For those in budding relationships ...

[arneal]

It's funny, trying2; I had no qualms about running him to the airport last year. What made me laugh about it was that he stayed with me like two days before he had to leave ... showered here, used my towel and hairbrush like it was nothing. Cracked me up how comfy he got. I go to his place on New Year's and worry about using his towel to dry my hands. Again, so junior high

 

Oh! And to all who care for children or have them, happy Mother's Day weekend!

[jgib]

I think red flags are red flags.  I think people can modify and cover things about themselves when in new relationships.  How many times have you heard "they just changed"?  In most cases they didn't, it was just the red flags were ignored as one off.

Sounds a bit negative I suppose, but if something comes up you just have to decide if you can live with it because I think it will come up again.

[arneal]

jgib -- I agree, which is why I also thought the 'cautiously optimistic' stance was a good one The first husband was abusive and I saw the signs within the first few times I went out with him. However, I was young, stupid, and idealistic. I became hyper-aware and paid close attention when I met my second husband. If he got angry or upset, there was an obvious reason. It was out of character and never directed at me. When we talked about it the first time I saw him a bit upset (because he was always a very even tempered man), he talked about having had issues with anger in the past. He never talked things out then, just reacted instead. Over the 16 years we were together, we never argued or had any sort of fight. That is the sort of relationship I came to value and believe in so I do watch NGs reactions quite closely out of caution for my own well-being.

[trying2breathe]

Completely agree that in a new relationship, you can modify and create yourself to be something that you might not otherwise be.  If NG was resistant to our conversation about my concerns, I would have cut it off then.  But he wasn't resistant, wanted to know more, asked questions and expressed concern about my feelings. 

 

 

Interestingly, in the past few days he's started to justify his actions, calling himself assertive and not in his opinion aggressive - "a guy thing".  I let him know that whatever it's called, I wasn't comfortable with it.  My radar is up, he's not free and clear, I'm still cautiously optimistic.  Although a bit more cautious, now that he's backpedaling a bit.

[arneal]

Howdy all! Hoping your weekend is going well. I'm here to deliver the junior high moments for today

 

I love finding things to do on the cheap so Groupon and LivingSocial are two of my favorite sites. I tried to set up something for this weekend but it didn't happen as it was one of those excursions you have to make a reservation for ahead of time and with it being Mother's Day weekend, they were probably full. So before not being able to go, I had asked NG if he wanted to go with. He asked what it was all about, etc. etc. He then says he was planning to come my way early on Saturday if I didn't have plans. I volunteer in the morning so he said he was thinking early afternoon (usually we get together for an evening movie or dinner -- I tend to work in the early part of the day and he does stuff he can't do during the week because of work). First junior high moment -- I was thrilled at spending pretty much the whole day together

 

Despite not getting to use the Groupon, we had a good day. At one point we were talking about his bike and he mentioned that he might take a ride up north (where he's from) on Memorial weekend. Mind you, Memorial Monday marks a year that we've been seeing each other. We just kept talking while my brain was going a mile a minute. I was back and forth with myself, trying to decide if I should say something, if I should let it pass without mention, or what. He comes from a family that didn't make over him much ... would do big parties for his brothers at birthdays but ignore his, stuff like that. So as they say, I bit the bullet. This morning while we were just chilling before getting some coffee, I said, 'Hey! It's May!' He answered with something like, 'Yep, it's actually been for about 14 days now.' I came back with, 'But it's May, which means it's about a year since we first went out -- how time flies, huh?' He was like, 'Is that right?' and we went on with other conversations.

 

I feel like I'm off the hook by having a casual conversation about it because at the end of last month, I was trying to figure out how to plan something to commemorate it. I am so not a mushy person when it comes to stuff like that -- I'm not good at it, coming from a family that wasn't really into big displays too (since my dad's been gone, my mom has gotten more into celebrating everything with flair though, so maybe she's rubbing off on me lol). I put it out there and so there it is. If he goes up north that weekend, I will see if I can hang out with some friends somewhere. Since I didn't say specifically what day, chances of us actually doing something to mark the year is slim.

