introduce yourself here

[kookoo32]

I'm Laura. In 2 weeks it will be 6 months since my partner of 10 years Graham was killed in an accident at work. I didn't post much on the ywbb but reading a lot of posts on there helped me a great deal.

[Flohog]

I was Flohog on YWBB.  My husband was killed on 08-10-12 (at age 42) when we were involved in a one vehicle motorcycle accident.  He died on scene, and I spent one night in the hospital with a  broken elbow.  It's hard to believe it's been 2 years, 7 months ago.  He was my high school sweetheart, the love of my life, but we didn't refind each other until a few years before he passed.  We were married just under 4 years...and have 5 kids between the 2 of us.  I still see my step kids on a regular basis...luckily I get along with his ex because I couldn't imagine losing them too.

 

After 2 years and 7 months, I ever imagine I would be where I am today.  I have found love again...working on 1 year together and added a few more kids to the mix.  Life is so unpredictable and so crazy, but loving it.

 

Patty

[theheneghans]

Same name as on YWBB. I'm Kristina, I'm 30. I was 29 years old and 6 months pregnant when I lost my husband, Brett, in June of last year. I found his body when I returned from work. He was 29. We'd been together only a little over a year and married only 37 days. We had a whirlwind romance that began at our high school reunion in April 2013. I had our son, Q, in September, and in October, we finally found out cause of death (Long QT). I'm going on 9 months without him and honestly everyday is easier, but I still have moments where I miss him so much I can't breathe.

 

So glad to have found this place! YWBB helped me so much for so long, and now it's harder to post and read with an almost 6 month old, but just so so happy that this place exists.

[DansSoulmate]

Hi, my name is Michelle and while I have read and learned so much from the YWBB over the past several months I never posted until now as I'm in a better place to do so.  On 9/27/2014 I lost my husband of 30 years to a catastrophic and immediate heart attack here at home with absolutely no forewarning or symptoms.  From the second he told me he thought he was having a heart attack until he was gone at the hospital was a little over an hour.  We were high school sweethearts and had raised two daughters, both now married, so this was to finally be the time for lots of travelling and enjoying our freedom.  It's still unbelievable to me that he is gone.

[Laura1017]

Hi Everyone,

 

I'm Laura. I was MattsLaura on ywbb.  I never posted that much.  When I first found the board, I wasn't capable of forming many coherent thoughts, then my crazy in-laws found ywbb and the threats ensued.  While I didn't feel comfortable posting after that, I never stopped reading.  I read everyday until that horrid announcement that the board was no more.

 

I lost Matt to a car accident on 11/3/10.  I was 28 and he was barely 31.  It rocked my world, as you all experienced, and it probably took me a year before I could breathe normally again.  All of you taught me so much about life, death, and grief, and gave me the reassurance that it was OK to stumble through this journey.  It took a long time for life to feel worth living again for me and I still have plenty of days where it doesn't seem worth it.  I am finally able to smile and laugh about our life together more than I cry about the loss of everything and that is a huge accomplishment.  I moved across the country almost 2 years ago and started a new life, that now includes a new relationship.

 

All of you here are the reason I kept going.  I found myself genuinely caring about each of you and rooting for you from afar.  With every name I recognized that popped up on this new board, I shed tears of joy.  You gave me life when I didn't want it and I've only thanked a few of you for that.  So, thank you.  Thank every single one of you for sharing your stories and caring about everyone that is forced into a life that leaves us searching for this place.  And of course, THANK YOU from the mountain tops to everyone who got this new place up and running so quickly.  I am forever indebted to all of you and I don't know a greater group of people to whom I should owe that debt.  Maybe now that my in-laws don't even remember the sadiversary, let alone speak of my husband, I'll post more and try to repay that debt to others who need encouragement.  Giant wid hugs to all!  I really love you guys.

