trying2breathe

^ this, exactly. As wids we know too well that life offers no guarantees - one day at a time is my mantra these days.

arneal's post about re-coupling later in life reminds me of the book Our Souls at Night - has anybody read this? It's now a movie on Netflix and stars Robert Redford and Jane Fonda. momtojandj The guy sounds like a flake, good that you found out sooner rather than later. There are good guys out there, really!

Leadfeather I hear you too, I had a lot of evenings spent with my parents watching Wheel of Fortune (yawn) and sharing TV dinners. It's taken time and a lot of effort to get going with my own routine. Sounds like a good thing that you put the ball in her court and asked her to make the next move, I wouldn't be surprised if she contacts you soon. I fess up that I get Match and eHarmony emails, I'd be embarrassed if NG found them as I've never engaged in on-line dating or conversed with anybody on any of the sites. Guess it's time to delete those .....

love2fish Oh gosh, the shop window in Amsterdam image It's about attitude, in my humble opinion. The more relaxed I am the better experience I seem to have.

It can be somewhat expensive - the service kind of figures out what you can afford and goes from there. There's no harm in checking it out if you find something where you are. If's it not for you, just walk away.

Ok, this is making me laugh too - if we decide to really be together, Saturday mornings we'll be doing our thing and just get on with it. Wow, this is such an awkward stage - amazing how new relationships at this point are so very different. I'm grateful to be able to share :

jgib Sorry to hear that you're having a rough go of it. I joined a dating service and the members there are vetted, so those that I met were available, ready to date and seemed to be relatively sane. I didn't really have any expectations when going on dates, other than an expectation that I'd be safe and hoped to have a pleasant time with somebody new and I usually wasn't disappointed. Good luck!

arneal Sounds like your Sunday went well, and that NG was caring and understanding. Parenting isn't easy even under the best of circumstances, things seem to have gone pretty well all things considered. You prepared for a long time for this meeting, undoubtedly there were high expectations and some stress that went into it. One of the things that I admire most about my NG is that he is a devoted parent to his daughters, and lately I've bent his ear on several issues with my kids. He's been a wonderful sounding board and it's been good to share things with him not all of it positive. Warts and all - our new mantra - with relationships come real life issues and lately I've been putting more of it out there to him and so far so good.

klim I feel much like you do right now, as my youngest left for college and I'm now an empty nester. Last Friday evening for the first time, NG came for dinner and stayed overnight. It wasn't a big deal that he spent the night but it was awkward for me on Saturday morning as we had coffee and he stayed around for awhile reading the newspaper and I'm thinking - be on your way so that I can get on with my day! I'm lucky that NG is laid-back and not easily offended, I'm trying to figure out how to set boundaries and work together and so far it's not been easy. I guess it's part of being in a new relationship, there will be awkward times and it's something to work through. Good luck!

Beautiful words in tribute to a beautiful man, thank you for letting us know Maureen. So very sad

About money - NG and I split most everything 50/50, occasionally he'll pay for something like theater tix and then I'll do the same kind of thing another time. I don't share anything financially with him but believe that I have a little more wiggle room with money than he does, so there are times that I don't expect to have him contribute. He's never asked for a loan, for me this would bring about a conversation about living within a budget and what you can afford to do together. Months ago I told NG that I didn't expect us to align with each other on all things, financial stuff is hard though and I believe something that needs straight communication. Awkward to talk about, but like jgib mentions I can see where resentment can easily set in and I hope this doesn't happen for you. NG and I are talking about going away for Thanksgiving, I'm interested to see what his expectations will be as far as splitting the costs. Eight months into this relationship, and I feel like now it's getting into some real life stuff. arneal My son is a high functioning Aspie, he also has very little filter and there have been times when I wanted to dig a hole and jump in after some of the things that he has said! If you've let NG know what to expect, I wouldn't sweat it. I haven't seen the TV show you mention but plan to check it out - living with somebody on the autism spectrum is a challenge and for those that don't understand it, it's frustrating to try to explain. I'm one to usually stay private, but that would be a time when I would open up and willingly share my experiences too.

