Captains wife

Ok - on a whim and out of restlessness I resigned up to Match.com over the weekend just to dip my toes in the water after a bad break up a month ago. Although I have had a lot of obligatory "hi" or double "hi" emails, I observed something new- some men now have these long, canned reach out emails so it looks as though they are sending you a thoughtful personalized email but it's really a copy and paste (generic sentences describing your profile plus tidbits about their life and interests). I just got one very corny one and wish I could figure out how to copy and paste it here from the site via my iPad.

Thanks for organizing- was a lovely way to spend a lunch, early afternoon.

Sorry....I so get it. I think we all deserve a break and it would be nice for a change for things to fall into place. Life is so exhausting now....you have tons on your plate between work, child and LD relationship so vent away. Enjoy your well deserved evening out- I took 2 of those for myself this week and it worked wonders....

I'm so so sorry....please take good care of yourself after such a turbulent experience. Please try not to bear the burden of guilt- this was his destructive decision. I am sorry the pain that this is causing you- I am also sorry for your loss.

I'm sorry, the Chapter 2 and trying to re-couple and put ourselves out there is tough, tough, tough. And Im so sorry you are feeling this way....I've been trying to recouple for 3 years with not great results but I will keep trying (at some point). I don't know your situation specifically but if you do want to re-couple, please remember there are a lot of potential matches out there. And there are other creative ways to meet people rather than online dating (social clubs, meet up groups, hobby groups for example). I think we all deserve to find a partner and love again - but we are all moving on different timelines. Widow hugs to you during this time - please find things that give you comfort right now.

That's so sad....far too many.....

Thank you! I'm definately in- babysitter lined up and I'm in the city this weekend so see you guys on Sun!

First of all. I am so sorry that you lost your DH so young. I am happy to hear you have a new partner you are really happy with. I am surprised that you were told by a therapist to "move on" - that seems harsh because the loving memories and sense of loss (especially so young) will stay with you. Its about dealing with them in your own way. Of course you expect the worse - look what you went through ! So many people around us too just "want us to feel better" but as Ive learned it doesn't work that way. When I just wanted to "feel better" my therapist calmly explained to me that your body needs time to heal and deal with such a loss and this takes a long time. So please take the time you need and get the help you need to do that. I might think about a new therapist, coming here is helpful and please go easy on yourself given all your life changes too. I know a lot of people think I have "moved on" in my life (especially since I had been dating) but I still mourn our loss a lot (at almost 4 years out) and Ive learned my therapist is right - I cant just put this behind me and "feel better" and I need to keep dealing with it and learning to live with it. Sending lots of widow support.

Before I started dating, I was very concerned about dating as a single parent of a young child and many questions crossed my mind. What man would be willing to make the sacrifices to date me (with my busy life) and be involved with my son since he lives with me full time? My son is the most glorious kid, would a partner also think that? How did I feel about taking time away from my son in these years to date? How was this even going to work? Many friends told me that a man would be lucky to have both of us in his life but I am starting to feel skeptical this is ever going to happen - the reality seems different since I have been dating for 3 years. I am proud and so lucky to have my son and I am trying to be happy alone...but I have to be honest and say I am sad to be alone again. In my dating life, I am always upfront about the fact that I am a single parent and that my son is my priority although I also make it clear that I make time to allow for alone time for the significant other in my life. I found so far there have been 2 key camps of men (sorry for the broad generalizations) - 1) Men who are interested in me until they realize I am a single parent/widow and run like the wind (had a few dates cancelled on me after we talked on the phone and they found out my "status") or 2) Men who say - "yes, great you have a young boy am happy to be involved" but then they really cant deal - i.e. my last boyfriend who claimed he wanted to be involved with my son as well as me, couldn't wait to teach him things like swimming etc. but then stopped making an effort to even connect with him while he visited us and actually complained that my son was at his summer house "too much" (i.e. 2 weekends only the entire summer last summer). Its also clear to me that he didn't take my son into consideration when he just left the relationship without a word (i.e. my prior posts). Although I am on dating hiatus right now, I did start looking at Match.com last night, in my area and in Boston, and one thing stood out clearly for me - many men out there who would be in my age dating pool either don't want children in the picture or want you to have grown children. In my age bracket (mid 40s) they are "done" raising kids or don't want to at this point and want to enjoy life and have the freedom to do whatever. I am also restricted by the fact that the dating pool in my area (suburbs 1hr south of the city) is very limited so I realistically would likely meet a better match in the city (only 1 hour away is fine for me but so many men on Match.com want women within 5-15 miles of where they live). I am starting to think it is going to be impossible to find a man that will accept me and my single parent status (with a young child) and my busy situation. I don't expect to find a "replacement" for my son's father but is it too much to ask for someone who would be willing to be a good male role model for him?? Maybe I really need to think about going it alone (my mother thinks so since I am so busy anyway)?? Can anyone add some perspective on their experiences of dating with young children? Words of encouragement? I honestly feel a little defeated at this point.....

