introduce yourself here

[stuckwonderingwhy]

I just found this forum through a recommendation from /r/GriefSupport on reddit.

 

I lost my Lady to a car accident in March of this year. It's been rough trying to get back into the step of things since the accident. We had our whole life planned out, and now I'm just stuck with the pieces. I haven't received much support recently, and turned to the internet for help. Posting on reddit helped me vent, and it was the first time in a long time that I was able to speak to people who understood where I am, and what I'm dealing with.

 

I'm 35, we didn't get a chance to have children. We were together for 7 years. She was supposed to start her Master's Degree this fall. It still feels like it just happened yesterday. I'd just like someone to talk to who understands.

[Jess]

Hello stuckwonderingwhy. I am glad you were directed our way. I am so very sorry for your loss. A lot of what you said really struck a cord with me. I was 35 when my husband died  suddenly last year. We were together for ten years at the time and married a couple months shy of 8 years. Kids never happened for us either, despite wanting it to happen. In short, we didn't have enough time and I was in the insane position of becoming that poor friend of a friend whose tragic story makes you equally sad and relieved it isn't you.

 

Around 6 or 7 months out, I too looked around and saw most of my support had moved on with their lives. It is a lonely feeling and this group of people helped me immensely as the shock wore off and I started really processing my new reality. I hope you find this same sort of support here. 

 

[br0peth]

Hi everyone. 

 

My name is Dan and lost my wife a couple of weeks to a seizure in the middle of the night, heart stopped. Jesus.

She was a 5 year breast cancer survivor and my everything.  We were married 16 years this Friday coming up. 24 years together.  HIgh school sweethearts.  She was 41.

 

I have had a good support group so far but need to share with people with similar experiences to share. My love of music and musicianship has been helping too.

 

Man I miss her.

[Guest Damiansinc]

Hello,

 

My wife died 8 months ago. She had a rare condition called frontotemporal dementia that was diagnosed February 2013. By July 2013 I had to have her placed in a nursing home. Her downfall was fast and horrific. I'll spare you all the details but she basically starved to death in hospice care when her brain stopped telling her how and to eat.

 

If she had lived till September, we would have been together 20 years. I met her in my first class ever in college. We had real good stretches, but I don't want to paint this as a tragic love story. The dementia tore apart our marriage well before there was even a diagnosis. Of course, I didn't know it at the time. I thought we were just in a very bad spot. That she hated me. Stuff like that. Took the diagnosis (after she got fired from two jobs in a matter of weeks and months of doctors and psych hospitals) to help me realize what was really wrong.

 

For the year and a half she was in the nursing home I drive down to visit her once a week. We have a 6 year old (birthday next week) and I wanted to honestly tell him I did all I could. In fact, I was dedicated to her care. I'm glad we were still together when the foment is hit hard because I was able to make sure she got the care she needed. Had we divorced before (and I was close) she could have died alone or heaven help me hurt our son. So in general I feel proud of how I handled such a hard situation.

 

While she was still alive I quit working for a break. I have started my own business. I have finished a manuscript. I have continued to raise my son.

 

I'm on this forum now because just this month I hit a massive wall of depression and have had trouble functioning. I have been seeing a therapist weekly for many years. Just this week I decided to seek out an antidepressant.

 

Here I am. 8 months out and feeling worse than I've ever felt before. What is that?

 

But anyway, hello everyone. I'm sorry that we all have to be here, but it's good to know I'm not alone.

[Wheelerswife]

Hi, ALD,

 

I'm sorry you had to join our club, but welcome.  Dementia is an awful death sentence, and for someone so young, it is even worse.  It must have been terribly difficult to see the initial symptoms and be baffled at the behavioral aspects.  In a way, I imagine that it was a relief to know why your wife had changed, but to then know that there wasn't hope of improvement must have been incredibly difficult.

 

Having worked in skilled nursing facilities, I've seen how people have had to make the decision to allow other people to care for their loved ones, but it is doubly hard when the person is young.  I know what it takes to be a caregiver, as I also took care of my first husband for 18 years.  I hope you truly know that you did what was best for your wife - and your son - and thirdly, for yourself. 

 

It isn't at all unusual to be hitting a wall at 8 months out.  Even though you knew the outcome for your wife's life for some time before her death, there is something that hits us when that day finally comes and they die.  I have said that I was well prepared for my (first) husband to die, but not for him to be dead.  You go home and shake your head and say, "Wow.  This day is here."  Then we go about taking care of arrangements and the tasks of everyday life such as taking care of your son.  Eventually, for many of us, we get gobsmacked several months down the line.  "Is this my life?  How do I move forward from here?  How am I going to figure out how to live my life again?"

