trying2breathe

What you can't handle about him now - what will this be like in a year? In five years? It's a red flag when he dismisses your concerns. Agree with arneal, have those conversations and suss it out - better to find out now.

Another hug to you - parenting solo is difficult even under the best of circumstances. You're a devoted Dad, evidenced by your concerns and the conversations here. Agree with abitlost, as hard as it is to step back and allow consequences to play out, oftentimes it's the best possible option in raising teenagers. It is so hard to watch your child stumble and fall, we're hard wired as parents to cast that wide net and try to catch our child at every turn.

Needy It sounds like NG wants to help you out but doesn't know what's needed. I like arneal's suggestion of a joint project - let him know what the plumbing problems are and ask him to teach you win/win, you get time together and learn something new, he gets to help you out. I'm sad to hear that you felt neglected in your marriage. My DH was generous in gifts but less giving with his emotions, and I'm finding that emotional intimacy is what makes me happy right now. My birthday is tomorrow, and I let NG know that I really don't want anything other than to spend time together. I suspect that he'll do something more but I will be happy with dinner out and time with him. It's so hard to communicate feelings, isn't it? I think intimacy and closeness is built over a period of time, for me it takes awhile to talk about the deeper stuff.

^^ Agree with this wholeheartedly, next chapter. I've always been a list maker, and looking back at my grief journal from four years ago as I was trying to get some semblance of a life back together, found 3 things I planned to dedicate myself to. I'm amazed that I now am doing 2 of those 3 things and am trying to get the 3rd one going. Volunteering to a cause greater than myself has been the biggest thing that has moved me along in the grief process. It's been a long journey to get to a place of acceptance in DH's death, finding fulfillment in what I do was a big step in moving forward. It's taken the death of my spouse to bring clarity and life into more focus, I'll always miss DH but can now say that I'm happier with myself than before.

So true, this would not have had meaning to me until DH died. Thank you for sharing -

abl ((Big hugs)) and hope for some peaceful days ahead for you.

Oh yes, have a life outside of the desire for that special someone - I've tried hard at this the past few years, mainly because for a long time there was no special someone. Now that I have somebody, I try hard to keep volunteer activities, hobbies and friends going that doesn't include him. Should we part, well - my stuff continues. Makes life interesting too, there's usually plenty to talk about. Every year LH gifted to extended family a calendar for the coming year of our family photographs, mostly of me and the kids. Every Xmas MIL brings up the calendar and how she misses it. I sadly don't have it in me to keep it going, it just wouldn't be the same. NG likes taking pics and I usually resist, maybe I should rethink this. He's a newbie to social media and likes to post pics, so far I've been private with our relationship and don't want to put it out there. He's ready to post "In a Relationship" and I'm not there yet. If the pics are kept to ourselves I'm okay with that.

Halloween goodies, yum! Spent Halloween evening out at dinner, my neighborhood sadly has no trick or treaters and I realize that I miss being at the door giving out candy. Might plant myself at my brother's house next year, where they host a cul-de-sac party, get dressed up and make a big event of it. arneal Re. cousin's relationship - this makes you realize what you want and things aren't moving quickly enough for you. Is NG the right one for you? All in good time, I guess - it's taken a long time for my relationship to get to a comfortable place, and yet still to me we're not quite there yet. Would it feel comfortable getting a photo of you with NG? If it's important to you, go for it!

I have also spread ashes in some of the places that DH loved. Opening the urn the first time was difficult, after that it was okay. I have taken a few flights with DH's ashes, on the way to spread his ashes in another location. I usually giggle going through security as I can't imagine explaining to TSA exactly what it is that I'm carrying - DH would have loved this. Beautiful picture, thank you for sharing.

Thanks, arneal - knowing I would feel a bit left out, I got a manicure while he was massaged My birthday is next week, he's asking what I want to do - hmmm.