Vent away - I hear you on this one. Recently I have just wanted to lay in bed and watch TV with my son with little motivation to do anything else - given I have mountains of stuff on my plate and it seems overwhelming (swamped at work, charity work I had committed to a long time ago, son's rehabilitation, stuff with house, keeping up with day to day stuff etc etc). I have thinking about taking a small sabbatical from work (although I know I won't in the end). I am one tired 40+ year old as well - and somehow I need to rejoin the dating ranks at some point too. Ugh.

I hear you and understand - Also solo parent to solo 5 year old boy. Its so hard to find our way, and its so unfair on our little ones. I'm sorry your little guy is having a hard time at school - its overwhelming to deal with alone. I've been there a few times this past year. A 4-year old pic surfaced on FB of my late husband and our son - they were standing on the beach near our house (we just bought it and were so excited for our new life) - and I think - how did we get to this place ? How could this have happened to us? I can imagine that you feel the same way : ( I'm starting therapy with my son this week as I am struggling right now and know I need some help to deal with my son's difficulties and his grief. I hope this will help. Sending widow support.....

I just felt like laying low all weekend. Sat night consisted of pjs by 4pm, ramen for dinner and both my son and I in bed by6.30 watching tv. I fell asleep watching Frasier re-runs. Sigh : (

I "celebrated" with a salsa lesson and a few glasses of wine with a male friend : )

Thank you for posting this update. It's was very inspiring how you have moved on and I'm so happy to hear you and your son are thriving in your new environment. It is understandable that new trust will take time. Your late husband I'm sure would be so proud of both you and your son now. We all learn from mistakes - what is important is the next steps you take. And your positive attitude will carry you far : ) Lots of widow support and hugs!

After 3.5 weeks, I finally got a message from him saying he was sorry for his behavior and the way he handled everything. That really helps me from a closure perspective.

My 4yr old son is no longer a nap taker but I have him in pre-school 5 days a week now, plus our nanny keeps him pretty busy while I am at work. By the weekend, he is often exhausted especially if he is going through a growth spurt (and he has been going through one - his height is off the charts!). The other thing I would point out is how well is she sleeping at night ? I have had to sleep in my son's new room since his broken leg and I can now see why he is so tired some days - he is a VERY restless sleeper, grinds his teeth at night and has been more actively dreaming (as well as having nightmares since he is exposed and aware of more things vs. when he was a baby). Therefore, some nights he just tosses and turns and explains why he is so tired after an active school day. Of course, watch for any other symptoms but it could be (and likely is) some of these simple explanations.

That is incredibly disheartening, especially after all you do for your school/community.....please take care - such an event would unsettle anyone, and you don't need this on top of your grief.

1. Signed up for a women's healing/empowerment group tonight. I feel like I need some empowering... 2. Have put some nice activities on my calendar for the upcoming weeks so I don't feel so restless post Ch2 breakup. 3. My 4yr old son gets his cast off this week !!! Its been a long 2.5 months.

