introduce yourself here

[Wheelerswife]

Welcome Scott!

 

Thanks for joining in and giving your perspective.

 

Maureen

[MACC]

Hi I'm Macc. My husband died suddenly in April 2014 at the age of 41. He had a tear in the basilar artery (at the time we were unaware of)that caused him to have a brain aneurysm and stroke. Within a weeks time I had to make the hardest decision of my life and then tell our kids who were 4 and 6 that their dad died. I joined Widda in October 2015 and have been an occasional visitor and silent observer. I am so grateful for those that share. Recently I have become a frequent visitor and have taken the plunge and started sharing and participating. I guess I'm finding myself going through a tough patch and find this site is so helpful. Thanks to everyone!

[WarriorModeMom]

My name is Lesley.  My husband of nearly 18 years lost his 16 month battle to cancer three months ago.  We were hopeful that one of the clinical trials would keep this aggressive cancer at bay.  But none of the treatments worked.  Nothing worked.  To watch such a brilliant, disciplined and determined man wither away before my eyes was heart-wrenching, to say the least.

 

He was being treated at Memorial Sloan-Kettering for most of last year. We have two tween daughters.  For the girls and me, our day-to-day lives are the same as they have been since March of last year – starting and ending the day without him here.  We just know he isn’t coming home for a long weekend this time…..  Because our daily routines have been the same (except for the three weeks he spent in home hospice) I don’t think it has truly hit us yet.

 

I have been in warrior mode since June of 2015.  Not survival mode, because to me, that just means barely hanging on by a thread.  But I also know that a good warrior knows when to let other tribe members help to mend and polish the shield.  Thankfully, we have an extraordinary tribe.  Our family couldn’t have managed without the faculty and families of the girls’ school; the hospice grief counselor; our church; as well as our longtime, all around good friends.

 

I have learned to say “yes” and “thank you” when friends ask if they can help in any way.  One good friend is a comic book illustrator.  When he asked if he could help, I told him I needed a muse; a warrior I could see in comic book form.  She is my profile pic. 

 

My husband was the strict disciplinarian.  I had been letting the girls have a bit more iPad and tv time.  But I’ve just found out that they have mostly shut down at school (since December and not much has changed since returning last week).  I guess I’ve shut down a bit, as well.  By allowing them more electronics time, I’ve been able to zone out, too.  I know we’ll get through this wilderness, but it won’t be easy.

 

Thank you for listening.  I look forwarding to getting to know my fellow warriors here.  I know I will learn a lot from you all; gleaning nuggets of wisdom and guidance.

 

[kaleighmorgan13]

I'm Kaleigh. My fiancé was killed instantly in a car wreck on December 19, 2016.

 

No warning. No chance to say goodbye. No nothin.

 

I am lost.

[momof2obs]

Hello, I'm Linda.  My husband lost his brave fight against cancer on Halloween morning.  We had celebrated our 15th wedding anniversary four days earlier as he lay in hospice.  He was 50 years young (I just turned 49 last week and am left wondering what to expect next)  I have two children (13 & 11) and my focus has been primarily helping them with the loss of their father.  I have to say that since he was sick most of 2016 and in hospice the final five weeks of his life, they at least had the opportunity to say their goodbyes.

 

I stumbled across this site and am grateful I did as I see that there are others who are experiencing what I have been going through.

[Wheelerswife]

Hi, Linda,

 

Welcome to our club.  I'm sorry you had to pay the price of admission.  I'm glad you found us - we really do understand what you are experiencing.  I don't have children myself, but I was widowed at 47 (and again at 51).  If you are like me, I spent hours reading on the precursor to this site after I lost my first husband.  It was helpful to know that what I was experiencing was normal.

 

Try to take care of yourself and take help when it feels comfortable.  Read and post...and hug your kids if they will let you!

 

Hugs,

 

Maureen

 

 

[Nicky11]

Hi, I'm Nicky. My husband was on a deployment to Afghanistan and returned with a backache just about a year ago. He was sent to a chiropractor, physical therapy, pain management. He was a soldier for over 20 years. Soldiers get backaches. We never thought... His doctor finally sent him for imaging and we found out on May 13th that he had a metastatic tumor on his spine. Although he had numerous tests and biopsies, his primary cancer wasn't found and we spent the last three and a half weeks of his life in the ICU. He passed on August 11, 2016.

 

The army moved me back to our hometown. We had just purchased our house a few months before Brian passed, planning to spend a couple years fixing it up before he retired.

 

Time is a weird thing. In a little over a week it will be six months... and it still feels like yesterday.

