introduce yourself here

[Justin]

ColSavMama,

 

I am so glad to see you made over to us! I first found the people here just weeks after my wife died, and it was literally like finding a lifeboat after I been adrift at sea. (A previous version of this forum had been hosted at another site, which is now defunct, but we are rebuilding - we are widows, that's what we do!)

 

Here, you will find widows in all different stages: from those with very recent loss, to years out. Please feel free to post as often as you like, as we are all here for each other. I think you will also find everyone receptive to personal messages, as well.

 

Take care, and as we say: "be gentle with yourself".

[Guest Mel4072]

Hi. I'm Melanie. My husband was diagnosed in July 2011 with bladder cancer. We had 3 kids at home. He assured them that he would be ok. Fought like hell with chemo and radiation. March 24, 2013 he died. My kids were here. Hardest thing I've ever had to do...

It's been 2 years. We were together for 24 years. Lots of good memories. Lots of good living. Lots of problems too but I learned how to work through those and it made me a better person.

"This" has made me a better person. I think twice about judging others. I'm quick to comfort. I worry less about trivial things. I don't hold on to material things like I used to. I live and enjoy. I've learned to love again. It is possible to be ok. 2 years ago, I wondered. And then I grew....

[MissingMyJon]

Hi, I'm MissingMyJon.  My wonderful husband died almost a year ago, on April 30th suddenly and unexpectedly during the night in our bedroom.  My beautiful, strong, healthy husband collapsed on the floor in the night from cardiac arrest.  He had no symptoms prior.  He was 28 when he passed.  We were married just shy of 3 years, and only had 7 years together.  I guess it was a good thing we jammed a lifetime of memories in those 7 years.  Who knew.  He was my second chance at bliss, as I had been a disastrous first marriage.  Jon and I have a now 3 year old, and I have 3 kids from my previous marriage.  After almost a year without Jon, I still wake up most mornings wondering how I got here, knowing in my mind this is my life, but still struggling with it in my heart.

 

I was on ywbb, but didn't post much.  I read mostly.  Not everyone has the words to describe the insanity of widowhood.  I am hoping to break out of my shell and spend more time writing as well as reading, growing with this community.

[Lola2009]

Hi Everyone! I was a YWBB member and avid poster back in 2010/11. My husband died at the age of 30 in a motorcycle accident, I was 29 and we had an infant son. The forum saved me and helped me so much in the early years. I stopped posting as much as life changed a bit, and then I heard about the closure of ywbb and was sad about it but am SO GLAD when I heard this one is now open and thought I would just reestablish myself. I am also running a support group in my area and send all the newly widowed people here as I know how much this format has helped me. I see some familiar names too from early on in my journey! I think my username is the same but I am just guessing at this point!

 

It's been 5 years for me now and it feels like 500 years and 5 minutes ago at the same time. I feel like a "got this" and yet I am so lost at the same time still. I feel a little stuck. Perhaps because I feel a little lost is why I need to lean onto the community again. 

[Guest IronBear]

I lost my wife of almost twenty five years in 2005 when a cancer that nearly killed her in 1997 came back as an inoperable tumor in her liver. She was just 47 years old and our kids were 20, 17, and 12. This has been a bad week. Laurie has been visiting my dreams again and I found a bunch of photos while cleaning that triggered the dark place again. I discover YWBB in 2006 but rarely posted until 2009.

[Ursula]

Hello, I have been on on the 'old' board where I met many of the wonderful people who are now on this new board. I am so grateful to the founders of this new lifeline, thank you Jess for helping me getting (finally) installed!

I lost Alex my husband on February 15 last year to a drowning accident. He went of to fish and never came back. I found him on a beach the next morning. We have a boy who only just turned two at the time of his untimely death.

