Friends, Where Did They Go To?

[Mac]

So many of our friends, where did they go? I knew that it "came with the territory" so I did expect it to happen. And indeed it did. It did take a while for me to accept it and to stop putting any energy into staying in touch with friends who don't share that mutual interest anymore. Grateful for my new friends. Grateful my BIL who has proved himself to be such an incredible friend in my new life.

 

The Jayhawks - Blue

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-dYHZhqD6g0

 

[Lmsmdm]

I didn't believe I would suffer from the change in address book. Ha ha ha how naive I was. However, I'm good with who's in my life  8)

[Guest Lost35]

I lost a lot of friends because of the occupation P. was in and because I was pregnant.  My old life and my new were literally unrecognizable to myself and to anyone I had known.  Either they found it too hard to see me or I couldn't see them.  Then I moved twice...

 

I have to say I'm reaching a wall in terms of making new friends.  I'm social, and easy-going, and my house is a pretty great place to spend time, but there are only so many couples who need a wid-mamma friend and so many good friends are in that transient, kids- aren't-committed-to-grade-school-yet mentality that a lot are making moves away.  I think I'm a bit fatigued at the moment.  Putting energy into relationships when the base connection has been lost is quite an effort.  I get this.  Finding new friends who are okay with me being an only parent is sometimes just as much effort.    I am grateful to have maintained the friendships I did.  They mean a great deal as I know they have stood the test of turmoil. 

 

I'm looking forward to new friendships, but am probably not as willing to work so hard for them.  This should be interesting...   I'm glad your BIL has come forward in your life.  That is a great thing.

 

-L.

 

 

[Gabzmom]

I think for the most part, I have stayed close to the people that were close to me before Rob.  I think it was hard for the couples to include me.  However, I have so many obligations because of work and community activities that I went to either alone, with Rob, or with my daughter that my community and work stuff is still the same.  I would go to Girls' night out events with my married friends and that was fine. 

 

I have a tendency to need a break from everyone and spend a little time alone. 

[JacklessSally]

I lost a lot of friends, but could be because of my age. Loss at any age is hard to fathom, when most of your friends are around 25, I think it is harder for them to swallow than if we were in our 30s-40s.

[Guest littlebirdie]

The only people left in my life at this point are family and a few friends that are mostly made up of widows I've gotten to know from this group. Every single one of our friends from before have disappeared. A few of them I really made an effort with, but many of them I did not. Sometimes I miss them, but mostly I'm fine with them not being around.

 

I don't really fault them, I guess. I'm so different now, and not every friend is meant to be in your life forever. Sometimes you just outgrow people.

[gracelet]

I lost every single mutual friend of mine and Elle's bar one because they blamed me for her suicide, at least in the early stages,  I'm not going to tolerate such cruelty.  That one person to stick around is the last person to have seen Elle alive and I think both of us find it massively helpful and healing having one another in our lives still. 

 

Those friends who stuck by me are people who were originally "my" friends before Elle and I met.  The friends I've gained are either widowed or have lost someone to suicide.  There are also people who were acquaintances in the past who, bless them, have welcomed me into their folds.

 

In a way, it's a good thing for me to have a cull at such a young age because at least I don't waste another few decades figuring it out, but it still sucks thinking that I neglected some of my personal friendships and just merged into a couple, going out with her friends.

[Carey]

I have to admit this is still a phenomenon that makes me go 

 

I lost my BEST friend 5 days after Chad died.  She wasn't there for me when I needed, when she SAID she would be and I was just out of my mind enough to let her know it and I have never seen or spoken to her again.  MANY friends from high school were quick to respond in those immediate days and I did expect them to fall off. I did not expect one of them to step up and become my lifeline and my very best very only friend.  I also did not expect my family to bolt the way they have. I did have to move, but I still live in the same county for crying out loud. I might be 20 minutes away. You'd think it was 2000. And I'm still just scratching my head over there. Do we have cooties?