[MrsT85]

Hello all, I'm Rebecca.  I was 27 when I lost my Tim in a car accident almost two years ago.  He was 36 and was just three weeks away from finally completing his teaching degree when (we think) he dozed off behind the wheel.  He was in the home stretch of his semester of student teaching and the workload was so intense that he wasn't sleeping more than a couple hours a night.  He also had a Friday night DJing job he had been at and enjoyed for years, one that I accompanied him to the vast majority of the time.  Well, the night he died I had made plans to see a live comedy event with another friend and decided to "take the week off" from karaoke with him so I could go.  I've never in my life regretted a decision more.  Had I been with him that night, I could have either talked to him and prevented him from falling asleep or I died along beside him when that car full of sound equipment hit that tree.  He texted me around 3am, just minutes before he died to let me know he was going to stop for some fast food and to ask if I wanted some.  I tried calling and texting back for almost two hours, getting more and more panicky as everything went straight to voicemail.  By the time I heard the doorbell ring around 5am and saw the unfamiliar car parked outside, I had figured out what had happened.  And sure enough, when I answered it was two police officers there to tell me the love of my life was gone.  The last text I sent him that I knew he got was to tell him "please be safe."  He replied "will do" and then was gone minutes later.  We had been together since November 2004, when I was just 19 and he was 27.  We were married on May 30th, 2009.  I still find it a little eerie at times (and I have no idea why) that the time we got together - 8.5 years all told - is almost exactly the same as our age difference.

 

I moved out of our apartment immediately.  I spent about a year back in my parents' basement, then another year or so in my BIL and his wife's basement.  Over the next couple weeks, I'll finally be moving back to a place of my own.  Well, not really "my own" - I'll be moving in with my wonderful new fiance, who surprised the bejeezus out of me by giving me his grandmother's engagement ring on Christmas morning and asking me to marry him.  ;D

 

 

This has been one hell of a journey so far.  I'm well on my way to building a good new life again, but things are still hard and I still miss him terribly.  I suspect I always will, and he certainly deserves no less.  I still cry most days, even if it's just a single tear when I hear a particular song or revisit a particular memory.  But time moves forward, and even though I still sometimes occasionally feel like giving up, I know I have to move forward too.  And I don't know how I would have made it this far without this wonderful community. 

 

 

 

[Nuggets]

Woo Hoo --- some one left the door open a crack and here I am!!!! 

 

I am a WidowNet and YWBB old timer -- John, the love of my life, soul mate, star catcher and trailer-backer-upper died of Pancreatic Cancer on 21 July 2002. 

 

We had observed our 23 anniversary on 6 July 2002, our son was 11 and our daughter was 20 ... our spoiled rotten Shih Tzu was 9.

 

We have come a long way since:

 

- dawg died of catastrophic kidney failure in 2006 and the ashes and leash are buried under the sods on John's grave in Calgary

- son just graduated Faculty of Engineering at University of Victoria, and was immediately employed by a company that I used to work for (amazing how the management and colleagues at the BigBadOil company that John worked for just faded from view -- I feel ZERO guilt taking their Survivor Benefits until I die)

- daughter embarked on a second career in Marketing and Business Development after 10 years in a clusterfuck called Brinks... the only thing you really need to know about working there is:  You will go NOWHERE unless you have a penis.  She didn't have a penis, so bailed -- now looking for work after finishing the 2 year diploma program.

- I am in Central America -- I like it so damn much I may just move down here.

- I am not recoupled - I have been in 2 relationships in 12+ years, both were awesome guys -- neither wanted to share a future with me... and that's OK.  In some quarters it's a given that it's far better to be alone and lonely than alone and with someone.  I am rarely lonely.

 

I keep active on these sites because they were so instrumental in my healing, and I shudder to think what path I may have taken if I did not have a community that understood what I was going through.  I come back again and again to pay it forward, but find that even when I think I am giving, I am still receiving.  I have met many members in person - and believe that my life is better for my experiences both in this electronic arena and in real life.

 

Hang in there -- 'it" will NOT get better, "it" will not get worse --- but 'it" will get different.

 

[MrsDan]

I am MrsDan. I wrote this on YWBB 10/13/2012.

"It was two weeks ago today that my husband died from liver failure. We're both 35. We met when we were 21 and were married 5 years. Our daughter turned three months old yesterday."

