the urge!

[Mizpah]

I consider myself well-adjusted to his death.  (I feel like I start every post like that....)  But.  I still have an urge that remains.  I want to post photos of him on FB so often.  And I never allow myself - on his birthday only.  And I look forward to that one "post" click all year.  I hate the self-consciousness that would come if I were to post more often.  Do people think I'm "stuck"?  Do people think it's disrespectful to my boyfriend (who I love love love)?  Is it awkward?  Do people think I'm just trying to garner attention?  Do people think it's a cry for help?  Do people think I'm home crying?  Would people think it would make my boyfriend feel insecure/unloved? 

 

What the real reason is: I want people to see his face.  I want to be like, "This man lived!  He was so great!"  I want people to look at him.  I want people to see him.  I want to have conversations/comments that are about him.  Nothing is about him anymore.  Nothing.  "Life is for the living," and all that, and I get it.  Remembrance is so scarce, it seems.  And everything about the dead ends up being interpreted in such a fraught way.  It can't be casual.  It can't be happy.  Why not?!  So frustrating.  Or maybe I'm just too self-conscious and care too much what people think, I don't know. 

[Trying]

I find myself torn about things like FB posts too.  Fiancé doesn't mind posts about DH on significant days but has admitted he'd rather not see a wedding photo posted on our anniversary(different than me looking at those photos myself) makes perfect sense.  There are people in my life who think I don't talk about him enough and others who think I do too much. Peoples opinions mean less and less to me and I also feel the need to keep his memory alive.  I'm not looking for sympathy either, just acknowledgement that he was here and still should be. 

[canadiangirl]

Same here.  In fact, I just posted that essay by that young wid on my Facebook page and had the same conversation with myself about "will people think I am trying to gain attention or pity?" "will people think this is a cry for help?"  "is this too depressing?" 

 

But I posted because I know I'm not stuck (or at least  not irrevocably so) and I am not in need of attention, and I think (some) people really do care and want to try to understand without living it themselves.  Same with posting about my husband- I don't do it for sympathy, I do it because I want to honour him, to remind people he was real, to mark sadiversaries, to inspire people to hold their loved ones closer and be grateful.  I don't have the added complication/benefit of a new partner, but all the other stuff goes through my head. I too wish it wasn't so fraught, and we could just talk about death and the dead in a factual and accepting way.  I'm just going to do it anyway, ultimately.  One of the good things about being solo again is accountability stops here, I guess.  Thanks for raising this.

[Sugarbell]

I get it.

 

Moving to new town..lots of new FB contacts for kids stuff/sports...I want people to see their Dad.  My late husband the father of my 3 kids.

 

Everyone goes on and on about how tall my kids are and say "Oh they get the height from you"..--And they mean well and are nice..Bur I want to scream "Their Dad was 6'5 he played a 50 percent role in these kids genetics"

 

So every kids bday..I usually a few photos from the years and wish them Happy Birthday. I always include on of their Dad and I standing up holding a kid. I want folks to know him..my boys are so much like him is wild.

 

Sigh I get it.

[marjoe]

One of our former members posted a birthday wish on FB to her deceased husband - it was a "we" rememberance, along with her husband now, as she's remarried. It was a lovely and humorous post. My former 17 year old employe; dad (who I knew well) overdosed 9 years ago, posted today how the day sneaks up on her. She posted it with a memory of love. My friends post pictures of deceased parents, and how they miss them, and some are gone decades. Do it, Mizpah! I  know what you mean - but who gives a shit? Post it. Love may be here again, but it doesn't negate the effects of that special person, that one of a kind, never to be here again, funny, quirky individual who LIVED. Do it!

[tybec]

I understand.