 

Well, I'm rambling on...but I wanted to welcome you into the fold.  There are several new people who have joined recently that are just as freshly widowed, if not more so, than you.  I hope you all can find support here.

 

Maureen

[Cinderpamela]

Hi-

This is my very first post. I lost my husband of 22 years in September of 2014. He was out walking the family dog in our neighborhood on a sunny afternoon. While in a crosswalk he was struck by a car. The driver was on her cel phone and claimed she did not see him. He was rushed to the hospital, but not long after arrival I was told that the head injuries he sustained from the back of his head hitting the pavement were too severe, there was no way he could survive them. He was only 43.  It was by far and away the worst day of my life, My husband and I met at University. We have two boys (at the time of the accident they were 17 and 13), he was an amazing father and husband, my best friend and the one person that fully "got" me. He was also the best storyteller and always kept us laughing. I miss so many things.... but most of all I miss the laughter that we shared.

[kjs1989]

I am so sorry Cinderpamela. I was married for 23 years and lost my husband to a freak boat accident  Oct. 20, 2012 while he was on his way to a duck blind to hunt on opening day. He was a passenger in a boat  with six others, and the driver hit a channel marker in the dark and fog. Two feet to the right and they would have missed the concrete marker in the Mississippi River. Basically, they hit a needle in a haystack. He was knocked unconscious and drowned in three feet of water. They were 30 feet from their destination. One other man also died. I also had three teenagers at the time. I never heard a word from the boat driver. Nothing.  He had hunted in the area for 20 years and should have known where that marker was and slowed down if it was not visible. I would not know the man if I saw him at the grocery store. He was a new acquaintance of my husband's. The what-ifs are so brutal for me. I am sure you have gone through that, too.

 

Again, I am so sorry.

 

[brandylee]

My name is brandy. Im 35, and lost my husband of 12 years to a single car crash. We have 3 kids together who are big handfuls 9, 5r and 2 years old. Its rfeally, really hard to grieve when you are dealing with something kid related at every moment.

He was working on a ranch, and part of our compensation was hiusing, so i had to move very quickly on top of it. In fact, i still havent found a new place to live. I have a trailer house..yay...opening up in about 3 weeks, so i have my kids on vacation at the oregon coast.

Im trying real hard. We really were best friends...id never post something about that on facebook, because he was a man and things like that would have embarrassed him. But that was part of why we worked so well...we were always considerate if each others ways instead of trying to change or criticize. Having tons of my own flawss but a husband who loved me and took care of me...and let me love and take care of him...was one of the luckiest things ever. So i often feel very pissed off about working hard to have what we wanted and having it ripped away. Even though we were kind of doing the traditional thing...housewife, man providing, etc. We were also really liberal and non religious. I find myself wishing i had some faith to fall back on.  Or my kids. But it all seems too foreign.

Anyway thats all i know for now.

[stuckwonderingwhy]

Sorry to hear about your husband brandylee.

 

Don't be afraid to talk about things here. This is a great forum with people who understand where you are, and are here to listen. I also lost my fiancee to a car crash this past March. I've only been posting on this forum for a few weeks, but the people here have helped me a great deal. If you ever need to vent or just want someone to hear you, we are all here.

[stolendance]

I am a recent widow a month and a bit. I am also 30 years old and my husband was 32 it is said we our fortunate we don?t have kids and maybe that?s true but we were going to start a family and that has been taken from me. His passing was completely unexpected and due to medical complications in the hospital. I am also new to the city we live in for only a year. It can be hard but I am happy to have a new city to hide out in as our old city now feels so small with how fast the news of his passing spread. I have had to stop my ambitions to ensure his continue as they were our livelihood. I am angry at him because he could have prevented his initial hospital visit and this has changed our life plan. But honestly everyday is a bit of an emotional roller coaster. I feel very luck and happy to have found this site.

 

[Guest TheOtherHalf]

Hello, I am widowed 11 years out now and a member of the now defunct YWBB. Many knew me by Elysia and other monikers. Although changing monikers was never against the rules there, I see it is here and of course I will abide.

 

If it is possible for me to offer support to the newly widowed here, then I'd happily do so. Sometimes, especially when things are tough for me, it actually brings me comfort to reach out and bring someone else comfort and if there are no impediments that would be good to do.

 

I admit the pressing reason I joined today is off topic. This is the only place where I know there  are lots of people in NYC and surrounding areas.

 

So I'll get straight to it.

 

Doesn't anyone, especially from New York City find it super strange that there are four bridges to Staten Island? Does anyone find it strange that the Statue of Liberty is located on Liberty Island? I can't help but wonder if there aren't a lot of people in New York who would swear up and down that there were no bridges to Staten Island, let alone four, and that the Statue of Liberty, according to my memory was located at Ellis Island.