Yay!!! So very happy, best wishes to you both!

Hi All Hope that everyone is doing well. I'm back from a few weeks of vacation, it was a hectic departure as I evacuated with my elderly mother a few days before Irma, all is okay in our area and I'm very grateful. While away, I got the chance to witness NG in action as he stayed at my house and took care of all hurricane preparations. After the storm, he secured 2 fallen trees and cleaned up the aftermath. Swoon - if there was any question if he's a stand up guy, this affirmed that he is and it's pretty awesome. ^arneal I love this, I have felt the same recently. We can and are doing this life on our own, lately I've felt stronger than I have in awhile and I'm so grateful to be blessed with good health and a strong disposition to carry on. Who knows what's coming, but for now I'm happy to be in a good place.

Hope for the best and prepare for whatever might happen ...... sending good wishes and big hugs, best to you on your wedding day.

I can relate, NG occasionally doesn't check in and it drives me nuts. My DH died suddenly of a heart attack while riding his bicycle, NG cycles and it's a constant worry thinking about what could happen to him. There are times when irrational fear takes over and I'm a sobbing mess. I've talked with him and he's a bit better about staying in touch, the fear is always there for me though. I'm considering EMDR, it's been difficult to deepen the relationship with NG due to a crippling fear that I'll lose him too.

Absolutely!! However, what one person defines as an idiosyncrasy might be somebody else's nonsense. In the non-romantic arena, I have little patience for foolishness and won't waste time on something I consider to be less than worthwhile. In my relationship with NG, there are issues and it's work to define what's nonsense vs. something that I can work with. I wish it were more defined though, the more I get into this the more complicated it gets! :

Thank you doe and mwd, I enjoyed reading your posts - good to hear of established relationships going well. ^Yes, they are! Wish I didn't, but I tend to make things more difficult than they need to be. : Widowhood has made me more resilient, I'm not sure that I deal with relationship issues any better now though. Happy Labor Day Weekend, All ~

tybec So sorry to hear of your Mom's decline. Although I'm nowhere near the level commitment in my relationship that you have w/your NG, I too wonder about the blending of families and what level of support to expect. I'm coming to terms with the fact that realistically I won't again have the level of support that I had with my late husband. I do hope with time to learn to grow with, love and have the support of a new extended family. Follow through for me would be important, it's not enough to just listen. You're both dealing with some stressful things right now, hope that you can find some peaceful days ahead and time to sort out the relationship.

As one that's attended a bago, just one - I found a welcoming compassionate group of wids that I could, at last, relate to. There was no pressure of any kind for anything, just a place to be yourself, share if you'd like and feel accepted. I left bago weekend with a sense of belonging to a community of people that full well know this shitty journey, that had been there and done that and some were much further along than me. It was a time of immense healing and acceptance and made a big difference in my grief process. Christopher I don't know much of your story, but I will say that this community supports and provides relief to many. There are a lot of different people and personalities on this site and I do hope that you can find a place here.

arneal It's great that communication is good and things are moving forward for you! "Let what happens, happen", it does seem like actions are on the right track and that's wonderful! Agree about the dogs - I have a frisky 70 lb. rescue puppy, she's a handful - when NG wants to hang out and include the dog too, my heart sings. Interesting points about romance at first, and then not so much. I keep up my appearance, I'm too vain not to! In thinking about what's changed - I'm available to him most of the time now. We see each other most days, there is the occasional time when I back off to take care of other responsibilities. He has me and knows it, and maybe believes that he doesn't need to make romantic gestures any more. What I did at first to attract him? I was hesitant to get into a relationship with him, he stuck with me despite my taking a long time to even kiss him. I don't want to play games now, don't want to back off to make him try more - not sure how to change anything about this. Maybe a good conversation is in order here. I too am trying to be more open about what this relationship is, and whether it's something to try for long term.

