Catnip

Wow. I'm impressed!! My husband was my computer guy. He lived and breathed computers. His job for 20 years was working for a company that backed up the school districts. He loved, loved, loved his job. For him, it was not work. He would work all day then come home and be on our computer. To think that I used to get mad at him because if I wanted to talk to him I'd have to talk to the back of his head while he was at the computer! I've learned a lot, too. First, it was from the lady at Bank of America. My husband paid all our bills on line, and I did not even know the password to get into the bank account. I now pay our bills on line. We, too, have replaced our home computer twice since he's been gone (9 years now). But, thankfully, my one son has taken over the duties of being my IT tech. He learned well from his Dad. I often wonder what technology my husband would have now. He did not even have a smart phone. The world has changed so much over the last 9 years. I think of him now up in Paradise with the best, fastest, newest computer ever that never crashes. He now never has to go back into work when the power goes out, or to backup the systems over the holidays. May he rest in peace!

I'm so, so sorry Maureen. Hugs and peace to you. ~Catnip

Hey Hey Maureen, No making fun of my Yankees! They are still at spring training in Florida and they just won today against the Atlanta Braves. My poor Jacoby Ellsbury just got injured in his hand, but he still has time to get well before opening day on April 4th. I have tickets for April 23rd. I'm going with my brother. We drive from Albany to Poughkeepsie, then take the Metro North train to the Bronx that drops us off right across the street from Yankee Stadium. Can't wait!! Love, ~Catnip

I work full-time. I always bring my lunch, in a vinyl lunch bag-NY Yankee bag, so I love to use it. I usually always bring PBJ, a yogurt (and a spoon from home) and an apple. I love coffee. So I bring my own from home. Again, I have a Yankee thermos I bought at Yankee Stadium. So I love to use it. I make 2 K-Cups at home, put in my own cream and sugar, and have it on my desk at work. I bring my own coffee cup from home, that I bring home every night and put in the dishwasher. I don't even use half and half anymore, just milk. I could drink more coffee, but this limits me to only two. Then, in the afternoon, I drink tea, with my own tea bags in my desk drawer. So coffee in the morning, tea in the afternoon, but I won't tell you what I drink at night!

I was the organizer for our meetup group for widows and widowers for 4 years. I just stepped down as organizer last year, but I still attend. Our group is for any age, so most are already retired. But I am not. As organizer, I found that we enjoyed going out to dinner to talk about our sorrows and celebrations. Usually, about 10-15 would attend. So I found that I needed restaurants that would take reservations. Many places would NOT take reservations on Friday or Saturday nights. That left week nights, usually Thursday nights. We also requested separate checks. Most places were fine with that, and those that gave us a hard time we just never went back to. We meet twice a month now, one dinner at night, and the first Sunday of the month at a local diner for 1:00 brunch. I have found out that you cannot please everyone. I was always open to suggestions, and it's fun to try new places. Yes, we sometimes try expensive places, but the more casual spots work better. The best attended place seems to be the diner, cheap good food with breakfast all day! I stepped down because I did it for 4 years and set up 56 events! In the summer we did fit in different things- mini golf, boat ride, ice cream night. I just happened to get tired of doing it anymore. Now, two girls organize it. One does the computer and the other calls places for reservations. Make sure you ask members to always RSVP, and be sure to call restaurants the day before to confirm and give them an up to date number of people you expect to attend. And remember, widows are people too. They sometimes RSVP and don't attend and others don't RSVP but show up anyway. I always gave out nametags. Some people come for a few times and then we would never see them again. It served it's purpose. Others have attended for many years and we have become good friends. And remember, the ladies always outnumber the men. Good luck on doing this. I found it very rewarding, and so many people say it really helps them. Let me know how it goes for you! ~Catnip

I'm sorry. Just a few thoughts: Are your kids putting you in this position on purpose because they don't like your husband? Are they manipulative? Are your kids in counseling/on medicine? Can they live in your cellar/spare room so you can all live side by side for just a while? Can you give your kids a deadline, with your husband's agreement, say one month/or April 1st/or Easter/ and then they are out, to give them a chance to heal, and to show your husband you are listening to him, too? Peace to your family, ~Catnip

Hi Rob, Love your daughter's phone stories. My kids are older, but I still read here. Our story: My 30 year old son still lives at home in my basement. I don't mind, he has a full-time job with benefits, and has his BA degree. He mows my lawn and shovels the snow. And, I don't want to be alone. Well, he lost his phone. So he searched his car, and the house, and back to his car again. He finally found the phone in the living room sofa cushions. I knew nothing about this until the next morning. His car wouldn't start. He knew immediately that he left the interior light on and the glove compartment open. His battery died. How did I find out? My car and his car were running in the driveway with him jumping his car. At least my car was warmed up for me! Kids.

