Wheelerswife

I will spend tomorrow evening with a good friend, probably at home. He is kind of a member of our club...his ex-wife ended her life 6 months after he finally divorced her after years of her emotional abuse. He and I have walked parallel paths over the last year...working our way to changes in our lives. I will help him move 4 hours away on Tuesday. He has a new job, a new place to live, and a new truck...and a fresh start. On top of that, I just learned that a dear friend was diagnosed with lung cancer and he is very ill. 39 years old. Sole parent to a 5 year old. That just sucks. I'm glad I won't be alone tomorrow night. Maureen

Welcome, Jman. I'm so sorry you lost your beloved wife and the mother to your children. I don't have children myself, so I can't even imagine what it must be like to be raising 3 infants and 2 small children all by yourself. Add in the challenges of well-meaning people who don't understand...that is a lot to cope with. I hope you find comfort in being able to vent here. There are other young parents here as well. I hope that you start to get some sleep as your babies get older and sleep longer at night. Hugs, Maureen

Welcome Scott! Thanks for joining in and giving your perspective. Maureen

So...2016 is coming to a close. For some of us, it was a terrible year. For others, it was a building year - a time to take stock of our lives, for the proverbial putting one foot in front of the other. Still others found that 2016 brought them to a good place again, something they might not have been able to even imagine after being widowed. Lets start a post where we can talk about the coming months and year. What changes do you expect or hope for? For some, this might just be pure survival right now. For others, big changes. As for me, I have just finished my Master's degree in Higher Education Student Affairs. School was the biggest constant in my life for several years now, especially after my second husband died. I left my first career after my first husband died and wallowed awhile trying to figure out what came next. I went back to school and got a second Bachelor's degree, finishing that a year after my second husband died, but I still didn't have direction. Now, I have finally come to the place where I know what I want to do. Over the next few months, I will be searching for a new job, selling my house, leaving the home I have known for the last 6 years, and moving somewhere back on the east coast. So...this will be a completely fresh start for me, and something I hope will bring me the kind of professional and personal satisfaction that I have been striving for. I'm hoping that 2017 will be a year of hope and maybe even happiness. What about all of you? Maureen

Leah, I'm so sorry you have reason to be a member of our club. I hope there is some comfort in knowing you aren't alone in your grief. My husbands died from very different reasons than yours, however both of my MIL's have been so kind as to place blame on me for the deaths of their sons. My first MIL blames me for not encouraging my husband to fight to live longer, even though he was clearly tired of the struggle and he was as dependent as an infant. My second MIL blamed me for not micromanaging the health of her fully independent son, who died of unknown heart issues. I think that grieving family members sometimes need to blame someone. It has taken some time, but I have more compassion for them at this point. I still keep in touch with my first MIL, but I have let my second husband's family drift away. I don't live near them. Hugs to you and all of your children. Maureen

Mikeytee, Welcome to our board. Please do not worry about being a broken record. We completely understand that...we are or were broken records ourselves. I'm so sorry you lost your beloved husband. At 4 months, how could this feel better? It just doesn't feel better that soon, especially under your complex circumstances. Right now, you may feel that all you want to do is obsess over his death...and I think that is perfectly normal. Please feel free to vent to your heart's content. Hugs, Maureen

Georgina, I am so glad you have all of those pictures of you and your love. It is so difficult to lose our spouses. My husbands and I did not have children and we spent so much time together - just two of us. In the first weeks and months, it is very difficult to figure out how to keep living without them. All the other people around us can't take the place of the one who knew us so well and loved us so deeply. My first husband died after an illness and I was actually very prepared for him to die. But...I was not prepared for him to actually be dead! I remained fully present for him and his well-being while he was declining and dying. I wanted him to know that he was loved and I worked to make his death as free of fear as I could. Then I went home...alone...and it hit me. He was gone. It takes time for us to process death and grief. We have all been where you are now. Try to just breathe. Cry when you need to cry, drink water, try to sleep and eat. It will be some time before you don't feel his absence in every waking moment. Hugs to you, Maureen

So one of Santa's stray reindeer was lost last night and appeared to be hitchhiking in the shoulder of the road. It got so excited when it saw my car coming that it jumped into my lane to try to stop me. I was driving at 65 miles per hour and just couldn't stop for it...so it got mad and ran into my car. Fortunately, I saw it just in time to brace myself for the hit and didn't lose control of my car. My front passenger side wheel guard panel...or whatever it is called...got the brunt of the impact. I imagine that the deer is in a bit of pain this morning, but my dog and I are fine. It all could have been much worse. There was one lone tornado yesterday, too. It touched down in a barren cow pasture about 5 miles from the friends I was visiting. It was a really windy during my 30 minute drive to get to my friend's mother's farmhouse. Just as I arrived and was walking into the house, the skies opened and we had a thunderstorm that contained that tornado. Too close for comfort. Maureen

