Trying

Love it!!

I am so moved by your story, by your strength by your courage. What you have done for your self and your son is amazing and inspiring. I hope you continue to find happiness and trust in yourself.

Having a big "if Tim was here..." day. If Tim was here he could give my son the male perspective and kick in the ass he needs. If Tim was here he would handle the contractor and make my renovation ideas happen. If Tim was here I wouldn't have to drive my son home from practice at 9 pm on a Friday. If Tim was here he would understand the financial aid forms for college. If Tim was here he would hold me while I cry. But he's not, so I will continue to put my big girl panties on and do it all. This sucks.

I guess a weak, overdo apology is better than nothing. Time to lick your wounds and remind yourself that you deserve so much better. Now the big question, wine, ice cream or a new pair of totally hot shoes?

I am very guilty of the "what ifs" so I understand how hard it can be to turn them off in your head. But there are 2 sides to every possibility. The one thing that seems certain to me is that if you don't move to be with her, the relationship will end eventually. is that something you can live with? You felt it was ok to move your daughter to NC but now you worry about uprooting her for what sounds like a positive relationship in her life as well as yours. I won't pretend to know what's best for you and your daughter but unless there is some big red flag you have left out, I am rooting for you to take a chance on love and happiness! Scary? Hell yes! But most of the greatest decisions in life are.

First of all, nothing is easy in this life after loss so I feel your pain and frustration. I'm curious about what is holding you back. You were willing to leave your home in NY and move somewhere new so it's not that you were having difficulty leaving "home". It sounds like she and your daughter have a good relationship. Work doesn't seem to be an issue. So there must be something holding you back. I have no idea what that something is but I think it's important you try to figure that out. I would hate to think of you losing a chance at happiness with your sole mate without a good reason. I hope you are able to get some clarity so that whatever you decide you are at peace with it. Therapy has been helpful to me in figuring out why I resist certain things in my widowed life, I am a work in progress in many areas!

I left our house but stayed in the same town for my kids sake. I would love to move somewhere completely new but now I have fallen in love with someone who has young kids here so I don't think I will be moving anywhere until I'm ready to retire (a long way away!). I would say if you want to move it will be easier now than once your kiddo is older and more attached to friends and activities in town. The new house has helped me and slowly the reminders around town are easing. My DH was very active in town, especially in youth sports and his business which at times makes it hard to move forward.

It's a type of TIRED that only certain people can understand, many of us here unforfortunately get it. Continuing on, moving forward, making a life for myself is exhausting.

I'm so sorry for your cousin and her family. I'm sure you will be a safe place for her to express her grief in the days, weeks and months to come.

I think a big question for me would be what was your relationship with your sister like before Dan died? Was this completely a surprise that she would be so insensitive or was she always a judgemental person in your life who you didn't see eye to eye on? I think the answers to that would make a difference on whether or not you want to see this as her extending an olive branch that you want to accept or throw back at her. I was estranged from my father for my entire adult life, when he extended the olive branch I saw it for what it was, he was not a good person, and I didn't accept it. I'm sorry this has stirred up some old hurt at a time when you have found some joy.

For me, the anger is harder to deal with than the sadness because I usually end up feeling guilty for being angry at someone who is dead. The anger comes less often these days thankfully but recently I have been very angry that DH is not here to help our son get through some difficult times. DH dropped out of college and was able to turn his life around, he should be here guiding our son, he would understand way better than I do what he is going through and how to turn it around.

Continued prayers

Moving far away would not have been good for my kids, especially my youngest who is only in 6th grade, otherwise I might have been tempted to pick up and go. Instead I moved across town, 20 minutes away to the most remote part of town with a lake across the street. My youngest didn't have to change schools, still plays sports with all of his friends but it feels like a big move in a lot of ways. DH and I built the house we lived in, picked out the design and every last inch of the house together. The house was too big and costly for me to manage and there was a lot of pressure on my older boys to try to keep things up to Dad's standards. All 3 boys were on board with the move, we have a boat we used to keep on another lake and the marina was a big expense and inconvenient. Now we can have the boat across the street for nothing and it's way more convenient. Now I feel like we aren't being haunted by the absence of DH in our old house or on our old lake and we can make fresh memories. It doesn't change the absence in our lives or in our hearts but some how the change of physical space did help us. I'm sure that's not the case for everyone and I'm not sure how I instinctively knew it would be right for us but I've never made such a major decision so quickly in my life. Everyone seemed shocked except for my kids. I also think that CHOOSING to move is empowering. Some people, unfortunately are forced to move for financial or other reasons and that is a completely different situation that must be incredibly difficult.

