Julester3

Happy New Year to you as well! I think I am still reluctant to make any resolutions or goals other than to be well and keep our family going strong. I guess it's better than nothing?

I can see your POV RyanAmysMom. My husband was very affectionate so I am really really missing the affection, the hugs, the kisses, the physical relationship, the conversations, the little things he did that made me feel pretty and special but the prospect of what I would have to do to get any of those things seems too much a price and effort that I'm willing to spend. I don't want to waste what energy I'm mustering on these things. I do my best to cherish what I had and then I use as much distraction as I can to keep the sadness at bay.

I am so sorry you have to be with us here but it will help you as it has been so helpful for so many of us here. I hope in the coming days you and your children can grieve in peace and have time to absorb the shock of the situation. It can be as hard for teenaged kids as much as young children. Unexpected loss is hard (my own husband died of a heart attack) in the way that we have so much unresolved because we were living our lives as usual and this happens with no warning. It's hard not to dwell on what could have been because those were our plans and dreams and in a single moment, it's gone, never to be the same. Hugs and peace for you today. Take it slow and give yourself time and space.

I had the same bittersweet feeling on NYE as well. I know that every day that I live, the longer it becomes since last I was with him. It's easy to get wrapped in the sorrow of it all but I survived the first holidays without him and that is huge. I did and with less sorrow than I would have originally predicted. Peace and hugs for you today.

I know these feelings all too well. I carry a lot of the same feelings. I too am coming closer to a year as well. Hugs to you today.

We left town for this past week right after Christmas to go visiting relatives. We go home tomorrow morning. We have never traveled out of Illinois for the holidays so this was our something different to get us by. Once we get settled back home, I think just movies and Chinese take out for me and my girls. In the past, my husband and I always threw a party. I honestly can't this year and I know my siblings have offered to hang out with us. Depends how our travel goes though. Traveling is tiring!

So sorry you are here wth us but glad you found us. I think the hurt and anger will take a while. Your in laws suck for using you so terribly and making your life hell. Sadly I think none of us can avoid some sort of conflict. I hope you can find the space to grieve and to find your peace. Take it easy as best as you can with little ones and don't let these evil negative people get to you. Hugs for today.

Thank you for sharing. This really resonated with me.

I am sorry you had to join us here and that you are having a terrible time. All you can do now is take it a day at a time, an hour at at a time, or a minute at a time. Whatever you need. Breathe and cut yourself some slack. Don't let it get to you when other people lay blame at your door. It's not your fault and you can't let those what if's get you because I think we all had strong minded partners who were stubborn, a little bit in denial. They were adults with their own minds and decision making. You can take a horse to water but you can't make it drink. All our nagging in the world couldn't have changed any of our fates. None of us could control our situations. Yes, it totally sucks. I tell my kids often, we never ever have to like it and it will always suck BUT we have to accept it. This phrase has helped us a lot to keep on moving forward. I hope this helps. Hugs for you this day.

Georgina, so sorry for your loss. I come from a Filipino family and though we have been In America for a long time, I understand the quirks of the culture. People in general can be as tactless as some Filipinos, I've experienced it. People have a insatiable curiosity so good sense goes out the window. Just take it a day at a time. Hugs!

I am sorry you are feeling that you are falling apart. It is a just a hard time of the year. I have to admit our first Christmas without Josh is bittersweet. He loved the holidays even though he was Jewish. We created our own holiday rituals and this year we are doing none of them because it's just too painful. The good news is we are doing okay with the changes we have decided to make. I hear you on missing the human contact. My husband was very affectionate so I feel so very cut off, isolated without his touch. Please don't sell yourself short. It sounds like though you have the pain ever present you are getting things accomplished and your daughter and household are doing well. Take the good and focus on that if you can. Hugs!

We understand all your feelings and what you are going through. I'm sorry you have to join us here but glad you will have virtual support any time of the day as you need it. Hugs for you today.

Can I say I don't like the holiday cards this year? I used to love to do cards but seeing other people with their newsletters and pictures and their "2016 was awesome!" It all turns me off. I am just placing them by a basket in the kitchen. I am not doing cards at all this year.

Grieving is tiring business. I have always been a very busy person, a true multi-tasker with several things going on from work, different volunteering ventures, and my own pet projects. It now takes all of my energy to run my household, work, and take care of my kids - never mind all the extra stuff I used to do for the holidays. My doctor wants to see me exercise more and I honestly don't have the energy for it still 8 months later. It's okay to let your children see you cry. They need to see that you are hurting and struggling too with your loss. Crying is a good release of collecting internal grief and I think it helps to get it out when you need to. I think what will scare the kids is if you are constantly crying. That will make them worry. What I did with the girls is talk about triggers and what sets me off. I kid you not, I nearly lost it in DSW a few days ago because the kids found hideous Hanukkah socks my DH would have loved to match his ugly Hanukkah sweater. I just gulped and turned away so I could control it. I didn't cry but I felt them wanting to spill. Kids are very sympathetic but you have to allow them to understand what's going through your head when you cry so it gives them less to worry about. Hope that helps. Hugs for today!

