Wheelerswife

Welcome back, pCf. Maureen

YWBB was Young Widows Bulletin Board. It closed just prior to this board opening...because, I understand, the moderators had moved on in their lives and no longer wanted the upkeep. It was sad to see over a decade of wisdom just disappear. I'm grateful that some members of this board immediately went to work and set up a new board so we could migrate to a new place. Again...all of you newer wids...reach out to each other. There is a private message feature here. Don't be afraid to use it to send a message you don't wish to have public. Ask if there are people who live near you. Meet for coffee or lunch or dinner. You will be amazed at how strangers can quickly become friends. My first large bago was in Dallas/Fort Worth Texas. I had only "met" people through messages on the old board or in the chat room. There were 25 of us there that weekend. That's a lot of people, I know. But we became fast friends. We had fun. If you see the bago pictures that Wifeless posted, you will see people smiling. That is because we are amongst people who get us and don't question how we can be laughing one minute and have tears of sadness trickling from our eyes the next minute. Mostly, though, people find themselves at home with other people who understand our losses. I'm rambling now. My message...connect with others. Maureen

It really takes time to process this kind of loss. Some of us really need to say this over and over again, to ourselves and to whomever might listen. That is some of the beauty of this board. We get it, and you can ramble on to your heart's content to try to wrap your head around this reality. I wasn't sure how I was going to survive the loss of my second husband. Even though I had been through this before and I had come through the darkness and found goodness in life, I couldn't even rely on my own experience to recognize that I truly could come through the darkness again. It has taken me longer, and I can't really say that I am out of all of the darkness yet, but I know I am moving forward. I understand that other people's words aren't always that convincing. But as Portside said recently, there have been a lot of people on this website and its predecessor that no longer come here...and that is mostly because life has improved and they are much less focused on being widowed. Some of us more seasoned wids come here to try to support newer wids - I come here because it was important to me when I was new to see people further out who had walked this road. I will say, though, that some of the best support you can have is from people who lost their spouses in a similar time frame as you. They are the people most likely to understand where you are right now. Find them. Connect with them. Go to the chat room in those long hours when you are alone. I met some great people in the chat room when I was a newbie... Sending hugs... Maureen

I don't have kids, either. My first husband died in September 2009 and I spent Thanksgiving with one of my sisters and her adult children and in-laws. Nobody would even mention my husband's name. It was incredibly uncomfortable for me. I chose to spend Christmas alone - actually in the chat room with other wids. My second holidays were spent with my second husband...future husband at the time. It is going on three years since he died and I have spent some holidays with family since then, but none live near me. I just spent Thanksgiving half-way across the country, but I am staying home for Christmas. I imagine I will connect with some local friends, but holidays don't seem to carry the significance that they used to have. I spent the last Christmas I had with my second husband driving 14 hours to see his mother. A week later, on New Years Eve/Day, we drove back home. He was gone 10 days later, and I will always treasure the memories of our long conversations on those drives. If you feel better joining in the holiday traditions and festivities, by all means do it. Sometimes, the hubbub helps distract you and it passes the time more quickly. Leave yourself an out. Park where you can leave when you have had your fill. If traditions are too painful, try something new. One of my widow friends spent Thanksgiving feeding homeless people this year. We do survive this. It is truly possible to thrive again. Holidays can make us question this potential. I know many widowed people who are able to find joy in their lives again. I found joy again, too, and I am determined that my life is not going to be just full of sadness, even though I have been widowed twice. Make friends with others who understand you. Post away. Maureen

Hello, Eric. I'm so sorry for your loss. You have endured so much in just over a year's time. I hate that your dreams have been shattered at such a young age. As you already know, this is a very painful time. You have barely had time to breathe. Your friends likely have no concept of how you feel and how much pain you are enduring. Grief can be a very lonely place. I hope that you are eating some, drinking water, getting sleep when you can, and taking comfort from people around you. Right now, it is sometimes enough to just get through one day at a time. If you think too far into the future, you can get overwhelmed. I assure you, though, that you will survive this. I doubt you can see that possibility sometimes, but hang onto the knowledge that there are many of us who have lived this incredible pain and find the capacity to go on and eventually feel fulfilled again. I am almost three years out from the loss of my second husband and although I don't have everything together yet, things are starting to fall into place. I'm making a career change and finishing a master's degree and plan on making a move back to the east coast from the center of the country. I could not have done this 3 years ago, but school has given me purpose and structure and that has helped me accomplish more than I expected. I hope you can find something on which you can focus and keep putting one foot in front of the other. Keep coming here. You are not the only very young person here. Those on a similar time frame will understand you best. Don't be afraid to reach out to anyone here with whom you feel some kind of connection. Some of my best friends are those I met on this board and its predecessor. Hugs to you, Maureen

