canadiangirl

Right! Klim, I travelled a lot on my own in my 20s and 30s before I met my DH and pre-kid. I mostly stuck to Western Europe and North America, so relatively "safe" and "easy" destinations, but I also ventured to Peru on my own to visit Machu Picchu -joined up with a tour group to do this hike, but only organized this upon my arrival. I got a bit spoiled with my DH, who was a great travel companion, but who also let me plan out the entire itinerary at our various European destinations. I love travelling solo- I can stop where I wish, and tarry as long as I want at different places. No worries about someone else's comforts, pace or sensibilities. I would go to pubs (not bars, pubs) on my own and people would almost always strike up conversations- travelling on your own makes you approachable and not necessarily in a hit-on-you way. It helped that I would visit any friends that I might have in the city in question, but I too would bring books and music and organize some sort of photo or journal project for the trip. For safety's sake, in Peru I had a self-imposed curfew so ensured I had a book and had eaten by nightfall, but only because I didn't know the language and cities very well- I am sure it was not actually necessary. I have an especial fondness for cross-country road trips -that's how I met my DH. My cousin met her husband while travelling solo to Australia, another great destination. Travelling alone is different but rewarding. Hope you have something great in the works!

High five back, MamaZ! I don't think we are freaks of nature, although naturally in the minority I think (us all being "young" widow(er)s, it makes perfect sense that many wish to find or have found another life partner -heck, the not-so-young also understandably seek the same outcome). I'm glad you found this thread: giving a voice to those seeking a different path is why the mods pinned this post, I think. It IS a bit isolating. Myself, I don't have much time to socialize IRL period as my child is still young, and I only know one other young widow in my city, who will soon begin trying to date if she hasn't already (and she is awesome). I don't fear the empty nest either and am looking way in the future to my retirement already -big plans! It helps a lot to be interested and curious in life in general, I think. Although I miss my DH every day, and I still feel traumatized and exhausted, mostly I feel hamstrung and held back from living my best life by the necessity of having a secure job, not by not having a partner. If that makes sense.

MissingSquish, so sorry you are having to face this as well. RE: supplementing your income/part-time work, I am in the process of turning a hobby into a small (micro) eBay/Etsy business to generate needed extra income. While I've only made $800 so far (but this for me does help), I would be happy to check in with you privately for tips and progress. She's Canadian, so some tips make Canadian references (e.g. our RRSP vs your 401k) but I really like the financial writer Gail Vaz-Oxlade. She's no-nonsense and savvy. She has great budget resources on her website http://www.gailvazoxlade.com/, several good books on financial planning and has had at least 2 TV shows that I know about, Til Debt do us Part and Princess -the former show is available on Youtube and you may be able to watch the latter online unless it is blocked for American users: http://www.slice.ca/princess/video/ I have no personal or other affiliation with her, just have enjoyed learning from her over the years. I wish there were more financial planning courses offered through high schools, colleges and banks as a resource. The thread mrskro referred to on these boards has great ideas too, and I recently wrote this to still_lost, which was the result of research I had done to make extra money online: Here are some options I came up with a while ago, not sure if they still exist or jive with your skillset: Amazon Mechanical Tank-human intelligence tasks- HITS- test sites, take surveys etc; Conduit-create custom toolbars that when someone downloads, you get paid; Content sites- get paid for quality control e.g. Ehow, Brighthub, Constant-Content; MicroWorkers -tiny tasks e.g. sign up sites, dig articles, link sites; Fiverr- marketplace for $5 odd jobs; ChaCha- human powered search engine. Hope this helps.

geminigirl, I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. I hear your heartbreak and I get it, although I had warning, having lost my husband to cancer. For those families with children, the children are also robbed. We fashion a different life, but before we can even contemplate that, we can only take it one day, one hour, one minute in the early days. It's normal. You are not alone. Keep going. Thinking of you.

Hugs. IMHO (and non-professional opinion), it's the result of trauma. It's normal. Trauma has robbed me of resilience. Small and big, things that I used to be able to go with, overwhelm me. It happens. Totally agree with MrsD that it's hard to get out of survival mode, but you got this. Things are going to be great. I am very happy for you that there is finally resolution.

Hi tybec, I just wanted to weigh in to say that I am really sorry that this has happened to your MIL. If there are that many extended family members in her life, hopefully they can step up -that is not an unrealistic expectation, same with your own family with your own mom. My parents saw me take on the caregiver role when my husband was ill and they have stated categorically that they wish to be placed in assisted living when the time comes. I know that is a luxury for many so perhaps not feasible. But my own MIL is currently deteriorating rapidly from dementia and she is living with her single adult son and it is completely wrecking his life. He admits this. He may be doing the charitable thing, but it is a tremendous sacrifice, it is preventing him from finding his own partner and happiness, he is beyond exhausted, he feels resentment and, importantly, he is not equipped to meet her medical needs. This last point means her safety is compromised, as well as her quality of life, as in her case she is basically confined to their apartment due to the risk of wandering. I can empathize with fear, but I feel my MIL is being incredibly selfish -- she is one of those from a certain generation that believes that going to a seniors residence is akin to being shipped off to die by ungrateful children, when the reality is she is likely to outlive us all, and would have a much better social life and quality of care in assisted living. Just my two cents from my own life. It's okay to find a way to meet your own needs too. Good luck. ((tybec))

With you DonsWife. I am still spending a fortune on things that are truly beyond my reach and motivation, but...grouting and staining here. It took a couple of years of inaction on what would have been "his" tasks though. But they're done. Thanks Google.

