Wheelerswife

Hi, Jess, I went to a young widow(er)s support group after my first husband died. It was helpful, but not nearly as helpful as getting to know some of the people on a website like this one. (There was a site called YWBB that shut down almost 2 years ago...this site grew out of that site closing.) There was a chat room that I found very helpful. There still is a chat room you can find on this site, too, but I don't know how much it is being used these days. It may not be for everyone, but I really recommend that many of you newer folks check it out. It was like I had my own "class" of younger widows and widowers, mostly in a similar time frame, and we got to know each other by chatting almost every night for months. Eventually, I met some of them in person, and some of them have truly become my friends. I have also met others at bagos across the US as well as one in Saskatchewan and one in Australia. Yeah, I'm a bit of as traveler. I think each of us has to figure out what works best...and if a local grief group is helpful, by all means try it. I attended a general grief group for awhile after my second husband died, and honestly, I didn't connect with people who had different kinds of losses, but others in the group found it helpful. Good luck to you! Maureen

Hugs to you, KrypticKat. I'm sorry you have been through so much with losing your husband. It is hard to understand that other people grieve as we do, but you were the person your husband chose to devote his life to...and you him. Your MIL doesn't understand this, and her actions, while rooted in her own grief, are hurtful. I have 2 hurting MIL's myself. I have very limited contact with my second husband's family anymore. It took me 2 1/2 years, but I finally came to the place where I was able to release many of his belongings to his brother. Right after my husband died, his brother came from Alaska, planning to take over all of the preparations for a memorial service and I believe, take possession of his brother's property (which was now MY property!) I had been down this road once before, so I knew I was going to have to set boundaries - quickly. I shut his brother down pretty quickly, while trying to respect his loss, too. He was bold enough to bring up taking care of his brother's will, thinking he was getting something out of it. I only had to say one sentence: "There is a will; everything goes to me, and I am the executor." He was shocked, I think. He did manage to sneak some bookmarks, of all things, belonging to his brother. If he had had the courtesy to ask, I probably would have given them to him, as they were both used bookstore enthusiasts. I don't know if this can work for you, but perhaps you can try to have a conversation with his mother. Tell her you have connected with some other people who were widowed young and talked to them about their experiences. Many of us find solace in having their belongings with us and can't bear to part with them for quite some time, but eventually, most of us can let go of a lot of things. Ask his mother to make a list of what is important to her, so that when the time comes when you can consider letting go, you can consult her list and give her first dibs on what she would like. My BIL accepted this response, and this past summer, he took possession of a heap of things I would have truly thrown away. He told me it was important for him to have everything he could get and he was grateful. He doesn't know what he didn't get - there are just some things that should remain private for someone (like old financial records and love notes from old girlfriends!) but his brother took possession of childhood toys, hundreds of books, notes from college classes (why?) and a host of other things that I didn't have to dispose of. I wish you well. You really don't have to be best friends with his family. I imagine over time, the connection to them will become more distant, but remember that they will grieve him, too, in a different way than you, but you were his chosen love. Hugs, Maureen

E/ISFJ here. My second husband was an INTP. I tend to like to make connections with others who have walked this road. DH2 was also widowed, but tended to process more internally. He read a lot, listened to music, and would come to me for quiet comfort when he was sad, but he would listen to me when I wanted to talk. Maureen

I am down 20 pounds since Thanksgiving. I have a long way to go, but my head is finally in the game. Maureen

When I was diagnosed with a rare and aggressive cancer just weeks after my second husband died, I just wished it would take me out quickly. It has not...and 3 years later, I'm seeing some light ahead. I remember posting after my first husband died that I wanted to lay down on "my" side of our grave and just fall asleep and die. Then, they would just have to dig a hole and role me in. I think a lot of people have these feelings...not everyone, certainly, but I assure that they will likely pass as time goes on. That has been the case for me...twice. Hugs, Maureen

I met a couple of wids in Sydney in 2012 when I was visiting there. Australian widow(er)s do occasionally show up on American-based widow boards, so don't give up hope. I connected with the Aussies on the precursor to this board, which has since shut down. Maureen