Interesting point about budding relationships, I would put mine into that category still. And I now see NG almost every day, not sure what this adds up to but I would guess 3 months at least! Last night we met up with several other couples, and one of the wives asked if we were boyfriend/girlfriend. With NG listening, I responded that we had been seeing each other for a few months. I still have no desire to have that label put on us, taking my sweet time, having fun and he knows where I stand. Even though he wants that label, I'm not ready and no harm done in my opinion. I think it's really important to be able to act yourself, and as you say arneal, not cut yourself off from how you truly feel to stay with somebody else. I've made it a point to present my true self to NG, and am speaking up more with what I believe. And he does draw closer, what attracted me to him in the first place. I'm realizing that it's the trivial stuff and some of the outlying social things that are giving me hesitation. NG was romantic at first, he's not making attempts at romance now. I read recently something about the Five Love Languages - to me kind of a trite guideline but a way to figure out what is needed to make you happiest in a relationship. I read through all of them and honestly can't figure out what matters most to me. Guess this kind of quiz doesn't really work for me. ^ Yes!!

Leadfeather I'm a bit further out on this widowhood journey (4 years), I just dropped off my youngest at college last week and am now an empty nester. The transition for me has been longer, but it's been difficult to go from our family of four to just me. My husband would have been so very proud to see what his kids are doing, it's been bittersweet to experience these milestones with my children and not have him here. I can relate to what you're going through. Very best wishes to you on this process ~

Big big hugs - I can relate as my kids have both graduated high school and are now college students, all of this without their Dad. He would have loved to be there for all of this, there's been a huge gap in celebrating these milestones and I've tried hard to include extended family in on everything. It's taken a little bit of the sting away to have a group of us at graduations, etc. but oh so painful to realize that he's not here to celebrate with us. At particular moments I would pause and ask what should be done, and every so often I'd get a voice in my head and imagine that it was him talking to me and making suggestions. Foolish maybe, but it made me feel better thinking that in some small way he was a part of it. Best wishes to you for the school year -

klim Sounds like your NG wants to live together? He's acting in an immature way, that would be difficult. Sorry that you're dealing with this. No easy answer - maybe it's something that with time, can be worked through? Like you, I really enjoy time with NG, but switch from yes it's good to it's time to move on. tybec Having conversations about what is acceptable, a good idea. Looking back at pre-marriage dating and my marriage, I had many of the same struggles that I feel now, but now is much more complicated with kids, grief, divorce, in-laws, etc. I'm realizing that my wants and desires are not so easy to figure out. ^^ Yes!! arneal Yup, my guy is the concrete, meat & taters type. He's methodical, thinks everything through, has an answer to most everything and if he doesn't, works hard to find out. Widowhood has pushed me into being more of an intuitive, spontaneous, feel the moment, oh well - let it go, kind of a person. Last night he was griping about the fact that the grill in his complex doesn't heat to over 400 degrees. He went on and on about it - I started to laugh because, really, what's the big deal??!! (Apparently it is a BIG deal if you're trying to grill steaks.) : Today he's taking the grill apart to try and repair it. I appreciate the practicality of my guy, I'm seeing some humor in this but it is hard at times to feel the magic. We've been out at dinner, and he has pointed out the intricate links in my bracelet, and talked at length about the details of my car and what I should do to maintain it. Ahhhh.....feel the magic! If I get him to repair my grill, maybe I would feel some magic? ;D Having somebody around to fix things is certainly acceptable, what I'm not sure about is whether I can forego romantic notions which for me still need some definition. jgib I like the suggestion about reading from another perspective, will give this a break and go back and read again

Yup, this ^ I'm afraid to break things off with my guy because I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable in what I want or what a romantic relationship should look like at this point in my life. He's divorced x2 and as a widow, naturally there's lots of life experience between us and for me the magic just isn't there. There's a sense of cynicism in our relationship, a "been there-done that" attitude that I feel from him. Is it possible to have some romantic magic at this stage in life? And is it reasonable to want some magic? I agree with arneal that a connection on all levels would be difficult, but certainly it's reasonable to expect a deep connection of some kind. I like the mirroring idea, arneal, and will try this. Glad that things are moving along for you, and that there's more communication Happy Weekend All ~