canadiangirl

Love these, WifeLess, thanks for posting!

That's not whining- that's all just too much. I hope you can get a moment (or many more moments) of respite over the holidays. I can't imagine the energy it takes to move- it's part of my medium term plans but the thought is completely daunting. Hope your DD's bio-dad and your MIL's health stabilize.

Thanks again for the responses. I think it must be really hard to have had a significant amount of time with one's spouse (20+ years, some of you said), and then re-establish a new identity after this. When you've been part of a couple so long, I imagine it changes you in fundamental ways. I had only 6 years, which may help to explain why I feel in some ways I am just taking up the cape of my former life, interrupted. When well-meaning people IRL say that they want me to find someone else, not to be alone, to be honest I want to let out an existential yell in their faces (glad to report I just smile though). Thanks for helping me feel less isolated- why I appreciate these boards. I would still love to hear from others who happen upon this thread now or in the future who are in the same position.

Fern, as we've discussed, our experiences with our in-laws have been quite similar. I've (very) gradually become resigned to the fact that if I want them to have a relationship with my child, I have to do all the work. I never confronted them with my feelings of anger that they just were not there throughout his illness and in the years after his death- it would have been counter-productive - they actually thought the very few times they visited was a big contribution. So I chose your option (a). I did it as a way to continue to honour my DH, which pleases me, and so that my child has some kind of relationship with DH's family. If I miss a call on a holiday, I shrug my shoulders and feel no guilt. Interestingly, they were more engaged the 2nd year than the first, although still not coming to visit. I never rely on them or believe any help from them will be forthcoming (and it hasn't been). I speak of them to my child enough to ensure that my child remembers who they are. It is good for my child right now to feel connected, part of a larger circle that includes them. It took more than a year for me to let the anxiety and anger go. Reading your situation, I think you could reasonably assume that they will not be there for you in the next crisis. So is it worth it to you to pursue this relationship? Only you can decide- hope it helps to have heard from someone who chose (a). I am so sorry that help is not on the way, nor is likely to ever be, from your in-laws. You were not asking too much with your request they take your child for a week, and I can't believe your plea was ignored. My heart goes out to your distraught little one, and to you - I hope you are feeling better after a horrible summer. Sorry for the long-winded me-me-me response, but our stories are similar, and I want you to know I really really get it. ((Fern))

Thanks for articulating things so beautifully, MrsDan. I hesitated to create this thread precisely because I didn't want to seem like I was invalidating the pain and views of those who seek to recouple or who have found someone new. I don't feel superior or like "I got this", not at all (see solo parent angst). But I do think a little corner of the board needs to be created as a safe space for those who self-identify along these lines to express that it's okay to actually prefer to be alone going forward, or not to be looking, and acknowledge this without judgement. You have captured perfectly what I strongly believe the primary purpose of a place like this should be: a safe place, to vent or articulate thoughts without judgement, and for people to validate and support one another. Thanks for getting it, and as mentioned I am happy for you and others who are in new relationships. It inspires me, it is brave in many ways, and it is not for me.

Sending you much luck! Hoping for positive results for you.

Thank you for the response, freelancing. It sounds like you had a rough childhood, I am sorry. I do think that people can successfully recouple and blend families, and balance the needs of a child/children and a new partner -people do it all the time, including many on these boards. I think it's amazing and I am truly happy for those widows who find a Chapter 2. I'm not closed to anything that might happen in my future, just not looking and comfortable with that. Sounds like you have similar feelings.

Thanks all for the great responses. The title of the thread was a bit misleading (and possibly offputting, sorry!)- I know very many fellow wids are just fine being alone and are independent, yet still found chapter 2s or seek a life partner. I didn't mean it in a condescending way, as if to infer that if you are in the latter situation you are somehow not the former. I also validate the pain of those who seek a life partner, because in general I don't believe we are made to be alone. But I was and still am wondering if there are others who are doing okay on their own (from the perspective of not being a couple - I am so not okay as a solo parent, but that's a different thread) and not in or seeking a Chapter 2 now and possibly ever, and it seems like these people exist. I feel less like a sore thumb, thanks for the responses. I am glad to have a conversation and thread about this, and changed the thread title accordingly.