I sat at home for the last few days, unable to keep myself away from the television. I feel as though I am in a world where I am barely a participant. I know each of us has our own politics, and I don't want to turn this into a political post, but I feel so empty without having John with me to share the emotions I've experienced in the last months and weeks...and days. I have a pretty active world on Facebook...but so many of my friends live far from me. Many were out marching and participating in protests yesterday while I sat alone in my house, trying to make myself do something that will move me closer to my eventual move. (I eventually packed up a dozen boxes of his books I had decided not to keep.) Several local acquaintances were marching more locally...if 2 1/2 hours away can be considered local. But knowing that others had organized and traveled together only served to show me that indeed, we are merely acquaintances, as nobody even thought to invite me into their circles. Had John been here over the last couple of years, I would have had hundreds of hours of conversations about the state of our country. We would have been actively involved and out there yesterday...somewhere in this country...marching and communing with others who believe in the dignity of people like and unlike ourselves. He would have also marched on behalf of his late wife, who was passionate about women's rights and interests. I hate that my soul still feels so crushed by his death. He was such an incredible partner and I never felt so embraced and challenged by anyone else in my life. He got me...and I reached him, too - in different ways, but in ways that we both needed. He just never should have died. Thanks for listening. Maureen

Hugs to you, Viva. I just passed the 3rd anniversary of my second husband's death 10 days ago. I understand all that you say. I'm marching forward, unwilling at times. This isn't the life I expected, but it is the life I have right now. I shed tears with you. Maureen

Rob, my friend, Hugs to you and R and S as well. I ache reading your post. I know how much you love your girls and having met them a few times, I've seen a wee bit of their spunk, especially Miss R. I am glad she trusted you enough to open up to you. I know she has challenged you in trying to figure out just who she is. I also know that you are completely unselfish in that you have put your girls first in your life and you have worked hard to parent them without your beloved Michelle to walk this walk with you. I hope that R will choose to open up to some type of counselor so that she can address her depression and the confusion of this life she is growing into. Hugs and more hugs, Maureen

I'm a poster myself. I just passed the third anniversary of my second husband's death and then his birthday 5 days later. I still post pictures and memories of him. I'm in a much better place than I was three years ago, but I also want him to be remembered, and I like that his friends have a place where they can post something, too. Monday was his birthday, and I suggested that people could post a memory of him, and several came out of the woodwork and mentioned things I didn't know about from his past. It me, it feels good. Today is also the anniversary of my first date with my first husband. I didn't post any pictures - just a short line "26 years ago today...I had a first date. I married him." I really don't think it bothers anyone that I post about my late husbands. If it does...I am unaware. Maureen

Today is my second husband's birthday, too. I spent most of my day staring into space. I hope tomorrow will be a better day.

This is indeed very difficult. It does take time, but that time scale can be very different for different people. I'm sorry you are hurting so badly. I have been through this twice, and each experience has been different for me. So...even though I had lived this myself once, I still felt the deep, deep pain of the loss of my second husband and could not even reassure myself that things would get better. Fortunately, I had widow friends already who supported me in my darkest hours. It has been three years since the loss of my second husband and I am getting my footing again. At this point after the death of my first husband, I had been remarried for a year and a half. See how different? So...try not to be discouraged. Sometimes, I think we need to feel our pain because that is our reality. Still try to keep your eyes forward a bit, too, even though you don't really know what is out there. Some day, the future will become more palpable...and you will have moments of hope and even happiness. Hugs, Maureen

I just love this post! Maureen

I met my second husband 6 months after my first husband died and married him a year later. My second husband has been gone for three years now, and I think that I am close to being ready to meet someone new. It is all different for us...even different within one individual. Maureen

It is the evening of January 10th. It was about this time three years ago that I last spoke to my husband on a video chat. He seemed perfectly fine. He had spent the day cleaning his office at work, and it was spotless…something unusual for the scientist that he was. He was sitting in his favorite chair in the living room. I asked him to take his hair out of his ponytail so I could pretend to run my hands through his hair. It was a simple little thing between two lovers. Eventually, we blew each other kisses, expressed our love for each other, and signed off for the night. He eventually went to bed and never woke up. I was decluttering in my home office today and I came across a handwritten note from John dated 6/18/13, about 7 months before he died. That day, I was at a community college a couple of hours from our home attending a conference. John was there only the first and last days of the conference, and we had spent the night together in a college dormitory. I left to attend a session, and he left just a few minutes later to drive home, but took the time to leave me a note: “To Maureen- I love you so much, sweetheart, that there aren’t words to describe it…I miss you already and I wish I could hold you awhile. At least we were able to sleep in each other’s arms last night. I hope the rest of the week is a good experience, and I will be very eager to see you again Friday evening. Love, John” I hadn’t thought about that night at in quite a long time, but it showcases the depth of intimacy we had together. If anyone remembers what college dorms are like, there are usually two twin beds with uncomfortable mattresses. That night, we slept on one of those beds together, as we craved the solace of each other’s embrace so much. John was a big man…close to 6’5” tall, and I am not small, so there was precious little room on that bed for us, but it was well worth the stiff joints we had upon awakening…just to be able to be together. In just a few hours, he will have been gone for three years. I miss him terribly, but I am coming to a place where I can breathe again and begin to live more fully. It hurts…and it always will hurt, but I have been loved by the best…and for that, I am so grateful Maureen