 

Lots of people here know a lot more of the story. Apologies to newer folks, but I just can't repeat the whole story right now. Well, maybe not ever, since I doubt I'll ever know the whole story, but you know what I mean. Thanks Jess for setting up this site!

[ATJ]

 

When I found out that the YWBB site had been abruptly shut down, I felt a distinct blow! Most of my grief journey had been documented there, and the community had been an emotional home for me for a long time and held fond memories of my 'veteran' fellow travelers.

 

I was an early active participant at YWBB (under a different user name), which had become a lifeline and safe harbor for me at the absolute nadir of my life. Being childless and not having any other family, the widow community became my 'virtual family' and sustained me through many rough and harrowing stretches on this dark and perilous road. During that period of my life total strangers, although invisible and inaudible to me, brought me great comfort when I felt like drowning, simply through their virtual presence and reading about their own pain and battle for survival. While each of our stories were unique and our circumstances, backgrounds and personalities diverse, we all felt lost and were looking for answers. Writing many posts and replying to others became an analgesic for me and a therapeutic tool which helped me to hold on. As Shakespeare wisely wrote:

 

"Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak

Whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break."

 

~~ William Shakespeare, Macbeth

 

Over time, and probably through natural progression, my former close travel companions vanished. Some gradually faded into the distance, others took a more abrupt departure. Each time it felt like a personal loss for me. - Perhaps similar to a natural disaster situation, the people affected by the cataclysmic event come to initially rely on and cling to each other and forge a bond, all having the same goal - mutual Survival! Some of us were also 'Survivors of Suicide', which drew us even closer, in order to not go insane. I was both a cancer caregiver and an SOS and felt completely shattered. YWBB was my sole refuge, there was no other in real life.

 

Over time though, some of the initial travelers' gait stabilized faster than others', and they began to explore their own escape route into unknown territory. Meanwhile, many continued to still huddle together for strength and support and followed a common trail for a while longer. But eventually everybody comes to realize that they cannot reside in their created 'safety cocoon' forever, but must take up and follow their own course. Often by default, Life takes them into different directions, and they have to learn to stand on their own feet. But even as they move forward on their journey, it feels comforting to many knowing that their former 'team mates' are still within reach for moral support. For others it feels better to not look back and recall painful memories, and instead to concentrate on the road ahead of them. ALL are looking for personal restoration and building something new, and each of us has to follow his or her own drummer.

 

"Happiness, that grand mistress of the ceremonies in the dance of life,

impels us through all its mazes and meanderings,

but leads none of us by the same route."

 

-- Charles Caleb Colton

 

Unfortunately, I was one whose progress was slow, and most of my former companions far outdistanced me. Eventually it began to feel quite lonely in my familiar safety cocoon, and so I finally decided to wander off on my own. Yet, I still kept reading many times, but no longer continued writing. It seemed that my glacial pace in advancing would only discourage newcomers and that I had nothing of value to offer anymore. Therefore I adhered to the following sage advice:

 

"Speak only if it improves upon the silence."

 

~~ Mahatma Gandhi

 

However, following the recent abrupt change of events, I was surprisingly quite jolted, and it felt like my metaphorical home had been destroyed. - I deliberated at great length whether or not to re-join to show at least some solidarity. Like @fleur in her BAG post, I had been quite ambivalent for numerous reasons. But then seeing more and more familiar names from a long time ago became the irresistible 'Siren call' for me.

 

It has been said that "You can't go home again" - and therefore only time will tell if my decision has been wise. Can I contribute anything positive when I still don't have all the answers even after many years? One thing I have learned on this bumpy road is that life is a perpetual apprenticeship. One never gets the final diploma. Each stage of widowhood carries its own challenges and raises new questions. What I have experienced on this journey is that there is steadily shifting ground, nothing remains constant.  It reminded me of another quote:

 

"Just when I think I have learned the way to live, life changes."

