Wheelerswife

My second husband was cremated. We were both widowed before we met and decided together that we wanted to be cremated and to have our ashes split and half buried with our late spouse and half together. I followed through after 18 months and buried half of his ashes beside his wife in Northern California. The other half are in a custom made wooden box on his dresser. I have a plot with a grave marker here in town and I am probably going to inter the remaining ashes soon. I plan on leaving the area and he wanted us to be buried here. I don't know anyone else who has their name on 2 gravestones, but I do! Widow humor, I guess. If I marry again, my third husband is going to have to divide me in thirds! Back to your question, it has been a comfort having my husband's ashes with me and I feel more unsettled with the thought of leaving them behind in the cemetery when I move back east. Maureen

Sigh. SIL is a piece of work. I'm kind of glad he didn't leave her some of the sculptures made in his own image. You have been tolerant of SIL. I imagine having her back in town and closer to your daughter is leaving you more unsettled. Can't the go back to where she was living?? I wish I had some advice. Hugs, Maureen

I remember your name. Welcome back! Maureen

I completed my Master's degree. Yesterday I had my final presentation for the final project of my program, which we call the Culminating Learning Demonstration. I had to compile evidence from my coursework, graduate assistant positions, and practicums to prove that I have addressed and met the 10 competencies of my program and profession. So...250 pages and a 45 minute presentation later, I am finished! This has been in the works since my second husband died...and it really only happened because I met and fell in love with him, moved to start a life with him, left my old 26 year career and started dabbling back in school. He was a university professor, and therefore, I had access to the university community and its programs. When I started back, I had no idea what I wanted to study or what kind of career I wanted. I went to school part time initially and eventually decided to pursue a Bachelor's in Organizational Leadership. My husband died when I had two semesters left...6 courses total. 11 days after he died, the semester began and I was sitting in class, knowing that this would be the structure I needed right then. On day 12, I started having symptoms that led to surgery and a cancer diagnosis. School continued to be the supportive environment that I needed. But...knowing I was now alone and would need to be self-supporting, I didn't know what I wanted to do career-wise. I had a lot of time to think, especially since I was alone. The thoughts that kept coming back to me were about loving the university environment. Students, learning, challenge, stimulation. My university had a Master's program in Higher Education Student Affairs. I had found my new home. Fortunately, I had the resources to continue school. I joined a cohort of students, all of whom are young enough to be my own children. After a slightly rocky start, they embraced me and my perspectives. I could hold my own. I was an asset to group projects. I could write decently. I was dependable. I wasn't much of a whiz at technology, but my fellow grad students were patient with my questions. I pushed through. I sometimes had to force myself to focus and get my work done. It isn't easy to be grieving, coping with anxiety and the scare of cancer, and working on a graduate degree, but I did it! I owe a debt of gratitude to a lot of people who have listened to me over the last few years. I have taken two cross-country trips since my second husband died and I've been on both the right and left coasts at other times as well. I've had the opportunity to meet many wids from YWBB (the precursor to this board) and Widda as well. So...many of you have had a hand in my sanity (LOL) and getting through this degree. I'm now in the process of emptying my house of my late husband's (and his late wife's) property and getting repairs made in preparation for selling my house. The job search has been slow, but I am looking to move back to the northeast where most of my family and long-time friends live. I hope to find a suitable position at a small to medium size college or university in New England or New York State that is in a smaller college town. I've had my years of traffic and commuting, and I'd prefer not to get back into that again. Living in a "city" of 20,000 in western Kansas hasn't been all bad, but I need to get out from under the shadow of my late husband and get closer to my aging parents. So...I hope to be able to report soon that I know where my next chapter will start. Change is coming. I am embracing that change. I want to be hopeful for a fulfilled life in this fresh start. I still cry. I miss my husband, who should be here to see my accomplishments and the new career I found only because of his love and encouragement to explore and learn something new. We should be here together...in this little house that was to be our base until old age. But we didn't get that...and so I will move forward, holding him close in my heart, grateful for the short time I had with him and the impact he had on my life. Thanks for reading, Maureen