 

And I am actually good with that. Growth can be strange

 

Happy Mother's Day, ladies -- as our assistant pastor said in service today, even if you have not given birth to any babies yourself, you have influenced others and for that have been in a mother's shoes as well!

[trying2breathe]

arneal  I'm not one that pays a lot of attention to romantic milestone dates, so I get more of what your NG is doing.  My NG reminds me every once in awhile that we're now starting "month x" of dating, or that we've done this or that x number of times.  When he says these things, I usually look at him with a blank stare and say "really"?  For awhile he was taking notes, which I find pretty incredible, and that's how he was keeping track.  I consider myself to be expressive, romantic and attentive to details, but dates have never been my thing.  If your NG is planning a bike trip without understanding what this date means to you, it may be that he didn't realize that Memorial Day weekend marks a year together with you.

 

 

As marking this date is important to you, can you be straightforward in mentioning this to him?  Maybe something like "On Memorial Day, we will have been together for a year, this is special to me and I would like to celebrate this with you.  What do you think?".  Maybe it won't be anything planned for Memorial Monday, but it would be a celebration nonetheless.  If celebrating specifically on Memorial Day is important to you, maybe mention that too?

[arneal]

Thanks, trying2. I came up with an alternate plan, which has an A and B option (lol -- that's what happens when you do research for a living ...). I was asking my brother (not blood, but close enough to be) about the whole thing. He is an introvert, as am I, and as NG is. Like I said to bro -- put two introverts together and what happens? Nobody does anything for fear of getting it wrong or saying the wrong thing and messing everything up.  ;D

So here is the plan and my thoughts behind it all:

 

Plan A: I have a Groupon to go to the wolf preserve this coming Saturday. I tried to get in this weekend but with it being Mother's Day, they didn't call me back because they were probably packed out. I called and left them a message again today to try and get a reservation, so we'll see. I had mentioned it and he was game and when I said I was trying this weekend, he offered to take his bike up. So I think that's a go.

 

Plan B: if I don't get the call back for this coming weekend, I grabbed a Groupon for what looks like a nice steakhouse place. Don't know if there is anything interesting going on anywhere but a good meal, a glass of wine, and good conversation is usually not a bad thing.

 

I figure whatever I do I can call it a celebration for the first year. I doubt he remembers the exact date so it can be like a casual toast or something. I also figure that way we can recognize it, he can take his time away (which I think he needs ... the job has been stressful, he and his daughter just moved, and there are a few other things), and life goes on.

 

I tend not to be particularly mushy about these sorts of things but dating (and dating him) is such a new experience for me. I am trying to create a new life, one that will make me happy and bring happiness to those around me. It's more important that it gets recognized in some way, but I can't say exactly why. I never marked time like that with LH. Interesting you mention your NG taking notes; I have a keepsake book, sort of like a diary. I have movie ticket stubs in it and all sorts of things to mark different dates we've gone on. Don't know that I'd ever show it to him though!

[trying2breathe]

Both plans sound like good ones  , either sound like a really nice celebration.  A year together is a big milestone, keep us posted on what you decide!  About being an introvert, I'm usually one to cut to the chase, and this doesn't always work out well! 

 

 

Interesting about the keepsake book, after NG told me about his notes I started to wonder whether I should start something like that too. It's likely that I won't, though - I still journal in a grief book which has ended up being notes to my LH, usually about the kids' milestones and celebrations.  What I do write about NG are what I call burn letters - every once in awhile when I'm feeling particularly emotional I will write a letter to NG and put it all out there.  When finished I'll keep it for a day or two to read over again, and then take it out back to the firepit and burn it.  It's my intention to never have anybody read these letters, more of a therapeutic way of getting my thoughts out there. I would certainly never share my burn letters with him!

