Wheelerswife

Hi, barney_12, I'm so sorry for the loss of your dear boyfriend. Please recognize that you are welcome here in this forum. We do not have lines of delineation for married/unmarried, nor length of time that someone had with their beloved. In your heart, you knew your love. You had imagined your future. To lose what you had hoped for is deeply painful. I imagine the world around you - family, friends, his family, too - cannot fathom the depth of your pain, since you were "only" together a few months. In their eyes, you may be grieving beyond what they feel is reasonable. But...they truly do not understand and trying to explain this may not be successful. I understand. My second husband and I were engaged about 6 weeks into our relationship. By 3 months, I had resigned my job and was planning to move half-way across the country. At 4 months, I had sold my house and at 6 months, I had moved to be with him. Yes, it is possible to have a fully devoted relationship in just a few months. I would have been devastated to have lost him then. Sadly, he died just under 4 years after we met, just under 3 years after we were married. You are legitimately grieving right now. Don't be worried what others think. Read here and recognize that you have legitimate grief and you can identify with others who have lost their love, too. Hugs, Maureen

Hugs to you...and congratulations on your new office. Wouldn't it be wonderful if they could see where we have come? I know Tim would be pleased with your accomplishments. I, too, would not have contemplated a career change if my first husband hadn't died. My second husband won't be here to see the career that I will begin soon...a career that never would have happened if I hadn't met him. I feel you... Maureen

Hugs, Rob. I wish I had met Michelle. Maureen

Hugs from me, too. I just passed 7 years for my first husband and the anniversary date really grabbed me hard. Maureen

Hi, PJ, Confidentiality isn't easy to maintain these days, is it? I work at a university and students' activities are tracked constantly through the swiping of their student ID's. I don't like it myself...it feels kind of Big Brother-like to me, but it seems to be the way these days. Many people now capture information on their phones/cameras. Students take photos of whiteboards, PowerPoint slides, etc. I have a feeling this person may not have realized how intrusive his actions may have felt to another person in the class. As it becomes even more the norm to take pictures of everything such as the food we eat and black eyes from walking into cupboard doors, people extend the picture taking to personal information belonging to someone else. Hugs, Maureen

Different, yet similar circumstances.... My second husband had one surviving brother who cared to have his brother's possessions. He lives in Alaska and I live in Kansas. When I was finally ready to go through John's things, I let his brother know in advance what I was doing and my time table for getting rid of things. I went through the possessions...most of which were in my basement I set aside the things I wanted to keep or that I didn't want his brother to see/have for privacy reasons as well as some correspondence from old friends that I sent back to them for sentimental value. I was nice about it all, even though I don't really like his brother. He makes me uncomfortable. I let his brother figure out how he was going to handle getting John's property. He flew to a nearby airport, rented a box truck and drove into town. It took him 3 days to box up everything I had left for him....and he took it all, even things I figured he would never want. He ended up driving the truck several hours to another state where his daughter lives and he left everything there for now. It is off of my hands and I can move forward. I don't know the exact picture of your scenario, but perhaps you can go to the unit yourself, sift through things and see if there is anything you truly want for you and your kids and then let family members know that they have (x) amount of time to go to the storage unit and pick out what they want. Tell them you plan to stop paying rent on a specific future date and after that, everything gets picked up by a junk dealer or whatever. Don't take responsibility for work they need to do. I think the amount of notice you give them should be generous enough that they can get the task done reasonably. I may never see John's brother again, and that is fine with me, but somehow I managed to keep the process pretty civil, in spite of the fact that his brother is a major anxiety trigger for me. Best wishes, Maureen

I’m sitting here in a home you never knew, in a part of the country you never saw. I’ve practically lived another lifetime since you were here. Yet I think of you so often. I see your picture every day. I keep the engraved river stone that I placed on your grave after you died - on a table in my home office. Every year at this time, my body knows what time of year it is. It is close to the early morning hours of September 22, 2016, seven years to the day that I last spoke to you and you spoke to me…seven years since you breathed your last breath. I woke up this past morning in a startle…sat bolt upright…as if I was responding to the alarms of your monitors. I remember waking up that morning at your hospital bedside seven years ago and realizing you were confused. My hopes that you would pull out of this setback were dashed. It was all too real. I was losing you. We only had one more full day. My heart was broken. On your last day, you stayed alert for a little while before you slipped back into a deep sleep, and hours later, you slipped away. It was on the equinox, no less. I started seeing the seasons more vividly after you died. Here in Kansas, there isn’t much of a fall, though, at least compared to New England. It was hot today, close to 100. You would have loved it, and had you been here, you would have basked in the sunlight in the back yard. I’m glad to have good memories…thinking of things you enjoyed. I came across a couple of our early pictures and I smiled…were we ever that young? You were skinny…really skinny…before I fattened you up to 90 pounds. I got to remember our trips…Yosemite, San Francisco, Disney, all over the Caribbean. I remembered summer picnics with my old work gang and holidays with your family. Good times. Most of our life together was really wonderful, although I know it just got harder for you. SMA took so much from you, but it never took your heart. I miss you, Barry. I miss you. Love, Maureen