Hugs to you, SVS. I don't think it is easy to lose anyone, but the degree of grief is in proportion to the relationship? You feel what you feel. I'm pondering some similar kinds of feelings myself in relation to my own father. We had a 90th birthday party for him the day after Thanksgiving. He recently was diagnosed with lung cancer and he has chosen to forego treatment. He is slipping a bit mentally, but is still fairly strong and independently mobile. The kicker for me is that we are not close and he has felt it necessary to criticize me for as long as I can remember. I have made decisions for my own life that do not match his belief system. I have lived at geographical distance for over 30 years. When the end comes for him, I hope he doesn't suffer and I hope he is at peace. Perhaps I will grieve for what I had wished for from my father? I am more concerned about my mother and her loss. She will become more and more of a caregiver, and then she will lose her husband. More hugs... Maureen

I'm sitting at my desk in the same clothes I wore yesterday. Oh, there's a reason for that. I was flying home from Houston and missed my connection in Denver. But somehow...my suitcase grew legs and made it on the plane that was backing out of the gate when I arrived huffing and puffing after racing the length of the entire B concourse to get there. I had a lovely night in Denver in a hotel that wanted to charge me 10 bucks for internet access. I made it home about noon today and I have been trying to get myself to write a paper...this is my sexy widowed Saturday night! How many more weeks of school? 3? Happy Saturday, everyone! Oh...yeah...I was in Houston for oncology follow-up. My scans are clear again. I will return in 6 months and hope for more of the same. Maureen

6 months is not a long time...yet it might sometimes feel like decades have passed. Deep pain has set in. The early busy tasks are finished...at least the ones that "had" to be done. Now there is a list of shoulds, but no motivation, no energy to fuel getting things finished, and a heap of holidays, too. It is no wonder you feel like crap. I don't know if this is helpful, but you will continue to put one foot in front of the other. You have done it for 6 months. I know that sometimes I didn't know how I was going to get through the next hours, day, weeks, ordeal, or family gathering. But I did it. This pain softens in time, more quickly for some, slower for others, but it does. I've been through this twice, and believe it or not, having done it once didn't help me much with getting through the second time. I knew the process, yet I still felt the despair and the deep, deep pain of the loss of my second wonderful love. I'm approaching 3 years in January, and I have become more accustomed to being alone and not having my husband here to love and support me. It still hurts. I still get teary when my husband comes up in conversation and when his colleagues grace me with memories of him, but I have fewer meltdowns and anxiety attacks. I wanted you to know that I hear you and I hurt for you and I would hug all the pain away if I could. Keep posting and getting your thoughts and feelings out. Hugs, Maureen

Years later...our hearts still remember. Hugs to you today. Maureen

I'm sitting at my desk, trying to write one of the seven papers that need to be written in the next few weeks. As usual, I'm distracted and now back to actively procrastinating. I might as well write a post here, as I haven't posted in awhile. I anyone else tapped out? I have three more weeks of class and one week of finals, and then I have a final project and my Master's degree will be completed. I've been back in school for 5 years. I started about 2 years after the death of my first husband. I was close to finishing another Bachelor's degree when my second husband died unexpectedly. School has been the force that has kept me putting one foot in front of the other since my second husband died. It is hard to believe that I have been at this for the last 3 years alone. So...this era will be coming to an end. It is time to join the world of the gainfully employed again. That means a job search, selling my house and moving. I don't know where I'm going, so that makes it fun. Yeah. Fun. Well, no. It just makes me anxious. More than likely, I will end up within earshot of the northeast. I have no one here in the middle of Kansas, but I will be leaving the university my husband adored and where I have found a home for the last several years. I need a fresh start, though, where the world hasn't seen my collapse and my less-than-graceful moments. I'm trying not to look too far ahead. Have to finish what is on my plate now, and then make myself a new list. What is unfinished? Get the house ready to put on the market. Revise my resume again. Start writing cover letters. Find a real job. Pack up and move. Start all over again. I hate that I have to do this again. Rant over. Maureen

