Maybe there is only one....

[jgib]

It was the third anniversary on January 31st.  It was a bit of a rough one I have to say.  I suppose because I am not numb anymore.

I have become adept at being on my own.  Even like lots about it......but I still miss him so much. You all know about this I am sure.

It was an accident so he left for work in the morning and just never came home.

We, as a couple, fit so well on all levels.  Not perfect and I certainly have not put him on a pedestal, but we just fit.  I am not convinced that can happen again....

I have gone for coffee a couple of times.  It was pleasant but I am rusty at small talk and have never really 'dated'.  Maybe I am picky or just not ready. I still feel married, I was for almost 20 years.

The last man I talked to said 'three years!  It has been such a long time! What is the hold up?'  This got me thinking maybe there is only one for me and maybe I should just settle in and learn to be happy by myself.

[Wheelerswife]

Hi, Joan.

 

I think this is different for each of us.  I had my first husband for over 18 years, 17+ married.  Unexpectedly, I met my second husband 6 months later.  I remarried at 18 months out...and I was incredibly happy, even thought the sadness of the loss of my first husband (and my second husband's late wife, for him) was always present in the background.

 

I lost my second husband suddenly in his sleep just 20 days before you lost your husband.  So...it has been over 3 years for me, too.  I have scratched the surface at dating just a little bit, but I have not gone "there", either.  I have to believe that for me, at least, there will be another love that I will find when the conditions are right and I am ready.  I don't think that everyone wants that, but I do.  My second marriage was wonderful - everything I could have wanted and then some.  I miss him terribly, but I know he is gone and that the life we had is gone as well. 

 

You may be able to be happy by yourself.  I don't think that is a bad approach to take, since you (well, we) are by ourselves now and it makes more sense to me to make the most out of life.  Grab onto what makes you feel happy...friends, family, career, hobbies, travel, exercise, meditation, reading, learning a new skill.  Perhaps along the way you will find more things that are good in life, and happiness will find you.

 

Hugs,

 

Maureen

[Mizpah]

We just explored this over in a different section.  Check it out - http://widda.org/index.php/topic,3070.0.html

 

I put my opinion there, but I will say here that DH and I fit the way you describe - it was just right.  I'm in a relationship.  I wouldn't say we fit the way DH and I did.  It's different.  In most ways, it's harder.  But I don't love him less.  I don't adore him less.  I don't think lesser of him or our very different connection (even though our connection isn't as connected, if that makes sense - a lesser connection that isn't lesser). 

 

As for that commentator you met for coffee who asked out the holdup.... Uh, yuck!  You may not be ready, or you may just be out of practice, or maybe you'd be ready for the right thing that came along, and it hasn't yet.  ALL of us, whether we plan or hope to "recouple" or not should learn to be happy on our own first.  I was lucky to not find NG until I had gotten to that place, where I enjoyed where I was in life, my decisions and habits and "path," even after losing DH and that was never going to be ok, but *I* was ok nevertheless, even on my own. 

[tybec]

It was an accident so he left for work in the morning and just never came home.

We, as a couple, fit so well on all levels.  Not perfect and I certainly have not put him on a pedestal, but we just fit.  I am not convinced that can happen again....

I have gone for coffee a couple of times.  It was pleasant but I am rusty at small talk and have never really 'dated'.  Maybe I am picky or just not ready. I still feel married, I was for almost 20 years.

 

Same story.  21 yrs. married, 28 together since high school.  Never considered any other.  He left for work and had an accident and never came home.  We worked despite we really should not have, but it did.  I thought I would never be interested in anyone else.  I had it all.  What a blessing!  And why not just be thankful! 

 

But it took 4 plus years, and something changed in me.  My elderly mother even stated she did not want me alone.  I was still young.  So, it happened.  NG and I are 14 months dating, committed and figuring out how to blend our lives. 

 

What works for you and your path is yours.  But, I was ready to be alone, and I am not.  Strange world that it is.

[Portside]

 

This got me thinking maybe there is only one for me and maybe I should just settle in and learn to be happy by myself.

