canadiangirl

Wow, thanks for posting this. I am not familiar with this musical but checked out a (Chicago-MrsTim) high school's "musicality" (glee club?) cover of Wait for It and it blew me away: Appreciate the recommendation. Resonates.

So sorry for your loss. I was a caregiver for 4.5 years (DH had cancer). Nothing prepares you. And your starting point when your person dies is one of exhaustion. It is truly hard to dig deep to find the resources (what could possibly be left after such a fight?) to keep going, but we do. Wishing you and your children the best.

I am so sorry it has been a crappy week. Amazing how you got through it - I'd be a mess. ((TooSoon)). Ref your quote above, like others, I so get this. It is my life right now. The stupid little things can become so overwhelming, owing to the years of exhaustion. I keep trying to "deal with" things, get them off my to-do list, and because of the incompetence, Kafka-esque bureaucracy or administrative errors of others, the same things go right back on the list. I feel caught in a strange Sisyphean loop a lot of the time. Solidarity.

http://thewalrus.ca/modern-grief/ I suspect this article will resonate for a lot of people. It sure did with me. I feel I am constantly trying to "reanimate" my DH by sifting through bits of his life, like his emails, his photos, etc. Beautifully written. Could be triggering for some, as describes loved one suffering from cancer.

My two cents, yes to both the statement and questions cited above. It feels very logical to me that this would be how things would roll - I think it's safe to say your trust was betrayed, you took a lot, so it would be surprising, wouldn't it, if you DIDN'T have these feelings. And it's a real indicator of the love you feel for NG that you can't wait to be together and feel those frustrations when it can't happen- for this, I am so glad for you. The rest sounds incredibly difficult - I hope your DD and dog recover quickly. All of your reactions make total sense. Wishing you the best.

skytrancegirl, I am so sorry for your loss. People here truly get it. You asked for advice- make sure you read the pinned post "Our suggestions for the newly widowed" here as it has lots of good collected advice. Best of luck planning the service- do lean on others now, they should help. When I was planning his service, I focused on music and poems and things I knew he liked - depending on where you have the service (mine was just in the chapel of a funeral home) you may have the leeway to craft it so it reflects his unique spirit (this needs to be checked). It eased my pain a very little bit at the time to honour him this way and gave me focus. If you are able to draft some words for a eulogy or tribute if you think you can deliver it the way through, that can sometimes help too (again depending on what the format of the service is and where it is held and what you can bear). Again, it helped me to talk about him and say what I wanted to say...and outside the service you don't get many opportunities to do this, sadly. All the best.

We've been over this terrain before, but F-----uuuucck you cancer.

sakeraki, just wanted to wish you the very best and hope you find the resources you need to muster this forgiveness if you feel this will help address the understandable rage you feel. Other ways of framing it are perhaps surrendering to it or trying to feel indifferent to the person responsible for her death. While angry for different reasons, I cannot imagine the pain you feel and wish you courage and a path to joy again.

A bit of a depressing poem in some ways, but here is Alan Rickman reading If Death is Not the End, by Robyn Hitchcock. RIP Alan Rickman. https://audioboom.com/boos/4061952-alan-rickman-reads-poem-if-death-is-not-the-end

I'll be following this thread to see if there are any other good ideas like those of imissdow's. If you haven't tried EMDR it might be a help. I honestly cannot think of anything else that is not pharmaceutical (prescribed!). Perhaps it is possible that when things are resolved with adp re: living arrangements your sense of fear will dissipate as you will have that feeling of safety from having your partner beside you all the time. Sending you my very best TooSoon. ((TooSoon))

I've been listening to his music all day, love the tribute version of Under Pressure that serpico posted. I've been watching the next two clips today. In the first, Dancing in the Streets, I in particular love the look Bowie shoots Jagger at 2:17 to 2:19 and the second one is a really old clip of a song I love, When I Live My Dream. I also love Heroes and too many others to mention. The posts from Iman are amazing, thanks for sharing MrsTim85.

CONGRATULATIONS! This is great news, very happy for you.

Best of luck! I hope it goes amazingly well.

I love this - thanks for sharing. My DH's best friend sent me a Christmas card in which he mentioned that he had saved my DH's voicemail messages to him, and the voicemails keep randomly playing at odd times when the friend is not near the machine. I love that too.

