introduce yourself here

[Forgottenwife]

Well here I am again, on the widow board. I was on YWBB as Lostwife2011, I chose the name in a fog and had tried to get it changed.

 

My funny, attractive and successful husband died of suicide fueled by drug addiction in May 2011. We had been married for 22 years.I stayed in bed for weeks and existed in kind of a shock and fog. I wanted to die. It took a long time to find myself. Now I am like the walking wounded. Functioning well but it feels like I have a really big scar. I am grateful for my amazing friends, my parents and family and the mental health experts I sought support from. And why am I back here now? Seems that even though I feel joy and hope again, there is a kinship with people that have walked in my shoes.

 

Hi everyone. I am so sorry for the losses that brought us all here and so grateful that we have this place. 

 

 

[Lisa]

Glad to see you with us

[JmLeo8109]

Hi, I'm Jamie. I found YWBB shortly after my husband died on May 25th, 2009. He was 27 and I was 26. I didn't post much (maybe just two or three times) but I read every day for the first year and sporadically in the years after. It was such a blessing to read others' thoughts and feelings that I felt myself but couldn't put words to. I can't begin to explain how much of an impact that had on me during those first few years.

 

I met my husband my freshman year of high school, I was 14 and he was 16. We were just kids who felt an instant pull to each other. My heart would skip a beat any time I heard his name or saw him walking in the hall. Long story short, we were off and on due to his family moving, being stubborn kids/teenagers, and then his eventual drug problems. During the last few years of his life he was almost like Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde to me....sober and not. We were together 12 years, married just under 1 and have two children. My husband had been out of town working and was attempting to get his life back on track. He had just gotten back to our home town when he drove to a restaurant. A group of teens were pulling out the same time he was pulling in. According to the prosecutors their cars were very close to each other, words were exchanged. My husband pulled in to the restaurant not thinking the teens would back up their car, get out and start fighting with him. Within minutes, one of the teenagers shot him and he died instantly. Our children were 5 and 7 weeks old at the time.

 

I have just recently passed the 6 year anniversary. While I am in a much better place emotionally, this time of year still comes with waves of sadness and complicated emotions.  I am grateful to the people who started this board. I've found it very helpful these last few weeks.

[Hallei]

I'm Hallei. I was a member of the previous board so many of you belonged to. I didn't post much, but read often, especially in my early days.

 

My husband passed unexpectedly 7 years ago from adrenal cancer that was hiding inside him. 27 hours from fun to done.

 

Today I sold what should have been our retirement farm. We had big plans and dreams and he passed 6 months before we were to move in.

 

Thanks for giving me another place to feel safe. Another place to not feel alone. Today I need it as I feel like I just erased another part of our life together.

[Laurel]

My name is Laurel. My DH, Nick, died in June of 2005 from SUDEP - Sudden Unexpected Death in Epilepsy. I was a member of YWBB, but it had been quite a while since I posted anything. I only found out the board shut down because I was double checking the link so I could pass it on to a new widow. I'm glad I found this new board to pass on to her instead. I'm now remarried to a widower (Kurt) I met at a YWBB Bago and we have two beautiful kids who are now 6 & 4.

[Guest Bear1956]

My name is Barney (aka Bear). I lost my wife of almost twenty five years in September 2005 when the cancer that nearly killed her in 1997 came back as an inoperable tumor in her liver. She was just 47 years old and our kids were 20, 17, and 12. I discover YWBB in September 2006 but rarely posted until 2009.

[Alexsander]

It's my first message in the new forum. The 2 years mark is coming (July 23rd) and I wanted to log back in YWBB to talk... then I've found it was gone. I hope this one can help the newly widowed as well as YWBB helped me.

 

I'm engaged now; my fianc?e is a second mother to my baby daughter. She is 2 and still does not ask for her biological mother. She will eventually wonder how does she got 3 grandmothers... I still have boxes of DW's stuff I want her to have. Also, I finally managed to give DW's ashes to her mother, it was a catharsis moment.

 

[Quixote]

Hi, I'd prefer to remain somewhat anonymous for now.  I used to read the old YWBB after my wife passed away in 2011 from cancer.  20 odd years of marriage, tried our damndest to be around each other as much as possible.  I dunno, our bond might have had something to do with her having cancer four times starting from age 19, last one at age 45.  That one got her.  A few other illnesses like rheumatoid arthritis, av node block requiring a pacemaker, seizures.  Hell, she never was healthy but still treked around the world with me and had a successful career as a musician.  She was driven, maybe by the knowledge that she wouldn't have a full lifespan.

 

She was my hero, creative inspiration, my co-conspirator, but above all, she was my best friend.  Never figured out what she saw in me, but I was okay with that. 