 

Now I realize I had a rep. for being crazy, but this isn't crazy talk. There are many people who remember these things as I do. I just can't help but wonder why more people, especially from NYC don't seem to think this is strange, or they aren't saying anything.

 

What say you?

[Guaruj]

stolendance -

 

I'm glad you found us, but I'm sorry that you needed to. It must be quite a shock to lose your husband so unexpectedly, and especially while he was in hospital care. My wife also died unexpectedly while in the hospital, but this was after 8 years of cancer treatment.

 

I don't know what city you live in, but you may find other here who live nearby. I hope, when you're ready, that your new city offers you some comforting diversions.

 

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[Guaruj]

Doesn't anyone, especially from New York City find it super strange that there are four bridges to Staten Island?

 

I'm from Boston myself, but I visited NYC, including Staten Island, back in August. Many people ride the Staten Island Ferry from Manhattan, and that ride is about 5 miles or so. The ferry is free to ride, and that allows people from Staten Island (which is a borough of NYC) to commute to Manhattan without blowing their wages on transportation. Many other people in New York ride the ferry for a cheap day trip with pleasant views on the water.

 

The bridges on Staten Island connect it to Brooklyn and New Jersey, but it's easy for people who don't drive in those places to assume that the ferry is the only way on and off the island.

 

Does anyone find it strange that the Statue of Liberty is located on Liberty Island? I can't help but wonder if there aren't a lot of people in New York who would swear up and down that there were no bridges to Staten Island, let alone four, and that the Statue of Liberty, according to my memory was located at Ellis Island.

 

The Staten Island Ferry passes by both the Statue of Liberty and Ellis Island. Both of these sites were extensively renovated by a well-publicized philanthropic project in the mid-1980's. Many Americans associate both sites with waves of immigrants who arrived by boat in the early 20th century: Those immigrants passed by the Statue of Liberty, which symbolized the promise of the United States, on their way to Ellis Island, where they went through the much-less-romantic process of passing through our immigration system. I can see how one might conclude that the statue and the immigration center are adjacent.

 

My grandmother immigrated through Ellis Island and absolutely hated every minute of it. Tourists visit their now, but she always told me that it was disgusting place back in the 1920's.

 

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[Guest TheOtherHalf]

Hello, and thank you so much for taking this seriously and responding. Just so I understand, you're saying that there are brides on Ellis Island which connect Ellis Island to Brooklyn/NJ, or these bridges are connected to Staten Island? I know you've spoken plainly and clearly, but I have a thick head when it comes to some things, so thanks for your patience.

 

While I'm at it, Mongolia! Who knew it was a country? I thought it was lost in the mists of time, but, it has a capital city and everything. I admit, I have totally tuned out over these last eleven years, it looks like a lot has happened in my absence. Or maybe there's an explanation as Guaruja suggests. Sorry I don't know how to use accent keys, but pleased to meet you.

[Guaruj]

Hello, and thank you so much for taking this seriously and responding. Just so I understand, you're saying that there are brides on Ellis Island which connect Ellis Island to Brooklyn/NJ, or these bridges are connected to Staten Island?

 

Actually, I was thick-headed when I wrote that sentence. I just now edited it to say that those bridges go to Staten Island. Ellis Island is comparatively tiny.

 

You can see all of this by searching Google Maps for "Staten Island NY".

 

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[Guest TheOtherHalf]

I have searched photos and I'm not really understanding what I am seeing. From what I understand now, there are four bridges that connect Staten Island to Manhattan and some of the surrounding areas, as you have mentioned, Brooklyn and New Jersey. I have looked for photos that show the four bridges, but I can't find them.

 

Don't worry about it this is one of the avenues I wanted to explore in order to get a handle on it. I guess no one has any issues with Mongolia being a country either. Anyway, if that should change with anyone, this post is here. I'll check back now and again.

[Guest TheOtherHalf]

Just to clarify, I have seen photos of the four bridges, but I could not find images of Staten Island with more than one bridge connecting it to New York.

 

I have to say, reading the names of the bridges for the first time, or even seeing those names for the first time, looking up when they were constructed, and finding newspaper articles describing how the Goethe Bridge I believe, is being completely re done. Then looking Mongolia, and its "new" history, at least new to me, its currency, its culture, its architecture all for the very first time - it feels like I am in a completely different place and time.

 

I remember the deaths of Jim Nabors, David Soul, and Gene Wilder, but not that Anderson guy. But they didn't happen either. As I said, I'm not the only one and I just wondered if this rings a bell here.