I don't look at it the same way and I make myself look at it positively as I can. When I witness instances or moments where people are sharing how they cared for Josh or I see a true testament of emotion, I don't see it as a thing to haunt me, rather I take as something to give me peace and proof that people cared and loved him as much as I do. I take comfort in that and I try to let it give me some strength. You have to try to find that silver lining and look for the glass is half full, not a gray cloud or a glass is half empty. It takes work and I sit constantly there trying to coach myself through this way of thinking.

One strong concept I have heard throughout our counseling sessions as we approached the holiday season and with talking to other widows/widowers real time: make it your own. Do what you feel is best and put yourself first. I struggled with this concept because I am and have always been a family centric person who'd always sacrifice my own wants and desires for the sake of family and tradition. Our whole holiday this year I've planned to be on our terms and we modified tradition to suit what we are comfortable with and to what my girls and I need. It feels liberating so far and it got us through Thanksgiving. I am confident it'll get us through the rest of the month.

It is hard but it helps to make those tiny daily goals and simply be content with them. Remind yourself that it is an accomplishment, plain and simple. It gives you something else to focus on other than that dark cloud that seems to follow us all every stinking day. I get complimented a lot that I'm doing well but I'm a good faker- when I am at work or out - I can get myself through but I usually do badly in the car or at home when I have time to reflect or simply think. Hugs all around today as we gear up for the holidays!

I think that is the real trick. We fall, we lay there for a while trying to decide what to do. But in the end, we do eventually get up....even if it's just to get a snack, a drink, or go to the bathroom. Then we could still decide to go back and lay back down a little more if we need to.

I think for me, I have an aversion to holiday cards. I used to love to send them. I am not sending them at all this year. We haven't much to share really - I don't have an uplifting newsletter, no one wants holiday pictures so I said screw it. I still got cards this year but people need to understand that I just can't reciprocate this year and most likely next year either. Sorry about the excessive gifting in your family. It took me about 5 years but I finally have been able to put a kabosh on adults getting gifts. We occasionally do a game, a share your favorite treat or some such but we really don't exchange gifts. We agreed it's best to keep it for the kids, focus on quality family time and visiting not piles of gifts we need to figure what to do with. The first year we replaced it with a game - bring a unisex hat one year, bring a gadget another year, bring a snack in a reusable container and then we'd white elephant it. Many people had a lot of fun with it. But as people get busy or have money issues or health problems, we'd simplify and do bring your favorite food obsession to share with everyone. We did that for 2 years. Since we lost Josh earlier this year, my siblings just want to focus on spending time with one another and dinner is a potluck effort - that will be our sharing part this year. I hear you about the holiday stuff at school. I too am lucky my kids are older so we only got his with holiday concerts in the evening - something a lot easier to do than the day activities. I think what the elementary schools do are getting to be excessive - all school activities, crafts galore, story times, themed dress up days. It's a lot on a single working parent!

I shoveled the driveway and sidewalk this morning and spent the afternoon/evening baking with Star Wars playing in the tv for white noise. The kids came and went to help once in awhile. Now I'm just chilling with Diet Coke and episode 5! Exciting stuff here!

You are not a failure. We all have not so great moments and we get to a point when our cups run over. You did good by rectifying the situation by talking to your son and giving your daughter that hug. They will have learned that sometimes you too are overwhelmed and this will happen. We are not perfect parents all of the time. It is good to have them see we have flaws too but that we can recognize when we did not handle the situation well and we will try to do better next time. Have a conversation with your son's teacher. Most teachers want the kids to be as successful as they can be and they will compromise with you. Hugs!

I did something similar. I didn't want to feel the pain anymore but I don't want to forget the love. I too got a tattoo on my left shoulder above my heart. It's for me and no one else. It did help transfer the pain at that time but sadly as we finish up our first year of firsts, other things dredge up the pain again. I think sense of purpose gets us by. Routine is tricky because my husband was very hands on as a father and husband and integrated into our daily life so we had to break our routines and traditions to help me and the kids cope better. I am hoping for time to do its job and soften the pain. I just wish we had a guideline of how long that could take because we all know there is no real answer to how long it can be.

All I have to say is ugh, ugh, ugh to these self centered, insensitive clueless people. I am amazed on how tactless people get. I had a divorced mom lump me in with her about some comment about us not having to deal with a husband anymore. Excuse me? I didn't want to get rid of him! I was happily married not on the way to a divorce! Again, insensitive and clueless people. Hugs and patience for having to deal with all of this!

I totally relate. I can't fathom loving anyone else as much as I love my husband. I feel cut off and isolated since he died because even though he was a quiet and reserved guy he was very affectionate. Hugs for you today!

One thing I learned from counseling is it's okay to declare what you can and cannot handle. You do not have to uphold your typical traditions after you lose a loved one unless you truly want to - you can alter anything to your wishes and it's absolutely fine! I had a hard time reconciling with that because I've always been a family-centric traditionalist trying to uphold ridiculous family expectations. I never necessarily do what I would naturally prefer to do but I have chosen to do what is expected of me. This is also our first Christmas without my husband and I refuse to pander to anyone. It's more important we learn to cope and get through this, not pacify a load of relatives who are used to getting what they expect. Josh was a part of every day life for us and he's was ripped from our lives with no warning. These relatives, he'd see or interact with 2-3 times a year at best. I know they can get along with their lives just fine with him gone. I see it on Facebook everyday but we still struggle every single day. We have found changing things around and doing something else has been good for us so we decided to keep on doing things that way.