I consider myself being in complicated grief because our relationship was very difficult. I am a widow now for over a year. I am struggling with the finality of things and the fact that this situation cannot be changed, that I cannot resolve, make peace, forgive unless I do it myself. I feel utterly destroyed and lost. I am a positive, loving and energetic person by nature but this has just taken me off my feet. I cannot and do not want to let go. I probably still refuse to be in this situation. I am very angry at life, fate or destiny or whatever you wish to call it for being in this misery and for having to not only see myself suffer but above all our small boy who is innocent. I deal with daily life (work, childcare) and 'function' ok but for my taste my nerves are worn too thin, I freak out over minor things and many times our little son is the one who suffers it (not ok). On the outside I am 'so strong' but on the inside I want to howl and kick many many times. I have found a wonderful therapist who listens and guides me but the reality is that I have to get myself out of this hell by myself.  At the moment I live on a Carribeean island, where the weather is mostly warm and sunny and people are laid back which I believe helps my mood. I will return to Europe this summer however and have no idea yet how I / we will cope. Good thing is, I will meet up with some of our fellow wids in Amsterdam, so something to look forward to. Hugs to all of you. I am glad to be able to communicate here. At the moment I am not very communicative but hopefully this will change again. Thank you guys who started this board and all of you who take time to listen and reply.

 

 

[serpico]

In June of 2013 my wife of 14+ years returned from her fifth overseas mission trip at around 2am. We talked for awhile before bed, and I let her sleep in the next morning, though I did tell her goodbye before going to work. She went to work and we talked briefly on her way home while she was getting her beloved Diet Coke from McD's.  About an hour later when I hadn't heard from her I began to worry, so I left my son's ball practice and retraced her route home from work.

 

About halfway there I saw flashing lights and an accident scene and I asked a volunteer if that was a Lexus that was crumpled beneath a semi trailer.  He told me to keep moving - thinking I was a rubber-necker - but I explained that I hadn't heard from my wife and this was her route home. Soon after, a deputy came up and asked my name and my wife's name, and he told me she had been in a fatal accident. He then drove me home, where my mother-in-law and two of my three kids were waiting for me. They saw me stagger out of the car and they knew - I'm sure of it - but I had to tell them nonetheless.

 

It's been a long journey since then. I started dating after about five months and thought I'd found love again but those hopes were quickly dashed.  I then dove back into dating but found that doing so as a 42-year old with three kids wasnt easy. I've since throttled back and am trying to get used to life as a single Dad. Quite honestly, it sucks, but I still have so many things to be thankful for so I try to focus on the positives.

 

I found YWBB about nine months out, and while I wont describe it as a lifesaver, it was helpful. I've found that I have a different take on things than many on these boards, but I firmly believe that I need to keep giving my opinions rather than trying to conform to the norm on here. It hasn't made me many new friends, but I don't plan on changing any time soon.

[loquaciousloki]

I'm LoquaciousLoki (after my talkative kitty). My husband killed himself about 5 months ago. He was 26. We had been together for over 6 years and married for 2. It's been really hard learning to live without him and realize he won't be in future. We didn't have any children because it wasn't the right time and now we never will. I've lost the most important person in my life and my future.

 

I've been fortunate that I've kept up with other interests and friends while I was married, because my friends have really come through for me. They don't really understand, most of them are still single, but they try to help.

 

I'm hoping I can learn something from this site and not feel so alone.

[rifatheroffour]

So it seems silly to "introduce" myself at this point but I joined YWBB June 10, 2013 almost 5 months after my wife died...27 months ago today(13th) my dear wife, Fal, died in her sleep.  She suffered from Non-specific Interstitial Lung Disease since 2005.  She had been successfully treated on and off with prednisone until June of 2012 when she had to go on 24hr oxygen.  By November we spent a week in Brigham Women's Hospital having her evaluated for a double lung transplant.  Within the week as part of the transplant workup we discovered she had two lumps on her right breast, cancer.  So now she is off the transplant list and we are making plans to deal with a difficult surgery.  Since the breast cancer was early stage we decided to wait until after the holidays for further treatment "just in case" since surgery was going to be a challenge.  January 9th she lost feeling in her left side while her sister was visiting, she was rushed to the hospital fearing a stroke but her symptoms subsided within a few hours and we went back home the next evening.  Saturday she just felt tired all day and we talked about whether I should call her Dr., she said she was just tired.  That night she was to tired to climb the stairs to go to bed, first time she did not go to bed upstairs.  We had to drive to Boston the next day to stay at a friend's for early Monday Dr. appointments to schedule surgery etc.  I was tired and told her I needed a good nights sleep too.  I got her all set up on the couch, phone, water, tucked in etc. kissed her good night and went upstairs. I slept so well that night until 4am when I suddenly woke for no reason then fell back to sleep.  8am came and my two youngest children came to tell me that they couldn't wake mom up. She died in her sleep, hopefully peacefully.

