introduce yourself here

[Gussie]

I am so very sorry for your loss. Your husband was much too young. Mine was 57 and it was a sudden death. Two years ago. At the time our son had just turned 13. Nothing easy or fair about it. I feel for you and am wishing you peace and strength.

[JustLola]

Thank you, Gussie. I'm so sorry for your loss and that of your son. What a tough time to lose his Dad.

 

 

[Adley]

Hello everybody, I wish I'd found this site long ago. Thank you all for sharing your stories and encouraging words.  Jessica was my lover and best friend. We were together eight years and married almost five.  On our fourth wedding anniversary she was diagnosed with cervical cancer.  We knew we could beat it, she was vibrant and athletic and a natural born scrapper.  We did everything the doctors said, and chemo withered her away. She died in a Boston hospital seven and a half months later. I was right there with her.  Our children were two, three, and five. The dreams, the sadness, the anger, the loneliness, I hear you all loud and clear.  The ring, the bed, crazy comments, photos, triggers, children, lost careers, the hope, thank you all so much for sharing. You all have given me hope.  To the newly widowed- just hold on for a while. Eventually you will find yourself smiling over some small thing without realizing it. Not every day at first, and maybe not for long, but it will happen and become more frequent. You can do this, there are genuine people here who have been through a similar situation. Sending you all the best, Adley.

[Mary3k]

HI,

I'm new here . I lost my husband in May of 2013 after an extended illness -- but he committed suicide after he got out of the hospital. The story is too long to share right now. But, I was so angry and hurt that I got remarried in 2014. Well, that turned out to be a disaster --Talk about learning how to recover from to deep emotional blows at the same time.  I think my friends an family are tired of my drama.  Personally, I am tired of my drama too!  I just can't wait for my life to be "normal" again.  I was the wealthy soccer mom that "had it all" and it pretty much all blew up in my face. 

 

I am just sad now.  Honestly, I was so angry after Lance died that I didn't cry. I just "moved on". But now, that my ex-husband is out of the house, I miss Lance so very much.  It's like all the grief I had from him dying just erupted, and now I am just so sad and I miss him, every day, all the time.  The bad part is, that everyone else has moved on ... like 3 years ago... and I am just newly grieving again.  Nobody wants to hear about how sad I am because they "got over it" a few years ago.  I found this forum in hopes of being able to find an outlet to discuss my feelings without burning my friends and family out. Like I said, they are tired of my "man-drama". 

 

Thank you for giving me an outlet to express myself.  It is helpful to know that there is a place for me to talk to someone .

Mary

[Wheelerswife]

Welcome, Mary.

 

I'm sorry that you have the circumstances in your life to qualify you to be a part of our club.  You are certainly welcome here and can vent to your heart's desire.  You bring your own story to the group that can also enlighten others, but we are also here to give you support.  Honestly, nobody knows how they will react to the loss of a beloved spouse or partner until it happens to them.  There are so many emotions surrounding our losses, and I imagine things are even more complicated when that person that you loved ended his own life.  That isn't my experience, but others here have lost spouses to suicide and can offer you a different kind of understanding.

 

I hope you feel comfortable here and telling your story as much as you feel comfortable.

 

Hugs,

 

Maureen

[Mary3k]

Thank you. I appreciate your love and support. Life is definitely an interesting journey, isn't it? I have learned SO many lessons in life that I wish I could share with people. I seriously want to write a book -- about what NOT to do when your husband dies. haha. I can share TONS of what not to dos!

[pamtxmom]

I am Pam, Paul’s wife, and mother of our two daughters (20 and 17 years). Paul and I met at our jobs more than 26 years ago.  We dated for 3 years, and lived together for 3 years before marrying. With our oldest in college and the youngest a junior in high school, we were starting to plan retirement. Paul has been my everything for more than 26 years.

 

We celebrated our 20th anniversary in February of 2016.  He gave me a beautiful gold heart set with emeralds (my birthstone).  He totally surprised me with that.  I was still working on his gift (an album of our 20+ years together).  I had planned to give it to him at Christmas. Now that opportunity is gone forever.

 

My husband and I were older when we had our children and we poured a lot of our energy into them.  (Our daughters are 20 and 17) He had a son from a previous marriage too and spent time helping him with working on car engines and building projects.