Frederick, I remember you and your story and it is good to see you here. I am so sorry about the loss of your mother and the additional losses you have had to bear. Take care.

Well-handled by your kids - we also just try to roll right through those comments. Would have come up at some point, now it's out of the way? Hope it doesn't make life too uncomfortable at the new school--good luck with it, so glad you are out of Stepford!

Just wanted to say welcome Jack Burton, and 4maljaa, and I am so sorry for the loss of your partners. I am also a cancer widow - he lived 4.5 years after his diagnosis so the deterioration was slower, but it was hell nonetheless. Re: holidays abroad, I always smile to myself in a sardonic way when writers (often doctors) have the romantic idea that people diagnosed with terminal illnesses can have quality of life and go off and do some kind of "bucket list"-- our limited vacations tended to be interrupted by urgent hospital visits when he developed a fever or, in one case, when a bone broke as it was weakened by bone cancer, and it is beyond risky to travel outside of one's own country from a travel insurance perspective. We too have a young child and my husband did not want to acknowledge or talk about his imminent death, which I can understand, but it did make things more challenging. I really get the "mentally drained" aspect and I remember clearly the administrative work after his death which never seemed to end and felt insulting and bizarre at times- indeed, I still have some loose ends outstanding. Wishing you the best. You are not alone.

I was just thinking of this this a.m., thanks for sharing. And this, thank you GrahamsGirl. Hugs Jen. I hope your trip is wonderful and makes you feel alive and joyful.

Dear SK, I am sorry for the loss of your Bruce and for today's sadiversary. I wanted to write to tell you that many widows I have seen here on the boards for the last couple of years (I am 2.5+ years out) experience numbness and shock for the first 6 months or so, and then things do sometimes get worse after that before they get better, once the shock and initial craziness wear off somewhat. Entirely NORMAL, and I loved what Kater said about our outward selves changing to reflect our inner change so people might have a clearer picture. I often also think the world expects the grieving and "get better" process to look like a linear, upwardly sloping line graph when we know it can resemble something more like a vortex. For some people, not all. We have a sad thing in common but the experience reflects the diversity of the membership in this sad club. Thinking of you today.

Just echoing what Trying said. I am so sorry TooSoon, and vent away. What not all privileged people IRL realize is the tremendous additional effort it requires to get a promotion (hell, even go to work for some of us) amidst personal chaos. You have overcome great adversity and were and are still there for your students and delivering innovation that other universities and professional environments would kill for. The fact the administration cannot see it is mind-boggling and I can see the great insult managing people who are paid more (WTF). I imagine you are already working on a gradual exit plan--the situation would be untenable for me as well-in my sector there are rules about that salary situation that prevent it from transpiring. It's not right that you have to plan again and leave, but hopefully other great opportunities will arise where you can shine again and be appreciated. It's amazing to me how some widows here get kicked and kicked again by fate -it's effing unfair (yeah yeah, I know that life is not fair, we all do, it brought us here). Sending solidarity and support.

I get it. And I hate those FB memories! they do put me back in time and looking back always hurts. I can't even look at them, which is sad (and also a mindfuckery), because many are of our small one, but it was such a fraught time. I was speaking to another young widow recently, and we were reflecting that even when we don't mark actual dates, the body remembers. I truly believe this--I feel again that anxiety, that stress. I hope we do cease to be in the grip of those markers some day. Our own wedding anniversary is in a few days, and it still takes my breath away that I will forever be the only one to care about it or mark it. Courage and hugs for the month ahead, hikermom.

Still_lost, solidarity. Like JeanGenie said, no need to apologize for how you feel. Things are a grind right now and I do not have the same financial pressures as you do. If you are like me, you are exhausted and have little time, energy or motivation. I don't know why it is so hard to find work from home employment, but addressing that I did want to share with you ways that I hope to diversify/supplement my day job income on the computer once my child is older or I have more energy. Here are some options I came up with a while ago, not sure if they still exist or jive with your skillset: Amazon Mechanical Tank-human intelligence tasks- HITS- test sites, take surveys etc; Conduit-create custom toolbars that when someone downloads, you get paid; Content sites- get paid for quality control e.g. Ehow, Brighthub, Constant-Content; MicroWorkers -tiny tasks e.g. sign up sites, dig articles, link sites; Fiverr- marketplace for $5 odd jobs; ChaCha- human powered search engine. I am trying to set up Etsy and eBay side businesses to generate some grocery/camp funds. I hope this is of interest to you. I don't know when you will get a break. But I hope you will get one, to get a chance to rest/catch your breath. All the best.