Hugs, Rob. Maureen

I'm so sorry to have to welcome you to our club. It is such a shock to lose a spouse so unexpectedly. I think you have the right idea about breathing and swimming. At this point, you have to just try to put one foot in front of the other. We are here when you need us. Don't be afraid to reach out to those who resonate with you. Hugs, Maureen

I am truly happy for you! May you have years and years of happiness together! Big hugs! Maureen

Why can he see your profile through her account? You wouldn't think she had access to look at the accounts of women looking for men. Scam is written all over this one.

Yes. Losing a spouse breaks us, each in his or her own way. But it doesn't have to "trash" us. Some of us take longer to rebuild. We are changed. We can not go back to who or what we were before completely, but that is kind of the same as when other major events in life happen. I know that the death of my second husband broke me harder than the death of my first husband. I don't know why I wasn't as resilient as I was after my first husband died, but that is my reality. It has been almost 3 years since my second husband died, and I am approaching another big change in my life. I hope that I can make another transition with grace instead of collapse. Perhaps the bigger factor was the unexpected circumstances of my second husband's death and the immediate serious health issues that followed. I don't think very many people feel too solid in the first months after the loss of a spouse. I don't think that how you are doing at that point is a good predictor of future functioning. Hang in there and try not to look too far into the future. Hugs, Maureen

I think I would tell him that after thinking about it, you have come to the realization that being a reference for a family member or significant other isn't considered professional. You can remain neutral and think about it generally from an ethics perspective. Best wishes, Maureen

Welcome, Mary. I'm sorry that you have the circumstances in your life to qualify you to be a part of our club. You are certainly welcome here and can vent to your heart's desire. You bring your own story to the group that can also enlighten others, but we are also here to give you support. Honestly, nobody knows how they will react to the loss of a beloved spouse or partner until it happens to them. There are so many emotions surrounding our losses, and I imagine things are even more complicated when that person that you loved ended his own life. That isn't my experience, but others here have lost spouses to suicide and can offer you a different kind of understanding. I hope you feel comfortable here and telling your story as much as you feel comfortable. Hugs, Maureen

I'm sorry for your loss as well as the confusing and hurtful information that you have discovered. Not many people know that I was told of some terribly upsetting behavior of my first husband that had occurred several years before he died. If I had known, I might have decided not to stay with him. Once I knew, I became quite angry and needed to figure out what to do with this information. I found a good therapist who helped me process what I had found out and get through the anger. I also paced a path around his grave and ranted and yelled at him. In the long run, I realized that it didn't help me to hold onto the anger and I had to let it go. There wasn't anything I could do about the past, and I didn't see any evidence of that kind of behavior in the rest of our years together. I prefer to remember the man I loved and who loved me. Give yourself some time and don't be afraid to find some help to process all of what you are feeling. Maureen

I had medical problems right after my second husband died. I had surgery and was diagnosed with a rare and aggressive cancer. I wanted it to just take me. But no, it didn't. It just served to reinforce that I don't have control of much in this life! Holidays are hard. I found the first year to be the worst. People wouldn't talk about the elephant in MY room. They were more concerned with not upsetting me or ruining the holiday. Frankly, it was easier to spend Christmas alone than Thanksgiving with family. It isn't as hard as it used to be. Hang in there. Hugs, Maureen