yogamom, You wear those rings as long as your heart desires. I wore my rings from my first husband on my left hand for a little over 3 months before switching them to my left hand at midnight on New Year's Eve. I was with a widowed friend and we talked into the night about how we hoped for a better year. The last year had been full of anguish! A few months later, I removed my rings altogether and put them in a jewelry box. I wore my second wedding band on my left hand for quite some time after my second husband died. I eventually had it resized and I have worn it on my right hand ever since. It had been over 2 1/2 years since my second husband died. So...two different men, two different losses, two different decisions about wearing my rings. You are right. This is very fresh for you. I hope you don't feel pressure to make decisions about these kinds of sentimental concerns. Hugs, Maureen

First, don't let anyone try to negate your depth of love because of your young age or the length of your time together. Your pain and the enormity of your loss is no less than any of the rest of us. When it comes to wanting to date this soon, this is different for everyone. I will caution you, though, because when we experience a loss such as that of a spouse, it can be very difficult to face the grief, and dating can sometimes be a way of avoiding a process that needs to happen. I would advise you to protect your heart as well as the heart of anyone you may potentially date. Perhaps you can find a grief counselor that can help you assess your readiness for dating. Keep coming here and venting your thoughts. It hasn't been very long for you, but it may seem like an eternity. Hang in there. Keep breathing. I'm so sorry for the heartbreak you have experienced. Maureen

Hugs, D. I hope you can have some peace this week while remembering Tim. Your post brought me back to the years we worked together and I remember you pregnant with your oldest son. (We were so young back then!) I hope your course can keep you focused away from the harder memories of Tim's last moments. This is my week, too...7 years for Barry on Thursday. Hugs, Maureen

mbanyard, An estate file...that is just plain mean. I'm sorry you have been handed such an insensitive case right now. I understand the there is business to do but where is human decency? How many employees does your company have? Are you eligible for FMLA? My doctor was willing to complete paperwork for me under a grief/exhaustion type of diagnosis after my first husband died. I had already used all of my paid leave, but I kept my benefits. If your law firm is small, your employer might be exempt, though. Hugs, Maureen

The advantage of a forum like this is that you can remain as anonymous as you would like until, perhaps, you feel more comfortable making yourself known to someone. I've been a part of this forum and its predecessor for almost 7 years now. My advice to people who are a little nervous about putting information out in public is to use the private message feature to respond to someone with whom you resonate. Start a dialogue, perhaps with another widower, someone in your own time frame, or someone months to even years ahead of you who you feel might be able to listen to what you have to say. Sometimes, the best people to "talk" to are those who are right where you are now...feeling every bit as sad and overwhelmed and lost as you are. You feel very alone, but you are not the only one. I'm so sorry you had to join our club, but I assure you, these members are pretty amazing. Hugs, Maureen

I took 6 weeks off after my first husband died. I was exhausted physically and emotionally from caregiving and his last week living with him in the ICU. I wanted to return to some semblance of routine, but I was still quite emotional. I spent a lot to time looking at the floor when I was walking in the first couple of weeks so I wouldn't have to meet people's gaze. I needed to hold myself together. Before returning to work, I met with my boss, whom I had known and worked with for several years, and I told her what I hoped for from my colleagues...such as not asking me how I was (obviously, not good) and for people to go on as normally as they could (so they would not have uncomfortable silences over lunch, for instance...talk about what they would normally talk about). In a staff meeting, my boss told my coworkers about our conversation. I think this made everyone more comfortable. When my second husband died, I was a college student again. He was a university professor and he died 11 days before the semester started. I went back to school in a very supportive environment, where just about everyone knew my story, and some students and 95% of faculty and staff knew my husband. Having been through the loss of a spouse once before, I knew more of what I needed, and in many respects, I knew what others needed, too. I spoke to my classes, my husband's students and many faculty and staff and we shared tears and stories together. It was a much more comfortable place for me to be fully real with people and for me, an emotionally expressive person, this worked well. Over 2 1/2 years later, people still talk about my husband and mention his name, reminisce about him, mention how they miss his wisdom, and talk about his accomplishments. I'm grateful for this, even though I am constantly reminded of what I have lost. I agree that it isn't easy to focus at work and be as productive as I once was. I also know that work and school have helped me focus and put one foot in front of the other. These early weeks and months are hard. Be gentle with yourself as you navigate back into the work environment. Hugs, Maureen

