Catnip

I'm sure birthdays in heaven must be heavenly!! Can you imagine? Peace to you Rob. ~Catnip

Yes. And it happened to me just yesterday. Someone stopped in our office to happily share pictures of his new, first and only granddaughter. We all exclaimed over the beautiful baby pictures. Then he stated that his wife will be staying with his daughter for just a few days as they settle in. He then "thoughtlessly" said "and it's so lonely with my wife gone. I turn to say something and she's not there!" I froze. But I said nothing to ruin his joy. He does not know I'm a widow. At least she will return home to him soon. Try being alone for 9 years!! (Yes I have 2 sons still at home but they don't talk.)

Don't you hate stuff like this? I'm sorry. I'm not so sure this should be a concern that he needs an answer right now. Will you still even be together next year? This is a date that will never change. It will always be the date of his death, and next year it will be year number 4 for you. And, next year, he will be one year older! Will it be a big birthday for him that ends in a zero? How will he deal with that? Maybe you could be a little secretive and mysterious. Tell him, "I guess you will have to wait and see next year!"

Peace to you Maureen, ~Carol

I still wear both my engagement ring and wedding band on my left hand as always, right where he put them. It’s been 9 years for me. My wedding band is engraved with his initials to me. It's his gift to me. I guess it’s a tribute to our 26 year marriage. I feel safe with them on. At the funeral home, minutes before they closed the casket, the director asked me if I wanted his ring. I had never given it a thought. Before I could even respond, my three sons, ages 17, 20 and 22 all said “NO! You gave it to him and it’s his.” So I said, “Then I want to be buried with mine.” So he was buried with his wedding ring and I continue to wear mine. I don’t see the difference of moving them to my right hand. Some countries have the right hand as the traditional way to wear them. Rather, I have added a widow ring to my two rings. It’s a black band that looks like an anniversary ring. I found it on line at www.expressionsofgrief.com.

So very glad you are ok. Yes, my views of death have indeed changed. No one will make it out of this world alive. My parents passed away in their 80s, I've had a miscarriage, and my husband died suddenly at age 51. No rhyme or reason to any of this (that I've yet figured out). I, too, believe that it is written in the Book when our time is up. We have just so many breaths to take and when it's over, I will be called Home. Yes, I am now prepared, much more so than before my husband died. Not only do I now have a will and more life insurance, I'm ready. I've made my peace. And I can't wait to join my family and finally see Jesus face to face. As the song goes, "I Can Only Imagine" by Mercy Me.

Hi to you, too. I'm so sorry for your loss. Please stay in touch. Peace to you thru the journey ahead, ~Catnip

I miss my husband but boy do I miss his paycheck! MY job was to supplement his, not the other way around! But, I have a job. I make my own coffee at home and bring it to work in a thermos every day. I make my own lunch every day-PBJ, yogurt, apple. No summer vacation. No eating out. I've been buying Christmas gifts when on sale all year round. That way I don't panic and run out of time and purchase things just to buy things. But my credit card takes a hit. I now have a dental crown on there cuz my dental insurance does not cover it all. I also have my new lenses and frames on my card. All just this summer. Good luck to you. All my expenses go up but my salary does not. How fair is that?? I have not gotten a cost of living raise for 3 years now. Sometimes higher ed (I work at a college) is not very high.

I had been working part time when our 3 sons entered school. As they got older, it was my husband who suggested I go full time at a local college to be able to send them to college tuition free. So I got a job, with the agreement that after putting the kids thru college I could then quit work and return to being a full time Mom. I held up my end of the bargain, my husband didn't cuz he died. My 3 sons all graduated with their Bachelor degrees and my husband never lived long enough to see any of them graduate. And here I am still working. But I count my blessings that I have a job. It just stinks that he missed it all. Or rather, I thank my lucky stars that my husband suggested I work at a college to give our kids a college education and me a job. How did he know??

Thank you Mrs Dan for posting this. For me, it's been 9+ years and I'm still here! Still! Will I ever graduate from this board? The answer is no. My husband is still gone, whether it's been 9 years or 9 days, he's never coming back. Yes, I still think of him every morning getting up and every night going to bed alone, and sometimes during the day. But my mind goes numb and will not allow me to relive those early days. It won't let me hurt me again. And for that I'm thankful. So I'm still here on the board. Thanks for still putting up with me. I still find support here! ~Catnip

Blessings to you both! May you have a long, long, long, long, long happy life together! ~Catnip

You are correct. The holiday is not spoiled, but it will never, ever be the same again. My husband died the week before Christmas. I still have a hard time getting my head around the fact that Christmas is the birth of Christ not the death of my husband. It's so hard to see the rest of the world enjoying the Christmas festivities, parties, songs, shopping, cooking, wrapping, and I'm just not into it. And I should be. If Christmas can't make me happy, what else would ever pull me out of my grieving? Not only do I get mad at my husband for dying, I'm mad at him for dying then. In summary: death sucks. Peace to you, ~Catnip

Dear Dave, 1. I'm now 9+ years older. Yup, I'm now turning gray, but my highlights cover it up pretty well. 2. I've remodeled a lot of our house. Yes, my favorite color is still green, so you would see it in the livingroom and now our bedroom. 3. I've completely taken over your closet, so I now have a winter closet and a summer one. 4. I don't sweat the small stuff anymore. 5. I do all my bills on-line. I'm doing the financial stuff ok, but I miss your paycheck for sure. 6. Our 3 boys have all graduated from college, and I put them thru tuition free by working at the college. So sorry you never saw any of them graduate. 7. I cook a big dinner every Sunday and invite your cousin and my brother. Yes, I even use the outside grill all by myself. 8. I traded in my flip phone and by golly I can use a smart phone now. 9. You taught our son Jeffrey well because he now is my go-to computer guy at home! So glad I don't have to do it.