...keep breathing. I spent the first Christmas after my first husband died completely alone at home. He died three months before the holidays. My family had no idea what to do with me and his family was too distraught and depressed to celebrate anything. I had traveled to be with my sister's family for Thanksgiving, hoping that I could at least find some distraction, but I was completely engulfed by my own grief and nobody else would even mention my husband. I was miserable. I have had good holidays since my first husband died. My second husband, who was a widower, understood that we still carried our losses with us, but we found meaning in being together, sharing memories from our pasts, and creating new memories together. After I lost my second husband, I again found the holidays difficult. Somehow, my family has grown in understanding of my pain and it has been less difficult to spend holidays with them. This Christmas, I chose to stay home alone. I traveled to spend Thanksgiving with my extended family and to celebrate my father's 90th birthday. My family is all scattered this Christmas, and I live half a continent away from them. I will spend some time today with the family of a local friend. Most people don't really know how alone I am, and I think I prefer to keep that from them. No matter what way you spend the holidays, I hope you all can find some level of peace, whether that be in the people that surround you and try to help you cope during this emotional time, or in enjoying the smiles of children, or in just laughing a little at family stories and jokes. It is perfectly okay to escape from the grasp of grief for even a little while. It is bound to be an emotional roller coaster for those newly widowed, and for many of us that are further out, there may always be a wisp of sadness as we remember the past and wonder what things would have been like if we had not lived the loss of our spouses. If you can't express what is on your mind to the people around you during the holidays, feel free to express your heart here. We will listen. Hugs to all, Maureen

Thank you, TofinoMan for your good wishes. I think we need a Mexican bago! And Catnip...nice to see you here. Hugs, Maureen

JP, I am so sorry you had to join our club. It is really quite early for you and although the pain does soften in time, that isn't anything you can wrap your head around right now. My second husband died in his sleep, but I happened to be half a continent away visiting friends. Had I been home, I would have had an experience more like yours. I have way more experience at this than I would ever want...but honestly, right now all you can do is get through the next day or even hour. Take deep breaths. Sleep when you can and eat when you can and drink lots of water just to keep yourself hydrated. If you want to do something, go ahead and do it. If you change your mind, that's okay, too. The next week or 2 are going to be difficult. Leave yourself a way out wherever you are. Hang in there and keep coming here to read and vent where people understand. Hugs, Maureen

Hi, Kim. I'm awake and read your post and wanted to send big hugs. Your Matthew sounds like an amazing man. I also lost my second husband at the age of 51 after just over 3 1/2 years of marriage. My John was a beautiful soul and I don't really think he knew that until we met. He had a few friends that understood his complexity, but I doubt his family truly knew him. Matthew may not have known how much others loved him, but I am sure that he knew how much you loved him. I imagine that you brought him so much light and love...you loved him in his uniqueness...what an awesome gift you were to him. My husband also had a huge impact on the people around him. He was a wise and brilliant professor. He would tell me that he thought he was supposed to do something very big in life and he regretted that he had not done something worthy of his gifts. What he did do, however, was inspire many students and colleagues at the university where he taught and he contributed to the knowledge about the polar ice cap in the Arctic region. Please be assured that your Matthew died knowing great love...the love of a wonderful wife - even though he may not have known his full impact on others. Maureen

Hugs to you and your beautiful pup Cooper. Life is terribly unfair sometimes and sadly, you are on the receiving end of that unfairness. It just isn't right that someone so young should lose a spouse and be left to cope with that reality. But it happens. I'm glad you have this space to rant and express your anguish. Many people in our lives cannot understand the feelings we have. I can't truly understand how you feel. I wasn't widowed my 20's, but instead at 47 and then again at 51. I truly feel for those among us who have experienced widowhood WAY too young. The process is really the same, however. Somehow, we find a way to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Hang in there...and see your doctor if your lack of sleep persists. Hugs, Maureen

This is well-written and I think many of us can relate to the author's story. http://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/relationships/the-widowhood-effect/article33344335/?click=sf_globefb Maureen

It has been awhile, Calimom, but hugs to you. I am particularly touched by your daughter's compassion for the other family. That speaks to how you have raised her, especially considering your circumstances. Peace to you and all of your family, Maureen

