Overwhelmed - venting

[sdarrah1130]

Hi all, I am mainly here to vent. 

 

NG (widower also) and I have been together for almost 3 years.  We have been engaged for almost 2 and living under same roof for 1.5.   I have 4 to be step daughters with one already living at college and another one off in a couple weeks.   BTW, I have NO children if my own.  

 

I have been so overwhelmed lately.  I am feeling like I am strictly there to cook, clean and whoopie.  I don't know how to broach this subject without hurting anyone in the process.  I feel like cooking is an absolute chore as the DD are mostly picky and we eat like 4 things.  I have tried to broaden the horizons w NG and DD but am met with "eww, I don't like that and I have tried it before."  I feel like I am stuck w prep and clean up.  I LOVE to cook and when i cook stuff they like, I am met w that was great and thank yous all over.   I just get so frustrated w the fact that I know I am the one who is going to have to clean up the kitchen, put the food away and empty/fill the dishwasher. 

 

Cleaning......UGH. we live in approx 2,400 sq foot house w a fully finished basement.  That is A LOT of house for one person.  Right now, I feel like the place is absolutely disgusting.   The girls will randomly do the kitchen, clean off the bar area and vaccuum.   I haven't even had the motivation to clean as the task is soooo overwhelming knowing I will be doing 99% myself.  Carpets need cleaning, bathrooms, dusting, floors washed.  Even typing it is overwhelming.   Again, I don't know how to breach the subject without being snarky, defensive and accusatory.   I so want to cry right now.  

 

I am so unhappy right now.  I want to run away and hide for a while.   DH and I always worked as a team.  He would dust while I clean the bathroom.  He would vacuum while I wash windows.  I am not used to doing it by myself.  NG always says we are in this together but I feel so alone.    

 

When it comes to whoopie lately, it has gotten to the routine stage.  Same thing 89% of the time.  That is when it happens.  I think it's me.   I just want to crawl in and shut away the world.  I get flack about how it's not like it used to be Or that  it never happens.  

 

I feel like I need a break from everything/everyone but dont know how to explain it without freak outs.  

 

Sorry to ramble on and vent.  I have so much more but I can't fit it all in or it would be a 7 page post.  So many things in my head. Sooo overwhelmed by everything right now. 

 

Thank you for listening.  Sweetface if you are on here (I don't hink you are)  and reading this, I needed an non partial venting space. 

 

Thanks

[Julester3]

You need a family meeting. You've already integrated and the kids seem old enough that they can do more than they are already doing. You went from no kids to kids and that is hard transition no matter how old they happen to be but you should not be a slave. You have classic overworked mom syndrome. I have been there and it sucks and you get bitter and angry. The only thing to do is have a family meeting and let them know you are overwhelmed and need help. It's for the good of the family unit and you have become a family unit because you are already integrated. 

 

For those picky eaters, have them make dinner once a week. For chores, divide and conquer. Rotate chores that people detest so it's fair. You should not be so miserable in your own home and these girl are old enough to help. 

 

Hugs and good luck. Vent as much as you need to! 

[Portside]

Wow. There is loads going on here and Julester3's advice is great but I think missing one component. Namely, NG. Nothing will change as long as NG does not see the issues and leans on his daughters to make changes for the increased happiness of all. Before a family meeting with all, have a heart to heart with NG. He absolutely must be on board with the changes needed because he must be the heavy when it comes time to dish out the incentives to change. If he isn't, you will be hated by the girls.  

 

Regarding the food - I grew up in a family of ten. Every meal had at least one person that did not like (or eat) what Mom prepared. Tough shit. "You don't have to eat what I made, but I'm not making anything else." was heard many times throughout my childhood. As J. said, if the girls can help cook once or twice a week that would be great.  

 

Chores - assign them out and make it stick. If you have to use a club to get them done, use the club.

 

Speaking of the club, the cell phone has become the primary currency of the universe these days. Be prepared to kill the service/take away the phone as necessary. It is the most impactful thing a parent can do. Children, of all ages, feel their life is over without a phone.

 

Good luck - this will take some doing and I know you are wrung out. Hang in there and stick to your guns - but, above all, work to gain the support of NG for all of this. That really is key.

 

Best wishes - Mike

Edited August 6, 2018 by Portside
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[trying2breathe]

sdarrah   I'd be frustrated too, any chance you can get away for a few days?  Agree with portside that talking with NG first is important, the kids may resent any changes that you try to make.  A pattern has been set and the family is happily relying on you to take care of theirs and the household's needs.  It will taking some unwinding to undo this pattern.   My kids are away at school much of the year, but I do remember the feeling of being overwhelmed with household responsibilities and little help.