[arneal]

Thanks trying2; I was just reading a post over on the online dating thread about oversharing. I think LH and I overshared the whole time we were together  ;D I think of him, I see his photo (a small one near a small one of my dad who is also deceased), and every now and again I imagine what he would say about a certain thing but I don't feel the urge to share with him anymore ... my stepdaughter had a keepsake urn necklace/pin made for me after LH died. It's in my drawer. I've worn it maybe twice. Stepdaughter will sometimes talk about her dad during the brief conversations we have these days but I try to steer the conversation in other directions. I don't want to diminish her feelings but don't want to give the impression that I'm in the same place as she is with missing him and so on. Of course I do, but it's changed. I think it changed when he got so sick. Plus I have moved forward and don't feel like I need to discuss that with her. But I digress. Instead of writing to NG, I have conversations in my head, imagining what I would say and how. Practicing before the opportunity arises to actually have the conversation  Will keep you all updated as things press on!

[trying2breathe]

As I read through almost four years of my grief journal, it's evolved into mostly updates to him on our kids.  I guess this is a good thing, there's no longer the questions and anguish about his death.  When he was alive, there was definitely some oversharing going on, and he wasn't always comfortable with it.  I realize that I miss mostly being a couple with him.  Now that I'm dating, the desire to be a couple is now being met.  I now share most of my thoughts with NG, and it feels right.

 

 

Conversations with his family makes me realize that their grief is lessened, but I believe is essentially the same emotion.  My grief has evolved, I think dating has evolved it even more.    Conversations with my brother-in-law in the early days were comforting, but now they're just weird.  Now that I'm dating I feel that the couple relationship is now being satisfied by NG.  My brother-in-law will never replace his brother.  I've not shared with his family that I'm dating, fearing hurt feelings and added grief.  I fear that one day soon I'll be caught with NG  :-[  That will be a junior high moment!

[arneal]

trying2 -- I hear you about who to tell about dating. For me, I told just a few people when I decided I was ready to try dating/online dating. I was ready pretty quick (LH died 2 February, I started checking online sites a few months later; met NG online it was either Friday or Saturday of Memorial Day weekend and met face to face on Memorial Day). I told two local friends I trusted before the face to face as a safety thing. I also told two women who are like sisters to me; the one I've known since third grade and we know more about each other than probably anyone else and the other is a close second. Once we'd met I told my mother and eventually told one of my uncles. And of course my son knows.

 

As far as LH's family: one of his cousins (female) is like a sister to me and we talk just about every day. She has been married three times and all three husbands are deceased, so she gets it. I am grateful for her and she is happy for me. I mentioned something maybe in the early fall to my stepdaughter about having a friend who could fix something in the house but not wanting to impose; her response was to have him do it and just tell him to bring a change of clothes because I have the two bathrooms and he could shower ... she was adamant however that if I did it, I needed to not let him shower in my bedroom Needless to say, I don't talk to her about my personal life; she is 30 and I know her mom gushes about her love life (or lack thereof) so it's partly that and I have the feeling that she thinks I am sitting around, pining over her dad like she is. We are connected on social media so I see her profile, which has been a photo of her and her dad when she was about four or five years old. She made it that within days of his death and has kept it that way. NG and I are connected on social media as well but it's a public space so there's only been maybe two posts in all this time that were more on the personal side; even those were not red flag - they are dating - type posts. Fortunately, the friends who know we are dating are not saying.

 

Bottom line for me is, for all family, is that until something is publicly official, I am not saying anything. I mean, NG has a sister back east, my mom and just about all the rest of my family are as well, and I've thought about making a suggestion that we take a trip back there together. However, I want to wait until we are a good bit past that one year mark :-X If that conversation ever happens, I'll probably ask, 'So, how are we calling ourselves?' 

[tybec]

Hey all.  Been a strange 2 weeks.  My elderly mother I just moved 2 months ago to a personal care home ended up in the hospital with pneumonia.  She hasn't been admitted to a hospital in 7 yrs.  The illness messed up her electrolytes which lead to heart issues.  I have been back and forth for the time, as she is in the town my NG lives.