Hi, Camila, I'm so sorry for your tragic and unnecessary loss. I'm glad you found this site. It helps to be in a place where others understand the some of your heartache. I have experienced first holidays twice...they were very hard to me, too. Even when I am surrounded by other family, there isn't anyone who knows the heartbreak I feel. I don't know the same kind of senseless tragedy that you have experienced, but I know both anticipated and unexpected loss of a spouse. I would hug you if I could and sit and let you talk about your beautiful Shah. I hope you find comfort here as well as a place to scream and rant and also connect with others who are hurting , too. Hang in there. We do eventually breathe again, but it takes time. Hugs, Maureen

Hi, Cassandra. Yes, widda.org was created due to the shutting down of ywbb. Welcome to our new home. It was sad for many of us to lose our old home at ywbb. I particularly miss the years of wisdom from the many folks that ventured onto that site for well over a decade. However, some dedicated members got to work and created a new site here. We now have almost 1200 registered members as well as those who choose to read without joining. Feel free to read and post. I know that in my early days, it was important for me to connect with others in the same time frame as well as to read from those who were further out in their widow journeys. Your contributions are needed! Maureen

I had to chuckle at this. I have no idea how tall my first husband was. He was never able to stand and walk. I got used to towering over him. I had to bend over to kiss him. My second husband was 6"4+. He had to bend over to kiss me...and I occasionally stood on a step for a face-to-face hug and kiss. :) Maureen

My first husband was Jewish. I had not thought about it in a long time, but I recall sitting and watching the flame as it flickered and became more faint - before going out for good. Shiva acknowledges mourning, but please realize that grieving continues long past the first days. Be kind to yourself and allow yourself to grieve the multiple losses you are experiencing. Yes, we find a way to move forward. It starts with small steps, such as getting up each day even though we want to stay buried under the covers and pretend this new life isn't real. Sometimes, we break down and all we can do is cry. Others find that the best thing they can do is immerse themselves in work or children or a new project. For me, it was school. Each day in the first few months, I had one class on campus. I had to prepare for just one thing every day. I also traveled when I could during school breaks so that I didn't have to face my lonely house. Travel is my drug of choice. For now...feel what you feel. Get out and get some fresh air. Exercise if you are inclined. It might make you tired enough to sleep. Most of all...be gentle with yourself. Maureen

Hi, Jeff. Welcome to our little family. I'm sorry you had to join us, but glad you found us so quickly. There are some unfortunately young people here, but you are not alone in being in your early 50's. I received my first ticket to join this club at 47 and my second ticket 4 1/2 years later at 51. You have been surrounded by family and friends during shiva and you may not have had an opportunity to let this all sink in. You may still be in shock. Hold to your family and friends and take advantage of any help they may offer. Some of the Jewish rituals for mourning may comfort you and remind those around you that you are grieving and need support. I hope your community stays close to you if this is helpful. Remember to drink water, eat when you can, sleep when you can, and never be afraid to come here and ramble, vent, or just simply find a place to express what is on your mind. I'm so sorry for the loss of your beloved Karen. Maureen

Oh, but I bitched and moaned and complained to my friends! I believe I posted on here, too! I tried not to show my dislike or frustration to him. I figured it was a few days that I needed to tolerate and I might never need to see him again. John's brother is a significant anxiety trigger for me and I needed to take medication, use my dog to stay calm and get out of the house for some of the time he was here. I didn't trust him to keep his nose out of the things that are mine or the things I wanted to keep for myself. I breathed so much more easily after he pulled the truck away from my house and drive to Texas to dump all of the stuff in his daughter's garage. He wasn't going to drive it all back to Alaska. It wasn't easy...but I did it. Maureen