 

It's been four years now, and I still miss her every bloody second.  I've learned to live, in the sense that I've learned not to be self destructive (let's just say things were touch and go for a couple of years).  I've a host of terrific friends who I can lean on and confide in.  I've tried to stay active with work and hobbies-- I spend a lot of time outside with my horses.  All in all, friends tell me I'm doing great.  I even get the word "strong" thrown at me by those who knew us both.

 

It's not really true.  Like I said, I've moved past self-destruction, but life just doesn't have the same worth it used to.  Still get those nightmares, although not every night, thank God. Woke up screaming her name last night (scaring the heck out of my landlady who upstairs from me).  Definitely have the "is this what my life is going to be?" feeling these days.

 

Don't think there's any answers, other than keep plugging along.  But maybe having a place to talk might help.  So, hi all

 

 

[Ursula]

Hi Quixote, Hallei, Jamie -  I believe and hope that on this board there will always someone who will reply ,have an idea towards and answer or just let you know that they are here reading. You are not alone. We know what you feel, maybe not the same, but the missing the person we love and the daily pain, the agonies that attack from out of nowwhere, it is all here too.

We hear you. I wen to my first bago this weekend and it was an amazing community. We had a great time. It felt really just ok.

Keep coming here, it is a safe place - take care

[conflicted]

I have posted but have not yet introduced myself.  I'm conflicted because I feel conflicted between my grief while still being in love with my DH and my new feelings of love for New Guy; conflicted with moving on and feeling guilty for still laughing, breathing and living without DH.

 

My DH died a month before his 35th birthday. He was a severely sick for a week, throwing up constantly. I had just taken him on a vacation so he didn't have any days off left from work (he was a mechanic, so manual labor). One day he fell and hit his head on the wooden dining room table, then again on the wooden floor.  He didn't tell me until the day after it happened. I told him to go to the hospital or doctor, but he insisted that he was fine. (I will never forgive myself for not persisting about going to the hospital)  2 days later, I came home from work and found him face down, slumped over on the bedroom floor. I thought he had passed out so I called his name and tried to shake him awake. Then I rolled him over onto his back and that's when I saw the most horrifying sight of my entire life that still haunts me a hundred times each day.  I can still hear myself screaming (my neighbor in the next building over heard my screams). 911 made me do chest compressions on him even though it was OBVIOUS he was already gone  :'(  When the cops came, they wouldn't let me back in the bedroom to see him, so that was the last time I saw him besides in his casket with a ton of makeup on..... I had to keep my composure to talk to the medical examiner as I watched the coroner's van drive away with DH in it.  :'(  Autopsy came back inconclusive but it had to have been from a head injury, as his toxicology report came back clean and he was otherwise healthy, active and lean.  It sucks not knowing for sure what actually killed him, but I hope he passed out before he actually went. I regret not being there for him.  We used to meet up at home for lunch every day because we both worked so close. The one fucking day I had a work lunch meeting is the day he died during lunch. I got my last text message from him around 12:30.  His phone showed the last message he sent (to his best friend) around 1:00pm.  I didn't get home until 5:00pm that day.

 

I had to make that dreadful phone call to his mother.  Then to his work. Then his friends.  I was back at work after only a week and a half.  I don't know how, but I found the strength to somehow focus on my work.  I needed that distraction so I put in a lot of long hours.  I've found that I'm emotionally stronger than I had ever imagined.  I keep my composure every day and held it together for his family - especially for his mother who is already frail and in her 70's. He was her baby.

 

I miss my DH every minute of every day.  Sometimes it feels like he is still here because he is so alive in my memories.  I will forever love him and even 10 1/2 months out, I am still in denial.  Suppression and avoidance is my coping mechanism.

 

I am thankful for this forum because I've tried therapy and find that face-to-face sessions make things worse. Even if no one reads my posts, it is helpful to get this all out through writing.  Thank God for family, friends, and pets.  And thank God for Klonopin and wine.

 

 

 

[Catherine]

Hi all,

 

Just found this site after reading the One Fit Widow blog.  I haven't really found anywhere before where young widows can talk and it works for me, so giving this a go

 

I lost my husband Phil suddenly in October 2013.  He committed suicide but there was no prior warning of him being depressed or anything, he died just shy of a month since our 3rd wedding anniversary, we had been together since 2004.

 

As I am getting to year 2, I feel like I have closed the chapter on dealing with the fact Phil has gone.....but I feel I am the old me stuck in this new life, and I'm stuck.  I don't know what I want or where I want to be.

 

You mostly seem to be in the UK but also hoping there are some UK people on here, would love to talk to you 

[Guest TooSoon]

Welcome, Catherine.  I am truly sorry for your loss and as others will say, this is a safe and comforting place to find support and empathy and the friendship of others in the same boat.  And there are lots of UK widows and widowers here (and others from around the world) who I am sure will see your post and touch base.  In fact, I will alert one of them to your post right now.  Warmest wishes. 

