canadiangirl

You have a right to be ticked at the mutual contact (contact being the right word, as this sure wasn't the intervention of a friend). I am sorry this put a damper on things for you.

So sorry to hear about that MrsDan. Hope your DD is feeling better and you can keep your plans. In solidarity, I can tell you that the s--tshow is usually all at once at our place as well. Rains, pours, and all that. And I totally have that sensation of being punished- like isn't it enough? But then I try to remind myself that I am a "good" person overall and I have not been putting the kind of stuff out there in the universe that would warrant getting paid back the way I feel I am being paid. It's not karma. Hope today is a better day.

I am sorry this was offered, KT, especially if there was no accompanying offer of help for a solution. Some people find they can "deal" with things by going to therapy (the jury is out for me on that one) but I remember that your family circumstances are such that finding time for that would be extremely difficult. I don't know what that person means either, but unless s/he was creating the space for you to "deal" (offering to babysit the kids for example) it's a pretty patronizing and pat piece of unwanted advice. You are doing the best you can under awful circumstances and I am sure you are smart enough to figure out what is required and do-able yourself.

I hear you, TooSoon. I remember no details, just being in absolute misery, getting the baby dropped off and leaving DH home alone and going to my job in a fog of hell. I was able to stop months before he died-I couldn't take it any more, even if I were let go--and went back 6 weeks after, which was way too soon. Like ieh21, definitely had inappropriate "too much information" (TMI) conversations with my poor colleagues, but they are a compassionate bunch. Even the last two years (today) since his death have been such a fog I cannot figure out if I took a few days off in September 2015 or September 2014. Then there is just the hit chronic stress takes on cognitive function and memory in general. So glad we're still standing and that you feel distance from that past. I am sorry you are having to re-examine this and there's a stressful situation at work.

Fuck trying to juggle everything, keeping those balls in the air. Fuck that those balls keep plonking down on my head.

Hi JenM, sending you courage. I am 2 years out and yes, I was surprised by it because I was managing quite well for the first 5 months. I realize now that I was in shock (although my husband died after a long illness- you can never prepare for it) and was numb, and it does wear off, right about where you are. It is normal. I know that doesn't help. But as stated above, you are not alone.

Munsen, thanks for weighing in, so glad someone else has read Ehrenreich's book, such a great read. Even since I posted that article, new studies on the effects of positive thinking have come out (pro positive thinking if I recall correctly). I feel like it's kind of like (insert any other organic thing here) and cancer- we get told too much of it causes cancer, or not enough of it causes cancer or...you get the picture. Although people are well-intentioned I am sure, the "think positive thoughts" advice to the grieving sometimes feels patronizing to me, especially when it feels a little too much like "buck up". TTA, I would have loved to read what you said. I am very interested in other peoples' take on/experience with this.

Alexswife, my condolences as well for your loss. I am glad for your sakes it was peaceful. Take care.

This week, it will be two years since his death. One of the ways that it is marking me is the realization that I've had things on my to-do list for two years now.

ieh21, thank you very much for sharing this. I hope I will be in the place you are now at 5 years out. I struggle with acceptance.

runningwithscissors, so sorry to hear you were patronized in this way. 5 years feels like a drop in a bucket of years to me. I hope things ease up for you somehow soon.

Dear Koryn78, Welcome to this board. I am so sorry to read of the loss of both your son and your husband, so eloquently and heartbreakingly stated. It is beyond bearing. I do hope you find some comfort here. A writer I know slightly writes beautifully and compellingly about the loss of her teen daughter. I know it's not the same, but it may speak to you in some respects. https://onmefall.wordpress.com/ Take care.

With respect to some earlier posts, this site is anonymous. The objects of any vents here (exes, in-laws, teachers, Stepford parents etc.) are not being harmed- in fact, if people have a safe place like this to let frustrations out, it is less likely that the objects will be subjected to the inner diatribes that people rightly or wrongly have with themselves. I respectfully disagree with the suggestion that widows here are self-righteous or believe themselves expert on the human condition. Even before being a widow, I knew that it is human to be imperfect, to feel envy, to compare, to feel injustice. Now I am less perfect than ever because I feel those things more often. I feel superior to no one. Quite the contrary. It has to be okay to discuss DGIs (and call them that), it has to be okay to discuss anything here when we are not harming others. This post and ones like it do not harm people. They do not "teach" anyone anything "bad" or even necessarily "wrong" because we are all true adults, none with a greater life experience or more to offer than the other, just a different take. Just because I am a widow does not make me suggestible so I honestly don't understand the imperative to "correct" posts. These kind of calling-out posts worry me because they are the type of post that risk making some people (not saying the OP) walk away or may turn off lurkers in need. I value the OP's posts very much just as I value the posts of those who have chimed in to challenge - I wish we could remain supportive. We could say this is self-censorship but then again, self-censorship is what is being advocated, really, when we call out venting posts. We feel what we feel- emotions are just that- emotions, not logic. Trying, vent away. The other day I was out with a divorced mom (perfectly coiffed, immaculate house) who said "at least you have the child with you all the time". Which speaks to the major challenges you rightly outline for child custody sharing arrangements. It must be really hard to trust someone, as you say. But speaking to an exhausted mommy (grey dishevelled roots showing, chaos at home)...I bit my tongue, because that's what we do. I can bite my tongue because I have self control, empathy for her and a safe place (here) to laugh about it. It is all hard. Life is hard. We need to support each other.