 

My children, a few of DW's good friends(one in particular), this site and the new friends I have made here are what have kept me sane.  About a year ago I began to realize my heart has the capacity to love still/again. Not sure how that is going to go but I am open to the possibilities.

[BrocktonDave]

Hey, it's me...  I don't get here often, because I can't get to the site from work...  Strange rules of the Internet. I was a daily visitor of YWBB, and I miss it.  I didn't save off any of the stuff I put there. I'm not sure how I feel about that, but the decision is irrevocable now.

 

I lost my wife Becky on the Fourth of July 2012.  We went to the movies, and she didn't come home. She had a pulmonary embolism that took her life in 5 minutes. I found YWBB within a few months and poured my heart out to strangers who knew how I felt. You were there for me. I had some pretty strange manic episodes, but you guys understood.  We were married for 10 years.

 

Through some folks on YWBB I got put in touch with a sweet young widow from California who was my salvation.  We hit it off quickly, she came here to visit family and we met, then I went to CA to visit her and within a few months she had packed up her life and moved to be with me on the other side of the country. I went from being childless to a father of two, then to a father of three.  YWBB truly gave me a new lease on life. Thanks guys. Thanks for the new home.

[Guest marian1953]

Dave! So good to "see" you!

Marian

[Sandi1970]

Yah Dave! What a sweet little story! Wishing you much happiness!

[ieh21]

Hello. I am ieh21. I found YWBB a few months after my DH was diagnosed with cancer. I thought that finding resources and being prepared would help me, it usually does, but in that case, it actually backfired and I couldn't handle the talk here. When he died, an inevitability of having stage 4 lung cancer, I returned to YWBB and found it to be the most useful community I'd ever encountered, virtual or in person.

 

Joe was diagnosed right after we found out I was pregnant with our second child. Fortunately, he responded well to Iressa, a once-daily pill, so we had a great summer. In September, he started coughing again, and really, it went downhill from there, very rapidly. We managed one last trip to NY, which we spent mostly indoors in the hotel room. But he was sick, I was pregnant, so it was paradise.

 

After that it was really atrocious. I gave birth through a planned C-section that had nothing to do with the birthing plan and illusions of control I'd had with the first birth. This one was planned 24-hrs ahead after the oncologist told the obstetrician that Joe could stand by my side for a 30 min stretch.  Now, he said, or maybe never.

 

Joe got to meet his second daughter, which was in of itself a miracle. We'd been told that there was a chance he wouldn't make it.

 

A few weeks later, the day before her baby naming (a Jewish ritual), he was hospitalised for pain management, a met was lodged in his spine and although he was willing to try a last ditch effort of spinal surgery to attempt dislodging the met, he never recovered and died a week later.

 

It's been 4.5 years. I remember vividly calling all his friends, from close and from far, telling them to come see him NOW. And they were all there, some to see him alive for the last time, some to carry the casket into the grave.

 

Life took over. I had two small children (still have them!) I came back to work to a promotion. I learned to rely on friends, on my parents. I learned to deal with my anger. I learned to use the strength that I showed surviving this ordeal to make myself stronger in other aspects of my life.

 

Some days, I no longer even miss my old life. Don't think of it much. Other days, I feel the logistical difficulties of being alone very acutely. Sometimes I despair that my romantic potential will never be fulfilled. I was his partner and wife for ten years. It seems like a waste to be no one else's partner or wife for the rest of my life. Other times I am so happy with the loving family that we are, it seems that it's all I need.

 

It's a roller coaster, but I have learned over the years that after each moment of crisis, there's a moment of calm.

 

And I am now here, because this community still rocks.

[Guaruj]

Hello.  My name is Mark.  I was on YWBB during its last 2 or 3 months.  I'm very glad that we had some members who acted quickly to find us a new home.  Obviously, I did not act so quickly in signing up. 