[brandylee]

Im brandy. Today would have been austin's 37th birthday. He died kn august 31 this year in a car crash. We had three very handful like kids 9, 5 and 2. Im still feeling like now i just have to crawl.through this shitty new life that i hate. We were each other's best friends, so we pretty much spent any time he wasn't working together (i was a housewife/ stay at home mom/ whatever phrase offends you the east bc i dont care.) My three little handfuls make it impossible to greive. Theyre busy fighting, being hyper, breaking stuff, etc. In some ways thts probably lucky, but it means i burst into weird.child-like snivel-fits my husband probably would hsve made fun of.lol,i miss his sick sense of.humor like that. Existing hurts right now, but its totally necessary because of the kids.

[donswife]

hi brandy ,

so sorry you are here but glad you found a place to come and post

slowly crawling through this shitty life is something we understand , don't like it but understand it

and those burst of crying , yup know that also

take care

 

[brandylee]

Im glad theres someone it makes sense too...well not glad it does. But glad weve found a place to be.  Its better than trying to comfort someoe else from their discomfort of our situation

[mizjsea]

Hi Brandy. I lost my husband the August before last. I am sorry for your loss. My kids are older and I can't imagine suffering this tragedy with young kids and my heart goes out to those who have. I think young kids are a double edged sword in that you are forced to function and have the purpose of "them" but on the other hand I know it is exhausting and depleting. When my kids were young I just kind of laughed at the advice "take time for yourself" so I hate to even say it. But  am wishing you luck, strength and hugs.

[TheNewNormal]

Hi all,

 

I've been lurking for the last couple of months, finding solace in reading everyone's stories and suggestions with coping and it's made a tremendous impact on helping me get through my grief.  Thank you to everyone that's contributed.

 

It was back in June when lost my wife of 4 years. We were together for 11 years and it was the best 11 years of my life. She left behind 2 daughters, just 2 months and shy of 3 years at the time of her death. She died from a rare infection. It was fast(ish). She got sick on Sunday night, hospitalized on Wednesday morning, passed early morning Thursday.  She put up a good fight til the end, having suffered 2 cardiac arrests but bouncing back from both. She know she had to stay not just for her 2 daughters but for me also. But in the end she succumbed.

 

The last few months have been....blah. It's been difficult and the fact that we had an polyamorous relationship makes it that much more complicated. Nonetheless, I get my strength to get up and out of bed everyday from my girls.

 

I hate to be part of this "club" but I'm very glad I found others that are on the same page of me. I wish everyone the best on this long and winding road we call widowhood.

[MikeWithKids]

Hi,

 

Recently found this again thanks to RobFTC and thought I should say hi. I was a previous member of the YWBB.

 

Five years ago I suddenly lost my wife to a postpartum pregnancy complication. I have an eight year old and a five year old I have been raising myself since then. I've had the support of many people over the past five years but I have really done most of the work on my own (and with a huge amount of help from an amazing nanny I found a few months after losing my wife.) I'm glad you all have a forum here again.

 

I have my ups and downs just like anyone. Mostly doing alright now, though there are still some bad days.

 

-Mike

[alemja]

Hi everyone, I am also an old YWBB member, came across this page via the facebook one.

 

Hold on Brandy, the days and weeks will pass and life will go on, with young kids there is no avoiding it.

 

I lost my husband on June 4th 2013, my children were 5 and 7 at the time, it was completely unexpected, he had bipolar disorder and took his life after a particularly bad manic episode.

 

I am a control freak and I was sure that I could work my way through this grief thing right and come out fine and "over it" on the other side. What a laugh, right;) !?

Its been a very painful lesson to learn that you cant "finish" grieving, that we will carry this loss forever. But I have come to realise that life can carry one along side that loss.

I met another young widower by chance 9 months out, he had lost his wife 6 months before and he also had two kids, aged 5 and 7 when she passed. At first it was such a relief to make a friend who "got it", very very quickly fell for each other and now, 21 months later we are engaged and have been living together for a year already. Our kids consider each other siblings and we all get each others loss, we live (really live, laugh, play enjoy) and grieve together. The kids comfort each other and cheer each other up the grief rears its head and my new love and I do the same for each other, there is no jealousy or discomfort when we grieve for our lost spouses. Our family pictures hang together on the walls , both new and old.

There is hope, its not an easy road at all by life can and does go on.

[Alyssa]

Hi, my name is Alyssa. My husband and I were married for four years before he was KIA in Afghanistan on 9 June 2014. My husband and I were dual military. We have two young daughters. The first year I was numb went through the motions of day to day life. The shock of Jason's death and the controversy surrounding his death took a toll on me. Through therapy I have accepted I can't change what has been done. Although, it has been over a year the holidays and his bday fast approaching have brought on many emotions. I feel every emotion possible at all times. I hope being able to connect with others who have lost will help me through the  holidays.