canadiangirl

My sincere condolences, donswife. I hope you are okay. Totally agree with what Wheelerswife said. Maybe you were gearing up for this as it was expected, so the numbness protected and will protect you for a while. Perhaps at some point feeling will come roaring in again- when it does, I hope you feel joy along with the inevitable sadness. Hugs.

These are great suggestions, thanks for starting this thread. My focus and attention have also been seriously affected - I don't read a lot of fiction because the truth was stranger (and sadder than) for a while. On my night table is Mary Beard's SPQR and a lovely little book from Helen Humphreys called "The Frozen Thames" that is forty little vignettes (about my speed) rather poetically describing times that the Thames River was frozen in London between 1142 and 1895. It's a weird concept but brilliantly executed so far.

So sorry to hear this. It's too much.

This is totally where I am. Exactly this. Me too I see your year 3 anxiety and raise it ;-)

Sending her my positive thoughts and prayers.

2.5 years and I hear you, totally. For me at this stage it's more trying to give a "care". I just can't even, about most things. Makes getting through work days challenging. I too am just trying to not screw up my child and to keep things are normal as possible. It is not working so far, but I have hope. Sending solidarity.

Thinking of you. It's not right. Such a profound loss.

With you. No idea how to get out of the loop. My brain:

Mizpah, wanted to drop in to give you my support and to say I get this. DH was ambivalent about getting married, to the point that he basically proposed on the evening of the wedding. He was ambivalent about having children...but once our child came he was a great and loving dad. He never felt excited or anticipation about foreign travel until he literally was on the plane. Maybe it was because he couldn't trust in things until they were sure- maybe there were too many broken promises in his past, I don't know, but it was very frustrating, even made him a killjoy sometimes. Part of our rationale for getting married was love but part of it for sure was to make it legally easier for us as he was already diagnosed with cancer. Like Bunny said, I wouldn't put this down to you are contemplating big decisions "only" because of a titular change to your status. I think marriages and weddings and commitment ceremonies like this represent hope. We have all been hammered by no hope...not to sound corny but I can imagine one's soul gets thirsty for some after a while, and committing to each other would seem like an excellent opportunity to replenish this. Reading your story, not getting married sounds like an opportunity wasted to feel that surge of optimism for the future...and I am not tied to the institution. I hope you find your way around this - people have given excellent insights, like you routinely provide to others.

Just wanted to send you solidarity and virtual hugs. I hit the two-year mark in December and year 2 was a much harder year in some ways, although thankfully without further losses. I just keep telling myself that things will get better. It's a bit of a lonely conversation and that inner voice falters more now. I get it.

I don't listen to a lot of country music, but I loved this apropos simple and beautiful little gem from Willie Nelson and Loretta Lynn called "Lay Me Down": http://rare.us/story/loretta-lynn-and-willie-nelson-just-released-a-breathtaking-video-that-every-true-country-fan-must-see/

Sadly, I rarely do any more. I got good advice on this forum early on to ask for help and be specific. I specifically asked for people in my quite broad social circle to ask my child over for playdates, not only to give me a break (and much-needed time to grieve and breathe) but so that my only child felt connected, not lonely and had fun. I asked again and again and was extremely grateful when it happened, once in a blue moon. It is so rare now that I have begun inviting those kids over to our house...and it is not necessarily resulting in reciprocity. But I will keep doing it, because even though it helps me very little (except my child is entertained while I work around the house), my child needs friends. The connected part is real and necessary, even though I could happily hermit and cut myself off from all those around us, in some small part because I feel so let down, even if that is not quite fair. People have their own lives and they think others are helping us when the reality is no one is.

I totally agree, it could easily have gone a very different way. I am really happy for you and Justin...it also is a tribute to the way you both handled it. You are showing great parenting chops!

My sincere condolences for the loss of your father. My greatest fear other than something happening to my child right now is the loss of a parent. Take care.