Thank you for your thoughtful post, Portside. Although I have not experienced this type of loss, it is good to see how your children have fared at 10 years out from the death of their mother. My condolences on the loss of your mother and your children's grandmother. Maureen

Hi, sikeuritgadeun, Welcome to our forum. I'm sorry you had to join this club, but glad you found a place where you can feel at home. I developed significant panic and anxiety after the death of my second husband. His death was unexpected and I felt as if the rug had been pulled out from under me. I also had medical issues that started less than 2 weeks after he died, leading to surgery and a cancer diagnosis. My doctors were very kind to me throughout this process, and I tried several medications to try to manage the anxiety. Most of them were not tolerated because of side effects. After a year, I decided to get a service dog, and after that, the severity of my symptoms improved significantly. I still take a short-acting medication to help me shut off my brain when I go to bed at night. I still have triggers that impact me, but I manage them better and I can often remove myself from those triggers and restore some semblance of emotional control. Again, my dog really helps me. If I need it, I can also take short acting medication in a pinch, but I try not to do that. For one, I have been advised not to drive while taking it. I don't know how far out you are or where you live, but it has always been helpful to meet others who have walked this path. Don't be afraid to reach out to others or look in the widowbago section to see if there is one near you. If not, consider asking if others are in your area and you can meet up with others who have been where you are now. Hugs, Maureen

I received something in the mail today with John's name on it. I don't know what it is. I haven't opened it yet. Sigh. Maureen

It was an interesting read and something with which I can identify...but this stab was pretty unnecessary. Maureen

Not the same thing, but I am under surveillance for cancer that reared it's ugly head 2 1/2 years ago. My insurance and I pay the cancer hospital big bucks every time I visit. And they send me money asking for my support, too? Be real! Maureen

Was yesterday Saturday? I can't keep track. I finished a 2 day job of painting my kitchen. I was tired, but not settled enough to go to sleep. So I kept a fellow wid company on the phone for awhile. It's a long holiday weekend, and i am putting my kitchen back together, culling things I don't want and don't use, doing some homework, and visiting a friend in the hospital. Maureen

Trying, I have absolutely no experience on which to give you advice, but I know you are a thoughtful, loving and caring woman and you have your son's best interests in mind. I hope you can keep the door open for him to come back and talk to you when he is ready. He is at the stage where he needs to figure some things out for himself. Still, I try to imagine your anguish. Hugs, Maureen

Hi, AprilRain, I wanted you to know I read every word. I don't have experience like this, but there are others who have been on our forum who have had similar experiences. I have a friend that lives locally but is not on the board who finally divorced his wife after 28 years. She wasn't well physically or mentally for a very, very long time, and he finally realized he couldn't make a difference and it was only tearing him down more. His ex-wife ended her own life 6 months after the divorce was final. He is working on acceptance of what he could not change. Just know that you are welcome here and not the only one born in the early 60's. Maureen

Not sure what you said, but cancer sucks. Even when I sit here with no evidence of disease (NED) it still looms over my head. Hugs, Maureen

floodavis, I'm sorry you had to join our club. I knew when I met my first husband that he would not live to be an old man because he had a progressive disease. At the end of his life, he required care 24/7. I have stated this before, but I think it mirrors how you feel: I was very well prepared for him to die, but I was not prepared for him to be dead. The pain I felt after he died was immense sadness. The day I had dreaded for 18 years had arrived. I don't think anything can prepare us for them to really be gone. Hugs to you. I'm so sorry for your loss. Maureen

Hugs. I'm approaching 7 years with my first husband...and over 2 1/2 with my second. So much of what you said resonates with me, too. Maureen

Just want to say...a grave site can sit there a long time without a stone. And you don't have to bury anything right away. You can tell them you aren't ready to make a decision. I buried half of my second husband's ashes next to his late wife 18 months after he died. There still isn't a stone on that grave at 2 1/2 years out. I have the other half of his ashes in my house, but I have a plot and a stone at the local cemetery. Mixed up, eh? But I don't care. I am doing things in my own time frame. Maureen