My husband had a lot of "stuff", too. From childhood, he always loved dismantling broken electronics, etc., and warehousing the parts for future projects. He used to be a DIY kinda guy...mostly because he was in school so long (= poor) and, well, one never knows when one can use another (fill in the blank). His collections of parts, screws, bolts, wire, etc. went to the local Maker Space where people can come and fiddle around and build whatever they want. After making a reasonable size collection of tools for myself, I offered some tools, a workbench and a tool cabinet to a friend. The rest of the big tools went to Habitat for Humanity. The people there were grateful to get everything I offered. I found someone who is selling some other household property and some collectibles I no longer want on eBay for a 50-50 split. This has taken some time, but I'm glad to let go of things. When I moved after my first husband died, I gave away a lot of furniture to a family that had been burned out of their house. I also gave away a lot of knickknacks and doubles of household appliances. I was living back east then, and the a Vietnam Veterans group came and picked up quite a bit of loot. I believe that they split proceeds with Big Brothers/Big Sisters. I think the biggest problem I had was being ready to start the process...and intermittently to continue the process. Best wishes, Maureen

Hi, blueheart, Sometimes, I think we bond with people who really understand us because of our common experiences. I know several widows and widowers who ended up falling in love with each other...and some that ended up in really awkward situations. Being widowed and sharing that common experience isn't enough to make a relationship work, though. Apparently, your widower friend has developed a fondness for you but it is platonic. That has to hurt...your feelings not being reciprocated, but he has told you his truth. I have a good handful of widower friends that mean a lot to me...but our relationships have always been platonic. I don't see that changing, for any of them or me. Try to enjoy the friendship...and look elsewhere for a romantic connection. I don't know if I would shut out someone who has been a good friend. Only you can know for yourself. Hugs, Maureen

Hugs to you. I know that adjusting to widowhood is very difficult. I know what it feels like to be in a deep pit and not have much energy to get out of that pit. Sometimes, we have to start with small steps. I have a widowed friend who has been walking some of this walk with me from a distance. That has been helpful, since both of us have been in our own pits. I told this person one day that it seemed like he was only digging his pit deeper instead of trying to climb out of it. Once a pit gets to a certain depth, we cannot throw the dirt in the pit out of it anymore because the walls are too high. So whenever we dig more dirt and throw it up, it just falls back down on our heads. We feel even worse, because all we have done is made ourselves feel dirty. I don't know what your small steps can be. Perhaps, now that spring is coming, you can go outside? Perhaps you can get in your car and drive for a few minutes without expecting yourself to have to go to a store or interact with people? Perhaps you can write down some small tasks to do? Sometimes, when I am feeling more paralyzed, I make myself get up during TV commercials and just do something. I take out one bag of trash. I throw in one load of laundry. I look through one file. I choose one item to put in the box of things going to charity. Some days, I enlist the help of a friend for a task I can't complete for whatever emotional reason. I have been clearing out my house in preparation for putting it on the market and moving. There has been a pile of paint cans under the basement steps that I have avoided for a year. Yesterday, a friend was over and I told him I was going to need to look through the paint because the plumber working on pipes had to cut through a wall to fix a problem and I was going to need to repaint that section of wall. He went with me and we sifted through paint cans in 10 minutes and put some of them in my car to take to hazardous waste. So...a task I had avoided for a year took just 10 minutes with a little support. I don't know if you have seen a doctor or therapist, but that sounds like it would be a good move. If you have depression or anxiety, you might find a NAMI support group helpful. The bottom line is that in order to get out of your pit, you have to start somewhere. First, make sure you aren't trying to dig deeper. Then figure out small steps you can take to start climbing out of the pit. Hugs, Maureen

