Captains wife

Needy too - it's rough when you see friends on FB etc doing social activities and you aren't invited. This used to really upset me. But over time, I guess I focused more on my life and my family to keep me from feeling too alone and to help support my happiness. I can't for the life of me understand why people act the way they do sometimes and while I may still internally obsess over it for a little while, I now let it roll off my back more easily. I used to feel very socially needy after my husband died because I was virtually alone but now I diversify my social outlets and diversify my friendships. I am also enjoying my alone time more than I used to. It's hard but try not to take some of your friends actions so personally, if certain friends continue to upset you then branch out to new friendships and also take control of your social time (like going on the hike!, finding hobby groups you might enjoy)...it feels better when in the driving seat. Venting is a good way to get it out of your system too. Reach out to people you like spending time with and be the instigator of new plans sometimes (and then you can choose who is invited) even if it doesn't always work out : ) wishing you all the best,

I'm so sorry...I just finished commenting on your other post. Having just gone through a painful break up as of end Jan (after a 20 month relationship) I understand what you are going through now - and it sucks. Here is what I did to help me through. It still hurts now but I feel MUCH better than a few months ago. 1. Read some self help books - I liked "getting past your breakup" and "it's called a break up because it's broken". 2. Increased visits with my grief therapist so I could talk and cry about it. 3. Find a break up buddy. This is someone or a few people you can contact when you need support. I really believe in the no contact rule (at least 30 days or 90 days preferably) so if there are moments you feel you must talk to him, reach out to your break up buddies. (Feel free to message me if you like!), 4. Find ways to keep busy - for me it was work, my son and going to the gym as well as finding other social outlets. 5. Refrain from dating for a period - it's tempting to jump right back in but you need a grieving period as it's tough. I posted some articles on this - we get "physically addicted" to people so part of the break up process is getting through the physical withdrawal (which also includes emotional). 6. Vent - here for example if you need to get stuff out of your head. 7. If you are having a bad day make sure you spoil yourself - take time from work, go to the spa, retail therapy, stay in bed and watch tv and have a good cry if you need to. Sending hugs your way....

This is a tough one as that is not something I would want to hear when trying to formulate a serious relationship with someone. It really comes down to what you are ok with and that you are protecting your heart from potential future disappointment. But just to add a different perspective - I've been in the situation that your guy is in now. Trying to move forward with someone I care for while still pining over the loss of an ex (not my husband) - and at the time I told him how I felt, which was a terrible idea and in the end was the downfall of our relationship eventually. But when I look back on the situation, I realized that given the kind of person I am I was just having a hard time letting go of someone I cared for and I was romanticizing our prior relationship - and it wasn't at all fair to the new guy I was dating. And in hindsight I was glad my ex and I didn't get back together as he wouldn't have made a good life partner (far too selfish). It's not fair to keep you in limbo for sure but maybe your guy is just having a hard time emotionally extricating himself from his past relationship - and maybe it's just taking longer than the normal timeline (but doesn't mean they should be back together). But he should take some space to do that if that's what he needs. Exes are exes for a reason....wishing you all the best- none of this is easy.

Needytoo - yes, good for you in going to this retreat yourself ! It is hard to stand strong alone sometimes but in the end you will reap the rewards from it. Some of what you wrote resonated with me as I am quite introverted and have had issues in the past with making and maintaining friends..and it was partially related to the fact that I hate rejection and don't take it well. But what I have learned over time and now I am "mid life" that many people will come and go from our lives and sometimes people are only meant to be in our lives temporarily and for certain reasons...and then we can grow in different directions. Since I was left widowed in a small town where I didn't know anyone I forced myself after year 1 to do something about it - and it was hard as people weren't knocking down my door to join my social circle. So I joined some interest clubs (wine tasting, sailing, widows), and I forced myself to start reaching out to women where I thought we had something in common and could be friends - and arranging to meet for coffee, or lunch or a glass of wine or trying to get involved in neighborhood events..and I kept doing it, even when it didn't work out. And eventually, I formed a few local friendships with great people because I made this effort and I make an effort to keep in touch (even if just by text sometimes, or by FB). But during this process, a number of people fell by the wayside and it was difficult but I learned a lot from it and don't take this type of rejection personally any more. Sometime lifestyles or friendship needs are just different between 2 parties. The right friends will "get" you and want to be in your space. What your friend said was hurtful (and not necessary for sure) but she should recognize as well how much you are growing. Good for you for recognizing things that you want to work on and moving forward...In terms of being alone on the weekends - I know all about that.....but I try and get out at least every other week to at least Meetup.com events (adult only so I have adult time) or I text a friend and invite them over for a glass of wine or I arrange things for my son and I to do (and take the initiative, such as booking a condo on the Cape over July 4th which is a very lonely holiday for me normally). All the best,