 

My wife's name was Catherine.  She died from complications caused by 8 years of treatment for sarcoma, which is a rare cancer.  I am thinking of her a great deal today, as it is our 10th anniversary.  We were married on April 23, 2005.  I'll post more about this later.

 

I really appreciate being able to login within an hour of registering.  The only problem I ever had with YWBB was that it took one week to activate my account.  Others had to wait even longer.

 

It's time for me to get dinner.  This is the first anniversary for me to dine alone.

 

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[Lisa]

Best wishes on your anniversary.  Welcome

[biscuit]

I was never a member of YWBB but i'll introduce myself here.

I met my husband when I was 17 and we were instant best friends 2 weeks later.  2 years later we couldn't deny our feelings any longer and began to date. And 3 years after that we were married.

We only got to be married 2 years, but life with my husband was so jam-packed with rich experiences that it feels like so much longer. Still, what I wouldn't give for just one more second...

 

My husband died suddenly due to complications with pneumonia January 31,2015.  And when I say suddenly, I mean one minute he's in the hospital checked in overnight so he can receive external oxygen and I am about to leave, and 20 minutes later he is dead.  All I have to say is no one should have to witness their spouse die, it is got to be the world's top traumatizing experience.

 

I am still pretty fresh in my grief as I write this (~3 months), but it feels like its been 10 years since I last had that life I once had with my husband.  My life is so different now I barely recognize myself.  This grief process is all so strange and uncontrollable.  Honestly, most days I have no desire to live (not suicidal) and then other times I find myself exploring new life adventures.  What the heck grief? Regardless, the pain is 24/7

[Jess]

Welcome Biscuit. I am so sorry for your loss, but so glad you found us. I can relate to the suddenness. I kissed my husband goodnight and about ten minutes later he was having a seizure and dying in our living room. You are right, no one should have to witness that.

 

I hope you can find comfort in our community here. Read and share as often as you like. People understand here.

[kjs1989]

Hi, I am KJS1989. I don't post as often as I did on the old board, but I read everything, and I am  often awestruck by by the insightful and beautiful posts people write. There are so many great writers and thinkers on this board who express their thoughts in ways that strike such an accord with me that I read them over and over again.

 

Another widow in my area reached out to me shortly after D's death in October of 2012 and told me about this board. I am so glad she did. I had no idea where to turn, but relating to others going through this hell has helped immensely.

 

My husband D was 50 years old. He was one of those guys who seemed to have an "orbit" around him, and everyone wanted to be in that orbit with him. He was a successful small business owner and much loved boss to 100 employees who thought the world of him. He was a "best friend" to the many guys he worked with, golfed with, fished with, hunted with, and volunteered with. He was a wonderful son and brother. He was absolutely my best friend and the love of my life for almost 30 years. And most importantly, he was without a doubt the best and most loving father to our three teenagers.

 

In the early morning hours of October 20th, 2012, D left to go duck hunting on opening day with six buddies. I rolled over in bed to see him opening a package of new wool socks at 5:00a.m. I fell back to sleep and woke about eight or so. I did my usual morning routine, had coffee and went to pick up my 15 year old daughter from a sleepover at around 10:15. She asked me if Dad was home. I said, no, that he was duck hunting.

 

I drove the few blocks home, and then went to my room to take a shower. At 10:50 or so my daughter knocked at my bedroom door. She told me two men were at the door asking for me. Since it was close to election time, I assumed that were stumping for a political candidate, so I told her to tell them her mom was busy, She said, "They have badges."

 

I threw some clothes on, left my hair wet and went to the door. There were two somber men with badges standing there. One explained they were from the county ( never said the words "coroner's office") and asked to come in and talk to me. I asked for ID. My only bizarre thought was that D had been arrested. I still hesitated about letting them come in. I just couldn't get my brain around who they might be, or why they were there. They asked again to come in. I led them to the living room where my daughter was watchfully sitting in the corner of the sofa. I stood looking at them. The man doing all the speaking kneeled on the floor  before me and  began telling me about an accident in which the boat my husband was riding in on the Mississippi River hit a channel marker in the darkness and fog killing two of the six men. He never outwardly told me D had been killed or was dead. I said...."are you telling me... he is dead??" He said, "I am sorry."