So birthday weekend away went very well, the gift of a massage was a hit and he did ask if I'd join him but I resisted and I think that he appreciated that. He mentioned several times how much he loved celebrating his birthday this way, I'm glad that we were able to get away together.

tybec I wish a peaceful transition for your mom. And I hope that the relationship is sorted soon, a very emotional time for everybody. Hugs ~

I hope that you can get some additional support while going through this. It's a shame that your siblings don't help more, I'd be really aggravated too. Can you spell out what's needed? If they can't provide hands-on support, asking for help with outsourced meals and cleaning isn't unreasonable. There's only so much that you can and should do - should you be down with a cold/flu or whatever, what happens then?

CHM I'm sorry that you're dealing with this - I relate to your post as I feel much like you do, in a new relationship and it's great but I'm not willing to make a full commitment as I fear what could happen. Therapy has helped me in figuring out how to move forward in a relationship but I know that if NG wasn't so very patient with me it wouldn't work out between us. No words of wisdom here other than to say that communication is important, and to think about sharing how and why you feel the way you do with him. It sounds as if the love for him is there, it's just hard to fully express it and that's certainly understandable.

Thank you, arneal! We leave this afternoon, I'm looking forward to a good getaway for us. I ended up booking him a massage at the spa where we're staying, he's worked really hard lately and I think that he'll enjoy it. As I was booking it, it was suggested that I make it a couples massage maybe another time, this one will be all about him. Hope that everybody has a good weekend! edited to add that it was hard to find an appropriate birthday card for him! Not too mushy but yet still romantic - there's not a lot out there!

It's this coming weekend, we leave on Thursday for a couple nights away. No set plans yet, I'll let you know

momtojandj Don't write him off too soon, the timing of texts has always been a source of stress for me. It's the very start of communicating and there's no protocol. I'd give him a chance and see where it goes.

Thanks for the ideas, all of them good ones. I'll let you all know what I do - his birthday celebration is next weekend

I"m stressing about NG's upcoming birthday. We've made weekend plans to be away and have reservations at a nice restaurant. We're not into significant gift giving, we've both talked about how we don't really have a need for more stuff. Yet a simple birthday card doesn't seem like enough. I'm looking for ideas - what have you all done for birthdays with your new relationships?

Ugh, she's a loose cannon for sure and I can't imagine the stress that this creates. Undoubtedly others see that she's loony and this behavior will come around to get her eventually. I agree with arneal in your DH talking with teachers and/or counselors at school, as a parent he should have full rights to communicate the needs of his son and talk about any issues that are going on. Seems that the crazy ex needs to be taken out of the loop right now, and dealing with issues while he's at school may be the way to go. Good luck, hope the craziness fades soon for all of you.

This would grate on me too. NG took a call last weekend from his brother while we were out on a romantic date night. No crisis or anything, they talked for almost 10 minutes while I sat at a candlelit dining table across from him very pissed off. After he hung up, I called him on it and calmly said that I wouldn't stay if he did it again. I make it a habit to put my phone away and consider it common courtesy for him to do this too. I get it when there are young ones at home or a situation that warrants keeping the phone at hand, I've done this and explain the situation on why my phone is out. It's hard to communicate standards and establish boundaries - I'm doing this more as the relationship continues. Part of getting to know each other I guess.

I find that there can be a lot lost in texting vs. RL communication. I sometimes misinterpret his texts or the timing of them, creating something in my head when something else was intended entirely. It seemed easier back in the day when all we had was telephone or face to face contact. Or letter writing! I have a collection of written notes from LH, do those even exist anymore? lol

It is so strange, almost feels like cheating on my LH. I'm at 8 months with NG and it's better, although there are still surreal moments where I can't believe that this is my life now.

Geez, rough day indeed. The "friend" is certainly no friend, she's so unstable and taking it out on you. As for the legal matters, ugh - just ugh. Big big hug to you ~

Good question - I'm trying to address things as they come up, if it's something that bothers me I speak up about it. There have been some awkward moments but so far things have been sorted and we move on. Everybody has different expectations and standards, it's a give and take on both sides. I don't think that letting NG know how you feel and what you'd like is putting out an expectation that things go your way all of the time, just that you have standards and are seeing if you can co-exist happily together. I don't know that I would let NG know "precisely" what you expect - give it a little wiggle room and maybe you can come to a happy compromise?