Captains wife

I read a lot of the responses on this thread with interest as its a topic I have thought about a lot. I started dating about 14 months after my husband died and I desperately wanted to re-couple, I felt so lonely. Re-marriage was a real desire for me, and having a male figure in my young son's life. But I have been trying to date for almost 3 years and I've failed miserably at recoupling, even if I have had fun in the process. In a way, I miss being married as I loved the stability of it (especially with my son) but as time goes on, I too am getting more comfortable alone - and just being a family of two. There was a fair amount of drama in my marriage to my LH and I don't miss that. I am enjoying my new friendships, time with my son and spending quality with me and getting over the loss of my husband/my son's father. I admittedly enjoyed having a boyfriend when I did but the angst that went along with it too didn't help my grief - and it took away from my family and work time. At one point I thought I saw myself re-married again (and I wanted this for my son) but honestly I am not sure I am cut out for it anymore - and I don't want to bring my son into a situation that doesn't eventually work out. A number of people have said to me - "well, you haven't met the right person"....Maybe that is true but a part of it as well is that I enjoy my space and I enjoy my alone time with my son. (While I love socializing, I too am a bit of a loner). I am on a dating break for the foreseeable future and while ideally I would like to meet someone down the road - my "ideal" situation is to be in a committed, communicative, supportive relationship where we would spend some quality time together but also quality time apart. My last relationship fell apart, in part, as we didn't have enough quality time together and the lines of communication weren't open enough when we were apart. But I think with the right person my ideal situation could work. I also know that full time co-habitation hasn't worked well for me in the past. I have even thought about the idea of being re-married but would prefer 2 living spaces so we could each have our own space for part of the week and then we could be together for the other part of the week? Is that crazy?

That is so thoughtful and sweet. I love reading stories like that. For me, the one thing that stuck out in my mind was what a small boating shop in New Bedford did for me after my husband was suddenly killed saving a fellow boater. They heard what happened, knew I had a 9-month old and wanted to do something so started a collection for me at the shop. The amount wasn't a lot (and that didn't matter) but the thoughtfulness of it + the kind note that accompanied it in the mail is something I will never forget. I didn't know any of these people but they just wanted to help. And it was more support than I received from my husband's work place, which wanted me to basically go away.

1. Im standing my ground. 2. Signed up for a ballroom dancing lesson next week with an old friend I haven't seen in ages. 3. Sticking to new diet and its working like a charm !

I'm happy for a slow snow day too. I hear what u r saying....sometimes their presence seems a lifetime ago. Time just keeps going but they aren't here : ( I hope you get some peace with your quiet time today. Hugs....

It's been almost 4 years for me and I've stayed "married" to my late husband with my relationship status- the main reason is I like staying linked to his page. I'll sometimes post updates of my son on there for his contacts. I probably won't change this unless I get married again- way way down the line. I don't like the idea of just changing to say "I'm in a relationship" and I never did that when I did have a boyfriend.

Ouch. It would have nice of your best friend to put her own needs aside to understand that you need to what is best for you and your family - and get through this awful path of grief. I'm sorry she wasn't more supportive but you don't need that emotional drain right now. You need to do what's best to move on after what happened. Just keep some distance from her and do what you need to do. With all the technology these days your friendship doesn't need to end just because you move away- she should understand that. I found post widow my friendships changed a lot.

Love when people do acts of kindness out of the blue. And glad u got a nice break : )

I'm seriously not even going to waste my time with an email to this jerk. This behaviour is so hurtful after 1.7years together and bringing him into my world. One lesson I really learned in this whole thing - if the red flags are there and you are genuinely not feeling loved and supported in CH 2 then move on earlier....I also learned what I wanted to do differently next time. I think I just wanted to see the best in this person so I worked harder on the relationship than I should have : ( Thank you all for your support - it is much appreciated as this post break up feeling is very painful...even if it's the right thing.

Well I have my answer. He is back on Match.com...I haven't signed up but you can search for free and there he was. Very painful but I'm happy I haven't contacted him and it told me that I need to move on.

F*** that I cant sleep again F*** bad Chapter 2 relationships F*** that I never get a break these days F*** that my MIL is sick again F*** grief in general

I also agree - you should do what makes you feel comfortable. And if you and NG are in a serious relationship, why shouldn't he stay over? Plus your daughter is very young (I believe) so doesn't really understand what is going on so I think its fine to let her know your friend stayed over. I'm happy that things are going well - I know how difficult it is to navigate the dating scene with a young child !

I know I should be the bigger person here and contact him - but I am so angry and disgusted by his behavior at this point that I am just moving on. I don't deserve this silent treatment and if he is going to flip out over what was virtually nothing, it is symptomatic of larger issues on his side. I was the last person to be in contact, the ball was in his court and I'm tired of usually being the one to smooth things over.... I have enough on my plate and just want to be happy. Since it is now day 7 and we have never gone this long without speaking, I have to assume it is over and at this point I don't even care why (even though I am admittedly upset about it). Sometimes we just don't get closure. I will take some time out to re-group and then potentially re-visit the dating scene at a later time. Thank you again for letting me vent here - it helps me to deal with this crap.

I'm sorry...grief can be such a monster. You are also dealing with a lot of other things which can only exacerbate the grief. Please vent here- and remember there is no real timeline for grief. Please be good to yourself, maybe try and find activities, social scenes that give you comfort - I also found talking to a grief therapist and exercise helped me. I wish you better days ahead.

Thank you all- I really appreciate all the feedback. This really helps. Abitlost- he could really use some therapy and we as a couple could (just to communicate better) but when I mentioned it a while ago he turned down the idea. He thinks couples therapy is only for married couples...sigh. I feel as I've really tried here but it's not being recognized or reciprocated when needed.