 

He loved taking our daughters to museums and teaching them about history.  When we traveled, we always stopped at state capitols.  My husband only lacked two (Alaska and Maine) to have been to all 50 State Capitols.  My husband did dance recitals with the girls when asked to, and he took them to the Daddy Daughter Dance at our local rec center every February.

 

My husband also volunteered in the community: he donated blood as often as they called him; he loved to volunteer at charity golf events, marathons, professional sporting events and our local historical museum.  He got one of his bucket list wishes a couple of years ago when he volunteered for the half time crew at the Super Bowl when they played in Dallas. He helped move the pieces of the stage on and off the field.

 

My husband swam 5 days a week at the natatorium and went walking/cycling every day at the local rec center. He saw his Dr. every month to monitor his blood pressure and cholesterol.

 

Early on the morning of Oct. 19th Paul woke me up and said he thought he was having a stroke, and that he hurt all over. He told me he had already taken an aspirin.  I got up and called 911 and got dressed and unlocked the door while we waited for them.  Emergency arrived and prepped him for the ambulance ride and asked if I wanted to go with them.  I said no, I’d drive myself.  I regret that decision. But I had no idea he’d never come home.

 

My husband Paul died just 3 hours after he woke me up, of a dissecting aortic aneurysm, at the age of 63.

 

I am devastated. Our daughters are devastated.  We chose to celebrate his life rather than have a funeral or memorial service. We gathered in the Old Church at the historical park where he volunteered and played his favorite Willie Nelson song, “Angel Flying too Close to the Ground” and told stories about him.

 

I am moving slowly through the days trying to take care of the “business” of death. I cry all the time and am exhausted at the end of every day. I keep waiting for Paul to call and tell me when he’ll be home. The emptiness is all around me. But, I keep moving forward for our daughters’ sakes.

 

[Julester3]

Hugs Pam, I know the feeling all too well. Try to have a good day today.

[SimiRed]

Pam,

 

I am so heartbroken that you have to be a member of a group that none of us ever wanted to be a member of.  You are a great friend, I am so sorry for you loss, but happy you have found your way here. 

 

There is a great amount of support here, we all understand the road of grief and all the pain that goes with it.

 

Paul was a wonderful man, great husband and father.  You make him proud everyday.

 

{{{Hugs}}}

[Mikenter]

I'm Michael, Miranda's Husband. I'm 23, she was 21 on November 7, 2016. It's been near seven days. We met August 2013, started dating October 2013 (on Halloween actually), and got married May 16, 2014. A friend of mine suggested I look into forums knowing me all too well. You will find me in chat nearly 24/7 and I get notifications on my phone if you mention my name.

 

Details of her passing are in my journal post http://widda.org/index.php/topic,2833.0.html.

 

I'll be straight. I don't know how else to introduce myself other than that. I'm terribly bad at this.

[perrine18]

Hello All,

 

My name is Eric, I'm 26 years old, and I lost my 25-year-old wife almost 3 months ago. She was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer in July 2015. She immediately started chemo therapy at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, MN. She completed her chemo in December. In January 2016, she had a double mastectomy, lymph nodes where the cancer had spread were also removed. She then completed 6 weeks of proton beam radiation therapy. At the end of March, she was cancer free. She continued to recover at home until our wedding and honeymoon in June. In July 2016, she started to experience terrible headaches. Two lesions were found in her brain. She had surgery to remove both lesions. It was too late, though. The cancer later spread to her brain and spinal cord. She passed away on September 10, 2016. She was the love of my life, and it hurt every day that I had to watch her be sick. Moving forward without her continues to hurt more than I could have imagined. In May, we went on a "Parade of Homes" tour where we live in ND. We planned to start saving for our home. Everything we had ever dreamed of is gone now. 

[Wheelerswife]

Hello, Eric.

 

I'm so sorry for your loss.  You have endured so much in just over a year's time.  I hate that your dreams have been shattered at such a young age.  As you already know, this is a very painful time.  You have barely had time to breathe.  Your friends likely have no concept of how you feel and how much pain you are enduring.  Grief can be a very lonely place.

 

I hope that you are eating some, drinking water, getting sleep when you can, and taking comfort from people around you.  Right now, it is sometimes enough to just get through one day at a time.  If you think too far into the future, you can get overwhelmed.  I assure you, though, that you will survive this.  I doubt you can see that possibility sometimes, but hang onto the knowledge that there are many of us who have lived this incredible pain and find the capacity to go on and eventually feel fulfilled again.