Peace to you in the days ahead. I'm so sorry for your loss. There's no one like a mommy.

Yes, yesterday was Father's Day. Altho my parents have been long gone, and my 3 sons have been without their Dad for 9 years now, I had a BBQ last night. I invited my brother and our cousin who also has lost both her parents. So we cooked out with shish kabobs, a salad and ice cream for dessert. It was a very warm day and we sat outside late into the evening. My brother said grace and then I added "we are gathering to remember our Dads, no longer with us". It was a tribute to the wonderful men who were once in our lives.

Today is my wedding anniversary. June 14, 1980. It should be 36 years, instead, we only made it to 26. But I am proud to be his wife. If I had to do it all over again, knowing how it would end, I would. I keep thinking back to that day of joy. I did one of the readings in the church. That's why I did a reading at his funeral; the beginning and the end of our lives together. I'm at work today. We should be going out to dinner to celebrate tonight. Instead, I'll go home to leftovers. Now, I'm proud to be his widow.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I know all to well about pulmonary embolisms. Peace to you during this difficult time, ~Catnip

Blessings and best wishes to you both. May you have a long, long, long, long wonderful life together! ~Catnip

I still wear both my engagement ring and wedding band on my left hand as always, right where he put them. It’s been 9 years for me. My wedding band is engraved with his initials to me. It's his gift to me. I guess it’s a tribute to our 26 year marriage. I feel safe with them on. At the funeral home, minutes before they closed the casket, the director asked me if I wanted his ring. I had never given it a thought. Before I could even respond, my three sons, ages 17, 20 and 22 all said “NO! You gave it to him and it’s his.” So I said, “Then I want to be buried with mine.” So it went with him. I don’t see the difference of moving them to my right hand. Some countries have the right hand as the traditional way to wear them. Rather, I have added a widow ring to my two rings. It’s a black band that looks like an anniversary ring. I found it on line at www.expressionsofgrief.com. I did date another widower for about one month. I would take my rings off then, but would hurry home and put them right back on. I have tried taking them off to go shopping, and I have another pretty ring I wear then. But I always put my wedding ring right back on the minute I get home. Guess I still feel married in my heart. And that's probably why I'm the one that ended my dating. He was getting too close and too smothering for me. Guess I just wasn't that into him.

Wonderful news! And thank him for me, please. A big thank you for being our go-to guy in keeping our country safe.

Hi Hikermom! Good to hear from you! Wonderful post. I guess this shows that tragedy can somehow make us stronger. Altho it was not my choice, I guess that goes for me, too. Of course maybe it's an age thing too, being that it's 9+ years now for me. Is this called wisdom in getting older? I can now choose what I deem necessary to react to and most of it I say "Pfft" and move on. Life is so full that now I appreciate the good when it comes along. I believe my faith has gotten much stronger in that I no longer feel entirely abandoned anymore. God is with me. Peace to you and your daughter, ~Catnip

This is not what was said to me, but what was done. A few months after my husband passed away, I received an invitation to my cousin's house party where she was selling something or other. The invitation came to my correct address, but it came to my maiden name. My maiden name? I got married when I was 25 years old. I was married 26 years. My 3 sons have this name. Ya think after going thru all the legal stuff after his death, with the house in my name and getting all 5 cars to my name that I was going to change it back after 26 years? These cousins all attended my wedding and the funeral. I was stunned. I declined the invitation. I am not changing my name. ~Catnip

Me, once again. I'm sorry Mizpah, if I upset you. That was not my intention. I never said, nor did you, that your daughter was not wanted. You said she was "unexpected" and really, you have done so much because of her. You left your job and city to move to your guy, so you both could raise her. I commend you for that. And, again, you are doing all you can to make it work out. I'm very sorry that it is not going as well as you had hoped. Again, I thought I heard you say that if it did not work out, you were planning on leaving. That's when I assumed. And that's not right on my part. I assumed that you were thinking of moving back to your former city, and that your guy would become a weekend Dad for your daughter. I'm sorry I assumed so much. I do believe, as you do, that marriage can be a declaration of stating a forever love. I'm sorry that that is what you want, and are not getting. I hate to see families break up. I hope you can work it out. I admire you for all you have already done. ~Catnip

Me again. I'm Catholic, older, and I was involved in that discussion on the old board about marriage vs not being married. My view is still the same, I believe in the institution of marriage. But in this case, I'm more concerned about the child. It was not her fault that she was not planned. May she never find that out. But having two parents is very important. No, it's not necessary. A daughter can be raised without a father, but it's nice to have one, as those of us know what it's like to raise children without our spouse. But if you have an involved father, I hope you do what is best for the child. She should be your priority. If he is willing to stay and raise her, together with you, that may be best, even if it's without "that piece of paper." (Did I really just say that??) He had his chance to ask you to marry him before the child was born, so he could give her his last name, but he didn't. I don't think he will change his mind now, over a year later. But if he is willing to be there for his daughter, that's wonderful. Many of us are still raising children without two parents, and it's not all that fun. Peace to you, ~Catnip

Just a thought: Whose idea was it to get married? My Dad was very stubborn. If something was not HIS idea, he would NOT do it. Maybe he wanted to surprise you with a ring, but you ruined it and brought it up first?? Good luck, ~Catnip