 

In that moment my world crashed. I looked at my daughter on the sofa and she started to sob. The officer asked me if I needed to make some calls. I calmly said, "Yes."  I grabbed my cell and began making calls. And nobody, nobody would answer their cells. Frantically, I hit redial again and again until finally reaching his brother, then my sister, then my best friend. and most horrifically my sons away at college. Word traveled quickly and within 30 minutes the house was full of people.

 

So, here I am 2 1/2 years later, simply picking up the pieces of what was a pretty much charmed life prior to October 20th, 2012. At times, I am so still utterly confounded beyond belief how this could possibly have happened to my and my kids' lives. My husband died doing something "safe." For all intents and purposes what he was doing that morning should have been safe. He was with guys who were experienced duck hunters and boaters. They knew the river. They had been out there 100's of times before. I feel like complacency and assumptions killed D. It still makes me so very angry at times. He was sort of that kind  of guy in life, and at times it made me crazy. Always assuming things would just work out, at times patronizing and  brushing aside about my concerns about safety and caution whether it be his multitasking and distracted driving, working on the roof of the house, his adrenalin and testosterone fueled play activities (dirt biking, ATVing. snowmobiling ) or any of the other numerous work and recreational pursuits his type A personality led him to toward. But, that was him and I loved him beyond measure.

 

Whether we have lost our loves suddenly through illness, suicide, accident, or agonizingly slowIy, I am so grateful to all of you on this board for sharing your path. Thank you.

 

 

 

 

[Guaruj]

Wow, @biscuit, I'm really sorry to hear this happened to you and your husband:

All I have to say is no one should have to witness their spouse die, it is got to be the world's top traumatizing experience.

You are wise beyond your years.

 

Your husband was only 24 and he was already married to you for two years. You both deserved better.

 

I can't count the number of foolish things I did at age 24, and that was well over 24 years ago.

 

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[Virgo]

My name is Jen, Virgo at YWBB. My husband was diagnosed with ALL (acute lymphoblastic leukemia) on October 11, 2013 and died February 4, 2014. He died just one week after his 38th birthday. Official COD was cancer/chemo/ischemic bowel. ALL is typically the type of leukemia children get. Oncologists don't stage leukemia, but we were told because of his health and age he had a 40-70% survival rate. Phil was never sick. Healthy, strong, fit guy. He was a K9 officer and happened to have 90 sick days built up when he was diagnosed. It's rare for officers to have even a week of sick days built up.

 

We met when we were 16. Our first date was June 22, 1992. High school sweethearts, but went to rival schools. We got engaged when we were 17, graduated high school, and married when we were 19 on October 22, 1994. We celebrated our 19th (and last) wedding anniversary at the cancer center during his first round of chemo, October 22, 2013.

 

Our daughters were 14, 12, and 6 when he died. I just don't have the words to describe how much my daughters and I miss him.

[kwalsh360]

Hello,

 

On the morning of 5/9/2015, my fiance suddenly passed way. He was 31 years old, and I am 33.

We are still waiting for the full autopsy/toxicology reports to come back to find out what happened since they were unable to find anything with the initial autopsy.

 

We were together for over 7 years and set to get married in just 5 months on 10/2/15. I am seeing a therapist and trying to talk about things. She suggested I find a support group and write down how I am feeling. While I sit here with thoughts running through my head, I'm finding it so hard to put it all together. I can barely hold a thought for longer than 2 mins and find myself in my own head obsessing over what happened and why. I'm hoping it will get easier for me to write how I am feeling and learn how to deal with this shock. Maybe I'll give this another try tomorrow after I get some rest.

[widowat33]

Hi kwalsh360. I'm so sorry you have reason to join us here, but glad that you found this place. I was also 33 years old when my husband passed away last year. I have a journal, but write him letters in it and not very often. This is a good place to write how you are feeling, even though our experiences are all different we understand.

Take care of yourself and rest when you can!

[swilson]

I'm sorry for your pain kwalsh360, it's like nothing most of us have ever felt before. Keep reaching out, telling your story and remember to take care of yourself. This forum has been a beacon of light in my cloudy journey.