Great post, ArtLovingDad. And yes, I have exactly the same thing happening. I am not obsessive and not a hypochondriac (although sometimes my GP treats me as such) but heightened awareness of it and any small thing I think is cancer or heart attack until I can rule it out with logic and research. Really want to live for my small one, but for many years during my husband's battle and for the two years since I have felt that I too was going to die imminently. The years of crazy stress have taken a big toll on my own physical health so it actually is not an impossibility. The big lesson from his illness and death was to always take chronic pain seriously and insist on a diagnostic test (my DH went many times and to specialists but they didn't believe him and did not order CT scans until too late).

I get it. I certainly get the anger and the feeling of being treated differently, and not good-differently. I also get the envy. I am so sorry you are in this position, you and your kids, and that you have the support of neither friends nor family. I can take being alone but it sucks that my child will not know what it is like to have a dad -that is what makes me angry. We can only do the best we can at any given moment. I am glad you found this site and this community again - it was Jess and Justin and Lewis and some of the other mods who stood up this site- I too will always be grateful. Seven years- (((nolagirl)))

It sickens me, what happened in Paris, and what happened in Lebanon, in Egypt, in Afghanistan these last days. I am trying to deal with the aftermath of one death, and because of the total disregard by some (insert choice words) individuals for our common humanity, now a whole lot of families are struggling. I realize this is the case around the world, and that many of my problems are minor (infinitesimal!) compared to those living in developing countries. I still reserve the right to struggle, and even vent about it. Perhaps I am part of a collective howl that just got much louder. Nonetheless, I wanted to post to say that Paris gives me perspective, and--although it sounds trite--I grieve for those families too, having a small sense of what lies ahead. It is not right. I hope for a better world for my small one.

ssdad, so sorry for your loss, and under such tragic circumstances too. I hope you keep finding things that resonate with you here. Wishing you the best.

SWW, I am so sorry for your loss. I don't think we ever "get over it". I think we just learn to live with it. And unfortunately, no one can really help us with that, although therapy can be a tool. We have to find our inner strength and resources, however trite that sounds. I am still looking for mine! Hope you are having an okay week. I am sorry you felt pressured by your family to go back to work before you were ready, especially if work was giving you the option of being off. Going to work helps some - it does not help others (I am in the latter camp). I think a key lesson about the whole process is we have to trust our instincts about what is good for us going forward. Only you can decide. Take care.

Karin, so sorry for your loss. I loved your story. Mizpah's idea is great. On "fix me," there were two recent posts under General Discussion about an article "Everything doesn't happen for a reason" http://www.timjlawrence.com/blog/2015/10/19/everything-doesnt-happen-for-a-reason I love a quote in it from Megan Devine who says "Some things in life cannot be fixed. They can only be carried." For me, that is right on. Hope that resonates. Take care.

Best wishes with the work. The attention span thing is definitely an issue -still is for me almost 2 years out! It's almost like you have more important things on your mind, permanently! I have an email from my DH pinned on the wall in my office. It's a comfort. Take care.

meganj, so very sorry for your loss. He sounds like a great guy. I hope yesterday went okay.

This is a great short video posted in July on YouTube that you may like if you are posting in this thread. Warning: language, not to be played aloud with kids in the room. But so soothing! Wish I could play it at work on a loop. Starts to get good at 23s and 40s in, excellent by one minute...

I get it. All of it. (((Jen)))

Yes, mizpah, word for word, with you and Missmybecky and Heydear and others. 100%. I remember describing it to a friend (sorry for stream of consciousness): A thing like this happens, your partner dies far too young, and it puts life in perspective and shakes things up and you see what are the real priorities for a human to live a fulfilling existence...and despite being attuned with every fibre of your being to the screaming of your soul about these priorities and its yearning to make the most of the time we have, commune with nature etc. etc. there must be food on the table and a small one must be provided for and though you may have zero passion/interest for it...you gotta go to work. It has actually been one of the most difficult daily challenges for me. To act contrary to what my brain and soul tell me is good and necessary for me. The exhaustion and insomnia and trauma do not help. What helps motivate me is, very prosaically, life insurance, which I am lucky enough to have through work. We have seen here that people can die young and how much of a difference it makes if those left behind are adequately provided for and the compounded grief when they are not. I need to make sure my small one is okay financially if something happens to me. I am far from suicidal but there are days I feel like Willy Loman in Death of a Salesman. I know I am very lucky to have my job - I feel grateful for this. And I still have a little seed of hope in me somewhere that things will get better someday, maybe. In the meantime, professional disinterest, no joy, daily grind, hell yeah.

Sending you my support. It's all too much. I'm glad you got the overpayment sorted- that would've been a huge stress. You ARE doing a good job providing for your family. I hope the month continues to improve for you and you have a peaceful Thanksgiving.