My Aunt went to lunch with cousins of mine. Apparently, the talk ?out there? in the family is that I remarried and moved to Florida! What? My Aunt assured them that I did not remarry nor move. I?ve been a widow now for 9 years. I am still in the same house, same job, same kids (2 still at home, one is out on his own). I have never even been out on a date, altho I was asked at 3 months and said no, it was too early for that. I?m doing OK. Who makes up this stuff? I?m around. My brother works with a cousin (and his mother is this Aunt) in a family business. They know I?m still here, that?s why my Aunt was able to tell my other cousins I did not move. I?m just wondering who I married? Did I retire, too? Is he rich? Can he cook? How do celebrities put up with the tabloids? I?m still just shaking my head.

So that's where I need to go!! Thanks for the suggestion. I stopped at Dunkin Donuts yesterday morning for coffee on my way into work. That didn't happen to me. I ordered a French Vanilla. They wrote on the cup FV, which I suppose meant French Vanilla. But it really looked like FU, which I stared at all morning on my desk...

It sounds like he was worth waiting for! Blessings to you both. ~Catnip

It was just 9 years for me, the week before Christmas. Peace to you, ~Catnip

I'm sure they were all crying with you. Peace, ~Catnip

I just spent my 10th Christmas without Dave. Dave died the week before Christmas, 2006 (so it's just 9 years for me). I just did the cooking, decorating, and entertaining, as always. My brother came, and Dave's cousin, for Christmas. It was fun talking about Dave growing up. But, it's so sad, too. Nine years is a long time, so I guess I'd better get used to it, but it's still so very hard. My sons are now 26, 29 and 31. When did that happen? Where does the time go? I, too, met Dave at college, and I was married at age 25. So far, my kids are still single. New Year's Eve will be the hardest. Dave and I always went out to dinner, even when we had to get a sitter for the kids. It's just not right that I should be alone with no one to kiss at midnight. It still hurts so very much. And New Year resolutions? That I may survive another year. Peace to you, and happy New Year. ~Catnip

I keep telling myself I?m ok being alone and not seeking anyone because it?s been 9 years for me. I dated my husband for 4 years and we were married for 26. I married to set up a house and raise a family. I did all that. And, I had him broken in just the way I liked him! I?ve found out that I can do this alone (altho I still hate doing the trash). I have the same house, same job, same kids. I like my own bedroom now and my own closet. I guess I?m used to it by now. I have a few problems: I?m Catholic. That means I can?t marry a divorced man (stupid rule). Men who have never married are men who I would hardly have anything in common with since I have raised a family. Not many unmarried men my age (I?m 60 now). Widowers my age are not around. I belong to a widows and widowers Meetup Group in my area and men hardly ever attend. Next time I?m marrying someone younger than me seeing as how it turned out that we were both the same age. Again, how?s that going to happen? I?m petrified of attempting on-line dating. I?m now 9 years older, probably look it and definitely feel it. Where do I go from here? I can make a New Year?s Resolution to date this year, but I don?t know what to look for. Or rather, I?d like to find someone who can cook and who is rich. I guess I?m too picky this time. So at this moment, I?m ok with being alone. Really I am. Really. I?m ok, I?m ok, I?m ok. Really. PS I?m still wearing my engagement and wedding rings, on my left hand, right where he put them.

It was just 9 years for me last week, December 17th. I still am crying on and off... However, 7:30pm Mass Christmas Eve. Christmas Day, my brother and cousin will be over and my 3 sons. At 1:00pm- chips, dip, cheese, crackers, shrimp, ham roll-ups, rum balls, cookies, chocolate. Dinner at 6:00- spiral cut honey baked ham, mashed potatoes, corn, squash, green salad with cranberries, cranberry bread, then cherry cheesecake for dessert. I'm here at work but have tomorrow "off" to do the final cleaning and baking tomorrow before Mass. I can do this. Plus, I don't know what to wear! All my Christmas sweaters are just that-sweaters. It's supposed to be 70 degrees tomorrow, and high 50s on Christmas day! I'm all for global warming, since last winter my pipes froze twice. Happy holidays to all ~Catnip

I am an older one here. I was married for 26 years and have 3 sons. I guess I was lucky. Yes, I count my blessings. But, I truly believe in the institution of marriage. For me, it hurts when I see others trash it as if it?s such a bad thing to be married, and take the vows of marriage so lightly. Many of us have worked hard on being, and staying married. Yes, I understand many never got the chance to make it to their wedding day. I?m very sorry that never walking down the aisle was another loss for you. Yes, I understand there are those who never wanted to get married for whatever reasons and don?t want ?that piece of paper? as if it?s a bad thing to have. But please be more open to those who chose to get married. It hurts me to see people criticize marriage. For me, it?s not only the legal issues in the eyes of the state, but being married is also recognized in the eyes of the church. The term ?widow? does indicate someone was once married. Marriage is a choice. But the timing of a death ruins plans. It seems that this post is fighting over who ?earns? the title of widow. Arguing over whose grief is worse, a married person or non married person is going no place. No one wins on this. The end result was the same ? we all lost the one person in the whole wide world who meant the world to us. My heart goes out to all of us who have had to experience this loss.