 

I am almost three years out from the loss of my second husband and although I don't have everything together yet, things are starting to fall into place.  I'm making a career change and finishing a master's degree and plan on making a move back to the east coast from the center of the country.  I could not have done this 3 years ago, but school has given me purpose and structure and that has helped me accomplish more than I expected.

 

I hope you can find something on which you can focus and keep putting one foot in front of the other.  Keep coming here.  You are not the only very young person here.  Those on a similar time frame will understand you best.  Don't be afraid to reach out to anyone here with whom you feel some kind of connection.  Some of my best friends are those I met on this board and its predecessor.

 

Hugs to you,

 

Maureen

[pigsCANfly]

I'm the same pigsCANfly from YWBB...For some reason, just recently, I've had several friends of friends become widowed and I've sent them here...and until they noticed, not realizing I had never introduced myself and likely never commented. I'm very appreciative that some folks were able to set this up again; I think it will continue to be a lifeline for many.

 

I found the YWBB shortly after my Tommy was killed in a car crash in May of 2010, within sight of our then-five year old son. His fatal accident followed a string of near-misses that in retrospect seemed like trial runs. Nothing he did to himself, just the universe's way of preparing me, I guess. (Side note: the universe really sucks at the whole preparation thing. The rug was pulled out, I was on my ass, I was devastated. I still am in many ways).

 

At the time, I felt I didn't belong at YWBB because I wasn't feeling or experiencing or coping with my grief like ANYONE who was about the same time out as I was (3 months). It was another year before I came back, and actually I went to chat before I ever posted. I realized then that not everyone's timeline will be, or even SHOULD be, the same--but because I didn't understand that the first time, I didn't understand why the way *I* was coping was "wrong" according to the timelines of others. (Side note #2: Do not allow others to rate or judge YOUR journey. Listen to them about theirs, but yours is YOURS.)

 

The second time, I was purchasing a house, moving, going through all of his jun--er, I mean fabulous finds, and it was not only helpful at that point to me to hear about how others were dealing with doing these things, regardless of how far out they were, but I was able to learn from others who seemed to find my somewhat unorthodox comments and approach helpful, as had not been the case the first time I came on. There were wids with whom I connected (awesome men and women who are still friends!!) and those with whom I didn't--also amazing, but no second date so to speak LOL--and to you newbies, please know that this is OK--you will meet many different folks here, and my best advice is to stick with the ones who get you (and vice-versa), regardless of the length of time you or they have been widowed.

 

When the YWBB shut down I was a very infrequent visitor. I didn't copy any old posts, didn't even go on to read any. Once it was done it was done--didn't need to go back and feel it again. My particular mode of coping with my grief then (and pretty much now, still) is to just do it--if you can look it in the eye and kick its ass at any moment, even just for a second, do it. If you need to choose to have a stay-in-bed grief day where it comes and goes as it pleases, choose to. (Side note #3: If you want to scream and cry and break plates, I have some an ex in-law gave me that I will ship for free! Doesn't work for everyone, but it worked for me).

 

Being here--it's because of an awful ending to our stories--however, it is a new beginning for each of us as well. Birth is painful and can be complicated--this is no different. You will likely become a changed person, with different views and different feelings. You may not recognize yourself some days. That's normal. As many folks have written in this thread, grief does change, it does get better--perhaps incrementally, perhaps only temporarily...but the better times get better, and they come closer and closer together and last longer and longer...and the bad, well, they kind of stay the same, but they do tend to get further apart and don't hang on quite as long as that broccoli smell when you forget you have it in the fridge.

 

Please try to be patient and kind with yourself, and HONEST with yourself to the best of your ability. Don't be afraid to ask for help, and don't be afraid to give it.  BUT---

 

THIS is the best advice: drink lots of water. It works for pretty much everyone, every time.

 

pCf

 

PS Sometimes the water thing works better after being part of an aging or fermentation process!

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Wheelerswife]

Welcome back, pCf.

 

Maureen

[RobFTC]

Hey Sam-you-are, welcome back!

 

Take care,

Rob T

[SailOn]

Hi, I'm Jeff and my wife died last week.

I'm a little older than some/many of you; I'm 52. The other sites I've been to, however, have way too many people who are so much older than usthan me that I don't identify with the members at all.

 

I have 2 grown children. One is here, the other in a city pretty far away. I work from home. My wife had been home with me. There is no one to talk to during the day, no one to take a coffee break with. Aside from that, today has been a good day. I'm just trying to establish the new normal.