 

~~ Hugh Prather

 

And while this is true of life in general, widowhood seems to amplify it. The journey becomes an endurance test as it keeps changing its facets like the colors in a kaleidoscope, and one has to continually find new answers and keep jumping new hurdles. And sometimes life compels us to retrace old ground which feels like defeat. This road is not a short sprint but a marathon in my own experience!

 

"It isn't for the moment we are struck that we need courage,

but for the long uphill battle to faith, sanity, and security."

 

~~ Anne Morrow Lindbergh

 

Therefore it is comforting to know that former fellow travelers of this journey are still there, even if not as visible and vocal as they once were.

 

I wish to express my sincere gratitude to the founders of this new site, who have my highest respect and admiration for taking the reins in the midst of total chaos, despite their own personal struggle, and deciding to help so many others in dire need, especially newcomers. This shows true grace under pressure! Someone said that character is not built during adversity, but adversity reveals it. In this instance it has revealed positive leadership, great generosity of spirit, deep compassion and caring for others in the midst of great personal turmoil. It reflects humanity at its very best. Thank you @wadmin - @Jess and @Justin - for your enormous effort, dedication, hard work and great skill to help others who are hurting like you. Additional thanks to those who act in other supporting capacities to get this new place off the ground and keep it running smoothly.

 

"We cannot hold a torch to light another's path

without brightening our own."

 

~~ Ben Sweetland

 

May you derive comfort and healing through all you have done, and may your own path become bright and filled with hope and rejuvenation.

 

ATJ 

 

[Frederick]

I was going to repost my introduction from YWBB, but then I decided to make a fresh introduction here including my experiences since then.

 

My husband passed away from glioblastoma in August 2013. His diagnosis was a year before that. His last year could be divided pretty evenly into thirds: the first was full of hope and optimism, and our wedding, the second was reality setting in, and the last was, well, anyone who's lost a partner to terminal illness will understand why I won't go into detail.

 

Soon after I found YWBB, and it helped me immensely. I didn't post so much, but just reading other experiences helped so much. I discovered that old friends distancing themselves was quite normal, grief causes all sorts of physical and emotional symptoms, and many other things. Reading responses from members weeks, months, and a year or more out was helpful. I know some "veteran" members don't like to post potentially discouraging things for fear of scaring new members. But, you know what? I was impressed by the fact that they were still around, still pulling through, and at a time when I felt I didn't have any future anymore, it was encouraging.

[canadiangirl]

Hi, I'm canadiangirl. I also came here from the YWBB site.  My husband died in 2013 after a cancer battle of four-and-a-half years.  In a period of 15 months we were married, had a baby, got a new house, I got a new job, and he got a cancer diagnosis.  Many nights I would do what many new moms do and check to see if my baby was breathing, and then I would go and check if my husband was breathing. 

 

He fought cancer to the very end.  There was no preparation for the end, no expression of his wishes, no videos or letters to our child, none of this because to do these things for him would have meant accepting death or giving up. It was heartbreaking. I am still proud of him. I am still exhausted.

[Guest marian1953]

I started this post thrre times now. I acccidently deleted my account, and now I am back. I am a former ywbb member, Marian1953, formerly pete'smar.

Peter and I were together almost 33 years. He died New Year's Day 2007. I had just had my 53rd birthday. He had been hurt ten months before in a horrendous crippling work accident. We had been sleeping on an air matrress in the living room as he could no longer sleep in the bed- too high for him, so we had slept in the living room for 10 months. I had got on the couch in the night because that thing was so damn uncomfortable. I awoke and knew something was wrong, started cpr and called 911. Sudden cardiac arrest.

Marian

[IfIonlycould]

My first post on YWBB:

It was done October 29th, 2008

 

Unfortunately I'm here

IfIonlycould 

Member

Registered: 10/29/08

 

 

I wish I had never had a reason to be on this site--I wish for all of you the same. I lost the love of my life, my husband, my destiny, in July. We were together almost 12 years and married just a little over 6. I have been reading posts for almost a month.

 

i carry your heart with me i carry it in my heart

_________________________

We must free ourselves of the hope that the sea will ever rest. We must learn to sail in high winds.