I would like to try and make this as long as I can get babysitting : )

There are some great responses on here. I have a young child so know how much time and energy it takes and parenting does consume a lot of time and focus. However, saying that....it just seems like your friend is wrapped up in her own world and probably doesn't fully understand how important this walk is to you. And probably won't. It's fine to say something although not sure why she isn't being 100 percent honest why she can't go - maybe she feels bad? But it was a positive sign that she called on your 4yr sadiversary- at least she understood that and thought about you. I honestly find these days that my married friends with kids make limited time for me- even though I have kids my life is seperate from theirs, and different. I have just accepted it and keep in touch with those I want to and accept the limitations. When I was married I spent and made time for my single friends and as a single parent I make time for my single friends...but that's me.

Hey - are we trying to date the same guys ? lol I have tried to date guys who I thought were "my type" - and every one of them turned out to be complete jerks. Since then I have looked for a new type !

Its nice that you found a connection but I would proceed with caution. While online dating has its positives (I met my LH online on Match!) and I have used it since, I would be generally wary of anyone getting into any type of serious relationship talk too fast, especially if you haven't met in person. It could be this guy is a "relationship" guy so some guys move faster than others (and it could be that he has honorable intentions), especially if they meet someone they like. But protect yourself too ! Remember it does tend to be all roses at the beginning but its important to take time to get to know someone. But in the meantime, have fun !!

Sorry- it sucks when Chapter 2 relationships have a great start then you realize over time it's just not going to work. Hope you guys can have a civilized conversation about it at some point-breaking up is tough on both parties : (

First of all I am very sorry for your loss. A lot of what you said resonated with me. I lost my husband suddenly 4 years ago (today!) and I spent at least the first year feeling like I was being "punished" for not being a better wife, not being more accepting and wishing I had been more loving and patient on many occasions. But I eventually let these go and I have tried to focus on the positives of our life together - and in all the ways I WAS a good wife. But I did grow a lot from losing him and I think it has helped me be a better partner this time around.....

Ill join as I'm trying to refocus. 1) Continue to work on a plan for my son's development as he is heading to school full time this Sept. I have bought some "fine motor skills" supplies and I am engaging the nanny to work with him during the days I am at work. This plan is kicking off this week. 2) Keep to new diet...I really slipped in the past few months and I very focused on losing 10 more pounds which will be done via diet and exercise. 3) Plan a romantic evening for NG's birthday (in the week ahead) which is coming up in 2.5 weeks - he has been so sweet to me and I would like to do something for him in return.

Wow- good for you. It's great to see those taking their lives in new unexpected directions. I have fantasies about picking up and moving/leaving as I sometimes wonder what the heck I'm doing here in this small town. But I am caring for a now 4 yr old so I am anchored for now - but I did take a few extended trips post widow, including to the UK and Malaysia.

Wow. What is wrong with some people! Sorry : ( You and your family have been through quite enough.

Well put - for a long time my sadness was partially related to the fact that my life wasn't working out how I thought it would work out. And I kept comparing my life to the lives of others (or at least how they portrayed them). And I still do that to some extent. BUT I have been working on letting these things go....and focusing on happiness in the last few years. Its hard to change mindsets but possible when we try.

I went through that for a while - or maybe I was willing myself to see him. I can imagine it is part of the grief process. Solo parenting is rough but good to hear you are doing ok. I am hitting year 4 and he has been gone for longer than we were married too (2 weeks shy of 3 years). I know, it does seem weird. All the best,

It sucks that my nanny has been off (car accident) so I have been trying to juggle a million more things than usual as well as manage temporary childcare. It sucks that my sadiversary is in 4 days. Where did the time go ? It sucks that my son keeps asking about his Dad (as he is growing up). It sucks that I, as a single parent, stand out like a sore thumb in the small town I live in - where everyone is 2 parent families with multiple kids. It sucks that we just went on a family reunion holiday and everybody missed my husband too. I kept thinking how much he would have loved Mackinaw Island. It sucks that for some reason I am grieving the loss of my husband but also the loss of my ex as well as a few of my friends. It sucks when people just disappear. It sucks that more young widows have to keep joining our ranks.