As members of a household everybody should have a responsibility to help out.  What helped for me:  chore assignments (age appropriate) and posting it if necessary, taking turns with the shopping and cooking,  and a fun family treat/outing when chores do get done. I do agree on preparing one meal only, you're not a short order cook.   Just getting the conversation going can help, and of course having NG on board with this first is important.  I'd also ask for contributions towards hiring an occasional housekeeper if needed - you can't and shouldn't do it all.  

Hope it gets better, hang in there.  Keep us posted.  

[Captains wife]

I'm glad you vented. That would make me crazy, literally. Get NG fully involved and onboard to make changes. Make a chores chart. Ask NG to pay for a cleaning lady to help if he isn't willing to/cant help out with the house upkeep for some reason. Its important you have some "me" time and be appreciated for all your efforts. These people sound old enough and are capable of taking care of themselves so if you really need space, take it (before you become too resentful) - even a day off to have fun ! Its important.....

[Abitlost]

I can see how adjusting to an instant family would be challenging on a number of levels, household tasks included. 

 

I saw this chore worksheet in the August issue of "Real Simple": 

 

https://www.realsimple.com/choreworksheet

 

Maybe you could do the activity with NG and his four girls so they can see how much responsibility falls onto you, and then ask them to choose areas they are willing to up their game?

 

I'm also a fan of hiring a cleaning crew, even if it's just monthly for a deep clean.

 

abl

[sudnlysngl]

8 hours ago, sdarrah1130 said:

 

 

Thank you for listening.  Sweetface if you are on here (I don't hink you are)  and reading this, I needed an non partial venting space. 

 

Thanks

Vent away, we all need to. Everyone here gave some GREAT advice, 

and we wont make you cook and clean unless you want to😊

Edited August 6, 2018 by sudnlysngl
forgot something

[Bunny]

I’m glad you decided to vent because you sound depressed- I know when I get into a depression how hopeless and helpless I feel about everything. The longer you wait to address this, the less energy you’ll have- apathy is setting in and it’s no wonder since it is currently your only means of escaping your frustration. 

 

It’s unfortunate that a lot of men just don’t understand the connection between a woman’s emotional happiness and the frequency of her wanting/being-enthusiastic-about sex. If they did, they would come home from a long day of work and happily get straight to helping with the cooking and cleaning! 

 

I’m sure none of them mean to be thoughtless and selfish, but it doesn’t change the fact that they all are. Of course, they’re all pleased with the current situation- who wouldn’t love to have a live-in maid so they didn’t have to do anything? The sad truth of the matter is that the bulk of household chores still falls unfairly onto the woman’s shoulders and somehow we think we’re being whiny (or are accused of it) when we complain. This seems especially true when a man makes more money than his partner. You were lucky your late husband understood all this, this current one is going to require some training on the subject. And I’m guessing it will not be quickly resolved so you are going to have to use your words many time- but don’t give it, you already see what lies in that direction. If you need a therapist to help you, get one- your mental health is important! 

 

I’m also childless, so I can only vaguely imagine how completely overwhelming it must be to suddenly have a house filled to the brim. It is definitely time to start that chore chart, with your husband bringing it up to the kids AND participating in said chores. I would start with everyone being in charge of their own laundry (including him), weekly sharing the cooking/cleaning up afterwards (including him)- and one meal only!!! This is not cruel- if need be, always have snacks available for those not wanting to share the meal. 

 

He needs to show you he has your back, that you are indeed a team, that he truly sees you and what you’re up against. But you have to tell him and give him a chance!  I certainly wouldn’t get married until this is resolved. I have a friend in a similar situation and I can assure you a ring on her hand only ramped up her frustration!  

[Mizpah]

20 hours ago, Portside said:

 I think missing one component. Namely, NG. Nothing will change as long as NG does not see the issues

This situation sounds really unfair and like you're being taken advantage of, and like he's kinda passively surrendering partnership/adult responsibility.  I think you need to talk to him and communicate your expectation that household work will be shared, a team thing.  

[calimom]

13 hours ago, Mizpah said:

This situation sounds really unfair and like you're being taken advantage of, and like he's kinda passively surrendering partnership/adult responsibility.  I think you need to talk to him and communicate your expectation that household work will be shared, a team thing.  

 

Ditto this. Sweetface may be a wonderful man, but active parenting, shared responsibilities and understanding his partner's physical needs and emotions do not seem to be among his many qualities. There are many good suggestions here, but my wish for you would be to check into a spa so that the 4 fully capable young women would learn to feed themselves, clean up after themselves, and Sweetface could …pleasure himself (I was going to use another term but, propriety and all) and then decide how the 6 of you would be able to move forward in a more civilized fashion. It's attainable if everyone buys into it.