Aristotle Onassis

[trying2breathe]

Hi - I was trying2breathe on YWBB, and copied below is what I posted 3 weeks after my husband's death in August of 2013.  Since this post, my daughter and I moved back to the States and my son stayed in Europe to complete his senior year of high school.  For me, the grieving process was delayed as it took a lot to deal with foreign bureaucracy and an international move, feel like the better part of grieving started after the move back last summer. 

 

We were married 20 years, celebrating our anniversary a few months before he passed.  I had no idea that a few months later he would be gone.  I'm grateful for the time that we did have together. 

 

***********

 

DH died suddenly on August 1st - he collapsed while out on a solo bike ride after work. He was found by others but their efforts at resuscitation did not work. DH was an avid bicyclist, loved riding the hills close to our house.

 

My kids and I live in a foreign country, where we do not speak the language. I had 2 police officers at my door that fateful evening, attempting to tell me what happened. This took 1-1/2 hours of their pacing in my front driveway and smoking cigarettes. The only words that I understood were "husband" and "bicycle". I just knew.

 

For the sake of my two kids that are in high school, we are trying to stay in this country and in this house. A move right now would be so very difficult. Although I don't know if it would be any easier not seeing the constant reminders of him, everywhere I look.

 

Grateful for this site.

[MissinGrizz]

I was on YWBB with the same name. I hadn't planned on joining here, but want to put myself out there in case any people with similar experiences need an ear. The board helped me a lot, so I owe it that. And, I do still have pockets of grief, especially watching my son turn into a man looking so much like his dad.

 

I met my Grizz at age 19, married him at 23, had kids with him at 30 and 32, and lost him at 40, two days after our 17th wedding anniversary. He left for work in a snowstorm, I said I love you and be safe, and the next thing I knew the police were at the door, I was screaming, and my life as I knew it was over..

 

I was a die-hard "I won't date until my kids are grown; romance is done for me" person. After all, I was with my husband for 21 years, my entire adult life. I heard the horror stories about what was out there, etc. I had a life full of family and friends and a career I love, so I thought that would be enough.

 

I was asked out by my son's friend's dad at two years, and I freaked out. "How dare someone ask me out. I'm married," I thought. I refused. Over the following summer, I started focusing on me. I took the kids on multiple road trips, I lost 30 pounds, and I started to love life again. In the fall, even my in-laws gave me the "it's time for you to date speech." I went online for a few days, but I hated it. Then, a couple of months later, that same guy from last spring tried again, and I decided to give it a try. I'm so glad I did. This past summer, we married under a maple tree in the backyard of out post and beam house with our three teens in attendance. The blending part is challenging, but it is so worth it, and he understands as I do that my Grizz isn't ejected from my heart. My heart just grew.  I'm now five years out.

 

Those of you who knew me at the beginning know that I preached the NEVER speech again and again. So . . . those of you starting out, please know, there is hope. Even if you don't think it's what you want, that may change.

 

 

 

[donswife]

hi I am new to this group . I had discovered ywbb a month after my husband died but was waiting to get approved so I am so glad I found this post. I was able to read the post and it did give me much comfort. My husband Don died suddenly of a heart attack a week after his 51 birthday. I was with him . as always . We have been together for 27 years ,married 24. He died at the end of october and I still find in hard. I miss him , He was an amazing man and we had a great life so not sure what the next step is

[Katelsam]

Hi, I'm Kate-a cancer widow. My husband and best friend passed away at the ripe old age of 29. I was 27 and pregnant with our third child at that time. My late husband was an amazing, fit, handsome, selfless, incredible man; no family history of cancer and a never-smoker.

 

He developed a dry cough and was misdiagnosed countless times before we received the life-shattering cancer diagnosis. After pushing for a broncoscopy and being told "There's no chance it could be cancer" by the pulmonologist, turned out it wasn't just an incredibly rare/aggressive, never-smoker lung cancer, but also stage IV. Three months after my husband's correct diagnosis he passed away unexpectedly from complications from the chemo; he always told me he'd take the same path a million times over to have the kids and I. He passed holding my hand. He was and continues to be an inspiration to me.