 

NG, of course, has let me stay with him.  I have had to make arrangements for my teen son.  School is out this week.  NG met my eldest brother, then, Mother's day weekend, as I guilted two brothers to come see her and I was exhausted.  Well, things worsened Tues.  She went into VTach several times over several hours.  DNR, and I am her health surrogate, and I was alone.  Doctor said to call in all family members who want to see her.  One brother got back quickly, and NG let him and me stay at his place.  He has gotten me dinner each night.  He has offered to stay at the hospital with me.  He took a new job a month ago, so I told him he needed to stay on the new job.  I am not his wife, ya know.  So, he is stepping up.  He is quite supportive.  He is seeing me in a new state of despair and sadness and so far so good. 

 

Working out the arrangements for my mother.  Like hospice.  She is stable but likely bed ridden the rest of her days due to the damage to the heart.  This is the 2nd go around for me as my father died of Alzheimer related illness after 5 yrs. skilled care.  NG really hasn't dealt with this, just his grandfather a few years ago.  His issues are with ex, custody, etc.  Different experiences.  So, see how we maneuver.   

[tybec]

On a positive note, I do keep track of dates and events.  My LH had cancer when he was 34 and was cured.  So, we celebrated because we learned early life is short.  LH even put reminders on his calendar for things like our first date (1983!!!), the day he proposed, etc.

 

SO, NG is experiencing some of this.  We met face to face 3/5/2016.  He told me he loved me 4/30/2016.  I keep dates in my head.  I don't make a huge deal, but maybe a cheers or reminder to him.  Quality time is one of my love languages, so noting our time together is part of that for me.  I'll see how he adapts to that ;-) 

[arneal]

tybec -- I am so sorry to hear of the latest stressors in your life and lift you and your mom and family to the Light. Glad to hear that NG is there for you all. That is fabulous!

 

So I got to chat with my (not-blood-related) little brother yesterday One thing that he said about this whole event tracking thing was that for some men, they do it in their head and while they act casual about it, they are very much conscious of those special dates even while not mentioning them. I think that is true of NG; when I think about his approach to Christmas for example, he didn't say much of anything but put a lot of thought into the gifts (and there were a few) that he gave me. He tends to be more low-key on lots of things but seems to enjoy them

 

Count-down to the wolf preserve this Saturday; I texted him about it and the time but have yet to get a real response. I was telling my friend when we were walking the other day that I since I didn't ask him any questions in my text that I will probably hear from him early Saturday. However, I am a stickler for time frames and will text him in the evening on Friday so he'll know my expectations on when we need to leave

[klim]

I pay very little attention to dates...I know I started dating early in January...that's all I know.....actually that's not true , it was a wednesday.

 

I've had three relationships in my life, LH, 1st NG and now 2nd NG. Each have had a different background, Polish, German and now Dutch......so I have gained a smattering of each language.

 

I took an inventory of the dutch words I can remember so far...I'm always asking how to say things .....

 

 

So far I know the words for "drink", "teacher" ,"kiss" and "wild"

 

 

I'm not sure about what it says about this relationship but so far it's been fun.

[arneal]

Love it, klim!

 

You bring up another interesting thing about the differences in our encounters. I went for my annual checkup today and one of the questions on the pre-visit form asked how many pregnancies, how many children, and how many miscarriages I'd had. It then asked how many sexual partners I've had in the past 12 months and how many in my life (it offered a blank to fill in for each). Neither of these points came up in the conversation with the doctor but they made me think that they hadn't come up in the course of my building relationship with NG either ... not that it matters because neither of us are children and I suppose we assume that we came into this with more than the recent past 

[trying2breathe]

tybec  Sorry to hear about your mom, and hope that you have some peaceful moments in the days & weeks ahead.  Good to know that NG is stepping up to help you out, a great thing that he is there for you at this time.

