with everyone), keep the online communication short (not endless emailing or texting) and speak on the phone first before meeting, dating someone at a similar stage in life can work well (i.e. Similar age with similar aged children), try and find out early what their  "deal" is (I was naively shocked at how many men online really don't want a true girlfriend -  like staying detached), any very  early sexual talk or advances is huge red flag, try and find someone with similar interest/hobbies (great way to bond), go with your gut instinct (I wish I had with some of the past guys I dated). Good luck - there are great people out there...just takes a while to find each other!

[Guest nonesuch]

When I was younger, I don't remember having deal breakers. You met people and went with the flow...I just wish it was simpler.

 

I didn't have deal breakers when I was younger, either, but I should have. I could have saved myself a lot of heartache by just walking away from someone who was not a good match for me.  There wouldn't have been months of agony over someone who would never be faithful (or never drink responsibly, or who would eventually want children...fill in the blank any way you like)  When we're very young, love conquers all and the differences don't matter.  They do, though.  We've all had long term relationships and had to work those things out...or experience what it's like when things don't. 

[tybec]

No expert or lots of experience here, but read here, the old board, and my brother (also widowed) met his now wife on line.  He had a friend that helped put one of the original dating sites together help him with his profile and everything, too.

 

Also, NG did the on line for a couple years, almost.

 

Have to have your deal breakers like smoking.  You may miss a great person, but if you know you cannot live with it, then there will be someone else, right?

 

Pictures a must.  My brother had some stat on hits for profiles with pics versus none.  Just the way it is.  Also, pics need to be recent.  NOT 10 year ago.  Scared me to death but I dealt with it.

 

If you need active, put it down.  If you don't, write it down. NO game playing. 

 

Met with NG within two weeks of talking on line, then phone, first time available for us both.  I just knew and told him so, that we could "look good on paper", but not have any "chemistry" per se.  I understood men to be like that, and I caution to say, us females are to a great extent, too.  Just our make up to some extent.  I know some will disagree, and you can be the exception, but the law of attractions is somewhere in there.  And it isn't rational.  My DH and I were together 28 years, against the "rules" of lots of things.  Go figure.

 

Now I am naive and fresh, and NG has shared some things about his on line experience.  Living in a larger city makes it easier for anonymity.  I live in a small town, have a private business, my church, so my catchment area was wide, long distance, for privacy.  He never would have had looked me up, but I said hi first. 

 

Now a big one and you can take it as you choose.  Sex.  I don't equate sex with dating.  But I married my high school sweetheart. NG was surprised, and he said that was a norm he came across.  He had not done on line dating until he divorced, wife leaving him.  He shares a bit here and there, and women expecting it as much as men. Now my older brother is very conservative Christian so I know it is isn't for everyone out there, but maybe the websites matter?  You all with experience can chime in on this.

 

My two cents for what it is worth.    NG and I just got to 10 months and he met one of my 3 brothers this weekend, so we are moving forward.  GOOD LUCK out there!  Woo Whee!

[kjs1989]

I almost passed up NG because he left the smoking line blank, which pretty much indicated to me that he did indeed smoke. And smoking is a huge deal breaker to me. But, for some reason I was intrigued enough to just give it a go and meet him, whereas I bypassed all others who smoked.

 

And yes, he was a smoker, but wanted to quit and had tried numerous times.  I guess I was finally the  the incentive because he has not smoked in four years.

 

Other deal breakers to me... financially unstable or bad credit history, anger issues, poor employment record, no friends, drug or alcohol abuse, arrest record of any sort.

 

In my state you can plug a name into the state courts online site and up pops all sorts of interesting tidbits from speeding tickets to foreclosures to assault charges, It is all there. I did that early on once I had a guy's name, and instantly eliminated quite a few. I was really surprised at the domestic assault charges against guys that seemed ok at first. But... sorry, JUST NO. I don't care what his side of the story is, if he hit someone, he is not for me.

 

NG was "clean" needless to say. Speeding ticket ten years ago was it.

 

 

[Wynne]

Even on this "young widows" forum I find that many people are older than I am (38).  It's discouraging to hear that kids rule you out for most people dating online.  My kids are 9 and 11.  I haven't put my heart into dating again yet, but I do have a profile.  I may never find someone else, but I guess if it's meant to be for my family, it will be.

[klim]

Wynne I believe you nailed it when you say alot of "young widows" are older then you....and i think that's why you are hearing the comments about young children..

 

For you , you might say I don't want someone with older teens who are in need of tuition money and are getting free reign of the half the house/living in the basement...and yet for some of older wids that's the norm.