[Charlie]

Diagnosed Stage 4 Breast Cancer at age 42, died 4/2013, survived by 14yo daughter

 

We lived a contented life together for 19 years. The impermanence of the human body was clearly demonstrated by a wide spread cancer. The acceptance, abiding, of this fact was/is an ongoing and transcendent process bringing me to a place of humility, where I recognized the limits of my own humanity. Now, this process repeats in big and small cycles, endlessly. When I resist it, it is painful, when I accept it, the process is blissful - I don't always have control over this, but when I do, I feel in synch with her. I've read much of what you have so far written here, and I already feel well supported by this community.

 

TL;DR:

 

Contentment: Meeting in your late teens, being with someone for 23 and a half years, spending much of the time working and living at home with them, recreating as climbing/tandeming/flying/backpacking/parental partners... in short being soul mates, feeling like twins that can read each others minds... this creates a uniquely "shared" life experience. It is hard to separate your self from the other. Although, it made it so I didn't have to wonder what she thought or needed, leaving little room for regret or guilt.

 

Impermanence: After discovering a lump in her breast at age 42, my wife was diagnosed in December of 2009 with stage IV breast cancer, our daughter was nine at the time. Given only six months to live, the next three and a half years of treatments were similar to the previous two decades of our marriage: full of life, tears, love, grief, laughter, and many challenges. The end was her choice, she comforted family and friends until she could no longer maintain consciousness. Five days later, her lungs stopped and then her heart stopped. I hope I can pass as peacefully, surrounded by love, on my own terms. That was April 13, 2014.

 

Abiding: Ten days of profound pain and crying later, on Easter, I had a psychotic break. No one was hurt, but I did not know who I was, my mind's limit switch had triggered, I no longer was able to be aware of any responsibilities/consequences. It only lasted a few hours, and I was arrested. This was a major wakeup call for me, showing me that while I was able to function in life, the effect of the event of her passing was way beyond my control and awareness. I needed help. Being overly thorough, I worked with two psychologists, and three counselors (all five at the same time). I compared notes across my sessions with all of them, also sharing what the others had said as well. The processes was very intense, and I followed their advice the best I could, but, sometimes I could do nothing but cry or stare at the wall/ceiling.

 

Transcendance: Since that time, I've had many stages that I have passed through, never knowing which one was next. But, each stage felt necessary to me, and I learned something. Sometimes the lesson was a beautiful one, sometimes freeing, other times difficult realizations of more that I needed to let go of, and some lessons that I haven't understood quite yet. I am profoundly amazed at the unbelievable depth and character of the emotional pain, I never knew humans could hurt so badly, and it makes me feel like I should hug everyone I see.

 

Humility: If my attitude seems cavalier, I can assure you that I too have been hit by the endless waves of pain that seem unbearable and unpredictable. I too have felt the moments of shear horror and my mind in those moments seems completely unable to accept the reality of my life. But, I also have felt profound appreciation, true appreciation for a life that I would not change any decision, even if I could go back and do so. And, profound appreciation for the ability to remain in this beautiful world, a world that my wife did not get to see and appreciate.

 

Community: I have met the kindred spirits in a piecemeal fashion, some online, most in the real world. The five therapists I used gave me a pretty good framework for understanding what cannot be understood, the need to not understand it, to trust it and follow it (whatever it is). This is true for grieving a loved one's death, and it turns out this is also true for living ones own life, a life that pre-grieves our own death. I have read much of this site, and many, if not all of you seem to be in this same active process of trying to deal with the amplified existence that we have been dealt. I cannot do this alone, I recognize that I need you and I need this community as the next step in my personal grieving process. I have already benefitted from the generosity you demonstrate by opening up and sharing your experience. You have given me more than a little encouragement to move along my path. I hope I can show you my appreciation.

[Wheelerswife]

Charlie, welcome to the board.  I hope you continue to find that you can post here and become a part of this family.  I find that widow connections are a big part of my support system.  I can't do it alone either.  It was friends from this board (and a previous board) that were with me the day that my second husband died.  It was so comforting to be amongst friends who understood.  If it is your inclination, find a gathering near where you live  (or travel to one!) and make some friends in person, too.

 

Maureen