[Julester3]

So sorry Nicky you have to join us here. I am sure the frustration for you is going through all the medical paces to find his problem for so long before really finding the cancer. It must have been hard to watch him those last few weeks. We are here for you. Time is funny in our position. I know it's changing and progressing but it just seems like yesterday my husband went to tennis and just died. I think we function in a time vacuum. I'm 10 months out and I don't know how I got here. Hugs for you today.

[WarriorModeMom]

Linda,

 

I am so sorry about your loss.  My husband was also 50.  He died last  October after a year and a half battle with cancer. Our girls are 12 and almost 10.

 

My mother-in-law lives on LI and we historically visit every summer and Christmas.

[jgib]

Hello, I'm Joan.

I am not sure if I fit in the ' young widow ' category but I don't feel old yet!

My husband was killed in a farming accident just over 3 years ago now.  He was only 46..... Because we worked for other people, managing their cattle properties, I not only lost the man I loved with all my heart, I lost my home and way of life.

I have been finding me again, as an individual and not part of a team.  I like me.

The anniversary this year, Jan 31, was the toughest yet I think.  Maybe because I am less numb now.  I am living for me now and it is interesting.  We never had kids so I am truly on my own.

I have been lurking here for a bit and thought it was time to introduce myself.  .

Hello all....

[PeaceLoveLinny]

Hello, I'm Lindsay. 

My husband passed away suddenly from a congenital heart defect on June 25th, 2016; He was only 37.  Matt and I had been together since I was 17.  We were married for almost 11 years before his passing and have 3 beautiful children.  I always knew that there was a chance he would be taken from me too soon, but I was not prepared, at 34, to be a young widow, explaining to my three small children that their father was gone.  It's been 9 months now.  The grief comes in waves for me and my children.  It's so hard.  But, we wake up each day and keep moving forward.  I was glad to find this group. 

That's the basics.

[WifeLess]

jgib and PeaceLoveLinny,

 

Welcome to Young Widow Forum. I hope you will find a measure of comfort knowing that there are many of us traveling the same difficult road you are on.

 

Sorry for the tragic losses that brought you here.

 

--- WifeLess

 

 

[RyanAmysMom]

PeaceLoveLinney - I, too, lost my husband to congenital heart defect in July of 2015.  I'm sorry to hear of your loss. 

[Winnie]

Hi.. I hope I'm posting this the right way. I've been a widow for three years now. My husband was 49 when he died and I was 46. We have two children who are now 25 and 20. He fought a valiant battle against lung cancer for 10 months before he died in our bed. My children and I holding him. I've never posted on any message boards. I write musings on my notes on my phone to get out my feelings. It's been theee years and I still feel stuck in quicksand. Only people who have known a partners loss can understand this. Life goes on. My friends and co workers have gone on. Since my husbands death I have had to catastrophic illnesses. Respiratory failure and coma after a surgery that necessitated a 6 month hospital stay, and 3 months ago I had a pulmonary aneurysm. Another 3 weeks in hospital, intubated and feeding tube. I am better and back to work but needless to say my children and I are traumatized, overwhelmed and angry.In three years time our whole world was upended. I miss my husband with an ache deep in my very being as my children miss their father with a fierce intensity. Everyone around me thinks I am "strong, brave & resilient @. They are wrong.

[James]

Only people who have known a partners loss can understand this.

 

We understand this.  The forum where you tell someone: "It sucks that you are here" and you reply: "Thank you."

 

I've only been here a short while but just writing posts and people taking the time to read them and respond, people who are the only ones who CAN understand, has been a big help.  Just write what you need.

[Winnie]

Thank you💗.

[MissingBilly]

Hi,

 

I posted a reply elsewhere, but decided to officially introduce myself.

 

I've actually been lurking for a number of months, because when DH was diagnosed with cancer last year, it was very very unlikely that he'd beat it. He was sick for about nine months.

 

He was 55, I'm 50, and never had kids, by choice, and were each best friends, by a mile. He worked evenings, so we didn't really see each other except on weekends, but we messaged each other constantly. Worked at the same place for many years. Didn't really see that many friends socially, because when we had time available, we really just wanted to be with each other. Definitely textbook introverts.

 

So, needless to say, I am terrified about how I am going to do without him. I am functioning pretty well three weeks in--things that need to get done are getting done, and I am very lucky that we had done all of our estate planning and gotten all of our ducks in a row and so there is very little I have to worry about right now.