 

Karen wasn't sick for very long. She had what appeared to be food poisoning. After 10 days of throwing up, she agreed to go to the doctor. He found nothing wrong and said if she wasn't better by Monday, go to her regular doctor. On Saturday she was worse, on Sunday she was in awful shape. I took her to the ER and she was septic, in acute renal distress, her liver was failing. They did a CT scan and found she had an incarcerated hernia. Transfer to another hospital ICU, dialysis overnight, surgery in the morning. All seemed to go well, the nurse told me to go home and get some rest. Three hours later he called and said to get there right away. She aspirated. That led to a ventilator, a rotoprone bed, and transfer to another hospital for ECMO. During the transfer, her heart stopped, but they got it going again. After another week, she seemed to be doing better; the doctor was talking to us about the long term treatment plan. Then they did a CT scan of her brain. Severe brain damage incompatible with life. We don't know when it happened. In three weeks we went from planning Thanksgiving (her favorite holiday) to sitting shiva. It has been a whirlwind.

[Wheelerswife]

Hi, Jeff.

 

Welcome to our little family.  I'm sorry you had to join us, but glad you found us so quickly.  There are some unfortunately young people here, but you are not alone in being in your early 50's.  I received my first ticket to join this club at 47 and my second ticket 4 1/2 years later at 51.

 

You have been surrounded by family and friends during shiva and you may not have had an opportunity to let this all sink in.  You may still be in shock.  Hold to your family and friends and take advantage of any help they may offer.  Some of the Jewish rituals for mourning may comfort you and remind those around you that you are grieving and need support.  I hope your community stays close to you if this is helpful.

 

Remember to drink water, eat when you can, sleep when you can, and never be afraid to come here and ramble, vent, or just simply find a place to express what is on your mind.

 

I'm so sorry for the loss of your beloved Karen.

 

Maureen

 

 

[swilson]

Hey Jeff, I'm sorry you suddenly lost your wife and welcome you as a fellow 50ish widower. The holidays can amplify the pain of loss so as Maureen says, remember to take care of yourself. {Bro hug}

[widowwithbaby]

My name is Camila.  On June 1, 2016 my husband Shah was shot and killed while driving for Lyft. You can Google it, it was all over the news. We had just celebrated our 3 year anniversary since our first date. Our daughter had just turned one.

When we met, he hardly spoke any English, but we fell in love and he moved here from Iran. We had been married for over two years and he had a joyful confidence about the future. It's still hard to believe a random carjacking ended our dreams.

I got on this site because it's getting harder, not easier. The holidays really remind you that you are no longer anyone's priority.

[Wheelerswife]

Hi, Camila,

 

I'm so sorry for your tragic and unnecessary loss.  I'm glad you found this site.  It helps to be in a place where others understand the some of your heartache.  I have experienced first holidays twice...they were very hard to me, too.  Even when I am surrounded by other family, there isn't anyone who knows the heartbreak I feel. 

 

I don't know the same kind of senseless tragedy that you have experienced, but I know both anticipated and unexpected loss of a spouse.  I would hug you if I could and sit and let you talk about your beautiful Shah.  I hope you find comfort here as well as a place to scream and rant and also connect with others who are hurting , too.

 

Hang in there.  We do eventually breathe again, but it takes time.

 

Hugs,

 

Maureen

[cassandra]

Reintroducing myself.

 

I joined YWBB in March 2008 when my husband passed unexpectedly.  I read the site constantly, refreshing pages over and over to see the latest replies from everyone.  The Newly Widowed forum was a godsend for me as I tired to make sense of my new life. 

 

It felt like such a sense of accomplishment (in a strange way) to "graduate" to Shock Wears Off then to Beyond the First Year . . . even dipping my toes into Beyond Active Grieving to see where I hoped to be at some point.  I even posted occasionally.  You guys were amazing at being able to understand, commiserate and even laugh at the absurdity of life as a (no longer so) young widow. 

 

I tried going to some local 'bagos, but there were not that many in my area and then I started feeling like I was too far along to attend the ones that did happen.

 

I am now just about nine years out.  I remember someone posting on BAG (Teal, I think) who was almost that far out when I started.  I could not imagine being able to get there, but here I am.  I am still trying to figure out this new life.  Sometimes my progress is slower than people want (don't even get me started on my parents' plot to set me up on a blind date); but it's my life, not theirs.