Hi and welcome to our forum. I understand what it is like to lose your spouse and really be alone. I don't have kids, either. It is hard to move forward in life when we find ourselves alone, especially when our minds were glued to the vision of living to old age with our spouses. I knew my first husband would die young (he made it to 53), but I was unprepared for my second husband to die young as well (5 days shy of 57). I feel more, sometimes, for those widowed much younger than I was (47 the first time) and those with little ones who have lost their Mommy or Daddy. None-the-less, this impacts each of us similarly, yet differently based on our circumstances, temperament, etc. My experience tells me that there will be a period of time before any of us can start to see the light, and that period of time is quite different for each of us. The reality is that we do continue to live and breathe and somehow, we have to figure out how to continue making a life from what we have. For me, I hate being miserable, and that itself seems to be a big motivation to try to figure out how to continue to live. In the mean time, we take this one day at a time...which in all honesty, is the only way we can live anyways. Work on getting through today and this week. I found this type of forum more helpful than grief groups, especially those that were for grief of any kind or those that had mostly people as old as my parents. But you will do what works best for you and with the resources you have, too. I'm sorry you had to join us, but I'm glad you found us. Maureen

ShineOn, My, how you have changed. I would not have recognized you. I hope you are well... The Other Maureen

Hi, Bill. Welcome to our little community. I resonate with you when you say you thought you were prepared. In hindsight, I realize that I was prepared for my first husband to die, but I wasn't prepared for him to be dead. That's an entirely different animal. It hasn't been that long for you, but it is certainly a good time to connect with others who understand. This board and its predecessor have been lifelines for me - and like JeanGenie, I have met many people from this board...including her. It sounds like you are Canadian, since you have passed the first holiday of Thanksgiving (holidays can be really hard). Hang in there, find others with whom you resonate, and don't be afraid to make some connections here. Maureen

Hugs to you, bumbleb. The 7 year hit me harder than I expected it would just a few weeks ago. I had most of the day off and tried to write a paper for school, but didn't have the best success. I had class and many people knew it was a tough day for me, but I just pushed my way through. As has been my experience, the days before were hard and the day after I had significant relief from my anguish. Not that I wish days away, but I will hope you get to the other side of this anniversary date and the grief will again abate. Maureen

Hugs.... Maureen

I'm sorry, Mike, but I can't let this sit here without comment. I understand that some people may be able to move forward to a place where the impact of being widowed lessens significantly or is even eliminated. I don't think, however that this is a significant majority of us. Your comment insinuates that it takes a certain attitude or resolve or strength or something...to "overcome" the impact of widowhood, and that all of us should be capable of finding a way to manage this task. I personally don't believe this is possible, and I don't believe it is even desired. If I were able to overcome the impact of widowhood, I would have to deny my very self, which is the person that I am that has evolved because of my experiences of being widowed. Of course, I am not just a person who has been widowed and many other parts of me contribute to my identity. My other experiences in life, such as my education, my careers, my family, my friends (I could go on) impact the person that I am. How could losing a spouse not have a lasting impact on me? Perhaps there are people who have the ability to choose to ignore the impact of widowhood, or who overcome some of the the impact of widowhood because positive experiences in their life begin to supersede the challenges due to loss. I suspect that this could be the case where the relationship with the late spouse was stressful and challenging and there is relief that comes in addition to grief when the spouse dies. But I don't know that this is possible...or, as I said, even desired...by those of us who have had really wonderful and beautiful relationships with our late spouses. I worked for over 2 decades in health care, and with more elderly people in my last 10 years of work. I was often in positions where I spent hours with people during their physical rehabilitation. Patients often asked about my family as we passed the time doing exercises or resting between them. After I lost my first husband, I would sometimes tell patients this information in response to their question, "Are you married?" I had a good handful or two open up to me about being widowed young. Not once did any of them ever tell me that I would get over it. Their stories were more about how they didn't have anyone in their lives that knew of the persistent feelings of loss that they had, even in spite of the positives in their lives - including remarriage. Some of these people had been widowed 30 years or more and could clearly recall memories of the happy times they had had with their late spouses, as well as admitting to the reality that the loss still impacted them many many years later. I'm sorry to hijack the original thread, but I wanted to address this comment. Quite honestly, if loss still wasn't impacting those of us who are years out, we wouldn't still feel the need to be checking in on this type of board, even if we only believe we do it to encourage others who have also walked this path. I know that after remarrying, I still stayed on the old board (YWBB, which has since shut down) precisely because I knew that in spite of the wonderful relationship I had with my second husband, the loss of my first husband continued to have - and still has - an impact on me. Maureen