 

Take care of YOU, OP. You deserve it and need it.

 

 

[SadSue]

As said before by others, speak to NG and then call a family meeting.  They are all capable of helping out.  Assign chores, let them cook something each week, but you only cook one thing. That is why they make peanut butter and jelly. Trying to please everyone all of the time only leads to resentment and dissatisfaction within your relationship. In the long run, I think the children and the NG will understand the need for change, as you will become much more than a housekeeper and a cook. Your needs are as important as anyone else's in the family. Good luck.

[soloact]

sdarrah, reading your post made me tired, frustrated and thinking of running away from home. I live here alone and wanted to run away! 

 

Glad you posted. You need a ton of support. Talk to NG. They are his adults so he's the one to address the helplessness on their/his part.  Let him know what changes need to be made. It's important that he understand. The pattern is set so he may genuinely not understand what adjustments need be made unless you make it very clear.  

 

If you enjoy cooking do so when the spirit moves you. Cook what you want to cook. Kitchens are equal opportunity areas. Any family member is free to prepare whatever they prefer. Not your job. Same for all the household chores. Not your job. Looking into a cleaning service may help with the deep cleaning at the very least. 

 

Keep an overnight bag packed in case you need a quick break. Something's gotta give. 

 

Good luck and please post back to let us know how you are doing. 

 

 

[Trying]

I understand so well how challenging blending and building a phase 2 relationship can be and I can hear you are reaching the end of your rope.

 

I agree that NG is the one you need to talk to and the assigning of chores needs to be done by him.  I can't imagine going from no children to a house full of them, set in their ways with no input from you.  

 

Chores need to be divided and assigned with clear consequences if not completed.

meal planning with picky eaters is awful, if someone doesn't like what's on the menu and doesn't want to cook too bad! They can heat up left overs

Women and Sex...it won't happen if we don't feel respected or we are overwhelmed with uneven division of household responsibilities.  Nothing is sexier than a man who does the dishes without being asked, if he puts some music on and dances around while doing them, even better!

Being thrown into an instant family must be incredibly stressful!  You need some time just for yourself.  Make every Thursday night a night you go out with girlfriends, go to the gym, take a class, go shopping or whatever refuels you.  That can be the night the girls plan and cook dinner and you don't have to eat it or clean it up!

Make sure you and NG get date nights and a weekend away regularly to recharge your relationship.  We plan a weekend or an overnight away at least every other month.  Hotel sex is much hotter than home sex with a houseful of kids!

 

The biggest thing is to not allow the resentment to build so much that you reach this breaking point.  Communicate and give him a chance to voice his needs too so you can avoid the nagging or the inevitable blow up.

 

[Sugarbell]

NO. Just no. 

 

Sweetface may love you..but they are taking advantage or at the very least taking advantage of you. 

 

I delegate chores to my preteen/teens..my bio kids. At times I can be a drill sergeant..This is just bullshit-the kids need to get off their asses and help. It needs to come from NG not you. You both need a major sit down discussion just the two of you. Then bring the kids into it with him leading the way. 

 

Sorry this just just makes me angry. I hope things improve..and yes take a spa day...leave their dirty dishes and mess. (I know it’s tough to do but they will get the point) Hell fake an illness for 48 hours and make them do all you do. 

 

You are not a doormat. 

[sudnlysngl]

11 hours ago, Sugarbell said:

You are not a doormat. 

You get what you allow! So yeah you are a doormat if you let yourself be a doormat!  Just saying... Be the change you want!

[SadSue]

Sadarra, I don't feel you are in anyway a doormat.  You probably feel the need to try to make everyone happy, without rocking the boat( a people pleaser ). There is nothing wrong with that if it makes you happy doing it, but that doesn't seem to be the case. So now it is time to rock that boat.  Talk to your guy, because if you don't then the resentment you feel could totally ruin your relationship.  Your needs are just as important as anyone else's are. You and he will need to show a united front to the children, so they know things need to change. Chores could be rotated and depending on ages, let them cook one or two days a week, or whatever it takes to make you happy. As a people pleaser most of my life, I had to learn to say no and step back sometimes even when I was afraid of the consequences of doing so. But it made me a happier better person in the long run, and made others around me happier. Strange how that happens. So make a date night to talk about what you need to achieve happiness in your situation. Go to dinner or a walk in a park, but away from the house and disturbances of any kind...I wish you success and happiness...