 

Thank you to everyone who restored the website.  When I realized YWBB was gone, I really felt the loss and am so appreciative to those of you who worked so hard to bring it back.  Is there a way to bring back the content of the old site?  I tried the Wayback Machine but very few pages were archived.

 

Cassandra

 

[beth_krkswidow]

I joined a few months ago, but never officially "introduced" myself here.  Mostly because I feel like I may be an illegal stowaway.  I have searched and searched to try and find a place where it specifies the criteria for "young widow" forum.  I feel like a "young" widow, but you all may not agree.  I meet with a "Young Widow" Grief Group.  Their criterion is under 65.  I fall well within that range.  When I joined I was 58; have had a birthday so am now 59.  I hope you will accept me anyway.

Christmas will be 7 months.  I have gotten no better.  People do not believe that.  You MUST be better.  Oh, really?  Must I?  Jump into my skin.  The Love of My Life, My Raison d'etre, My Honey, is gone.  Gone.  They don't get it.  He's not an old pair of jeans that I threw out.  He was my Whole Self.  Not my better half. He was my whole self.  I wrote a blog on our 28th anniversary, which was 2 days after his death.  It was written on a Christian blogging site to which we both belong.  If you are interested, it is here:

https://www.christianblog.com/blog/blest/sleep-peacefully-my-love/

 

He was in the hospital but he was supposed to come home the NEXT DAY.  I didn't go see him his last day alive, because I had a migraine.  The hour and a half drive to the hospital just seemed like too much with a migraine.  And he told me not to come.  He didn't sound right on the phone.  I kept calling his nurse and telling her he didn't sound right.  She kept telling me his vitals were fine.  And he was coming home the next day.  He is FINE. 

 

And at 2 am I got The Phone Call. 

 

I am so mad at myself for not going.  At the nurse for not listening to me.  At the hospital for not getting into his room until his heartbeat was so low they couldn't bring him back...

 

At almost 7 months, I still cannot believe he is gone and never coming back.

 

I am so very thankful for this site and for the members here who don't argue with me when I say I'm doing horribly.  "oh, no, you're doing much better.  You look great!".  Aarrgghh. 

 

Anyway, a belated introduction and thanks for being here.

[RyanAmysMom]

I'm Jennifer, Mom to Ryan (16) and Amy (13), Widow of David. 

David and I were married for almost 20 years, before he passed away in July, 2015.  David was born with significant heart and lung defects, and underwent multiple heart surgeries as a child, but was thriving in adulthood.  When we met, he explained to me that he had a "less-than-normal life expectancy," but we were perfect together.  I felt "called" to be his wife, and I knew I wouldn't have him until we were "old" but he was worth the chance.  Over the years, David's health declined.  I was becoming more and more the care-giver, and less the wife..... 

 

We were on family vacation in 2015 and I had taken the kids to play, and he collapsed.  His heart had finally just had enough.  I wasn't naive - I knew he wasn't well - but I thought we'd have a few more years....  I completely expected his decline to be gradual....

 

He was 44 when he passed - I was 43...  So now it's been nearly 18 months, and I'm still grieving... not completely surrounded by the "fog of grief" that was so heavy the first year, but still actively grieving - I had intellectually dealt with being a young widow, but had never really considered how much it would affect me emotionally....  and I deal with guilt about having children knowing that they wouldn't have a dad for long.... 

 

I find that the word I'm living with and fighting against is "loneliness".....  Even with my career and my kids around, and my family close, I find that I'm longing for intimacy, closeness, affection, companionship - I don't know if I'm really ready to date again - but as I see my friends thriving, and living....  I am wondering... 

 

Anyway - that's me and where I'm at...... 

 

 

[Guest wecouldbeheros]

I'm Scott. I found this site as from the advise of a nice lady, who introduced me. Sorry I thought I would forgo the formalities of an official introduction. Truth be told I haven't been the same since my wife passed of causes I will post perhaps another time. Anyway, her name was Karina. A stunning beautiful lady with a zest for life I've never seen before, and most assuredly will never have the time or chance to find again. It's been 5 years. Wish I found this site earlier. I've pretty much exhausted all other avenues to be able to talk about her. She had an extended family (with mine). I used to call her "sparkler". I hope that I can be able to post without too much reservation. Anyway, Hi !

[Guest wecouldbeheros]

You all seem pretty nice, hoping to find some new friends.

: ))))