canadiangirl

Hope to catch my breath, use that breath to get moving and get more fit, and use that better state of health to grow my hobby into a small side business. Reconnect with some friends. Feel more in control, move towards getting the house ready to sell. You are an inspiration, Wheelerswife, I can surely manage these modest goals if you can manage the big changes. Bottom line is I just hope 2017 doesn't suck like 2016 did, surely that is a pretty low bar, although 2013 was a record setting low for me personally. Best wishes to all for a better year.

Merry Christmas TofinoMan and adding best wishes for the holidays to everyone here. I am about to go "off grid" and wanted to send especial virtual hugs to those heading into their first holiday season without their loved ones and to the cohort of 2013. Courage. May we all find something to smile about, or some wonder and joy in the holiday, however small, wherever we are in this process.

Hi Indira, I am sorry for the loss of your husband. I really feel for your sons as well, that is traumatizing. There is quite a lot about parenting under the Widowed Parents section of these boards. My child is about the same age as yours and while I am not actually sure if it is making a big difference, grief counselling is to be preferred. The boys' school should be able to help out- I would reach out to them for the services of the school psychologist. Local bereaved families groups may also help your sons feel less isolated, and there are also summer camps in some parts of the US and Canada for grieving kids. Hold them close. All the best.

Solidarity, Eileen. I have a crazy drive ahead to my parents' place, 5-7 hours depending on snow and traffic. I am just dreading it and am always tired so it's especially onerous. I don't exchange gifts any more with my one sibling and his wife and I am so grateful. Maybe this will be the year that you all agree to stop doing it - I bet if you raise it, they will be relieved as well. That was the case here. I'm grateful for the holiday gathering invites and I don't want them to stop for my child's sake, but solidarity on it is still a chore and costs extra money for food or wine to bring along. Teacher gifts too! and we have 2 teachers and 3 assistants - ugh, $ out the door. I am feeling the financial pinch this year, it will be good to get a handle on it for next. I hope you have a decent holiday in any case -sending you more solidarity and support.

Same here. In fact, I just posted that essay by that young wid on my Facebook page and had the same conversation with myself about "will people think I am trying to gain attention or pity?" "will people think this is a cry for help?" "is this too depressing?" But I posted because I know I'm not stuck (or at least not irrevocably so) and I am not in need of attention, and I think (some) people really do care and want to try to understand without living it themselves. Same with posting about my husband- I don't do it for sympathy, I do it because I want to honour him, to remind people he was real, to mark sadiversaries, to inspire people to hold their loved ones closer and be grateful. I don't have the added complication/benefit of a new partner, but all the other stuff goes through my head. I too wish it wasn't so fraught, and we could just talk about death and the dead in a factual and accepting way. I'm just going to do it anyway, ultimately. One of the good things about being solo again is accountability stops here, I guess. Thanks for raising this.

Newgirl, thank you very much for this post. I loved it. Also loved your reply here: I don't have any issue with the author of that article giving a death slap to society, and (perhaps like you) I don't think her point is that any young widow will feel that way 3 years out. No way. She didn't radiate positivity and optimism but if that's false for her, it's her grief, her rules. I also don't think her audience was other widows. She got it off her chest, she gives zero fucks, more power to her.

I agree with serpico! It's different for everyone.

I came here today to post this article. Totally bang on, and beautifully written. The sections "Days filled with 'widow tasks'" and "How grief changes you" (cognitive impairment, that's for sure!) - resonated on all points. Thank you for sharing, and I hope others read it, although it could be triggering to some as well. ETA: I was thinking about why I valued this article so much, and I think it was because not only does it speak to many experiences I shared, but it is validating in a way. As I was reading, I found myself thinking empathically about how horrible this experience was for this woman, and how much trauma she and her husband went through. I don't walk through life feeling sorry for myself much these days, but I think the empathy I felt for this stranger could usefully be directed at myself on those days when I feel like I am failing on all fronts.

This one resonated so much in certain ways, and was hard to read but important. I think other former or current caregivers might find it cathartic too. The stuff she writes about the reactions of doctors and what they said - right on. In fact, there were many spots where I found myself nodding. http://avidly.lareviewofbooks.org/2016/11/30/leslies-house-of-nightmares/

Sending empathy and solidarity, TooSoon. I feel the same fatigue, right into my bones. And aging, yes, completely. Good luck with your interview.

SVS, my sincere condolences for your loss. I haven't had any great losses since my DH died, so this is not so familiar, but it makes a lot of sense (liked Adley's way of putting it). I'm trying to get to a better place emotionally in order to be able to deal with the eventual loss of my parents, with whom I am close, if that makes sense. I am totally afraid of this and my own reaction, so reading your story helped lessen that fear a little. Maybe what we went through actually protects us.

