canadiangirl

Bunny, thank you so much for sharing. I have tears in my eyes, the appreciative kind. Your husband and my husband would have been great friends had they met--a lot in common (except maybe the cult thing). Thinking of you from here.

Just wanted to say so sorry for the loss of your Karl. At 26, you are an adult, your decisions must be your own, no matter how well-meaning anyone else in your life is. This is a vulnerable time in your life right now, easy to be swayed by others when that is the less overwhelming path - more important than ever to really try to think things through rationally and come up with what works for you and remains feasible. Wishing you the best.

ATJ, so nice to see you. Thank you for the beautiful poem and images.

Just sending you my solidarity Quixote. I too enjoyed your anecdotes about your wife. Peanut butter sandwich is about my speed too.

Hi Taurus, thanks so much for your thoughtful reflections. Two things especially resonated with me with your post- (1) my DH and I were both free spirits in the manner you described prior to getting together, which may have contributed to my feelings now, and (2) no room for anyone else here either! Take care, and please share your Dalai Lama wisdom. ;-)

Sandrine, I was lucky compared to some and had 6 weeks off - I could've used 6 months. Some people actually found it was good to get back into the routine though, and that work was/is a positive distraction. You might find that when you are in it, it makes the time go by more quickly. I think this is easier if you love or even like your work. Going back I put on a happy face, only cried in private, tried hard not to let my private life become an excuse, and tried and still try to break things down into smaller parts (and made lots of lists) in order to avoid being overwhelmed, because my energy levels were and are low. Grief is exhausting and going through the trauma of losing a loved one often does have an effect on our cognitive functions e.g. memory -that is something to explain to your partner in an objective way. It's to be expected (although not inevitable), so anything you can do to make it easier on yourself, even in the short term, would be worth the investment. Bonne chance.

Milojka, thank you for sharing your story. From your words, I have this most amazing vision of your life, and the peacefulness after the rupture of such a loss is an inspiration. I cannot run away due to childcare responsibilities that I am glad to have but when my child is grown...I am already making plans.

I checked in here to add this post to this thread because although it's mostly about creativity, I think it applies to grief as well- the notion that we cannot always control the timing of how we feel (including "happiness") and when the conditions are ripe for "success", in whatever form it might take. I think we have a bit more control than this article lets on, but it's a good antidote for some self-help. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jamie-varon/to-anyone-who-thinks-theyre-falling-behind_b_9190758.html?%3Fir=Canada&section=ca_canada&utm_hp_ref=canada

Nice to see you, Hikermom. I appreciate the thoughtful post and aspire to get to the place you are. I agree totally about the ability to let work "crises" roll off my back, and that has been a win. Sadly, the PTSD has been some baggage here too. Wishing you the best.

Thanks Mizpah. I absolutely love this post and that Emerson quote and it articulates beautifully what I strive for and certainly cannot say I have at this point. Some day...

Ugh, sorry to hear about this. That MD sounds unqualified. Not sure if it is also happening in the UK, but in Canada a key theme in many workplaces (private and public sector) right now is mental health awareness. Lots of corporate strategies being devised and air time given to it, which is great and needed. Perhaps if you have to put things back on track, you could note that your experience makes you an obvious asset in any such corporate strategic thinking in this area, now or in the future. Hope all goes well.

Love this- reads like a novel in 20 words or less about my past dating history pre-DH. Thanks for the laugh!

I really appreciated this anecdote, April - thank you for the insights. But to be clear, I am not upset with Portside, it's not personal, he often has great observations- his post on blending families was one of the very best I have ever read on this forum. I am just wary in general of anyone, military or not (and I don't think being military gives you a free pass), who posts judgemental things like the quote I posted above that may make others, women OR men, think twice before letting it all hang out on this forum, because it is meant to be a safe place to share, not a place to seek help, including of the tough love variety, which none of us is qualified to offer and which may not be an appropriate strategy for an anonymous forum. In my opinion, we need more empathy and validation for the widowed, not less. This has nothing to do with your original welcome positive post. Hugs--your kids clearly have a great mom, and I could learn from you, so I hope you keep posting about your experiences.

Said no mental health professional to any patient anywhere, thank heavens. People like myself come here for validation and support, as Mizpah says. Validation is a normal human need, and part of our social experience. Many of us go about our daily lives sucking it up all the time despite the inner despair or turmoil -for pity's sake, let people have a safe place in this forum to whine and complain if they want to, without feeling diminished. I seriously could use tea and cookies at the end of the day. April, your original post was good to see and I honour you for your positive, resilient outlook. I don't think anyone could or does find it offensive.