Hi, nerdywidow, My second husband's brother made many assumptions after my husband died, one of which was that he was going to take control of the funeral process and my husband's possessions. It started with comments about writing the obituary, needing to get on his computer, and going through his will. I gently but firmly told him that these were my responsibilities as his wife, and that I was the executor of his will and everything was willed to me. Granted, I had been widowed before, I knew what processes needed to happen, and I and I also knew what families could be like. It is important to remember that SIL did lose her brother, too. I know clearly that the primary relationship in your husband's life was his marriage, no matter how short it was. I was with my husband less than 4 of his 57 years, married less than 3 years, but still, I was the most important person to him and I knew him best at that point in his life. You also knew your husband best. I had a long conversation with my husband's brother about the impact of losing a spouse. My husband had also been widowed before meeting me, and although his brother had some inkling of the emotional fallout, I knew he could not be expected to fully understand. I told him very early out that I was not prepared to go through his brother's (my!) possessions at that point; however, there would come a time when I would be ready. I told him he had first dibs on whatever I chose not to keep. I asked him about specific items, such as the telescope that had belonged to their father. His brother did tell me about some items, such as old vinyl records. I told him I did not know how long it would take for me to be ready to let go of anything. I told him that it was not unusual for widowed people to need to hold onto personal effects for a long time before deciding it was okay to let them go. Perhaps you can talk to SIL's ex and tell him something along these lines. You are not yet ready to let go of the microscope. It is surprising how much certain items can hold sentimental value and memories. Tell him if you get to the point where you are ready to let go of the microscope, you will give it to SIL. Ask that she not pressure you. If you want, ask her to make a list of items that she would like when and if you are ready to let go. Be clear that making the list does not mean you will part with the items; however, she might like some things that you don't hold as dear to you. Perhaps those items can satisfy her for now and help her realize you value her sentiments as well. 2 1/2 years after my husband died, I finally went through most of his possessions. I did not care to keep the bulk of his belongings; however, I went through every box, culled those items I wanted to keep or I didn't think he would want his brother to have, and I allowed his brother (who lives in Alaska...quite far away) to come and go through everything. To my surprise, he rented a box truck and hauled off almost everything I left for him to go through. Why he wanted John's notes from college and other miscellaneous things, I don't know. But I didn't have to dispose of the contents of a 12 foot box truck packed 4 feet deep. I hope this helps a little. I don't particularly like John's brother, but I was kind and civil to him for the few days he was here boxing up his brother's possessions. He wrote me later to tell me how important it had been for him to go through this process. My husband had lost respect for his brother due to some of his actions such as pursuing a new relationship while still being married and financial irresponsibility; however, his brother considered my husband his best friend. You don't know the extent to which your SIL is grieving and how she perceived her relationship with her brother. As hard as it can be, kindness can go a long way. Hugs to you. I hope you are able to resolve this with your SIL. Maureen

...that can really throw me off. I went out to my car this morning to go to work and the d**m car battery was dead. I'm perfectly capable of managing the situation, but I ended up in a ball of tears. I'm tired of doing this alone. I miss having my back-up person. I don't WANT to have to do everything by myself. End of rant, I suppose. Fortunately, I have a flexible work schedule and my calendar was clear this morning. Anyone else want a mini rant? Maureen

I was an extreme caregiver for my first husband for a long time. He was disabled by a progressive genetic disease and I knew this. We fell in love, though, and I married him with some intellectual knowledge of what might come in the future. I didn't know how long I would have him. His needs for me were less intense in the early years of our marriage, but for 18 years, I never slept longer than 2 hours at a time. I became an expert at waking up, turning him from one side to the other, and going back to sleep. We were able to find a caregiver who lived in a basement apartment of our house rent-free in exchange for getting him up, showered, dressed, and fed in the morning. This took a significant amount of stress off of me. My husband was able to function fairly independently from his power wheelchair during the day, including working from home (part time, since he was laid off from full-time work in the early 1990's) and drive a specialty adapted van with fingertip controls. He declined over the years and needed more assistance, but he became gravely ill 16 months before his death. With a lot of persistence on my part for him to get the care he needed, he survived 6 weeks of intensive care, including a helicopter ride to allow him to be treated by the world's expert in non-invasive ventilation for people with neuromuscular disease. I lived in his ICU room with him, as he could only communicate with me through a tedious process of eye movements. I brought him home and set up our bedroom like an ICU. He required 24 hour care, and a ventilator and monitors at night for the remainder of his life. I hired personal assistants after his first few months home to be with him so I could return to work and continue to provide income and part of his medical benefits. Our savings were quickly depleted and we had to add Medicaid to my insurance and Medicare to cover his medical and care expenses. My life was work and caring for him. He was so anxious that he would not stay alone for even 10 minutes so I could close the bathroom door to use the toilet or shower. By the time he died, I was exhausted. From the article: "I came to feel that my own life had become collateral damage in the fight to save my husband’s. What seemed even worse was that I felt that neither he nor anybody on his medical team noticed or particularly cared. For caregivers like me, the crisis doesn’t end when the immediate threat to life for the ill person ends. It is an ongoing and slow-moving ordeal that takes an enormous and often hidden toll." Caregiving at the end of his life had more of an impact than I realized. A year after he died, I left the career I had loved as a physical therapist. I could not take care of people any more. I started looking out for myself and found a wonderful man who gave back to me more than anyone had in my lifetime. I felt so much more whole. I was happier than I knew I ever could be. Little did I know that my blissful re-emergence would end just a few years later with the sudden loss of my second husband. Sigh. Still...I push forward. Maureen

Welcome back. It surprises me sometimes just how vivid some memories can be. It has been over 7 years now since I lost my first husband and I can also remember his humor in the hours before he slipped into his final coma. We laughed then, and I can smile about it now. Hugs to you in this time of remembering hard days. Maureen