Virgo

I'm feeling really lonely and weepy, but I'm making myself go out for a bit.

I'm sorry you're going through this. 11 is so young to have to deal with a life changing diagnosis. I'm sure it was hard being in the same hospital too. Hugs to you!

My thinking is that it doesn't effect their daily life, so they don't seem as empathetic as we might want them to be. Why would they be? I know others miss my husband, but they grieve him differently. They didn't go to bed with him and wake up next to him, or even see him daily. He was my world, but just a very small part of their world.

Congratulations! I'm happy for you.

Comic Con is so fun though! The concert was amazing! I got to meet DIAMANTE. I was totally "fan girling." I got her autograph and a picture with her too. Bad Wolves and From Ashes to New player too. All great live! I'm glad I went. I almost talked myself out of going since I went by myself. Surprisingly I didn't feel alone.

I live in northern Indiana. Not to far from Chicago. I actually have plans this Saturday. I'm going to a concert in Ft Wayne. Bad Wolves, DIAMANTI, and Ashes to New. My sister inlaw lives in Ft Wayne so I'm going to meet up with her after the concert.

I don't know how far out you are, but I've come to realize that I chose emotionally unavailable men when I first started dating. It was safe, a way to keep my walls up, not get hurt. I wasn't ready for anything emotional. I'm wondering if I'm still doing this. I feel like I'm ready for more, want more, but the last guy I dated told me he loved me and I didn't say it back. Maybe it was him, but maybe it is partly me. Funny, I jokingly told my 19yo daughter that I guess dating and relationships aren't my thing. She said, "right, yet you had a 22 year relationship."

I can relate to this. Just know that eventually that attraction turns into repulsion. I would also look at this a little differently. Stop beating yourself up. You know he's not what you're looking for, but he was what you needed in that moment. You needed the physical connection and you know he satisfies you. He's familiar, comfortable. Nothing wrong with that. I'm not saying build a relationship with him. I'm just saying don't be hard on yourself for being tempted. Blocking him shows that you're already less tempted. Good for you!

Most of my decisions regarding the funeral arrangements were made to appease the living family members. In your case that would also be the determining factor for me. I would discuss it with my kids first. To me it's more about their wishes. If they want their parents to be together so be it. They'll be the ones visiting the grave. However, I would consider being cremated and splitting the ashes between two gravesites if that was the wishes of my possible future husband.

I'm sure they will. Teenagers!

Very true Julester! It will never be like it was. We have to keep moving forward.

Trying, that is a good point. Teenagers are very self centered. Very true! I guess I just need to keep reminding myself that they will adjust. First Widow, I have been home since my oldest was born.

I should have mentioned my daughters ages. They are older 19, 16, and 10. This is why I felt so defeated. I really thought my older two would step up a little more, and be more understanding. I guess the problem is they are to used to me being home and scheduling around them. I'm always available. I took an accelerated phlebotomy certification class. It was 3 weeks instead of 12 weeks. I maintained a B in the class, but I never felt comfortable or confident with the venipunctures. Just not for me. The homework like I said was a challenge. I was sleep deprived, but proud of my grade. I think working part time at first is a good idea. It will help all of us gradually adjust. I get death benefits too, so financially I wouldn't have to work full time. We're just losing my LHs health benefits in February. Part time would cover that. I think in a way we all see my going back to work as the last big step away from the life we had with their dad. I've talked to my girls about that before I started the class. They all said they were ok with it, they were ready. Yeah, until that third week. Lol Then their tone changed. "We don't want you to fail, but we want you home." Thanks for sharing ladies. I appreciate the feedback!

I've been a stay at home mom a long time. I'm wanting to find a job/career at least part time to help cover health benefits costs when we lose our benefits in February. I thought my daughters were ready for this step. I started an accelerated certification program a few weeks ago. It ended Thursday. It was brutal trying to juggle homework, studying, housework, and my daughters every evening. My daughters were all relieved that I was done. I feel relieved, but defeated too. I don't regret going through the class, beneficial for all of us, but it left me wondering if my girls will ever be ready. I know this is something I will just have to do and help them adjust to. I was just curious if any of you were stay at home parents before losing your spouse, and how you helped your kids adjust to you going back to work?

I don't think it's choosing to be alone. It's choosing not to settle for less than we deserve. I don't want to be alone, but I haven't found what I'm looking for.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

No more than two cats made me laugh. That would eliminate me. I have three daughters always begging me to take in more stray kittens and I'm weak.

It's definitely normal to feel that way. I was honestly just hoping I wouldn't cry during my first time. I cried on my drive home. I wanted the physical connection, but that's it. I wasn't ready for anything more. Hopefully after a few more times you'll start to enjoy yourself more.

Have you talked to your guy about how you feel? Ask him why he felt it necessary to turn the picture over. I think whoever we end up with will have to be understanding. Especially if children are involved. The new guy can't expect the children to never mention their dad, or for you to never mention him either.

I agree! I mostly read in the first few months. Then I started responding and starting topics. Sharing here helps me sort through thoughts I know most of my loved ones won't understand. Not like the members here do. ❤

I'm on my own tonight. My 19yo and 16yo are working, and my 10yo is staying with her grandparents. I'm catching up on laundry and cleaning. I might go out later tonight, but more than likely I'll stay home and work on my homework. I really should go out though. We'll see.

I'm sorry you're having anxiety attacks. Hopefully that lessens for you. My Jeep is a 2007, 126,000 miles. It's to that point where you have to decide if the repair is worth the cost. A new transmission wouldn't be. I'll have to see what I can do with the water heater. Maybe troubleshoot online between studying and laundry. Ha!

You know, those weeks where everything happens all at once. Making you feel overwhelmed, alone, and missing your partner in crime. I started an accelerated college course this week. It's the equivalent to a 12 week course at the college, so 12 weeks of information in 12 days. I have homework every evening and exams every morning. That on top of the daily life with my three daughters. Of course more has been added on to spice things up. My water heater started leaking earlier this week. Since I didn't have class today I went out and bought a new one. Delivery date yet to be determined. On my way home my check engine light came on in my Jeep. So, I stopped by a shop to have them run a diagnostic. The results were all transmission codes. I have an appointment for that Monday morning. I have school though, so I have to ask someone else to take it in for me. I'll be driving my daughter's car to school. I'm hoping that my transmission does not need replaced. I really don't want to shop for a new vehicle right now. Thanks for letting me vent. Just a little overwhelmed. Bad timing! Still smiling though.

I'm sorry they never chose to include you. I'm sure that was hard on you and your kids. I am grateful that they include us, but I just wish it was away from the cameras. We're all going to try to make it except for my oldest. She is refusing to go.

That is all so true. It just seems so impersonal.