 

Other than the prospect of living without the man who meant everything to me. I'm also without my mother since a few years ago, so I've gone from a life where I had everything exactly the way I would have wanted it to what feels like a smoking blast crater. I'm also one who tends to withdraw, so the friends buzzing about are making me anxious.

 

I'm trying to not think ahead, and just pay attention to what's in front of me, but that's generally not how this brain works. But I truly have no clue what my future will bring--we were getting ready to cut back on working, so my job doesn't really hold much interest (x2 given that we both worked there). Our hobbies were so intertwined, so it's hard to think about what I might throw myself into.

 

I believe I will be okay eventually, but for now I'm just bewildered and numb and guilty and so sad that we didn't get more time, while also so very thankful for the time we had together. That we managed to find each other was an amazing stroke of luck--we were just so perfect for each other, everyone has always said so.

 

That is my rambling hello. Thanks for being here.

 

 

[Wheelerswife]

So, needless to say, I am terrified about how I am going to do without him. I am functioning pretty well three weeks in--things that need to get done are getting done, and I am very lucky that we had done all of our estate planning and gotten all of our ducks in a row and so there is very little I have to worry about right now.

 

I'm trying to not think ahead, and just pay attention to what's in front of me, but that's generally not how this brain works. But I truly have no clue what my future will bring--we were getting ready to cut back on working, so my job doesn't really hold much interest (x2 given that we both worked there). Our hobbies were so intertwined, so it's hard to think about what I might throw myself into.

 

I believe I will be okay eventually, but for now I'm just bewildered and numb and guilty and so sad that we didn't get more time, while also so very thankful for the time we had together. That we managed to find each other was an amazing stroke of luck--we were just so perfect for each other, everyone has always said so.

 

That is my rambling hello. Thanks for being here.

 

I can relate to much of what you have said here.  I joined this club when I was 47 and renewed my membership when I was 51.

 

My first husband died after a long and protracted decline and we had all of our ducks in a row, too.  But I went from very busy to having so little to do...and that was hard.

 

It can be really hard not to focus on the future in the early weeks and months.  Somehow, we really want to know where life will go.  My experience is that I really could not have predicted the twists and turns that came.  No matter what, we still have to live in the here and now...and for those of us who don't have children to take care of, that often means that we sit with our aloneness quite a bit.  In my experience, that has been a necessary part of integrating the reality that he (well, they now) are really gone.

 

I'm glad you recognize that in time, you will be okay.  Life will be different...how could it not be?  Even though I knew this first hand because I had lost my first husband, it still wasn't very comforting after I lost my second husband.  So... don't worry if you can't convince yourself that those words are true.

 

It was an honor to have been the wife of my husbands.  I would do it all again, even knowing the outcomes.  Am I sad?  Very much so.  But I have to also be hopeful that life has more to offer that will bring me satisfaction and happiness.

 

Hugs,

 

Maureen 

[LynnJoyce]

I'm Lynn. I lost my dear David six year ago on 25 April, 2011.  He died of leukemia, 24 hours after his diagnosis.  He was 47 and it was shock.  He was my rock, my co-parent of my then 12 year old son and the mentor and advisor to my daughter, just entering college. He was such a good dad; though he wasn't their biological father, he so wanted to be a father and a husband.  We miss him every day. 

 

YWBB helped me through those first difficult years.  Now, looking at the anniversary coming up, I'm feeling the loss yet again. It's been a hard year for me, with breast cancer and several surgeries and having to tell people I'm fine, no, really!  Because you're not supposed to deal with stuff like this alone. But really, you have to, because people say things but don't really want to help.

 

There are things I want to do: find a better job, with less stress.  Find more friends and a happier life. Figure out how to happy, productive and engaged in creative work. And many days, I'm not sure if that's possible to find.  But I will keep looking.  Despair is the enemy and the deceiver.  Things do change; it's up to me to make sure I'm ready for the next thing.

 

Good to find this place again. Hope I can be helpful. ~Lynn

 

 

[Love2fish]

I am Love2Fish.  Loved one woman for 35 years.  That love arrived at the finish line almost 5 years ago. 

 

I am not a young widower chronologically speaking .  I am just a year shy of being an octogenarian.  But I am a young widower in ways that I value higher than how many times I’ve been around the sun.

 

DW and I had the blessing of a year to say goodbye and to realize what a good thing we had all along.  We did that year right.  We did not do every year of our marriage right but we got the last one so right that it made me a better person.  A transcendental experience.  As the year went by I had to take on more and more chores, then caregiving.  During the year I had the unexpected side effect of feeling my heart grow.  It grew three sizes that summer.  I had never in my life imagined that I could love someone that much.  It was such a nice surprise.