I am not sure if "Social Encounters" is the right place for this thread, but I have been reading with empathy the threads on recoupling and the thoughts expressed by those who have found or seek another, who do not feel like life will be complete without a partner. While I understand and honour these feelings, I don't have these thoughts, and was wondering if there is anyone else on the boards who feels the same way. Of course things may change, but I am not dating and have no desire to date. I am two years out. I am in no shape to recouple but I also have zero interest in doing so, and this may last my entire life. I am okay with this. I met my DH in my mid-30s after a long dating history. I have always done my own finances, been responsible for running the apartment or house alone, had evenings to myself, pursued a number of interests, etc. I became used to being alone, doing things alone or with friends (theatre, restaurants, cinema, travel all good). This is good, because the city I live in has a ratio of 7 to 1 eligible women to men. I am happy to answer only to my child and myself, and I don't wish to share decision-making about my child with anyone. My DH was a good man, the real man that I had been seeking, and I felt I won the lottery when I met him. Statistically I am skeptical it will happen again, especially as I am older now. Not long ago, I met the mother of my highschool sweetheart in the airport. She was widowed in her 40s, left with 4 children, the youngest of whom later died in a car accident (not my ex BF). I think of this mom often. When I saw her and introduced her to my child and told her about my widowed status, she said, "I never met anyone else. But I have been happy." Happy -that's saying a lot, especially with her double loss. I felt like I was seeing the future. Anyone else doing okay alone and not seeking another? To be clear, I am not looking for analysis of my life as I have put it here, just reaching out to those who may have similar feelings post-loss.

Treasure hunt sounds awesome. Good for her (and you)! Your post spoke to me (as usual) - the day before my child's 4th birthday we found out my DH had mets to his brain. The fog I was in and the hell of going through with the party...I will never forget it. Hugs and happiest of birthdays to your DD.

MegK, I am so sorry for your double loss.

Glad to see you again Candace. The new job sounds rewarding and meaningful. I am really sorry about the loss of your dad.

Beautifully stated. I support what Maureen says. I am two years out but I come here to hang out in a safe virtual space because I do not have any widowed friends my age in real life (IRL). I have no solo parent friends IRL either. I really appreciate it when new widow/ers post because chances are it resonates...and does not feel so long ago. Like yesterday sometimes, really. Please speak up if you have something to say or to vent about. Even if there are not many responses, people do care.

I'm Canadian. From Ontario, heart in Newfoundland. If you haven't been there, you should plan to go there someday. canadiangirl

I get that feeling, ieh21, having hoped aloud (not to him) 2 years ago that my DH would not pass on Christmas Day (for the sake of our child). You are not a shit. Of course you would want to make the day about Joe. It takes nothing away from your dying friend to wish for this- the friend would probably get it. I hope he holds on and I hope his passing is peaceful, for him and his wife and children. Will be thinking of you Friday.

And as I was sitting here wrapping, this little gem came on: I Will Follow You Into the Dark -Death Cab for Cutie. Lovely, actually. Despite the sad subject matter.

Good luck Jess and special someone! Now THAT's a Saturday night!

Hi MS and TS - small one is at an overnight, so wrapping presents.

I'm so sorry BH2 - didn't they pull this other years too and you didn't go? Don't they get the message? Makes no sense. xo

Thanks all for the solidarity- MUCH appreciated!

mo12, great to see you here. My brain still doesn't work either. We went into the grocery store tonight for something specific that I needed and we came out with other things but not the thing I went in for. Argh. ((mo12))

Thanks Mrskro- back at you. I recognize this is the plight of single parents everywhere, not just widow/ers.

And then there are the days when you feel terrible with a cold, the flu or whatever (could be worse). And you look around for anyone else to make the lunch, help the small one get dressed and out the door, take her/him to school so you can go back to bed. But there's no one. So you do all this and although you would love to go to bed where you belong, you drag yourself to work because of course you are behind at work, there is catch-up to be done. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. the next sick day. Posting because I am sure there are some who can relate to the day I am having.

Nonfiction- works by Alain de Botton and Malcolm Gladwell are in my bookshelf beside Freakonomics

Great news! Congratulations from here as well. So good to see such news.