 

 

I too keep dates in my head, have never kept a "dating" journal although have to admit the idea of it is intriguing.  Knowing that NG writes things down makes me feel a bit skittish, he has an uncanny ability to remember things that I tell him, and I suspect that he goes back and checks his notes.

 

 

I've not seen my NG much this week, it's been a busy and emotional week with visiting family and DD's HS graduation.  I met him for dinner on Monday evening which happened to be the date of what would have been my 24th wedding anniversary.  As I was feeling a bit melancholy, I mentioned the anniversary to him and he immediately said "Oh no!" and then changed the subject.  It's a big disappointment that he didn't acknowledge what I'm going through.  I pretty much backed away from him this week, haven't texted or been in touch much with him.  I realize that my expectations are pretty high to ask somebody to take on the emotional rollercoaster of a widow.  But for him to completely gloss over my sadness, what a disappointment.  Supposed to meet him tomorrow for a movie date, we'll see.  Meh ~

[arneal]

So sorry trying2; I think part of it (not making excuses but thinking through my typing fingers here) that it might be difficult for NG to offer a what is a reasonable response. If he doesn't get how you feel about it ... you're dating, which could be viewed as 'She has moved on in total', acknowledging that you felt some kind of way about what would have been your wedding anniversary might be tough to speak to. Maybe changing the subject was his way of attempting to move you to a happier state of mind? (I am being hopeful over here) {{{hugs}}}

[arneal]

Howdy all:

 

An update -- so I shared that I had a coupon to go to the wolf preserve. I'd told NG and he seemed interested. This week was a bit tough so when I texted to tell him I'd confirmed for Saturday, I didn't get a response. I went on with my full week but then when the weekend arrived (mind you, we'd been messaging about other stuff) and I didn't get a confirmation, I sent a text to tell him to say I was sorry I couldn't change his mind about coming and that I was taking off, would pick up the BBQ I had planned to investigate (again a coupon so I knew there would be plenty) and that I'd be around if he wanted to meet up. I proceeded to drive the 1+ hours to the place.

 

Let me say it was cathartic; I hadn't been to that area before. Ever. The last time I'd driven in that direction, I'd had my LH and my son in my home. I have to go to Arizona in a few months and had been planning to drive myself and felt this trip was a precursor. It was glorious! I got there and had a fantastic time with the wolves. I posted oodles of photos. As I was leaving I told the proprietor that I planned to come back and she said, 'Well, maybe your friend will come with next time' and we smiled.

 

We met up later and he called me the wolf lady and we laughed about it; he'd seen all my fantastic photos. He sort of looked sheepishly and said, 'You have a hard time getting me to go places' (he was referring to the preserve as well as an outing that didn't happen back around Christmas). I made a face and said, 'Well I plan to go back, so next time!' and kept on with the rest of the evening.

 

Bottom line, I absolutely adore him and understand that stuff happens. But I will go off and have a wonderful time, meeting people, and doing things regardless. I say to him: Catch up if you can

[trying2breathe]

 

Start of a new week, both my kids are home for the summer.  Several milestone dates have come and gone, I'm ready for the start of summer. 

 

arneal  The wolf preserve sounds fantastic, so glad that you went anyway despite NG not being with you.  How great to have this experience!  Love your attitude.  I bet that he won't want to miss out on the next adventure!

What you say about NG makes sense.  It's surprising to me that he doesn't want to acknowledge and give some kind of support during these occasional tough days.  I'm usually a positive and happy person, he's only seen this side of me.  I'll have a conversation with him this week, we'll see how it goes.  Thank you for your input.

 

 

 

 

[tybec]

Ok, so I still consider very much budding.    I am past the euphoria stage.  I learned in a class with the five love languages about the first part of the relationship is pure euphoria and can last up to 18 months!  You love everything about them, the annoyances are cute, the jokes are funny, etc.  And you can't live without them, pining, and it hurts to be apart.  And then it slowly changes, and the things that were the cutest are now driving you crazy. And most marriages end around 3 years, not 7 anymore.  So, the 18 months makes sense!  Many are married or living together by this time, and then realize, OH MY!  This is not really what I thought. So make or break time . Love 'em or leave 'em time. 