Trying, I am late to the party but so very happy for you. So great to hear this news. Congratulations and much continued happiness.

We seem to have been having quite similar experiences. 7 years old (mine has just turned eight) and Grade 2 was the absolute worst, far worse than terrible 2s, with more tantrums, more worries, more anxiety, and definitely more defiance. It was a year of precious little joy given my own levels of exhaustion and anxiety. I can only say that so far, Grade 3 and 8 years old has been somewhat better. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, but it is better. The Explosive Child by Ross Greene and the work of Gordon Neufeld were recommended to me. I do get it.

What First Widow said. I admire you very much. I also share your anxiety, as I need a new job and I need to move and I have no time, energy or motivation, and I am completely tapped out, in every way. Wishing you the very best in the home stretch of your degree.

Fuck ensuing market turmoil.

Didn't see your original post but wanted to chime in to say that you are not alone. We get it. I don't know the answer to when the hits stop coming. But I hope they do.

So sorry Mrs Kro. Fuck insensitive friends who say BS things. I hope your birthday was okay, all things considered.

You must go on. I can't go on. I'll go on. -Samuel Beckett, last lines of The Unnamable, as cited in Paul Kalanithi, When Breath Becomes Air

Thanks all for the kind words. Me too, SVS, I am starting to just laugh hysterically about the one-more-thing, I am totally overwhelmed. I am so sorry about the new health issue. And yes, plastic wrap with the blow dryer is the interim solution! ;-) I just discovered, no kidding, that my washer is leaking so a pipe must be fixed. Whatever the universe is trying to tell me, it's wet. I was about to write "onwards and upwards" but actually, it has been all upwards, a big long slog uphill. Downwards no better as things are always uphill so much that inevitably well-being is downhill. Going to have to simplify the metaphor: Onwards.

Soon it will be 3 years and the theme is leaks. My basement is leaking, such that everything stored down there is now damaged. My attic is leaking. In the summer, our toilet separated from the wall and leaked through the downstairs ceiling, damaging closets. In our first snowfall, my (horrible crank-style) window broke and now air is leaking into the house; there's a 10-12 week wait for window installation. One of the tires on my car has a slow leak. I am leaking money, sometimes on things that just require better organization. Some days I leak anger and some days I leak tears. Seriously, I hope these will all be plugged up soon. So wearing, so much one-more-thing, so costly financially and emotionally. And, as an added plus, I was rear-ended this week. I don't believe in karma because I don't believe my husband "got" what was coming to him, but I do wonder when my stars will align better, because this, to be frank, sucks s--t. Putting it out there for all those with leaks too.

Sending empathy and solidarity here too. My 3rd-grader was completely dismissed by his 2nd grade teacher who repeatedly pushed me to get an assessment for ADD/ADHD and did a whole "subtle" intervention pushing medication. His punitive and "just pay attention, just make an effort" yelling style totally turned my kid off learning, to the extent that no work was ever done in class such that they had to do a WIAT test at the end of the school year to ensure he wasn't lagging behind his peers. And guess what - true to the pattern in this thread, he tested as off the charts in most areas but below average/w peer group in sentence structure and spelling. My DH could not spell and had numerical dyslexia. ITA with TooSoon that ADD/ADHD is being used the way she describes and specialists here advising the gifted community are saying that giftedness is often misdiagnosed as ADD/ADHD. I'm coordinating all the psych-ed testing next month, and I don't think my son will actually score gifted "enough" for special programming and he may/may have ADD/ADHD, but I too don't plan to share all or much with the school, unless it is to the benefit of my child and I have confidence that they will do an IEP. They have not been very helpful, and not "seeing" children for what is the real (neurological) issue. I am still angry with the 2nd grade teacher for turning my child off learning and damaging his confidence to the extent that one weekend my son spent 30 minutes telling me how stupid he was (academically) and developed school anxiety, running away when it was time to go. I am sorry you are facing this too.

Hi ManutesGirl, I hope the rest of the angelversary went okay. That push and pull of happy/sad, good/bad is jarring, pulls one in different directions, totally agree. Hope the good is shining through this week.

Whoa TofinoMan, imissdow's daughter sounds like many 17 year olds. Nothing new or egregious there-- in fact she communicates with her mother, has a job and is into dance, that's more than lots of teens. The adult guy with the fragile ego of a teen giving unsolicited parenting advice (if it was) who cannot take a hint is the intolerable one. imissdow, sorry you went through this, hope things are a bit better now.

Just wanted to say that I have read this, I hear your anxiety and pain, and wish you good luck with the loan and (hopefully, if this is what you want), the sale. Hopefully you were successful and if not, find another good option.

Beautifully put. Hugs, bumbleb