[Captains wife]

Yes...I also experienced the same.."flee from the scene",

 

After my husband died suddenly, a number of people that came to our wedding (who knew the news) didn't even contact me as they didn't know what to say. Others just drifted off, and couples in particular. And this was at a time when I had moved to a new neighborhood and was alone with a 9 month old in the suburbs and didn't know anyone local. For a long time, I was angry, really angry about this. But now, I have let that anger go - I realized that some people couldn't deal with his death, others were just clueless and others just too busy in their own lives. So I just needed to transform my life - I purposely let go of some "friends" and realized that chapter in my life was closed, with others we kind of mended the relationship and, most importantly, I just started fresh with building new friendships that were local (widow and non widow). None of this is easy as we get older in life but I am happy to move on from it. Its sad that others cant be more understanding but there you have it. I realized that many  (couples in particular) couldn't identify with me after the accident.

 

 

 

[Mangomom]

At almost 2-? years out, I am a shadow of the person I was when Bruno died. I still am friends with many of them, but I don't need them like I use to. And they most times just can't relate. I posted in another thread that it seems my close friends are now the other broken or hurt people who are different because of their situation. They have much more compassion and understanding because they have evolved as well.

[Sandi1970]

After going through old ywbb posts, I don't care they weren't worth it as true friends then. I/we had/have a lot of friends. I've always been very social and outgoing. Rereading some old posts reminded me of how many people were jealous of me! It shook me to the core in some instances and in the past week it has really helped me realize the steps I've taken in my life, have in fact given me such a new lease on life for the better! I lost a lot of dead weight baggage holding me down. Now that I've re embraced life, opened my heart to my new guy and moved across the country together, things are so much better in prospective. It took ywbb closing down for me to go back and get the big picture! I wish no one the pain that we experienced but some people really have no clue the garbage they speak to us. I spoke on the phone today to my BFF and I explained it as we add more and more friends to our "pond" the waters get mucky and cloudy but the true ones shine even brighter, like diamonds and other precious gems. She liked that and she is a diamond of course

Sandi

[HowardZen]

I don't think it is just them, I believe it is us as well.  We have changed.  We are not the friend that they knew either.  Most of my friends have tried and it helps that I throw a lot of parties.  But if I am honest, it is me that has pulled away from them.  I don't work that hard in fostering the friendship and don't really tell them what I need.  There is no way they are capable of giving me the depth that I need right now.  Only one person has ever been able to do that and now he is gone.  I find the changes sad, but just like any other changes in my life.  I will keep navigating through until I land in a comfortable place and hope a few friends are still here when I get there. Like you I have had some surprises, folks I didn't expect to continue on my journey.  My very best friend cannot handle my grief.  It is too painful for her and I don't have the energy to take care of her.  I still love her but our friendship will never be the same.  Nothing is permanent as we all know all too well. 

[Sugarbell]

It's like a big sociology experiment watching friends suddenly (or gradually ) drop all contact.

 

I have one friend...who I consider a real friend left from before widowhood.

 

Now....many old friends suddenly came back into my life after like 5 years..when I was "healed"..having fun, moving onward...

But they are no longer what I consider friends. I am nice...but do not confide, share, trust...These are people generally I see through kids stuff now. They are acquaintances to me but I am warm and open when we run into each other-But we do not socialize outside of kids. In my old life we did...I tried and reached out early on-when I needed them...I find them very boring and small minded now.

 

My new address book is mostly divorced, never married...a few new couple friends.

[Baylee627]

Where'd they go? Away!

 

Lol.

 

I lost most of my formerly close girlfriends after losing DH. Three of these friends I would have classified as closer than kinfolk. One of those three was my best friend.

 

The mass exodus embittered me enormously for months on end because I prize loyalty--both as the standard for myself, as well as others. Loyalty doesn't often equate to convenience. It's about being there alongside your friend even when it isn't.

 

My former best friend and I have mended fences, but I don't regard her as my BFF anymore. I am fond of her, but I'm a bit ambivalent or insouciant as to whether or not the friendship fizzles out again...meh. Too much has transpired, or maybe too much irreversible damage was incurred last year, I don't really know.

 

For me trust isn't a given, it's earned. Bottom line.

 

Baylee

[luvmy2babies]

For me, I stopped getting included with couples we were close to.  In looking for new friends, well...Single people already have established relationships and you feel like an invader.  I know I have to take some responsibility for this as I haven?t really worked to be social or anything.  Of course when I got the most invitations was the first year.  I?d had a baby and lost my husband.  I didn?t really feel like girls? night out.  It seems now people still treat me like I?m still in that stage and head the other way.  I?ve grown okay with it.  I hope to meet some new people somehow.  I have a friend (who is also my hairdresser) who has a daughter my age.  We have been friends since college and remain so.  I?m grateful for that.