I am very sorry to hear about your children and their struggles and the strain this is putting on your marriage. My 19 year old is struggling and I'm sure I'm partially to blame. I'm gradually putting increased expectations on him and putting an end to the gravy train but it's a process. I understand it's very hard to see them suffer. It's unfortunate that your husband won't consider counseling but that doesn't mean you shouldn't seek help for yourself. Like you said, you may be too close to the situation and having some outside perspective on the kids and on your marriage may be helpful. Family counseling or individual counseling could also be a condition you insist on for your continued support of your kids. None of us know the whole story about your kids or the red flags you think you ignored in your marriage but this is a life changing decision for all of you and my wish for you is clarity and direction.

I would say a financial advisor should be able to help you. That is what my DH did for a living and his sister was his partner, she has been such a huge help to me. There was still plenty of things I had to handle because a lot of things they needed to speak to me directly and the paperwork etc but she took care of what she could and told me what I needed to do about the rest. DH knew that I am way more conservative when it comes to money than he was so he spoke to her when he knew he was terminal to make sure she steered me in more conservative directions than she might normally. I have to admit though that I still had his name on a lot of things, like cable and phone, when I moved last summer and it caused some headaches during an already stressful time. I tend to put things off way longer than I should so I understand dragging your feet on things outside your comfort zone.

I agree that it's not the distance as much as it is the conflicting schedules. NG and I are only 20 minutes apart and initially we had a hard time getting together because of our schedules and our kids schedules. Now that we have the kids involved it's easier to find a little more time to see each other but "alone time" is once a week for a few hours at best. After almost 2 years we can still talk for over an hour on the phone at night and we text a few times during the day. Very different than the single and childless dating days!

My FIL was very sweet and very supportive and even sent a follow up text telling me he is very relieved to hear I'm dating and wants me to be happy. My SIL has been very supportive and wants to get to know NG better. My MIL was horrible, she cried, told me she isn't ready, that I don't understand how difficult this is for her, and made it very difficult for my FIL. She met NG once, for about 30 seconds at my son's basketball game, it was awful, he said that never in his life has anyone looked at him with such disappointment. Lovely. I waited a really long time to tell them because I knew she would be that way, my SIL knew for a long time and worried how MIL would react. NG and I are very serious and I worry about her not accepting him because they are a big part of my life. Everyone in the family is intimidated by her, DH was the only one who ever stood up to her, they butted heads but she would listen to him.

That mommy guilt is tough to get over! Of course you deserve a night out and you are not harming her in any way but I remember being in the middle of those situations with my middle son and it can feel awful! He would cry for 2 hours when I dropped him at daycare and I couldn't leave him with his own Dad from age 2-3 without hysterics. That was mom guilt plus poor DH was heartbroken. Im sure she will get used to the routine and will probably start to look forward to her special nights with the sitter. Maybe there can be something special that she only gets to do with the sitter like finger painting or a special book or movie so she has something positive to associate with sitter night. Hang in there, this phase will pass.

I wish there was some magic that happened at one year to make it all a little easier but it is just the marking of time. For me, the anticipation of the anniversary was the worst part. (((Hugs)))

I'm sorry I missed this the other day when you posted. What a difficult time for you and your family, my thoughts and prayers are with her and all of you.

I don't have anything more to add to the great advice you've already received but I wanted to send you support. My childrens' grief has been the most difficult part of all of this. It does get easier over time but these early months are heartbreaking. Continue to be her safe place to let out her emotions and maintain consistent expectations.

Rob, I have not been able to convince my kids that they are always in less trouble when they are upfront instead of lying and hiding things from me. The natural consequence is a loss of trust, I question everything and require proof before I believe them which drives them crazy. That lasts an undetermined amount of time after each breach of trust but there are always certain areas I don't trust each of them from past experience. Once she gets the new phone can you have her turn it in to you when she is in the house and she gets it back when she leaving the house?

1. Finished my graduation project for my online program (afraid to hit the "submit" button though...) 2. I am really enjoying working on real clients in massage therapy school, I find it to be very grounding and stress relieving and I'm getting very positive feedback 3. Sitting by my kitchen fireplace, watching the snow fall is a nice way to do homework

I waited a long time before mine even knew I was dating because I was following their cues and then proceeded very slowly because of the resistance of the older two. We are very gradually making some real progress so I'm glad I did it the way I did. Your situation seems very different and if she would like to meet him and you think it's serious than why not. I would say first meeting should be less than sit down dinner though in case she ends up being not as comfortable as she thinks she might be. I think that meeting someone you are dating is different than having your kids establish a relationship with someone who may not be long term in their lives. Follow your gut, you know your girls the best.

It's funny because NG tells me all of the time that I am too independent and don't let him help me yet what I've been wanting so much lately is someone to help me. i think its that easy natural rhythm of doing for each other, supporting each other, picking up the slack when one person has too much on their plate, that I really miss. I also get frustrated that I dont have the time or energy to do as much for NG as I would like to when I see him in need. We both try but like TooSoon said, we are both torn between what we crave and resisting being vulnerable and dependent.