SVS, I am so sorry to hear this, on top of everything else. It is too much. I hope the news is ultimately good about your son and that your daughter is well too. I was reading an article today about a 90-something year-old who survived a crazy case of elder abuse (forcibly confined, robbed etc). Quote from the article: "Asked what she hopes for in the future, Piela thought about it, then spoke in Ukrainian to fully express herself. Her lawyer gave a rough translation: Maybe one day the sun will shine for me." SVS, I truly hope the sun shines for you soon. CG http://news.nationalpost.com/news/canada/brave-and-courageous-92-year-old-escaped-from-people-she-says-controlled-her-life-with-forged-mandate

Like, very much, and so impressed by the maturity and empathy shown by Justin's DD! Thanks for sharing such a positive update.

Hi Lewis! Just checking in to say I like the re-design, easier on the eyes. A minor thing - if it's possible to separate the home and help buttons a bit more in the read-only (non-logged in view, it would make mobile use a little easier. Thank you for everything! CG

Hi mo12, I love what your small one said - I do like to think they know more than we do about what is happening around us. The day my husband died of cancer (so I had warning) I insisted on being the one to break it to our 5 year old, and I used this really good educators' guide from Scholastic called "After a Loved One Dies" in the .pdf at this link http://www.scholastic.com/browse/article.jsp?id=3757796 to shape what I was going to say. I do believe the four basic concepts about death on pages 4-5 are important, but it sounds like you probably have covered this already. In any case, I found it a useful tool and truly believe that how I messaged things then has helped promote my child's understanding now, if that makes sense. Your child sounds like a very perceptive human being. Your post touched me, thanks.

No way! I had the same reaction as SVS. You are on point. I can't cry and complain about my lot at work- I am being paid to do a job, and no one gets it anyway. Work's for work. I suck it up and whinge and complain here instead ;-) Speaking of cold and hardened, a work colleague is back at work part-time after a year of leave during which her 20-something year-old spouse nearly died of extreme metastatic cancer (and is still unlikely to survive)... and some of our/her colleagues are gossiping that she was having too much fun on her time off and don't believe that she required stress/caregiving leave and that her life was a hardship because of her Facebook posts (they got married (b/c of love but also in part because married status makes caregiving easier, at least in our medical system), she posted about outings, new pet, staying positive etc). Now THAT is cold and hardened. I am so disgusted with them, I want to collectively tear a strip out of them. But it's work, so I keep my own counsel. Good luck with your course.

I read this, you honour your Kenneth and always have. You did the very best you could, and of course he knew it. I am so sorry to hear of your lost files, but with the computer world, it is rare that something is totally lost. Maybe someday when you are up to it contact a computer specialist - perhaps the lost files can still be retrieved. Take care, sending virtual hugs.

TS, I hope you have a good break tonight and tomorrow. Always wanted to go to the Tenement Museum, looks interesting. I too validate how you are feeling and would love a bit of respite. Last fall and now these past few weeks have been horrendous (but I don't say that loudly IRL as they could always get much much worse). You all took the words right out of my mouth. Take care.

Dear DB, I am so sorry for the loss of your ex-boyfriend and for this heartache. You don't deserve it and it is not your fault. Something a bit similar happened to me when I was 16 - he did not complete suicide, but he threatened to commit suicide if I did not stay. So I stayed (I was young), until he cheated on me with someone else. That person in turn cheated on my ex, and he did attempt suicide at that time (he survived and got help, and part of his supervised therapy was getting back in touch with me and understanding how he was trying to control and manipulate me, and the impact that had on me). It's not your fault. His family is wrong to treat you in this manner. I am not being trite when I state the obvious that people break up in anger and under pressure-filled circumstances all over the world, all the time, and mentally well people do not kill themselves because of it. Reading your story I feel sad for his pain, but it's not your fault. I hope you can get some more counselling. I hope you can find peace. Best wishes.

I love this story, thanks ieh21. I really appreciate that the mods pinned this post to create a little easy-to-find space on this topic. Before I forget, I wanted to re-post something that has already been put up elsewhere on this board. It's the piece from Brain Pickings on How To Be Alone, and parts of it are relevant to some of the discussions taking place here. Thanks again to all those who have responded to date. I read every post with interest, and am very grateful for all views. https://www.brainpickings.org/2014/09/03/how-to-be-alone-school-of-life/

^^ This!

Shelby, so sad to hear about this and about your deteriorating health situation. Adding my virtual support to the chorus. I believe Wheelerswife has captured the crux of the issue above. Best wishes as you navigate through this. It is not fair- you have suffered enough. In solidarity.