To be clear, I am not the one struggling. I loved my first wife but I have let her go and have given myself 100% to my new wife. My wife, though, struggles because a) she lives in what was 'our' house, surrounded by memories of 'our' life, b) she lives in 'our' town, where everyone not only knows each other, but also knows the history of my first wife and I. Her name gets brought up often, usually when memories are talked about, and while it doesn't bother me I know it bothers my new wife. She feels like it'll never be just her and me, but her, me, and my former wife. There are more struggles, but those mainly have to do with her and her kids having to uproot their lives to join my kids and me. I've given her wide latitude to remake the house, make sure pictures of my first wife are kept only in my kids' rooms, and do anything she needs to in order to make 'my' house 'our' house. But still, her friends are still all in a small city a half hour away, her daughter goes to the school in my town (which doesn't offer soccer, her main sport :-\), and her son lives with his father during the week since he's close to graduation and didn't want to switch schools. So yeah, there are a ton of adjustments we're working through. It's definitely not easy but we are convinced it will be for the best in the long term. It'll especially help when some kids start leaving the nest Oops, edited to add: she didn't realize it would be nearly this difficult when we were engaged. I think actually making the move and realizing how much my first wife's memory is inextricably intertwined in our lives has been much more difficult than she first though. Hi, Serpico. I have been thinking about this thread since it came up, trying to decide if I should reply. Some of my hesitation comes from the reality that I am childless and I really shouldn't have much of an opinion on raising children, blending families and coping with children's' reactions to grief or relocation. However, I am widowed and I remarried a widower (ummm...not a "former widower" in my book either) and I personally know a fairly large number of widows and widowers who have recoupled/remarried, with and without children, and many situations in which relocation was part of the equation. I can completely see why you aren't the one struggling in this situation. You haven't had to give up anything. Yes, you have lost your late wife and the mother of your children and you have had a pretty matter-of-fact approach to that situation all along and that suits you and your personality. It sounds like it has been effective for your children, as far as I can gather from reading your posts. Your new wife, however, probably has a different perspective on all of this. It isn't that cut and dried. I'm sure she loves you deeply and wants this transition to work, but seriously, she has made some really big adjustments! When I moved to be with my second husband, I also left everything I had behind. I quit my job, sold my house and left the community that I had been a part of for 22 years. I also made the decision to move into the home my husband had shared with his late wife and I was offered every opportunity to change what I wanted. My husband was extremely sensitive to my needs, but it was also difficult to make those changes. Not only did I move into his home, but I moved into his routines. I don't think I even had words to explain some of this in the first year or so that we were together. He always told me that if I realized I wasn't happy, that we could move to another house or even a different part of the country. He was willing to give up a position as a tenured full professor at a university if that was necessary for me to be happy. Your wife and her children have sacrificed for you. They are living in the shadow of your late wife. It isn't easy to re-establish your life in a new place as an adult. Making friends is difficult. Making acquaintances isn't as difficult as making friends, but I'll bet your new wife is feeling at least somewhat isolated. It seems that the two of you are communicating well, but perhaps your wife hasn't really figured out the words to explain some confusing feelings about her new life. Maybe I am reading too much into this, but I am just trying to relate my experiences to what she might be feeling. I can easily list about 15 other widow/widower friends that have had to work through recoupling issues...and the biggest success factor has been compromise. 30 miles is not that far to commute. Perhaps the whole family would be happier if you could purchase a new "us" home near her small city where your wife and her children can get back to some of what is important to them - and where your (younger?) children can thrive as well. That's more than my $0.02 worth, but I hope you can appreciate my perspective. Best wishes to all of you, Maureen

For my first husband, we had donations go to 3 agencies that were important to him, including a playground accessible to all children and adults. We had been involved in the design of this playground over 20 years ago. It has since fallen into disrepair and there is a fundraising campaign to rebuild the playground from more durable materials. I may dedicate a piece of equipment there to my husband. He never had an accessible playground when he was young, and he always had to use a wheelchair. My second husband was a university professor and researcher. I have a scholarship in his name. There is a new faculty award at the university for undergraduate research mentoring that is named for him. There is a day celebrating research at the university as well. My husband started this day 13 or 14 years ago to encourage faculty and students to showcase their work. Just following his death, the university named this day for him...so is is now called the John H*******s Scholarly and Creative Activities Day. His name is plastered all over campus. That was initially very jarring, but I am getting more accustomed to it. I have funded the awards for the poster competition for this celebration of research, which was very dear to his heart. It is important to me that my husbands are remembered. Maureen