So sorry to hear about this Trying. I join you in the "Fuck Cancer" sentiment. It's too much. I hope the visit yesterday went okay. You got this. Wish you didn't have to.

Hi Ruth, I just wanted to let you know I read your post and I get it. I haven't attended any weddings but new family babies have been born since my husband's death and it has been bittersweet (emphasis on sweet, but still...). I am really sorry that the numbness has worn off and that you are feeling isolated as the feelings rush in. That's the worst. i am not sure if you are looking for advice, but I do think it's one of those times where you fake it til you make it at the ceremony/reception itself (editing to add totally agree with posters below re: do not deny feelings in general, and in private face them and do not beat yourself up, whatever happens). I think it's wonderful that you are going, and of course wedding ceremonies are a perfectly safe place to cry--it might even be cathartic as long as you can fly under the radar with it! I wish you courage, and I hope it in fact is not overwhelming and if not fun, at least supporting your friends is something good. Good luck today.

Hi lovelorne, no not really, in the sense that I don't believe grief is a finite pool of sadness that you can dip into beforehand and decrease the overall volume, somehow lessening the impact after the person's death. My DH died after 4.5 years battling cancer. He never ever accepted that the end was coming and fought to the very end, so that would have affected any "anticipatory" grief. ITA with Wheelerswife that you can prepare yourself somewhat for the end, but you cannot prepare for them being dead. I never once felt any relief after he was dead, and the grief was raw on top of the exhaustion of caregiving. So if there had ever been any anticipatory grieving, it sure did not ease the way, much as Dahlia has put it.

Marian53, I am glad they were able to save him. I am so sorry you both are going through this, and I hope he finds help. I am also sorry to hear about the illness of your best friend. It's all too much.

DO NO HARM. Do NOT offer unsolicited advice. Let people vent without judgement, as long as they are not engaging in hate speech (see DO NO HARM above). Why is that so hard to understand? Could these please be basic rules for this board? I read and valued the original post -the OP has many articulate posts. I had the intent to reply privately and will still try to do so. I also did not feel this was a safe enough place to post my honest reply. So predictable. I know the intent is good, and I value this long-time member, but it is time for a reconsideration of how and when this type of unsought "tough love" intervention is appropriate (in my opinion, never, if it does not follow the basic rules above). It is supremely patronizing - we are adults here- this is not the office of a shrink, no one here needs life coaching from anonymous strangers and we are not each other's keepers or parents. Who a person is on the board is not necessarily who s/he is in real life and our emotions can change from day to day. We all suck it up. This has to be a safe place to speak honestly.

Hey MrsT85, just wanted to say that I also read every word and you are heard. I can totally see that you would be so hurt that his family will not attend next week, even though you also can get it. I really agree with this: "For the first time though, it made this thought pop to mind – trying to hold on to the people and things that used to make me the happiest I’ve ever been is now having the opposite effect." I honestly think we can't go back. Every time I have attempted this, it has backfired. It is never the same. I too am watching the ties with his family dissolve- they just cannot emotionally handle having my child and I in their lives. They too give me lip service about how I will always be part of their family and when he died they said they would do all kind of things, provide all kinds of support. I have seen them once since his death 2.5 years ago for less than 24 hours. They prefer to try not to think of my LH- I do get it, some people do not have the emotional maturity and resilience. Their absence is the worst for my child, and to date I have made a modicum of effort for my child's sake. But it is so unreciprocated, unappreciated and one-sided that I honestly do not know if I can sustain it, even out of love for my LH and child, who deserves to know LH's family and hear stories from people who knew my LH for a lot longer than I did. I am certain that were there no child involved, I would no longer be in contact with LH's family. Hugs. I hope the wedding goes brilliantly. I wish you courage --becoming a different person surely does not mean that Tim will not always be part of you.

DragonTears, so sorry for your loss.

TS, you know I get it re: the aftermath of caregiving. So great you were able to get that sculpture to your FIL's. My LH considered his tools an extension of himself, so trying to sell them is emotionally-laden and onerous, but they have enough value that I cannot afford to give them away. (Note to self: tools, like cars, do not retain their original value!) It sounds like both you and Wheelerswife are making real progress on your bins and boxes. My hat is off to you both.

Thanks for posting. I love Bon Iver (less since he dumped our girl Kathleen Edwards but still) and will check this out.

This is great insight and I need to follow it too. Solidarity, TooSoon. I absolutely adore my parents and need and am so grateful for their help- they come from a long way away when they can and actively help in concrete ways. The flip side of their involvement is that, when they are here, they constantly undermine me and my messages when I am disciplining my child, and my father is driving me crazy with unwanted commentary and feedback on my parenting "performance" -ironically, as he was not there as I was growing up as he had a long commute to work. Still, love them so much and need to take a leaf out of Max2507's book. Good luck, glad you have a little breather and space to contemplate that dynamic.