Wheelerswife

Thank you, Torn. I'm not sure just how I came to be one of the fortunate few who have not had early recurrences of this cancer, especially since my tumor was growing quite rapidly when it was removed. The further out I get, the easier it is to have a vision of life where this cancer is less likely to welcome itself back into my life. At this point, I know I want to share my life with someone really special again...but that someone special (are you out there!?) is going to have to accept my known risks. That is a lot to ask of someone. In the meantime, I just try to live the life ahead of me...and at this particular moment, that means doing my homework! Hugs, Maureen

LTSLforever, The picture above was taken about 2 months after my second husband died. I was incredibly miserable and just a few weeks after abdominal surgery. BUT...I had my widow friends with me. You would be surprised how easy it is to smile and laugh (even with a healing incision!) and have happy moments when you are with people who get you, and you can be authentic. Underneath the smile you see on my face in this picture is the Maureen that was wavering between wanting the cancer to just kill her quickly and the Maureen that knew deep down that she would get through this, somehow, with the love of friends and and some personal resilience, too. Believe me, two years after this picture, it isn't all roses. I do find that I can smile and laugh, but there is a lot of time that I still spend alone and remembering the life I had...the life I wanted, the life I still want, but I can't ever have. Sometimes, that is hard to reconcile in my head. I find I live less of my life in the past and more of it in the present, and sometimes I can have my eyes fixed on the future. I live for the hope of happiness again and I try to use this in-between time to slowly prepare myself for what will be coming...a new career, probably a move, the need to be open to the possibilities. I hate not knowing what the future will bring, but I know I want more than I have right now...more happiness, more love, more friendship, more satisfaction in my work. Gosh, I didn't expect to ramble... Maureen

Tracey, you have had mini-bagos! You were the first widow that I traveled to meet....and we met up with Avery and the three of us talked from 4 PM until they kicked us out of Chili's at closing time. And...we had a mini-bago in Philly 2 years ago with TooSoon! Don't discount the one-on-ones and small group get-togethers! Hugs, Maureen

2ManyQuestions, I am also widowed twice. My second husband was an incredible man, also widowed himself. He died unexpectedly in his sleep. Why??? I know there is no good answer to that question. I had already started a new life with him, made all kinds of transitions (like moving half way across the country, leaving my old profession and going back to school) and then the rug was pulled out from under me. It has been over 2 years...the hardest 2 years of my life. I still had school...and more school...which, along with traveling during my school breaks, has kept me moving (forward, I guess?) I finish my Master's in December, and then I need to figure out where the next segment of my life is going. No matter how hard I look for answers, they come slowly. I know my career field (Higher Education) but I don't know exactly what or where I want to live. As far as belief systems, I don't believe in any higher power. I don't think there is any "reason" why my husbands died. I know the causes of their deaths, which were purely medical situations. Human bodies have their limits. I know, though, what real happiness is, and I want to be happy. I know great sadness, too, more than my share if there was something like fairness in this life. In the midst of my set-backs and hard times, I try to keep my eyes on trying to understand what will make me happy, whether that is an honest human interaction, a snuggle with my dog when anxiety is kicking my butt, or some time overlooking the view of a snow-capped volcano. Life is short. Somehow, I am determined to find a way to be happy...although I wish it would come together sooner. I'm not good at waiting. Hugs to you. PM me if you want to talk. Maureen

I feel you. My 5th anniversary is coming up...the third without him. Sometimes, I am really at a loss as to what to think of how such great love didn't get to last forever.... Hugs, Maureen

Okay. I wasn't expecting a love fest, but I'm going to put in my $0.02 about some other folks, too. RIFF is a dear friend, and I have others who are dear to me on the east coast, where I lived with DH1. I was at a bago the day my second husband died, and RIFF and several others were with me. After I finally heard from the police that they had found my husband and he was dead, word spread quickly. I was met by other widow friends and taken to their home. Widow friends who had disbanded from the bago turned around and came back to my friends' home. The next day, others, many of which had traveled 2-3 hours to get to the bago the day before, again drove in to Connecticut to spend the afternoon with me. Some others that I had never met came up from New York City. The list of people who have been there for me is too long to write. It isn't too good to be true. People here...just like you and me...are that amazing. I have tears on the keyboard now. Maureen