I agree, there are so many questions. I'm Catholic, went to grade school with nuns wearing the old habits, and I attended an all girl high school, again, taught by nuns. And then I went to a college founded by nuns. Do I believe in God? Yes. I attend Mass every Sunday, also because of the community feeling of belonging. I look at it this way. I'm secretary to the Dean of Math and Science at a college. I deal with full-time tenured Ph.D. faculty members all day long. It's funny that some of them cannot figure out the copy machine to fax/scan, 2-sidded copies, they are absent minded professors. Yet their knowledge of Physics? And to be able to teach it? And then there are the Ph.D. people in Computer Science. My knowledge of computers only goes as far as to perform my job. But they teach computers to graduate international students? How on earth do they know all that? I will never know as much as they do. So back to God. He is the one who knows everything about anything. We are not expected to ever know what He knows or thinks. We can question Him, but He is so far above us we will never be able to even fathom it. And we are not expected to know, because, we are human. So being mad at Him only goes so far, since we will never know exactly what He is doing, until we join Him at the end of time. I think that because we have experienced that fine line between life and then the death of our spouse, that questioning our existence is only natural. And it hurts that we can not yet experience what our spouses have already, ahead of us. We must wait.

Wow. 800. That means my heart aches for 800 people. That also means that I have 800 friends!! People I can count on that if I post something, day or night, at least someone will acknowledge that I exist. It also means there are 800 deceased members (or 801, including Maureen's two husbands) that we keep their memory alive. Thanks, ~Catnip

I'm so sorry. It reminds me of the time, are we telling stories here? when my youngest came up to me as I was washing the dishes at the kitchen sink. He said he didn't feel good and then immediately threw up all over my feet and slippers. Or, the time the entire family was sick, the day before Thanksgiving. I had one kid on the toilet (of our small 1 bathroom starter home) and my husband was holding a kid over the kitchen sink getting sick. I was rocking the baby in a rocking chair to calm him down, while my stomach was so sick that I didn't even want to move. Yes, I sympathize with you. But at the time, my husband was still alive. Peace to you, Catnip PS I learned how to change puked sheets for the kid in the top bunk bed without waking up a sleeping kid in the bottom bunk! What a skill!!

Now and Forever -Carole King Now and forever, you are a part of me And the memory cuts like a knife Didn't we find the ecstasy, didn't we share the daylight When you walked into my life Now and forever, I'll remember All the promises still unbroken And think about all the words between us That never needed to be spoken We had a moment, just one moment That will last beyond a dream, beyond a lifetime We are the lucky ones Some people never get to do all we got to do Now and forever, I will always think of you Didn't we come together, didn't we live together Didn't we cry together Didn't we play together, didn't we love together And together we lit up the world I miss the tears, I miss the laughter I miss the day we met and all that followed after Sometimes I wish I could always be with you The way we used to do Now and forever, I will always think of you Now and forever, I will always be with you

Awesome!!

Welcome. I'm so sorry for your pain. I, too, have many questions for the "Why?" and "Why me?" So far, I don't have answers. But I do know my faith has helped. Peace to you and your girls, ~Catnip

Yes. And another, by Edna St. Vincent Millay: "Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night."

Can I tell you how my 3rd son was named? I have 3 sons. The first two I happened to name, cuz, I guess I came up with the names. So when I was pregnant with my 3rd baby, I told my husband he could name it. I didn?t want to know the sex ahead of time, I wanted to be surprised. And I was. When he was delivered I said ?Wow it?s a boy!? I never thought that meant it wasn?t a girl. It didn?t matter. Before he was born, my husband and I both made out a list of boy names and girl names that we both agreed on. Then, my husband could make the final decision. So after the baby was born, I was holding him in the recovery room, I looked down at him and said, ?So this is Scott!? That was my husband?s favorite boy?s name. My husband said no, he didn?t look like a Scott, he wanted to go home and think about it. So after all that planning, he spent the first night in the hospital as Boy Baby ____. The next day my husband came back and said he picked out a name. He wanted to name him Brian Thomas ______. I said I liked it, it was on the list, and that was a great name. A few days later at home, as I was nursing him, I asked my husband why he changed his mind in naming Brian. My husband said, ?I know you didn?t get the little girl you were hoping for and I saw that Brian was your first choice for a boy. I put Thomas with it. It?s was the least I could do for you.? To this day, I will never forget what he said. And Brian? He looks the most like his Dad, acts the most like his Dad, and has been a God-send to me. Baby Bri Bri is now 26 years old.

Haaaaaaaapy Birrrrrrrrthdaaaaaaaayyyyy toooooooooooo yooooooooooooooooou!! Hugs to you on your special day.