 

 

Those two ideas are not mutually exclusive. I had better luck dating after I learned to be happy by myself. Once that happened, I relaxed a ton and dates were more alot more fun.

 

I eventually found my new love and life is grand. If that is what you want, it's out there for you.

 

Good luck - Mike

[jgib]

Thank you everyone.  It is so nice hearing others thoughts and experiences.

 

Thanks for the link Mizpah, I will check it out.

 

I wonder sometimes if part of my reluctance is just not wanting to go through this again.  If I am lucky enough to find another special person that I 'fit' with, will the thoughts always be lurking......if that can happen twice, so can the other......

[Mizpah]

And that reality DOES come up.  For me, every time NG is late and hasn't warned me ahead of time.  In thinking about wills and health proxies, etc.  I think we've lost that innocence.  Also, for women, statistics seem to indicate that on average, we'll end up outliving our partner.  But I think the benefits outweigh the risks, or even the potential certainties....

[fairlanegirl]

And that reality DOES come up.  For me, every time NG is late and hasn't warned me ahead of time.  In thinking about wills and health proxies, etc.  I think we've lost that innocence. 

Yes. He went out cycling and never came home. Now with my new bloke, I start to worry, whereas before I was the least anxious person ever. The lost innocence resonates very much with me.

[Trying]

There is definitely the fear of it happening again.  Fiancé recently was having some issues and had a colonoscopy at the same place DH had so many and where he was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer.  My anxiety was through the roof.  But for me too, the benefits of being in a loving relationship outweighs the risk of another loss.

[Bunny]

I wonder sometimes if part of my reluctance is just not wanting to go through this again.  If I am lucky enough to find another special person that I 'fit' with, will the thoughts always be lurking......if that can happen twice, so can the other......

 

When I first started hanging out with my bf, I told him I had zero intention of ever giving another man the power to hurt me that much ever again. The thought of being in love again was horrifying to me. But...he fell pretty much effortlessly into my lap and we got along so well... eventually I agreed to give it a try. Recently, I noticed I'd finally stopped checking to see if he was still breathing whenever he slept too quietly beside me. And it does takes me a longer time to start freaking out when he is later than expected.

 

I admit I'm a more anxious partner in widowhood. But the happiness he brought back into my life-- it was a drug I could not give up, even knowing he's probably just gonna die on me eventually.

 

 

[Mrs Reader]

Thanks SunshineFL. Maybe I should start washing my hair every morning after all  :

[jgib]

Thank you for sharing SunshineFL.  It is nice to hear the journey of others.  It truly is helpful.

 

I actually am at the stage that I am comfortable with just me.  I suffered a lot of loss before DH.  Lost my dad, 6 months later my oldest sister (and best friend) and her husband, a year after that my mother and less then a year my husband.  I can tell you it is not something you get better at with practice......

 

For the first time in a long time I am just me....not daughter, not girl friend, not wife.....just me.  It has been nice to get to know me again.  There is much of this I would not have been able to write about at an earlier stage in this process. 

 

I have always been a bit outside the realm of 'normal'.  Not good at flirting, fiercely independent (which hubby admired), handy, an introvert and honest.  I am lucky in so many ways.

The men I have met with seem to want something much quicker then I am willing to do, on many levels! .  Truly I have not made it past a first meeting, sometimes my choice , sometimes theirs.  I have met with 6 and one I have formed an amazing friendship with, just no hubba hubba on both our parts!  Lol. These experiences are what prompted me to do this post.

 

So, I like not answering to anyone, setting my own day, not cleaning up anyone else's mess (I don't have kids), things go how I want.  But I miss so much of the other part of being a couple.

 

I certainly appreciate how open and honest others are on this forum.  We are each on our own journey but it has certainly helped me to see how other ones have unfolded.

[Guest nonesuch]

There is a thread for those who have decided not to re-couple. 

 

I was over 50 when my husband died.  I realized many men my age were never going to commit to anyone, or were already in relationships.  I adopted the attitude that I might never find someone, but I was going to look.