Great question and great to see and contemplate differing opinions. I believe it partly differs based on the age of the children. I have a soon to be 5 year old and he needs me more than an older child in certain ways. He is my priority in many respects but I also make time for my adult relationships. I believe that happy parent = happy children and, for many, being in a healthy relationship is a key part of that (it is for me). However, in my last relationship I realized (only afterwards when I looked back) that for a while I was prioritizing my partner vs. my son as I was trying to build a relationship with him first and then blend the two worlds together. This failed for me and I learned valuable lessons from this. I believe there should be a happy medium between a new partner and kids - in either a new marriage or in having a new partner. Although my son will come first in certain ways I think its very important to set aside time to spend with new guy alone as I am getting to know him. I also want him to know he is important in my life. I am trying to blend the two worlds this time around as luckily our 2 sets of children are on the younger side and get along well - so I am lucky to be able to spend time with my new guy AND all our kids as well as having our solo date nights. Sure, my son would rather I be at home every night with him but I know I need my breaks and need adult time so I am currently setting time and dates apart where I can spend alone with new guy. I am sure its different with a new spouse vs. a boyfriend but I feel like just prioritizing children could create problems down the road. Creating some sort of schedule in blending families is key I think - ie. make it known in advance that child A has to go to baseball on a certain night or there are certain day you want to spend with your kids but then (for example) Friday night is date (alone) night and try and commit to that plan. With your kids as older, maybe have nights where you two might have dinner alone and the kids can eat together ? Can you plan activities where all of you spend time together as well ? I feel like there can be a middle ground between new partners and kids but it requires a little compromising on all sides - and listening to what everyone needs too is important.

Sorry Momtojandj - I have been there ! Online dating IS frustrating and I feel that many men don't have interests aligned with mine but pretend they do for physical reasons. And the ghosting just sucks....So I hope I can provide some words of encouragement. I was getting serious dating fatigue recently - had the ghosting issue, some crazy dates and I felt so frustrated and pissed off with the whole process. I felt burned by my last relationship as well. I feel when it gets like this you should take a little time away from online and return when you feel you can stomach it again. Or try another site. Then come back to it with a sense of humor and open mind. And I know there are good men out there and we just need to weed through the "undesirables" to find them. Very unexpectedly, I ended up meeting (and am now dating) a guy I wasn't particularly taken with online but then we really clicked in person. And it happened when I was about to throw in the towel on dating generally as I was very discouraged....but I am glad I gave him a chance (as I ignored him at first and was actually kind of rude in my email as I was at that pissed off stage) and that he gave me a chance. Keep going when you are ready - but take a breather maybe and then return to it.....I wish you all the best - you deserve to find someone who will spoil you and treat you the way you SHOULD be treated.

That sounds very very frustrating for sure - but I am guessing he meant well and was trying to help.....But part of this dating process is figuring out what you can and cant deal with in a relationship. You do sound super independent and on top of things - it may be that it is too difficult to be with someone who seems a little haphazard about things. But from your other posts he also sounds like a good boyfriend to you and maybe you just need to be clearer about the boundaries (ie. please don't do stuff when I ask you not to) ? Maybe take some space if you need it, and explain that you have a lot of things on your plate you need to deal with - that could also give you some reflection time? All the best....this Chapter 2 stuff is tough.

Alexswife - how heartfelt and brave that you watched the wedding video on your sadiversary. I haven't ever seen mine (we were saving it for our 3rd wedding anniversary but he died 2 weeks before that one) and I cant yet bring myself to watch it. As I approach the 4 year mark myself in 2 weeks, I keep thinking - how can it be 4 years since we all came here ?? Sometimes it seems forever ago, sometimes it seems yesterday. And FB keeps posting memories on where I was 4 years ago with my husband so its almost like seeing the build up to my sadiversary. It makes me sad but the other night I went to a widows/widowers social group and there were so many attendees there who were between 2 and 12 months out and my heart broke for them - I could see how raw the loss still was and it reminded me of how far I have come in these 4 years.

Had a drinks date on Sat that was perfectly pleasant (and had a good laugh so I am thankful) but I wonder why some guys seem to think we are so compatible when I don't see it at all ? On a more positive note, after date no. 4 with cute Turkish engineer yesterday (in which we both brought our young kids and it was such a lovely day in his neighborhood - he even made all of us lunch) I have firmly decided to hang up my "multi-dating" hat and will go exclusive with the Turk - eeek ! But seriously, he seems great (and he wants the same relationship status) so I am going to take a chance.

. Momtojandj - this type of dating behaviour totally pisses me off. We all have busy lives (and as single parents we do especially) so I expect other adults to be mindful of that. The fact he didn't reach out to you by that time is not respecting your time. I think better, other men are worthy of your time. I don't know why these crazy online games are played either but I also know there a lot of fish in the sea! Maybe throw him back : )

I can't do this now due to date change

I tried to sign up for speed dating in Boston but it kept getting cancelled as enough men didn't sign up. I haven't heard a lot of success stories from speed dating but think it's a great idea. Sucess probably depends on timing and location....I say- why not? : )

This article hit the nail on the head. Thanks for posting!