[DavidsKtBeth]

Hello,

 

I'm going to do this a little different.  It's just easier this way for me...

 

My Name: Katie

Soulmates Name: David

Together: 6.5 years

Met: In college when we were 19

Married: 26 days

Died: Unexpectedly on June 24th from a pulmonary embolism

 

The last 10 months of my life have been a roller coaster. 

 

November: I found out my husband (boyfriend at the time) was getting promoted and we were moving 5 hours away to Indianapolis.  Days later my grandparents died just over 24 hours apart (after about 75 years of marriage). 

 

December: My younger sister gets engaged & I get mad/jealous because Dave and I had been together longer, and we are older

 

January: We move to our  new home in Indy.  Dave proposed right when we walked into the house (which he had planned since the moment he found out about the promotion).

 

May 29th: We decide to run off to the courthouse and get married -- We didn't need witnesses.. it was Me and Dave. It was perfect

 

June 21st: We decided we wanted to start trying to have kids

 

June 23rd: Dave left for Muncie, Indiana on business (3 hours from home)

 

June 24th: Dave called to let me know he was going to check himself into the hospital (He had been having shortness of breath since the day before, which I chalked up to allergies or seasonal asthma) - He called me again to tell me what hospital he was in and let me know they just did an EKG and it came back normal. - The nurse called me to tell me he was having a CT scan for blood clots in his lungs -  On my drive to the hospital they asked me to pull my car over so the doctor could tell me Dave had passed away after being in the hospital for 3 hours.

 

June 29th: Our 1 month anniversary was also David's funeral

 

July 1st:  I moved back home with my parents after 8 years of being on my own (well, at school/with David).  We live in a 3 bedroom ranch with 4 adults, 4 dogs, and 3 cats.  It's about as fun as it sounds lol

 

 

I hate my life.. ugh..

 

 

 

[Justin]

Welcome Catherine and Katie. As we often say, we are glad that you found us but are so sorry that you have to be here.

 

Thank you both for posting and already contributing to our community. There are a lot of good people here, and I've received so much help from them myself.

[hikermom]

Welcome Catherine and Katie,

 

I'm so sorry you had a reason to find your way here but hope that you can find the community of support that you need.

 

Catherine - I am not an SOS (survivor of suicide) but there is a section devoted to suicide and other circumstances that compound the loss of a spouse. There are some truly tremendous people that monitor that section and have the wisdom of many years. As TooSoon says, there are also many folks from the UK on here.

 

Katie - my husband also died very suddenly of a cardiac event during a gap to gap bicycle ride. Very healthy, fit man just finishing up 75 miles of some very hard biking. Those first few months are a blur - a numbness enveloped me that helped me through those days. It is truly a protective mechanism. Those first months are all about breathing (shallow breathing is very common - at times it felt like hours would pass and I hadn't taken a breath), drinking plenty of water, trying to eat some healthy food to keep up strength. Slowly the haze will start to lift and you will be begin to feel it as reality settles in but that is a slow process. Keep coming here because it truly does get easier with time. For me it got harder before it got easier but that is part of the journey.

 

I'm three years out and yes, there are still really hard days but they are pretty few. You do find your way back to yourself and back to the world - if you are gentle with yourself.

[Jen]

(((((Hugs))))))

 

I'm so sorry you had to look, but glad you found us.

 

Katie, my dh died very suddenly from PE as well-- like lightning out of a clear blue sky. Now I see those stupid commericals with Arnold Palmer and Kevin Nealon for drugs that supposedly treat and prevent things like that, and it's all I can do not to fling something at the TV.

[DavidsKtBeth]

Jen,  the nurse actually told me they were giving him that to break up the clot.. I guess it didn't work.  I think they were just too late..

[Jen]

I am so sorry.   Mine was gone before he got to the ER... they never had time to give him any clotbusters. He had turned 40 just 3 days before. He had some chronic health issues, but his doctor never suggested DVT prophylaxis... he didn't even take a daily aspirin. It just never occurred to me to ask about it.

 

[b5beck1]

Hi, my name is Benjamin.  My wife passed away just over six months ago.  We got engaged in May of 2013; at that point she had already battled cancer once (leukemia) as a 20 year old, going through 23 months of chemo and radiation.  She was 5 years cancer free in the March just before our engagement.  In November of 2013, they discovered a tumor on her sternum which turned out to be a recurrence of the ALL but presenting as a bone mass, which is odd.  So we began cancer treatments immediately, the day after Thanksgiving.  We moved our wedding up from June to February, because there was a break in treatment.  In May of 2014 she had a bone marrow transplant.  I've always said that that was the moment that really broke me- I could deal with the cancer treatment up until there, but the transplant was awful.  Anyway, we moved to the treatment center for that summer, and back to our house in the fall just before school started (I was a teacher at the time, and she taught harp at the local university).  Sometime in January of this year, she developed a common lung infection, but unfortunately with her weakened immune system they were not able to contain it with their most powerful drugs.  She was able to see all of her family and many friends before she passed on Groundhog's Day.