Sorry Trying, this sucks. But I hear you - I feel like I take a step forward and 2 steps back in many aspects of my life, including professional, personal and as a mother. I also feel I am failing my young son sometimes - he has some developmental issues and some behavioral issues and I find it overwhelming to deal with while working full time etc. I am now considering dual therapy sessions for us as I recently have had trouble coping with parenting along with everything else. Its NOT simple but you are doing what you can and I can tell from your posts how much you care about you son (and your kids) and all the many things you have done to try and help your son. He also needs to take some responsibility at this age. Please take a day at a time, give yourself some slack and maybe focus on a few "projects" at a time - its impossible for one person to do everything. I have fallen off the wagon numerous times as it relates to exercise and eating - but, again, you have so much on your plate so just get back on track when you can and take small steps, there's no direct timeline.....Wishing you all the best and sending widow support.

Unfortunately after yet another texting episode, New Guy has gone silent on me again and it has been 6 days of the silent treatment. I sent the last text and I have been the one on prior occasions that reached out to him, including calling him, to work things out. I have now reached the end of my rope. After 1.7 years of being together, I don't deserve this type of treatment. It is so juvenile and in fact a cruel way to deal with someone who lost her husband suddenly. And, honestly, the texting was not even an argument - I was frustrated as he forgot about a date we had planned the week before. And I should be able to voice my frustration and not have to walk on egg shells all the time due to his past divorce issues. I guess from both sides this has been brewing for a while as we don't communicate well - and have a somewhat long distance relationship. Maybe there is more stuff going on on his side that he hasn't revealed? But I wish he would be man enough to talk to me honestly. Just needed a place to vent again - and please send me positive thoughts so I can move forward in a positive way.

Please don't think you are full of fail !! I do believe a lot of this can come down to timing and just luck in meeting the right match. And lets face it, as we grow up we realize more and more what we want and don't want in a relationship. But I also very much understand how you are feeling - I am on a very similar timeline and have been dating since July 2013. In that time, I have dated MANY men, had one 6-month relationship that was full of red flags and ended abruptly and now I am faced with the end of 1.7 year relationship that has ended abruptly again. I feel somewhat defeated by all this. I know what I would ideally like but I cant seem to find it. I feel as though I am trying to do everything right, including making myself happy with my life and building a good life for my son but I keep failing at new romantic relationships. I think being single is easier but I also feel the right relationship is worth the effort. I wish you all the best - you are a wonderful person and the right partner will see that and appreciate that.

1. In Florida now. Nice to get some sun and get away. 2. My son has really been moving along with his walking cast. 3. I am standing my ground re. New guy. I'm so tired of the cold shoulder treatment : (

Yes ladies...I feel the same way! Being a young widow changed me and in some ways for the better....but I am super sensitive too. And these Chapter 2 losses feel very painful, in a different way.

My moods just seem worse as a widow...and my concentration at work : (

Still lost. So many things you wrote resonated with me. My son is now 4.5yrs but lost his dad at 9 months. He is starting to talk about the loss of his Dad a fair amount. I miss my DH but I'm primarily sad for my son - we were going to have another child but now I feel it's too late for me so he is likely to be an only child. And there is such a void without his Dad - and my current relationship doesn't fill any of that void for him. I also feel uncomfortable for some reason trying to bring a new man into my son's life - no one can ever replace what he lost.sometimes I feel like the future may just be the 2 of us. We are moving on with our lives and trying to live it to the fullest- but that void remains, especially for my son and I feel so sad for him. Just wanted to post to say I understand and send widow support. This is so tough......

1. I had some company for the big winter storm which was a nice change. 2. I am back on track with my workout regime. Have new weight goal ! 3. I am planning for my trip to FL this week - with my son. Will be a nice getaway from this cold !

I wanted to add that I feel as though expressions of emotions from guys tended to move more quickly when I dated in my 20s and 30s. I feel with life experiences, baggage that this emotional timeline may stretch out for certain people as they get older (including me). Dating in my 40s, with kids involved, seems sooo different. Of course when a guy said "I love you" on date 2 to me that was WAY too fast lol. I also wonder if some guys equate saying the "L" word with having to take the relationship to the next level so they really proceed cautiously? I also read some study that women tend to use the L word faster than men, but when men fall in love, they fall deeply.

I'm very sorry - this was a relationship you were clearly invested in. It is another loss...I'm finding my Chapter 2 to be so very challenging so understand. Please be good to yourself during this difficult time- although not the same, I was really upset after my first break up in Chapter 2, including taking sick days from work and lying around the house all day. Things that helped included seeing my grief therapist, reading self help post break up books and reaching out to friends to socialize as well as keeping busy generally. Sorry again....

So sorry you are feeling this way (and understand) but glad u found us here. My son was 9months old when my husband suddenly died- and I've realized at 4 years that I'm not going to get over it. When it first happened I kept asking my grief therapist when I was going to feel better and she kindly explained that it doesn't work that way. I was only married for 3 years less 2 weeks and we had planned for more children. We just bought a new house and moved to a beautiful suburb and started a business. Then it was gone so quickly. But I feel that we are doing ok these days - getting on with our lives, laughing, moving onto new experiences and growing. Yet it isn't the same and although I miss my partner, I particularly miss the good father he was and feel sad for my son who doesn't remember him. I have realized I'm not going to get over this and I feel sad that life isn't going to be how I thought but I will say that I've grown from this experience, realized I'm stronger than I thought and really trying to focus on what makes me and my son happy, despite our loss. But as you wrote, it isn't easy, especially as a single parent. This community of people has been a real life line for me so please keep posting and keep in touch. For me, to help me continue to move forward I have tried a myriad of things and it has helped (and I've posted about this). Wishing you all the best- and please be good to yourself.