I love this, thanks for posting. It's good to have her perspective, and I totally agree with it. I don't have a gravesite to visit but I can imagine the comfort. A while ago, I posted a beautiful tribute from the author's dying husband to his baby. It's under the Quote thread but here it is again. "Yet one thing cannot be robbed of her futurity: my daughter, Cady. I hope I?ll live long enough that she has some memory of me. Words have a longevity I do not. I had thought I could leave her a series of letters -- but what would they really say? I don?t know what this girl will be like when she is 15; I don?t even know if she?ll take to the nickname we?ve given her. There is perhaps only one thing to say to this infant, who is all future, overlapping briefly with me, whose life, barring the improbable, is all but past. That message is simple: When you come to one of the many moments in life when you must give an account of yourself, provide a ledger of what you have been, and done, and meant to the world, do not, I pray, discount that you filled a dying man?s days with a sated joy, a joy unknown to me in all my prior years, a joy that does not hunger for more and more, but rests, satisfied. In this time, right now, that is an enormous thing." http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/03/20/paul-kalanithi-dying-neurosurgeons-exquisite-message-to-daughter_n_6905234.html?ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000063

"Implicit in poetry is the notion that we are deepened by heartbreaks, that we are not so much diminished as enlarged by grief, by our refusal to vanish--to let others vanish--without leaving a verbal record." Edward Hirsch, American poet and critic

Update: Barbara Ehrenreich (author referred to by Munsen and myself above who wrote the 2009 book "Bright-Sided" which takes on the positive thinking industry) has weighed in on "gratitude" in this NYTs article "The Selfish Side of Gratitude". If you are feeling snarky it is an interesting short read. http://www.nytimes.com/2016/01/03/opinion/sunday/the-selfish-side-of-gratitude.html?_r=1

Sugarbell, you are such a positive force here, I can only imagine how you help those IRL. I am so sorry to hear of this accumulated stress -your life sounds complicated right now. You can get through this for certain - you have been through the wringer and you are still standing. I have nothing else, just wishing you peace and courage for the next 6 months and onward.

My Internet just broke. I think this is the best response I have ever read on these boards. Thank you, Max2507. I have been having a difficult morning and this will make me laugh the rest of the day. RemysWife, your reply to your acquaintance was perfect. There was a judgement in there, despite it being well-meant. And since when did FB represent what is truly going on in our lives? I probably would have ignored it--you are a bigger person. You sound like you are doing better than just fine. A much-loved family member said recently to me that I was doing better, that I was letting go of the past and that's what I had to do...and I interrupted, saying the past was part of me, always would be, and it has made me into a different person. Not better, hopefully not worse, but different. Re-forming one's identity is one of the tough parts of this process, in my opinion. Acceptance after a loss is not just something we need to do ourselves - those around us need to accept that we will become different people and accept those new selves as they are. Part of the ripple effect of a loss. ((RemysWife))

Stephaniem86, so sorry for your loss and under such heartbreaking circumstances. It is okay to just BE right now. Please be easy on yourself. With respect to what your pastor said -very difficult to know for sure that which is unknowable. I hope you find some comfort. We can only do one day at a time. Sometimes one minute. But it's a start.

Trying, I am really sorry to hear of this setback - I cannot imagine the stress. Sending you virtual hugs and courage.

Hugs and peace back. I am so so sick of the daily grind. I was digging out after a terrible snowstorm today and was the crazy widow lady, cussing aloud and shaking my fists at the plows who left a mountain dumped at the foot of my driveway. It's a bit disturbing to think that "crazy widow lady who talks to herself" is my future... I am glad to know you and all of those here who get it.

skipd and Helena, so sorry for your losses. My child was 5 when we lost my DH. skipd, you said you wished for any guidance from others in the same boat. I am two years out. I have done many things "wrong" but the one thing I know I am doing correctly (for my family) is bringing up the topic of my DH with my child on a pretty routine basis in a factual way. I want my child to remember my DH so I raise memories or things he did or liked. I respond to any questions my child may have in a calm and logical way as well. My DH was cremated - it was the one thing I did not speak about in detail or explain early on, because I thought it would seem too violent or shocking to a little one, but I know others were upfront with this without challenges. They are pretty resilient - mostly my child just wanted and still wants to play, which makes a lot of sense. I don't feel a lot of joy or happiness myself, but I try (sometimes unsuccessfully) not to rob that from my child, as we were otherwise robbed of so much. I hope that helps. Take good care.

MM, that sounds incredibly hard. Just wanted to echo the others and say that I am sure your DH's family understood and it was a reminder to them of how much he was, and still is, loved. What family can do anything else but honour this? You failed no one, and I hope you found a bit of solace returning to his room. I still think we sometime elect to go through otherwise triggering things and go through intense periods of grieving because our brain/subconscious self directs us that this is what we need at the time, as part of this process of grieving and working through trauma. Since we apparently use only 20% of our brains I am hoping that the other 80% of mine at least knows what it is doing. I really miss the in-jokes and shared memories too. That's one of the hardest things. I have a child but my child was too young to remember and in any case, the shared history was with DH. DH who I know was real - I will keep him real. I hope you are feeling better today.

Echoing this. It does break you into a million little pieces. I can see why taking up drugs or alcohol might seem to be the temporary glue to hold things together and get some relief from the seemingly endless pain. I am sorry for all the additional pain you are going through, and I hope you find the help you need. Sounds like you are taking the first steps towards returning to health- sorry it will be something of a lonely road. Many have expressed here how being widowed has changed his/her address book. This is the right place to express your feelings of pain, grief and trauma. That we can all get.