Just over 2 years ago, my second husband John (Polarbear on the old YWBB) died very unexpectedly in his sleep. I was extremely devastated. Twelve days later, I started having medical issues and six weeks after he died, I had major surgery. Two weeks later, I received the dreaded diagnosis of a rare and aggressive cancer called leiomyosarcoma. I live in the sticks of Western Kansas, and I needed to see a specialized oncologist. Some of my widow friends, pictured above, were not going to let me do this alone. All of the people in this picture were members of the old YWBB, the precursor to this board, and they probably lurk around here, too. Some of these people I had met before, others I had only known through board messages and the chat room. I had come to know them after the death of my first husband, and some of these people had met my second husband. They came from New York, New Mexico, Texas, Missouri, Tennessee, and Arkansas to Wichita, Kansas to spend a weekend with me and one of them even went with me to my first oncology appointment ever. I think I just want to impress upon people that widow support has been so critical to my survival and I hope that many of you, especially those of you who are newer, can reach out to other people here and find friendship with them. Each of us has different needs and that's okay, too. Virtual connections are real connections as well. I know it can't be forced, but if you resonate with someone, shoot off a PM. You might find a friend or 7. The chat room, although I haven't been there in forever, can be a great place to start conversations, whether serious or silly. As for me, the one in the plaid flannel, I am followed at a different cancer center now and amazingly, I have had no further signs of cancer since my surgery...but I know that my widow friends would find ways to support me should my future scans show that the ugly beast is back. Hugs, Maureen

Is the "like" button gone? I hope not. Maureen

Hi, rmdee67. Welcome to our board. You have been through a lot in one year. It is hard to lose your spouse and even harder to learn things about them that you probably didn't really want to know. I found out some things about my first husband after he died. I took the time (and a good therapist) to work through that information and decided it was best to put it behind me. Your husband wasn't just the unfaithful man with mental health and addiction issues. He was the good person you fell in love with and remember, too. It is your prerogative to work through and decide how to filter some of your memories and knowledge. I hope that mental health professionals can help you understand your relationship with your husband so that you can have healthy relationships in the future. As far as the man you are attracted to, it seems like you need to wrap your head around the concept that he isn't available and isn't likely to become available to you. I found someone new about 6 months after my first husband died and things moved very quickly. But...the attraction was mutual. (I've since lost him, too, less than 4 years after we met and 3 years after we were married.) I'm starting to experiment with dating again, at 2 years out, and it is a very different ball of wax. I hope to find someone who is amazing in his own way...but my next great love isn't here yet. In the meantime, I keep putting one foot in front of the other and living life one day at a time. Focus isn't easy after losing a spouse...and definitely not when your mind is on something that you can't have. You don't want someone who doesn't want you. That will never work. Be good to yourself and keep coming here to say what's on your mind. Maureen

I feel this one! I hate the unknown in front of me. Some days I can tolerate knowing I have to wait to get some answers, but I'm tired of not having control over my future. I know I have school until December, but damn! I want to have some sense of what will come next. Where will this new life start up again? Will I be doing it alone? Am I doomed to be lonely? I'm grateful for having my dog in my life when the anxiety over these questions starts rising. She keeps me fairly grounded by intervening very quickly. I've learned to manage most of my overt symptoms, but the underlying angst is still there. I feel for you, TooSoon. Hugs, Maureen

Hugs.... Maureen

Oh, for the old YWBB folks, this thread got really, really racy. Anyone remember Russell? Maureen

It is hard to have hope sometimes. After my first husband died, I found hope rather quickly, compared to many others. I was naive in thinking that others could find hope like I did, if they only made the decision to be happy and be open to hope. I was just lucky, really. I found an incredible man, also widowed, who understood me so well. We fell in love quickly. We had financial stability. I moved to be with him, started a completely new life and remarried. I went back to school and traveled both domestically and internationally. Life was grand. I wanted everyone else to find what I had found, and some of my friends did find the same kind of happiness. At the same time, I had come to recognize that each person's circumstances were unique and their experiences of widowhood were sometimes very different from mine. Then my second husband died. I started having anxiety and panic attacks. I had health issues, surgery and was diagnosed with a rare and aggressive form of cancer. My sense of hope went right out the window. I finally had a glimpse of how some other people have a very, very different experience of widowhood. Part of me is still quite resilient and I want hope and happiness in my life, but I know it isn't nearly as easy as just wanting it. So...I keep putting one foot in front of the other. I grieve. I spend a lot of time contemplating life. I am grateful for what I have had in my life...knowing love that some others never see. I try to hope for that kind of love again. I know that is what I want...although I realize that not everyone out there wants what I want. I do wish that other widows will find happiness again, in whatever form that takes for them. But I know that happiness does not come purely by making a decision to be happy. If it were that easy, we would all be happy again by the second anniversary, right? Hugs, Maureen