 

I am in a better place, but still struggle with losing such a wonderful man and my kids not being able to know such a wonderful, loving soul. His life was the children and I and the pain of his loss runs to the core. Right now I'm at the point where I'm just grateful for the selfless, beautiful love we shared that many will never have the opportunity to experience. My focus continues to be my kids, career, family, and friends.

 

I have the life I've always dreamt of with the exception of losing my better half. It does get easier with time, but it continues to be an uphill battle. As hard as this journey has been I feel incredibly blessed to have had his love and our beautiful children.

 

 

[Lisa]

I am glad you are here @donswife, everyone else too but especially since you can finally post.

[Joeswife]

Hi I'm Ann, Joeswife at YWBB.  It will be one year as of this Friday that I lost my husband Joe. We had been together 19years and two weeks shy of our 15 year anniversary.  It was late at night and he had a terrible headache.  He fell and couldn't get up and by the time the ambulance arrived (we live far out) he was barely breathing.  He had what they later determined was a AVM ( similar to a stroke or aneurysm).  They didn't think he would respond after the first surgery but he did and was able to move his eyes and his toes.  We were told he would need a long recovery but he would make it.  But he started bleeding again.  Another surgery and he woke again but with less movement.  His brain kept swelling and they felt he needed a third.  That one left him only able to open his eyes and they said he was getting worse.  His brain just kept swelling.    11 days from the first event the decision was made to let him go.  Our children were 8 and 11 at the time.  He was and is the love of my life, my soulmate. 

 

[Guest Lost35]

I'm also from YWBB.  It's over six years since P. died in a work accident.  I was three days pregnant (and didn't know it) with our hoped for child.  He is happy, healthy and five now.  I think the first few years were just shock and survival.  I'm still working through it and miss him every day, but am forever grateful to have found my way to this group. 

 

-L.

[donnak]

ok i cant remember if i already posted or not a combination of old age and widow brain but here goes im donnak on here and also in chat i was dkuziora on ywbb i lost my dear ed to bladder cancer and a bad heart on nov 14th 2010

[MikeR]

Hi All,

 

I am a long time member of YWBB (MikeR there and MikeR here - creativity is not my strong suit  ). Nearly 9 years for me - seems like forever. Glad to see that there continues to be a place for us. Thanks to those who got this going.

 

Mike

[K+F]

Hi, I'm K.  I lost my husband, F to a sudden heart attack 5.5 months ago.  He had been recovering from a ruptured abdominal aortic aneurysm that occurred in January 2011.  The RAA left him a paraplegic, so I was also his caregiver for the last several years.  Although he had been ill, his death was  sudden and unexpected.  We have a beautiful 8 year old little boy.  We are both still reeling, trying to figure out our lives without F.  I'm so happy to finally be able to post, as I've been lurking since right after we lost him, but my registration was never confirmed.  Thank you admin and mods for making this place for us and confirming my registration so quickly!

[myjohnny]

Hey there, I missed you all. I have had a hard time following what was going on. I took my first extened break (of about three weeks) and came back to find everything had changed! Thank you for setting this up girls! I consider this place a part of me and I initially paniced1 I have had too many learning curves lately, every electronic I own has broken in the past five weeks and...

 

My husband John died four years ago February 15th. I found this site out of sheer and utter desperation, it was my life line, it IS what let me know I was not clinically crazy.

 

It has been a really long, really challenging road, but I do not know how I could have survived all the trials and all the things that fell apart because he died without you dear, dear fellow wids.

[maddalena]

Hi, I'm back from florida.

A lot of you know my story, my husband died in July of 2012 of esophageal cancer. He was very young and exuberant and healthy so when cancer got him, it was devastating. We were very much in love, and had been married for almost 35 years when he died.  He taught me and so many other people about love, acceptance, surrender, and honor.

 

Last year I met a new guy, and we have been building a new relationship. I often feel Donald, my husband guiding us.

 

anyway, nice new digs!!!