 

I kinda started blogging on FB, writing notes after DH died.  I wanted folks to know I was still out there, raising my kid, not forgetting.  I also knew I could help others going through grief that couldn't share.  I am a therapist, so it was therapeutic. But I kinda wanted to share that my life really hurt and was painful, even with my own profession, and that I didn't get it until I GOT it.  I also used a lot of my faith based beliefs.  I have always had lots of responses.  People have made comments about my genuineness, gut wrenching sharing, that told my story and helped some of them.  I didn't do it for show.  It was too painful to do it JUST for show.  The writings are less and less, now anniversaries, the sadiversary.  But I don't want people to forget about DH, and me and my son.  It is also my journey of healing, which is to let others know it gets better, SLOWLY.  I am sure there are eye rollers, thoughts of "there she goes again."  But I don't care.  I don't know if they think that so no big deal to me.  On the outside, I have myself together. I have my kid and elderly mother to care for.  But I didn't want people to really think it was all okay in a few months or even a couple years. 

 

Now I share DH, like you.  I want them to remember him, too, and that his son is still here.  He is part of us after death.  He was that  remarkable, not to be forgotten. 

 

I am dating.  We are not FB official as we don't do that, either of us wanting that.  I do post less of my DH and our love story out of respect for him. When we are more official, I will probably limit it almost completely.  I too have shared some of the articles here, and always get someone sharing it was helpful.   

 

I think this is one of those "who cares what others think" situation.  They didn't walk in your shoes, and they can't get it completely, but if you want to share, do so.  Honor DH's memories, love story, healing process and the good, bad and ugly of it all.  People who don't want to see it can block you or unfollow you and you wouldn't miss them.  IMHO. 

 

Oh, and NG knows I am in a small town and has attended church with me, been out and about with me. He is aware of others talking, noticing, my neighbors.  (A neighbor cornered him at wedding he escorted me to and let him know how she thought about me and he better treat me well. He thought it was sweet, not turned off.) He has asked me if I worry about that. I told him most people are HAPPY I am dating.  They WANT to see me move forward, as it is hope for them that even if you lose the love of your life, life goes on and be good. WE are walking testaments every day. 

[Guest wecouldbeheros]

Totally agree. It's like who am I going to offend if I post a pic ? Some ass will have something negative to write.

[RemysWife]

I worry too much about what other people think of my posts... possibly bc I have received unsolicited advice and it pissed me off. (And since it was Christmas Eve when it happened, it especially pissed me off that she basically ruined my holiday.)

 

Anyway, I do worry that I post too much or too little. I am involved with a Pancreatic Cancer group, so when I share our fundraiser info, or news about cancer research, I wonder if it is seen as too much. Then other times, I wonder if I am only posting cancer stuff and not about who he was as a person.  Bc there just doesn't seem to be a right way to do this.

 

I think for me, it comes down to I think I have done really well. I honor him through my volunteering, and I remember him at certain special times. But I also have a pretty fulfilling life, even though I'm not dating. And I don't need the random HS people judging me.

 

I guess that is the thing that always sucks about FB.

[ManutesGirl]

This was the first year I didn't post a picture of us on our anniversary.  I may do that in the future but who knows. I always post on the anniversary of his death.  He mattered and I want people to remember that.  For me that's about all I do...some cause I like keeping it to myself but some because I don't want to deal with people judging. 

[Lmsmdm]

I could have written this post. I post on his Bday and our anniversary. I want to post more as well, but that god damn head tilt. Anytime I post anything about him, and get many. Hated the head tilt from day one!!!

[patriciad]

I so get it.  I have been widowed for almost 8 years and I remarried 4 years ago.  I only got on Facebook about a year ago and I noticed that my stepdaughter posts on her mom's birthday and day of death but my kids and my stepson don't really do anything.  My niece(new husband's niece who lives with us) posts pics of her deceased dad on significant days.

 

I kind of took my cue from my new DH.  He doesn't post pics of his first wife.  He will say "Did you see the pic DD posted?".  So I don't post pics, although I look at the boxes of photos all the time.  It is funny, this Facebook thing.  I am Facebook friends with many of my first husband's boyhood buddies-the ones we hung out with when we first started dating back when I was only 19.  Occasionally they will post a pic from the old days and it brings me such joy to know that they haven't forgotten him.  That they think about him sometimes with a smile. 