I'm listening. Hugs, Maureen

As another long term extreme caregiver, I really do understand this. Reliving the end of their lives is so painful, but for me, it seemed necessary. I eventually came to integrate the experience. I don't think there is any "easy" way for people who have had long term chronic and debilitating conditions to gracefully exit this world. They either have to give up trying to stay alive, or be subjected to more painful and exhausting treatment. The burden of care falls on someone else...you and me. My first husband also made the decision to quit fighting, and he did that while critically ill in the ICU. I realized then that he probably didn't have much chance of making it through the proposed treatment plan, and if he did, he would have an even more compromised quality of life, which was, by this point, already very dependent and uncomfortable at best. I wasn't forced to take him home, though. His life ended a few days later, still in that ICU bed. Hugs to you as you get through the upcoming days and past the second anniversary. Maureen

John and I spent 2-3 hours a day just talking. We did this every day, even the days we worked or were at school for 10 or more hours. We also traveled a fair amount and were together 24/7, sometimes for a few weeks. We talked even more then. Along with the knowledge of just how deeply he loved me, I miss our conversations the most. We were never at a loss for something really interesting and deep to talk about. I get it, SVS! Maureen

Having already outlived two husbands who were 6.5 and 5 years older than me, I would certainly entertain the idea of dating someone younger. He must be potty trained and weaned from nursing from his mother. Maybe I should have a few other qualifications on my list? Maureen

I just think you know how to be professional. I don't know if you remember this, but back in the mid 1990's, we were at work one day and I got a phone call from my husband that he had been in an accident with his van. (A little old lady broadsided him coming down a hill, he lost control of the van and rammed into a house!) I had to leave work immediately. He ended up hospitalized for a few days with injuries that could have been serious, but he did well. You and our colleagues took over my caseload. I came back to work a few days later and everyone was supportive of me, but we got back to work and took care of what needed to be done. My point, really, is that you know the time and place for personal discussions and you can be empathetic, but you know how to find the balance. Yes, our BS meters don't have nearly as much forgiveness as they once did, but we are also used to working with people who have big problems in terms of their health. The older we get, the more we understand that people can only understand their problems in relation to their own life experience and maturity. Those who haven't learned as many life lessons yet most likely will, but still, I hope that people don't have to learn some of what I learned before I turned 50. Hang in there...and know that your life experience and professionalism will get you far as you embark on your new and adventurous career path. Maureen

I'm sorry. I don't know what I would do if I were you. I'm sensing that you need something for you, too. Is there a wake? Could you make arrangements for a private time with him present? Will there be an interment? How can you remember him, perhaps with other people who knew the two of you together? Letting go of our dreams is hard. I don't know if you had hope for getting back together again, but you apparently loved him, even though there were challenges in your relationship and with his family. Hugs, and keep breathing. Maureen

Hugs to you. I'm so sorry. Maureen

That's a long hike from Kansas in the middle of a semester! I'm likely to be pulling my hair out next October as I work to finish my culminating experience - our version of comprehensive exams. It would be awesome to take a fall hike where there are actual trees and hills to see...but I doubt I can work this one in. Maureen

Good for you! I still have until December, when I will graduate. I hope you find the nursing home placement a good experience. I worked in this setting for over a decade...and you are right, these residents have a lot of mental health needs. You might be surprised at the breadth of issues you might end up addressing, including addictions. You might also see a number of people you wouldn't think you would find in a nursing home...young people, often with chronic illness and mental health diagnoses. I hope you can get some good experience in your placement! Maureen

I'm in the air this afternoon, but I am thinking about all of you New England wids!

I have spent the weekend with old friends from high school. One was my best friend back then. I hadn't seen her since the day I married my first husband. We have had a blast catching up on old times and life in general. It was good to have fun with old friends who knew me well 35 years ago and who could listen to my life story. Maureen

Missing you, I think we try to stay strong so we don't fall apart. The reality is that we keep breathing, even when we don't think we can. I won't lie...it hurts like hell. I was soooo happy when I found myself in love with my second husband. I didn't believe it was possible to be that happy. I know that it is...I experienced it myself and I know several others who have been widowed who have found really great love again. But...as unfair as it is for us to have been widowed when we are young, it feels even more unfair to have a second love ripped away from us. But life just isn't fair, is it? Sometimes we need a safe place to express our anger (yeah, I was angry). Any illusions that I had that I was strong and in control of my life were certainly unveiled. Anxiety and panic hit me and still remind me that there is so much in this life I can't control. At the same time, I'm too stubborn to give any of my power away that I can actually wield. This hasn't been an easy road, but I'm still upright, even if I need crutches to keep myself upright and moving forward. Grab onto whatever you can. Hang in there. Maureen