 

Who would not want that again?  I've spent LOTS of the last 4+ years dating (POF, Match, OKCupid, SeniorPeople…) .  Looking for the chance to do it all one more time.  The dating has paid off!  I am seeing a lady that I introduce as “my last girlfriend”.

 

I know that many of you, 10 or 20 years younger,  don’t think the terms “girlfriend” or “boyfriend” sound right at your age.  I think the terms are appropriate and accurate.  Young love is young love no matter what your age is.

 

 

[Lisa]

Thanks for posting. Welcome.

[KatieMO]

I'm KatieMO, I'm about six months out from when my husband passed in July 2016. We had only gotten married in 2013 so heh... it's been a bit much.

 

I'm a young widow, though not as young as most at 32 but still it's a bit of a whirlwind.

 

My husband Chris and I met in of all things World of Warcraft in 2010. Yes yes I know, I've heard all the chuckles before but it worked for us.

 

I lost him suddenly from a sub-dermal hematoma, no one knew he had been having brain bleeds over a period of time and ... the last one was it. There was no coming back from it.

 

I'm still panicky, anxious, depressed, utterly and hopelessly terrified about what is going to happen and have bad days and just... it was good to see that there are others out there who know this feeling.

[FaithOverFear]

Hello. I am SHerbster. My love of 30 years died suddenly at the age of 47. Going from a smile, a wink and an "I love you" to death before my eyes is just as heartbreaking today as that horrible day. It will be 2 years in July and I am beginning to feel myself going backwards in my grief, rather than continuing forward. I have hopes that this site will encourage me to continue this unwanted journey the best I can.

[Wheelerswife]

Welcome, SHerbster.

 

It is hard to lose our loves, eh?  I lost my second husband unexpectedly and my heart is broken, too.  Grief has a way of coming back and biting us in the butt sometimes.  We seem to get a grasp on the reality - we wrap our heads around the changes in our lives - we take steps forward - and then we find ourselves going backwards again.

 

We all have similarities as well as differences on this widow road.  I have been widowed twice and my experiences have been very different; but the one thing I know is that life does keep going in spite of our losses.  I have had to make changes I did not want to make to the life that I wished could have lasted forever.  There have been emotional upheavals along the way, but at the same time, I have persisted in getting myself re-engaged in the swirl around me.  I do it because the consequences of not living (sometimes it is just existing) are worse than what life would be like if I stayed in the hole.  I found happiness and a new direction after widowhood once and I am determined that I will find happiness again.  I do not want to live out the rest of my life with constant sadness and anxiety.  I'm not saying it is easy, but to me, it is necessary.  I am 3 years and 4 months out from losing my second husband.  I have taken an entirely different direction in my career and I am about to move to someplace new for a fresh start.  I know that the change will give me things to focus on besides loss. 

 

Sometimes, all we can do is put one foot in front of the other.  Eventually, we look back and see the progress we have made.  I needed to have very concrete ways to measure what I achieved.  I have 2 new degrees.  Each course, project, and semester was another step for me.  Every closet I emptied, every shelf I cleaned, every piece of paper I processed was another step.  Now...every job application is a step toward a new future.  Your situation is unique to you...perhaps you can make mental notes of what you have accomplished over the last almost 2 years and perhaps more notes on what you want to achieve in the coming months.  I often have to ruminate on what needs to get done for quite awhile before I can even get started.  For me...things did happen in time and what seemed impossible 2 years ago has been achieved, often with less effort that I expected because I eventually figured out when the time was right.

 

I'm rambling...I have a habit of doing that...but I wanted to welcome you and give you a virtual hug.  We get it here...you can say anything, really.  Read, post, vent, read some more.

 

Hang in there,

 

Maureen

[BrokenHeart2]

Welcome SHerbster to the group nobody wants to join and I'm glad you found us. 

One thing you may come to learn quickly is that Maureen claims to ramble when all we get is her wise comforting words. 

We are all so different in our grief but I'd like to let you know at 2 yrs I was a mess.  I too found it even harder and felt like I was starting all over again.  I wasn't, it just felt like that at the time.  Baby steps, sometimes you don't even notice them right away.  Be gentle with yourself and do what you can.  Sometimes it felt like 2 steps forward 1 step back and other times it felt like 10 steps back and over time that too changed. 

Come back, read, post if you want.  We're all so different with a common journey that I felt like I didn't feel so alone in what I was going through which allowed me to not feel so crazy.  How crazy was that statement? 

Gentle hugs to you.