So many things...I know I am capable of handling them alone, but I just don't want to do it! Today...calling a realtor to talk about putting my house on the market.

Hi, Julie, I'm so sorry that you had to join our club. Your loss is so fresh and your mind is trying to make sense of something that is unfathomable. We understand, here, however. I understand the need to know...but I don't know if seeing some of the graphic photos will offer you comfort or bring you more agony. Nothing that you will see will bring him back. Many years ago I was a volunteer EMT and I responded to fatal car crashes. Just believe that if they did not immediately transport his body, it is highly likely that he was killed on impact and nothing could be done to help him. People who respond to crashes like this will do anything in their power to save a life...if it is possible. It is highly unlikely he had awareness of injury or pain. As far as closure...I don't even know if that is possible. There will come a time when you will integrate his death into your mind, but this takes time. If you are anything like me, I relived much of the circumstances surrounding the deaths of my husbands for many months. I think, for me at least, I needed to do that in order to truly grasp my reality. Some of our best advice for you is to take care of your basic needs. Drink water. Breathe. Eat when you can. Sleep when you can. Treasure your precious daughter. Accept the help that is offered if it is helpful. Allow yourself to enjoy little pleasures without guilt. Come here and vent to your heart's content and connect with other young people who understand your circumstances. Hugs, Maureen

Hi, mbanyard, I'm sorry that you have had such a difficult time with your employment situation. It is truly difficult to try to function after the death of a spouse, and a lot of people have not had that experience and cannot relate. I would not give up on your current career prospects. I didn't exactly hold myself together after the deaths of my husbands. I went back to work 6 weeks after my first husband died, and although I got my work done (I was working as a physical therapist) I was not able to go above and beyond as was my previous practice. In less than a year, I met my second husband and resigned my job and planned to move. I never did go back to that career, but I took advantage of the opportunity I had to go back to school and try to figure out what else I wanted to do in life. I was still in limbo when my second husband died unexpectedly. This is where I really fell apart. But I have continued in school, amongst people who knew him and who have watched me melt down. In time, I have pulled myself together more. I don't know what you teach or what your working environment consists of, but just want to pass on some advice that I have been given in the educational environment in which I intend to work. You get to create your own story. Do not let naysayers impact your ability to do good work. You can create your own true version of your circumstances. You were left shattered by your husband's death. Your work environment did not allow you the space to effectively process your grief and to adjust to your new circumstances. You chose to resign to give yourself the space to heal and also to give your employer the opportunity to find another person to hire for your position so that the work...or teaching...or whatever it is...could be continued at an acceptable standard. Your employer may feel slighted, but you did what was best for both you and your employer. With some time to yourself, you were able to put your time and emotional energy into adapting to your new situation so that you could return to productive work. As for me, my mentors continue to support me and recognize that my life experiences have given me a strong base in which I can empathize with others and be a supportive educator in my own field. I believe that most people who know me would agree that I have come a long way in pulling myself back together. I'm much more prepared to be effective in my work than I was after the loss of my second husband. In the mean time...take care of yourself, perhaps find some part-time volunteer work you can do, and slowly expand your horizons while still protecting your personal healing space. Best wishes to you! Maureen

...we had our last full day together. The next day, I flew to the east coast to see wid friends. I had no idea he would die in his sleep just a few days later - alone. In many ways, I am doing better. Much better, in fact - but I am already feeling the punch to the gut as these last days before the anniversary of his death and then his birthday approaching 5 days later. He has been dead longer than we were actually married, yet the impact he had on my life was colossal. The next year will bring more changes - transitions that will come because of the influence he had on my life and the opportunities I was afforded because of our connection. But these transitions should have occurred right here with him. I was in a completely different life - one I barely recognize now - almost 7 years ago when he and I started a conversation that led to a beautiful and intense love affair. We knew from prior loss that we had to live life to the fullest - and we did. Nothing was ever left undone or unsaid, and for that I am left without regrets. So...3 years ago today, we made sure we spent as much of the day together as we could, reviewed our life together, made love, fell asleep in each others arms, and I woke the next day and flew east. My last contact with him was a Facetime conversation just hours before he went to sleep for the last time. My last day with him was January 7th. My last kiss was January 8th. The last time I saw his smile was January 10th. Savor everything. Thanks for letting me spill my heart. Maureen