 

I believe I am here. I love NG.  But we are showing our true selves.  And the annoying stuff is there, both sides.  My point, I guess, is I didn't know all this stuff when married at 21.  And I stuck it out, and through without overthinking all this. SO different being older, wisdom, experience, and add great loss to it.  This is not for the faint of heart.

[arneal]

Thank you for sharing that, tybec. I agree with you. I was certainly idyllic (read: young, naive, and very stupid) at 21. If I hadn't been, life would look very different today and maybe I wouldn't be a woman with two widow experiences under her belt ... The 18 months thing is interesting to me as next week marks the 12 month point for NG and I. I lived with both my husbands before we got married; went in with wide open eyes the second time. LH and I spent lots of time together at his house so I knew pretty much all of his quirks before moving in there. Because I spent so much time there, I think he knew mine as well. NG spends time here more than I do at his house, more I think because he wants to set the example to his daughter that he doesn't want her boyfriend spending the night There has been no discussion of something as huge as mutual living arrangements, so I'm not even thinking that far ahead. I look forward to the day that 'I love you' gets said out loud by either/both of us. One step at a time

[RobFTC]

Hi folks,

 

I've been holding out on you some    I've been seeing someone since October, taking it deliberately slowly and letting things develop.  We've been exclusive for awhile, and have been Facebook-official (lol!) for a couple of months.  She's sharp and capable, has a good life on her own, treats people well, we talk very well together, and the hugs and kisses are awesome.  We haven't tended to get together more than once a week, and so we haven't had the bandwidth to talk about some things.

 

My birthday is coming up, and I knew I wanted to have a party at my place to let more people meet her, and had mentioned that a couple of weeks ago.  We haven't really talked about it since, so I wasn't sure what she was thinking.  I am used to orchestrating my own birthday stuff after all these years - Lord knows my girls won't do anything for me that way!  Work has kept me from really finalizing the party, so I finally got the event invite sent out last night.  I sent her a heads-up before I started on that, and I probably caught her off-guard.  She wanted to get in and help, though, so she's getting a cake and plates and cups and such.  And this weekend, she's taking us to mini-golf and cooking dinner for us tomorrow, which is pretty nice.

 

We got together for breakfast this morning, and I focused for a minute on how comfortable and good I felt in her presence.  I haven't known if this is built to last, but I guess I know now that I'd like it to be :-)

 

Take care,

Rob T

[arneal]

Cheering for you, Rob! Hope you'll keep us updated.

 

This is the one-year-since-first-date weekend. Since it seems NG isn't one to do anything to mark the moment, I've been spending today working in my family room (the surround sound was non-op since LH died). My wonderful neighbor came down and moved the 9,000lb TV that was in here and I was able to clean. After my volunteer time this morning I picked up a new TV and stand. I spent most of the day getting it all put together and running. It is fabulous! Even if I don't see him this weekend, I and the dogs will be watching this 50" screen, theatre-style. But of course I am hoping to see NG as it is the weekend and this is when we usually meet up. Sigh.

[trying2breathe]

I'm cheering too, Rob - how great that you've found somebody special!  Your post brings a big smile.

 

 

arneal  It's a special weekend, even if your NG doesn't recognize it.  Happy One Year to you and your NG!  Hope that you're able to have a celebratory dinner/toast/event to mark the occasion.  I was always one to insist on celebrating an occasion on THE day, regardless of circumstances.  My LH didn't care one way or the other when something was celebrated, oftentimes it was planned for a time that was convenient.  It took some adjusting on my part, and I eventually came to terms with being more lenient with when occasions were celebrated.  One year is probably important to your NG, just on different terms.