Hi, Dragonfly, I think that managing a spouse's possessions is one of the more stressful "tasks" after widowhood. Unless there is something where others have legal claim to his property, his belongings are essentially yours now. Many of us, but not all, find it comforting in the initial months and even years to keep our spouse's property. Some find it hard to do simple things such as moving their shoes from where they left them, throwing away a used toothbrush, etc. I understand that our spouse's family members want things because of sentimental value, heirloom status, practicality, and even downright greed. Each of them grieves for the person that was our spouse, too. I have been widowed twice and I have dealt with two very different families. It isn't easy. When my second husband died, his brother thought he was going to come and take over everything. We had been together less than 4 years, married less than 3 - and they had had him (not really!) for 50-something years. Fortunately, my husband had a will, I was the executor, and everything came to me. I never told my BIL that his brother didn't trust him with money or ethics, and that he wasn't even a secondary beneficiary in the will, although BIL's daughter was. Still, though, his brother wanted many of my husband's things. I sat and had a long, calm talk with my BIL and told him that, in time, I would go through my husband's property and he could have first crack at anything I chose not to keep. I asked him specifically about a couple of items, such as a large telescope that had been a gift from their late father. I told BIL to make a list so that I would know what he was interested in having. 2 1/2 years later, I finally went through my husband's lifelong collection of memorabilia. He had kept many, many things from his childhood up until the day he died. I separated out what I wanted, disposed of financial records and other personal items that I felt my husband would not want his brother to see, and then I called my BIL to let him know I was ready for him to come and look through what was left. My BIL came from Alaska, packed up just about everything I didn't want, and carted it off in a box truck to his daughter's home in Texas. BIL wrote me about a month later to tell me how grateful he was to have been able to collect his brother's things, which included hundreds of books, childhood memories, and every single piece of correspondence my husband had ever had with his brother. Recently, I sent BIL a collection of tie tacks, and, again, he wrote telling me he was grateful. I don't like my BIL. He makes me very anxious. But in the long run, he is happy, and I have let go of some really unusable things that his brother carted off from my house. I guess the moral of my story is that communication is important. You need to gently set your boundaries with his family and hope that works for you. If you are able, give them some things that you can part with, or let them know that you will do that when you are ready. Your loss is very recent. You are hurting deeply. It won't hurt anyone if you wait until you are more ready. Hugs, Maureen

I have this movie. I have not watched it yet. One of my cousins is a producer for the movie. I've been putting off watching it. Maureen

Hi, Corey7796, I'm so sorry you had to join our club. My first husband was disabled from a genetic neuromuscular disease and he required 24 hour care at the end of his life, too. It was really difficult to accept that I couldn't keep him alive any longer. After spending all of my non-working time with him, I found that I didn't know what to do with myself. I needed thie first months of time to let the reality sink in. He was gone. At this point, you may be in a similar situation. I wanted to be with people, and then I didn't want to be with anyone. Fortunately, I found the website that was the precursor to this site and with it, others who understood what I was feeling. I hope you feel comfortable expressing yourself here and you can make connections with others here, especially those in a similar timeframe. Hugs, Maureen

I finally read the book. Elizabeth Alexander has a beautiful way with words, and although my experiences of life were very different from hers, she helped me connect to feelings and experiences I had had with John that were very powerful for me. I wish I had her abilities to express myself in such a beautiful way. I read this book at a time when I am disengaging from where I live - the world of my husband - a place that was initially such a locus of healing, but then associated with loss. I know this book brought me deeper into my grief in some ways - not into painful grieving, really, but into a more contemplative state where I was feeling the depth of meaning in gestures, expressions, breaths we took alongside each other while looking out over vast glaciers in the Alps or the Andes or in Alaska...or pebbles on a northern California beach. Love and death are fathomless, aren't they? Maureen

Hugs, Donna. Sometimes, the hard part of losing a spouse is knowing that they didn't get to live the rest of the life they deserved to have. Maureen