I think that some people can't or don't want to try talking to more than one person at a time. Hiding his profile might mean he doesn't have to cope with having other contacts until he/you decide if you wish to continue talking/seeing each other. Give him the benefit of the doubt while keeping your eyes and ears open? Maureen

Hi, Leah, I had panic attacks and pretty significant anxiety that started immediately after my second husband died unexpectedly. I had never had panic before, even after the death of my first husband. My doctor prescribed short-acting anxiety meds that helped me with panic and in getting my head to shut off so that I could go to sleep. I was not able to tolerate longer acting medications (well, the few I tried briefly) because of unacceptable side-effects. After a year of dealing with unrelenting anxiety, I chose to get a service dog. I know that a service dog isn't for everyone; they are expensive, for one, and I had to weigh the benefits with the risks (stigma, etc.). I decided I was better off taking care of my needs with a dog. I have no regrets, and over 2 years later, my anxiety and panic are under much better control. My dog can sense my anxiety and intervenes earlier than she did when I first got her, and I find that I can recognize triggers much earlier in the process and mitigate situations. My anxiety is much less obvious in the workplace and at home, although I tend to process more of my stressors at home and my dog works more for me at home than in public. All this...is really to say that you aren't alone in your anxiety. I was pretty pissed off, to be blunt, to have developed anxiety. I had enough to cope with (surgery and a cancer diagnosis within weeks of my husband's unexpected death) and I did NOT want to be coping with panic, irritability, over-reactions, etc. It has taken me time to regain my composure and confidence. What I know...from too many years of experience at this and having met many other young wids...is that it does get better in time. That being said, I'm not sure that knowledge helped me much when I was in the throes of my worst anxiety. I guess my advice is to do SOMETHING - whatever might work for you. See your doctor, a grief counselor, exercise if that is your thing - find something that makes a difference and keep at it until you find something that helps. It took me a year of floundering and then trying before I found a solution that helped me. Hugs to you, Maureen

Hi, Amber, You have just been through the worst month of your life. Your husband died suddenly, you had to hold life together for the holidays for your kids, and you just passed one of the hardest days for any of us widows, your wedding anniversary. You are doing everything you could possibly do at this point! I know you feel miserable. There aren't many positive things right about now, save your beautiful kids. It is completely normal to have difficulty concentrating. Stick to the basics...sleep when you can, eat when you can, drink water, feed your kids whatever they want, and make sure they are dressed when they leave the house. Take help from whomever you feel comfortable if they offer. Let your kids go on play dates. Accept another casserole. Let a neighbor manage your yard or snow removal or whatever you need. Cry, vent, rant away. We get it. Hugs, Maureen

Pictures do a lot for me. I also spent a lot of time talking with my second husband...2-3 hours of real conversation every day. I try not to avoid things that remind me of him. Sometimes that means I get sad and I miss him terribly, but it is better for me to remember him. My memories of my second husband are stronger than those of my first husband. I think that is because we were both widowed and realized how important little things are. We filled our lives to the brim with many experiences - great and small. We savored every moment - every kiss, every meal together, every new adventure He captured much of our life in photographs and I can recall the feelings I had in those moments. I also know that some memories get triggered - for instance - if I eat in a restaurant that we liked, or when I hear that someone traveled to a place we enjoyed. I don't think we can keep everything in the forefront of our minds, but you would be surprised at what you might remember. Some people keep a journal of their memories so they can go back and read them. Perhaps you can start writing things down now? Hugs, Maureen

Hugs to you, Marian. It must be hard to have lost him on a day that is supposed to be hopeful for the future. Best wishes, Maureen

Hi, Rebecca, from another seasoned widow. I'm so sorry for for the sudden loss of your beloved husband and the father of your children. I lost my first husband after a prolonged illness, but my second husband died very unexpectedly almost 3 years ago. The shock of my second husband's death (unknown heart disease) was very overwhelming. As my friend Rob says, make sure you keep drinking water, eat when you can, sleep when you can, and keep posting here. This place has been a lifeline to many of us. Hugs, Maureen