 

Hate this widow crap.

 

Pat

[klim]

I don't post ....I don't need to....he's in my heart and my head...he's in my children and the way they lead their life. He is mine to cherish.

There are other who also carry him with them but I don't need to advertise....

 

I have a neice who adored my father( her grandpa) and always posts on the aniversary of his death. I have mixed feelings about that...in a way I think it's sweet and in a way i think why are you putting that out there. do you need other people to know you loved him?

 

Anyways I think I'm in the minority here but that's my thought.

 

[Mizpah]

I get what you're saying, klim.  But for me it's not a message saying, "Hey, I loved him and he loved me."  It's more like, "This man is nowhere in the world and he should be seen and loved and remembered."  Like, "Hey, look at this man!  Look at his face!  He existed!  He was part of this world!"  Before, random people would see him on the street, strangers - now, no one sees him.  (I only post on his birthday, not our anniversary or his death day.  It's about HIM, not us or death or me.)

 

I think perhaps it's the last shred of my grief, a part that's now about me: anger (for him, on his behalf) that he truly is gone.  Because really, at heart, it's that people should see him, because really he should still be alive. 

 

(DH was 28 and we hadn't had children yet, so there's no piece of him left here - maybe that increases the impulse, I don't know.) 

[tybec]

Friday is five yrs. for me.  I am actually not sure if I will post.  Normally I write stuff, kinda blog on our anniversary and sadiversary.  Just not sure what I want to share.  NG and I are discussing long term.  It presents a quandary out of respect for him and my DH.  Never thought I would feel this way.  May go with the flow, wing it, which works generally.

 

I think I will run his picture for the day. And , those that remember, will. He loved that George jones song, "he stopped loving her today."  Maybe share that.

[klim]

Actually my children is one reason I don't post.....I want them to remember when they want..... not when they go on facebook to check in on something and suddenly  are faced with what's missing...... 

 

[Wheelerswife]

I'm a poster myself.  I just passed the third anniversary of my second husband's death and then his birthday 5 days later.  I still post pictures and memories of him.  I'm in a much better place than I was three years ago, but I also want him to be remembered, and I like that his friends have a place where they can post something, too.  Monday was his birthday, and I suggested that people could post a memory of him, and several came out of the woodwork and mentioned things I didn't know about from his past.  It me, it feels good.

 

Today is also the anniversary of my first date with my first husband.  I didn't post any pictures - just a short line "26 years ago today...I had a first date. I married him." 

 

I really don't think it bothers anyone that I post about my late husbands.  If it does...I am unaware.

 

Maureen

[tybec]

5 years today I joined this club.  AND I did it.  I posted his pic and wrote a note on FB.  I feel good about it.  I was able to write about being thankful more than sad, anger, and bitter.  5 years to get here. 

 

I have lots of support and believe many want to know you can be "okay" after such a significant lost.  I want them to remember my man, husband, father, son, friend, uncle, cousin. 

 

I also talked to NG for almost an hour this a.m.  I told him I was posting, and he is understanding.

 

It is what it is. Thanks for this board of fellow club members. So glad I found it 4 years ago.

[MR]

I also want to write but then realize kids might not like it. My 19 year old asked me to close his mom's FB as it pops up whenever he is on FB so I did close it considering he requested it few times and think it is kind of closure for him.

[tybec]

MR,

Good point.  My son is 13, and not on FB.  But I do consider his feelings about things.  He is going to the cemetery with me today.  He did not choose to go on our anniversary in Dec.  I don't make him.  He needs to grieve how he needs to. 

 

I post less and less now.  Been since Nov. and prior to that May.  But I always have lots of support, and many have losses.  Not a spouse, but someone.  Anyway. 

 

Glad there are all ways to handle this.  One size does not fit all.

[klim]

MR this is exactly the reaction I get. My sons are 19 and 21 so maybe that is just where they are at.....or how they handle things but yes their DAD popping up on facebook does not make them feel good.

 

I also feel his brother, who was very close, would be rattled if popped up on facebook all the time.