Hi, Karin, Let me just say that I had a second great love. Now, my hope is for a third great love down the road a little bit more. I know many folks who have been widowed who have found love again. Just a couple of days ago, I was invited to another wedding of a widow I met through the precursor to this board. I know that people have differing religious and/or spiritual beliefs. My perspective is that THIS is the life I have and in which I want happiness. I don't know what comes next...I don't follow any specific religious tenets...but my experience in life tells me that it is important that I live my life as fully as I can. For me, that includes the very special kind of love that I found with my two partners in life who sadly died long before their time. I never felt as though finding my second great love in any way diminished the love I had for my first husband. My second husband was also widowed, and his experience of finding love with me made him the happiest he had ever been. His colleagues and friends saw the change that came about in him. I know without a question that he would want me to find another man who will love me deeply and contribute to my happiness in whatever time I have left on this earth. As far as forgetting...some memories will fade, but it is nothing like how I lost memories of childhood. Some memories move into the background, but a story or a picture or a familiar smell or visiting a special place seem to bring those memories to the forefront. The good thing about fading memories, to me, is that the difficult memories also get softer. I hope that you will find yourself comfortable in stepping out with someone new when you are ready. A new relationship will be different - and I think that is a good thing. My second husband had some really amazing qualities that were not a part of the make-up of my first husband, and I cherished those differences. You aren't looking to replace a worn appliance or car...this isn't comparison shopping. It is a process of opening yourself up to the uniqueness of someone new, coming to love that person for themselves, and bonding in a way you may never have expected. Best wishes to you as you continue to explore your future. Hugs, Maureen

7+ for DH1. Sometimes I ask myself - was that really my life? 3 years for DH2. Sometimes I ask myself - was that really my life. 2017. Is this really my life? Hugs, Maureen

XOXOXO Maureen

Hi, Nicky, I'm sorry you had to join our club. I understand that many people don't know what to say, as they have never been in our shoes. As for this: Your question is likely to be appreciated by other young widows because it is sincere and likely a place where they can truly answer the question honestly. If you identify yourself as a young widow yourself, you are likely to find yourself in a situation similar to this website...amongst people who understand and can be sensitively supportive. "I know this is really hard. How are you? I'm here to listen if you need someone to talk to." This goes a long way... Hugs, Maureen

Hi, awould, YWBB shut down almost 2 years ago. This website was started immediately by some members from that site. I joined YWBB after my first husband died in 2009. I always enjoyed the wisdom of those who had been widowed longer than me. Thanks for stopping in. Maureen

Quixote, You know I am grinning over this "announcement". Best wishes to you! Maureen

Hi, Linda, Welcome to our club. I'm sorry you had to pay the price of admission. I'm glad you found us - we really do understand what you are experiencing. I don't have children myself, but I was widowed at 47 (and again at 51). If you are like me, I spent hours reading on the precursor to this site after I lost my first husband. It was helpful to know that what I was experiencing was normal. Try to take care of yourself and take help when it feels comfortable. Read and post...and hug your kids if they will let you! Hugs, Maureen

Shock wears off; reality sets in. Yup. Many of the things that kept you busy in the first six months are completed. You are now sitting there and the stark reality of your loss. He is gone. (WTF????) How can this be? Your dreams have just vanished. It takes awhile to really absorb the extent of what all of this means and to integrate this new reality into our psyche. It took me a lot longer to do this after the death of my second husband, even though the marriage was much, much shorter. I'm getting there now at 3 years out. Hugs, Maureen

Adley, My signature line comes from an assessment called StrengthsQuest. After answering questions on a survey, they give you a list of your top 5 strengths - out of a total of 34. Mine tend to align in the relationship building domain. The other domains are executing, influencing and strategic thinking. I guess it is a good thing I don't want to be a rocket scientist or a CEO! If you are interested, you can find it at www.strengthsquest.com. It isn't free ($10, maybe?) but I did it through work with a cohort of colleagues. It helps to understand the different strengths of team members, and like most of these kinds of assessments, I think they are helpful, but certainly cannot define the complexities of each of us. Maureen

So interesting. INTP's are a rare breed, but are showing up here. Maureen

Hi, Tracy, I took the MBTI for the first time when I was 22 and I was an ESFJ at the time, fairly strong in all categories. Each category is really on a spectrum, so you might be stronger in one area, but closer to the middle of the spectrum in another area. Over the years, my extroversion has slid toward the middle of the spectrum, while the other categories have remained somewhat fixed. I call myself an introverted extrovert. I do gain energy from other people, however I also require a significant amount of time alone to regroup. I prefer to be on the edge of the room at get-togethers and prefer one-on-one conversations. I do believe that some changes occurred after my first husband's death, and I don't think I will ever be the strong extrovert I was when I was younger. That is okay, though. I kind of like this version of me. I loved the relationship I had with my INTP husband - such opposites in how we functioned, but it really worked well. Maureen