 

I think most of us are saying we want something similar to what we know and what we are living with.

 

So maybe ruled  out for a certain crowd but certainly not everybody....there are going to be guys in similar situations that want someone that can understand their parenting situation.

[RobFTC]

It's discouraging to hear that kids rule you out for most people dating online.  My kids are 9 and 11.

 

Hi Wynne,

 

I hear you - I was 50 with twin 10-year-olds when I started dating.  Lots of people my age had been there, done that, and it was a drag on my results for sure.  But not knowing what to do was I'm sure a bigger factor.  If you're open to something to read, I generally liked this guy's advice before I found some better male-specific stuff: http://www.datingadviceguy.com/

 

Take care,

Rob T

[MrsDan]

What's funny is I hear over and over, meet sooner rather than later, don't message too long, it means they're married or whatever. My boyfriend and I messaged for about six weeks! Not a lot at first.  In the beginning I was seeing someone I thought had potential, and when that guy ghosted, I was wary. But my BF was persistent. He did think I was a little stand offish, but figured that as long as I kept responding, he'd keep trying. I kept responding because although he didn't say much, I just felt like there was something about him. Then one day we finally had a more extensive exchange, and decided to meet.

 

People often say that they don't want to waste time messaging, but I guess it depends on what kind of time you have to waste. For me, it was nothing to message someone, I could do it whenever. But a date; that required time away from my daughter, and a babysitter. If I was going to do that, I wanted to do more vetting.

 

I think the only deal breakers I had was no addiction issues, and they had to be good with me having a kid. My boyfriend drinks very rarely, and although I could have dealt with someone who drank a bit more, I like that he doesn't. He and I each have one child. I think we would both like to have another, but have concerns about having three. It's a little different for me, because before he and I met, I was sort of reconciling myself to  the fact that I probably wouldn't have another. But being with him is one of the things that is sort of reawakening that need for me. But do I want a child more than I want to stay with him? No. It's not a deal breaker.

 

I think there is so much pressure in this society to be happy that we carve out these templates for making that happen. If a person doesn't seem to meet that template, then we move on. But the thing is, sometimes that person fits that template more than we realize initially. I didn't knowhow hilariously funny my boyfriend is, or even how smart. The only thing I really came away with at our first meeting was that he was nice. So nice, that I made a conscious effort to focus on that. And the fact that we were a high match, especially ethically. Because that was what I truly needed. Other stuff can be great, or get in the way. But someone who is truly nice who shares the same value system, that is a foundation you can build upon. Even attraction is idealized a bit. I don't think either of us anticipated that it would become as incredible as it has.

 

One more thing. It's easy to get discouraged about what people are looking for. I remember messaging my boyfriend about a bunch of cooking I was doing for the week ahead. At first I thought, oh this is really boring, I should try to be more interesting. But then I thought, fuck it, he asked about my day, and this is my life, and if it's not exciting enough for him, then maybe I'm not for him. I was done playing games. I was myself, and it didn't scare him away. The same thing happened to a coworker of mine. She met  a guy online, then at their first date she decided she wasn't really interested. So she was completely genuine, said whatever she wanted to say without bs-ing. She was surprised when at the end her date said, "So when can I see you again?" They're married now.

[arneal]

I went into online dating with what I'd like to think was a fairly open mind. I didn't want a married man but was willing to discuss dating a separated man; LH was separated when we met so it wasn't a problem. I used to smoke and so a smoker, so long as it was occasional, was okay. Social drinkers were welcomed. As far as culture or race, I was looking for a diverse pool so went specifically for sites where the focus was interracial dating. I wanted someone taller than me (I am 5'4", so that wasn't hard lol!) who did not categorize themselves as super-thin, super athletic, or more than 250lb.

 

I must say that I agree with the meetup idea. The first person I met via online dating was a big fraud. It was a long distance thing and for me, that's a deal breaker. In this case, the guy made no mention of coming to visit me but wanted me to fly cross-country to meet him, even though I made it clear I wasn't in a financial position to jet around and even though he claimed to have a good bit of spare funds. Anyway, that fizzled before anything bad happened.

 

NG and I met online after I went to a different site. He lived within 45 minutes of me on a clear traffic day, which is like next door in Southern California We chatted on the site and exchanged numbers that night because the conversation was very good. I gave him my secondary number rather than my main mobile or landline numbers. We agreed to meet like two or three days later at a place of my choosing that was about half-way between us. It's been about six months now and I think it's going well. But in the end, only time tells!