 

Other than that, I tended to gravitate back to friends I had before dh.  The one thing I had always done was take my daughter to homecoming at my alma mater.  The first one after dh died (8 months after), we still went.  My son was 10 months old; so it wasn?t easy.  We had just gone to the 2nd floor in the dining hall for the band alumni luncheon when I heard my name.  It was some friends from college.  They?re married; but we have children similar in age (my son being the outlier).  So now we go to more games to meet up with them there.  The issue there is when it comes to other stuff they do for fun, they already had other people they do that stuff with and don?t think of us even after 5 years.  Although I can say one couple is making an effort with me to expand our relationship as our daughters (their 2 and my 1) miss each other when football isn?t going on.

 

Sometimes having a 5 year-old when others your age have teens and up is hard.  Some of my high school classmates are starting to have grandchildren.

 

[ieh21]

I have a different experience: a lot of people gathered around to shore me up in the first year after Joe's death. A lot of old friends his that I didn't really know very well when he was alive (frat brothers and the like). A lot of people who I knew well professionally who rallied and became closer in that period. This gave me the impression that I was part of a huge community of people who loved him and loved me. It was very soothing.

 

Now, five years on, a lot of these people are holiday card friends. There are few calls, few emails, few offers of going for a drink. It saddens me a lot because that whole community barely filled the void I was feeling then and I struggle with feelings of aloneness now. I still have friends, my close friends from before are still there. But they are a small number, and they aren't local to me and they have busy lives too. As do I, which means I am no longer as diligent in making plans with people, answering emails and doing the stuff that helped keep us all close.

 

I realise that what I was feeling in that first year was unnatural closeness to people who simply weren't really my friends. They were either suddenly close to me because they grieved their own loss of Joe and being with me helped, or they were good people who rally in a crisis but with whom I share very little in general. This was all very beneficial in that time. They are all wonderful for having been there in the crisis. But now, five years on, I feel very lonely and very dependent on my small core of friends.

[Catherine]

I would say I have all of "my" friends as have been friends with most of them since around 16.  I still speak to Phil's parents and sister regularly, but our mutual friends/Phil's friends not so much.  We don't have the same interests and I remember a few months ago I went round to someones house for tea (one of Phil's best friends, I know his girlfriend but we were never super close before) and I just couldn't join in the conversation!!

 

I think the hardest thing is when you first loose your partner, everyone is there constantly, calling you, texting, checking you are OK etc.  But then they get back to their life and move on, whereas for you, your partner WAS your life so you get left behind  :-\

[Mac]

I wrote this back in September:

 

"It's been a little over three years since Cindy passed. One of the hard parts of this "new life" is letting go of the past as it relates to many friends. It was so hard to accept at first and I certainly put energy into trying to keep those relationships. I'm grateful that with time I've been able to let it go and not to have resentment anymore (although I am still mildly irritated). It is what it is. I did know to expect it, but it was still hard to experience it.

Grateful for the friendships that remain and I am cultivating new ones."

 

I'm starting to have different feelings about this. Even the "(although I am still mildly irritated)" is gone. Now I'm actually feeling somewhat good about it. Some friends do remain from my "old life" but so many are gone. Perhaps it's a good thing. I feel like it is allowing me to focus and to discover more of my "new life."

[Guest TooSoon]

I'm definitely complicit in the loss of friends.  I made  a lot of excuses and put up barriers.  Experience has also taught me that there truly are people who simply cannot absorb one's widower status.  Some of my "friends" couldn't give me the time and space I needed; others did and I love them for it but their lives have happily moved on (and I am happy for them).  I keep trying but I always feel like exist in a shade of gray; at Trick or Treat I felt very much like "oh, yeah, that's my friend.  she doesn't have a husband, poor thing."  I'm probably the one making myself feel that way at this point but I am.  I am always that person at the parties and kid events without a spouse.  I accept this loneliness as part of my journey but I think it is one of the reasons I want to get out of suburbia and into the city where my singleness won't feel like my scarlet letter. 

 

My social circle is definitely smaller but it is also tighter.  There have been benefits to that over the long haul though admittedly it has been a painful adjustment.  Sometimes I marvel at who has stood by me.  It is not who I would have guessed would still be here.  It has humbled me.