Agreed - do what feels right. You sound as though you are really making the effort to make positive changes in your life to try and move forward so maybe it is time ? My husband died suddenly only 3 months after we moved to a new suburb town and bought a house (sized for several expected children) and I knew no one and felt isolated but didn't have the energy to move. I have been growing into my town over the past 4 years and my son and I are pretty happy here - but the memories of what happened really linger. Logistically, its also a hard commute, hard to manage, I miss being close to my family....I also have been craving change (i.e. a big move) for a while now....and wish I personally could muster up the energy to do it. I am inspired by those on the board that have!

This is completely understandable. There is something to be said for being contented with one's own life - and I think it so important to be so. Dating can be such hard work, and especially with kids, new lives, baggage etc. involved. You shouldn't online date if you don't like it and focusing on your son and your own life is very positive. Maybe you will feel differently later on - or maybe other forms of socializing would be more fulfilling? Have you tried any Meetup.com groups related to your interests and hobbies? I feel your pain. I have been trying to date for almost 3 years now (online), had one 6mth relationship and one 1.8yr relationship and both of them failed miserably - and the end was also really painful (surprisingly). I live in the burbs, have a full time job and a 4yr old so I have limited free time and I put a lot of effort into my last relationship. I currently feel I don't have the energy for it again and so am on a dating break. (Of course my ex was out dating immediately, and on the site we met on - sigh). And, this is unusual for me as I never minded dating all that much in the past (even though it can be frustrating at times) - but post widow dating just isn't the same and seems too hard right now. However, as much as I am ok on my own for now (and spending time with family, friends) - I do know that a part of me wants to re-couple at some point. (Its not for everyone but I'm not sure I want to be on my own forever). I don't know what that "re-coupling" will look like (i.e. I'm not sure I want a household integration while raising my young son) but I do feel it is worth the effort. Yet I also have come to realize that I can only tackle this part of my life when I "feel ready" and have the strength and willingness to do so. I don't think Ill ever meet anyone as loving as my husband but I do hope to meet someone with certain other qualities that was missing in my relationship with him. After my first CH 2 breakup, I dove right back into online dating as I so wanted to have a boyfriend - and to fill the void of the loss of my relationship - but then what happened was disastrous and I ended up with a boyfriend that had characteristics that I might not have put up with for so long if I had waited until I was in a better frame of mind to date. I'm rambling a bit - but wanted to express my understanding of your dating frustration and my support that you are going it on your own (and with your son) for now.

So sorry Maureen...count me in. I'm still in my pjs at 4pm and just feel blah today. Binge watching tv and movies just to get through day.

I'm angry too. I was very angry in the first 2 years in particular but these past 2 years have been better. Sometimes it resurfaces and it's hard when it hits again. I think of what a mess my husband left behind for me to clean up, all the responsibilities and the things I found out after he died. It's really changed me but I am working hard to move forward in a positive way...even when life seems to be handing me some lemons lately. This recovery takes a long time : ( Sending widow support....

Wow...didn't know those types of search options were available via state court sites. Thanks for the date snooping tip! : ) There are so many crazies out there- and liars as I have found out!

I'm post CH 2 break up so am laying very low. My 5yr old son and I will just hang at home. The year before last I threw a single ladies Valentines Day dinner and it was a blast. Don't feel up to it this year. My husband always did something nice for me on VD- I know the holiday is way over materialized but it's nice to spoil a special someone in an extra special way that day. Sigh

I get mommas guilt often- I work 4 days a week for 12 hour days and when I was dating I would take some extra me time. However, I came to realize as a single parent we can't do everything and it won't hurt your daughter to have a little independence from you- as long as your daughter is bonding with your babysitter, why not have her put her to bed one day a week? Agree with TooSoon- happy mommy equals happy kid so you need to get a break once in while. And it sounds like your relationship is going well (yeah!) and that will reap long term benefits for you and your daughter. Your daughter will adapt to the new routine...my toddler son did with our nanny.