 

So here I am, and I don't even know how to explain where my life is.  My life for two years was defined by being a caregiver, and suddenly that role was gone.  When I returned to work after her death, I had to make a moral decision about leaving the job I had been at for three years, because decisions were being made that I could not ethically agree with.  Around the same time I signed up for a Master's program (which I just completed my second class this summer) and I'm moving about 2 hours away from where I've lived the past 6 years.  I'm going to be a full-time pianist, playing for universities and theaters and wherever else gigs come.  Some days are very clear, but many days I have no idea what way is up and what way is down.  I don't know many places or people to go to that can relate to a 27-year old widower, so that's how I ended up here. 

[canadiangirl]

Welcome Benjamin, Katie, Jamie, Laurel, Catherine, Hallei, Quixote and others who have recently joined. I hope this board serves as a comfort to you.  Being a young widow(er) can be so isolating.  On my crazier days I can usually find someone who gets it here or something that resonates.  Then I don't feel quite as crazy. 

[literatelier]

Hi everyone

 

My name is Peggy and I lost my fiance Chris on August 8th. I just turned 31 last week, and he would have been 30 this week. He fell 40ft from a waterfall while hiking and I'm told he died almost instantly. He was brilliant and so funny. He sometimes would hold me in bed and sing You Are My Sunshine to me. He ate bread/rice/spaghetti and ketchup almost exclusively and yet was 6'5". When we lay in spoons, he was the perfect fit. We were always touching; when home we were always in the same room together, touching in some way whether it was just feet or elbows. He was playful and happy, and his favorite thing to do was make fun of me. We fought a lot, too, mostly about stupid things like chores. But I love him so much. I feel like there's a literal part of me missing, like a phantom limb. My bed is too big. He'll never break my pillows or steal the covers or kiss me again. Maybe I died and this is hell.

[Guaruj]

Hi Peggy -

 

Welcome to these boards. I'm so sorry this happened to Chris.

 

He was playful and happy, and his favorite thing to do was make fun of me. We fought a lot, too, mostly about stupid things like chores. But I love him so much.

 

Anyone who reads your post can tell that you love him - it's very touching.

 

I hope you find it helpful to stick around here.

 

|+|  M a r k  |+|

[Justin]

Peggy, I am so sorry you are here but am glad you found us. I feel that in many ways this community has saved me.

 

I feel like there's a literal part of me missing, like a phantom limb.

 

This is quite an accurate analogy - part of you is missing. It's going to take a while to heal, and it will hurt, but you are going to learn how to live without that limb. You will learn how to function and enjoy life once again and appreciate the beauty in the world.

 

But not right now. Just as a person who has lost a limb, you have to treat yourself gingerly and take care of yourself. There is much healing that has to take place. I'm still healing, but am starting to learn how to get about without my limb. Although the pain is still present, it's starting to lessen as time moves forward. Hang on - this hell won't be able to keep it up forever.

[Fran721]

After nine days of constantly reading this site, I am finally posting. My sweet boyfriend Houston died nine days ago of an unknown liver virus. He had been sick for 6 weeks and the doctors kept telling us he would get better but he only got worse. He finally got to the point where he needed a liver transplant but his bone marrow became infected and no longer made any blood cells. A week before he passed, we were told they couldn't do the transplant because he no longer had any white blood cells or platelets. On August 23, his blood pressure dropped and they could not bring it up again. Although he suffered a lot the last week, his last day was extremely peaceful and he was surrounded by his loved ones. I held his hand the whole time. My sweet, amazing best friend.

 

There are no words for what I am going through right now. Today has been good so far - aka no crying/screaming/got out of bed. Last week was easier I think because I had just seen him suffer so much that him passing was sort of a relief. This week is unbelievably hard but I think that it's only going to get worse.

 

I cannot believe he's gone. We did everything together. We had come through so much together and we were so happy. We had an amazing family with our cat and dog. We had the cutest little apartment. We had worked so hard to get where we were. We had our whole lives to get married and have children. He had recently turned 32 and I turned 25 in July. He was my everything. I'm so scared but I know he's with me. He was so handsome, intelligent, compassionate, and really just the best person I've ever met.

 

Thank you for letting me vent. I really look forward to talking to y'all on here.

[Jess]

Hello Peggy and Fran and welcome to the board. I am so sorry you you had to look for us, but so glad you found us. I hope that you can find comfort from talking to people that understand what this pain feels like. It is a safe place to vent any thoughts you can't share elsewhere. Not only will no one judge, but also people will be able to relate to how you are feeling. For now, take care of yourselves and basic needs. I am wishing you peace and comfort.