Fuuuuuuck cybershaming. So very tired of it.

I really appreciated your post Nog1 - needed to read this today. From another in the army of the exhausted solo parents- solidarity.

This is just beautifully written and so apt. Thank you, Wheelerswife. You inspire me. I hope you find safe harbour soon.

Big hugs. I get it. I was having lunch this week with a friend and she said do you feel at least that things are better this year than last? making a line graph motion with her hand to indicate gradual growth or improvement over time. I said, honestly (and really, no one wants to hear this), no, I don't. Actually, this year has been worse--that line is dipping. But when you think about it, that imaginary line graph we have in our heads as a benchmark to measure our progress against is silly, really. Silly to think that emotions would lend themselves to such a construct. I get the anger, too. It is what it is. As a smart lady said to me recently, be kind to yourself.

For those reading who have or have lived through a cancer diagnosis for themselves or others, my husband's cancer was in his face and I believe the radiation treatments on his head combined with a disfiguring surgery (he was so handsome and remained so to me post-surgery but he felt monstrous) and the steroids which made him rage were strong contributing factors to his personality change and personal torment. It wasn't "just" depression, hopelessness and understandable anger post-terminal prognosis. It was a perfect storm.

Thanks, Trying. <3 I too feel like I'm treading water. I think it's left over from being in crisis/survival mode all the time. From your posts I have the strong suspicion you are doing better than you think as a single parent. Hugs.

Thanks TS. It is amazing that it takes only one person really getting it to feel heard and understood. I am so sorry you and your LH also lived through this torment (because that's what it was) but I am selfishly glad you exist, to bear a kind of testimony. I think you're absolutely right- a total rebuild would seem to be in order. I wish I could even lay the cornerstone of that foundation! I hope you find some time to relax soon, once the semester is at an end. Thanks again.

Hugs to BH2. And to CBB, I think of you often, I am so sorry to hear of your health issues on top of everything. Max2507, my condolences for the loss of your BIL. Here's to courage and the prospect of positive things, and to hope.

I'm posting here because I know there will be other former caregivers who get it. I am likely to modify this post at some point as I don't like to leave too much personal info here. Sorry for the long original post. I am a cancer wid. I was only a caregiver for 4.5 years, and for many of these, my LH could take care of himself. He became isolated and very angry and rightly so- it became clear early on that he was terminal, and I truly believe it is torture to know this, especially (but not exclusively) when you are young like he was. He lived for years knowing this, and although I am glad he lived as long as he did, especially so our small child has some memories of him, he suffered mentally and physically. It was a constant shit storm, with his anger, walking on eggshells and the endless stream of bad news. He just never caught a break, ever. We marched inexorably to his death, and it was far far from pretty or peaceful. In his final days and hours, everything went wrong that could, it seemed. To the point. It will be almost 2.5 years this week since his death. I feel like I left one punishing, grueling marathon only to enter another. Trying to be mentally well myself, trying to move through this if not past it, trying to forget the anger and suffering and not to succumb to the former myself, while being the sole parent and breadwinner...well, in this everyone knows the drill. But the absolutely incredible exhaustion that I still feel after all this time is just another layer that I think former caregivers (and others) can understand. The grief is exhausting in itself, and it came when I had no resources left. Rock bottom is above my head. When I write this out, I am proud to be still standing. I am trying to fake it 'til I make it IRL and to not eff up my child, who also is suffering. I am proud and honoured to have been my DH's support and caregiver, to the very end - he died at home in this house in our room. But holy hell, the days are just a grind (and yes, I have seen an MD etc.) and it is so hard to find joy or beauty and love for life again. And I KNOW other former caregivers will get it when I say that my baseline after all those years has changed: while I have very little that is positive to say about my current life, no one is dying, the ones I love who remain are here. And that itself is more than I can say about the year 2013. My heart goes out to those who have continued to suffer losses after this loss. It is a marathon when I wish I could sprint.

Totally agree. Happy for you, and it's inspiring how life has turned around for you. Hope the door didn't hit your intolerant, inhumane in-laws on their way out.

So sorry to hear this Eileen. She sounds like a wonderful person. Solidarity from another cancer wid.