Trying

I have been having dreams about DH every night since Thanksgiving when my MIL had a melt down. Most of them have been that it was a mistake and he never died, I'm upset and he is not. Last night in my dream he was getting upset about decisions I made since he died, that I should've known he'd be back and that I need to pick him or NG. I've been upset and unsettled since I woke up.

Thinking of you and your family.

Thank you for sharing your hopeful message. i am not as far along as you in time or in healing but the changes that have happened in my widow journey have not been dramatic but gradual and noticed only some time after the fact like you with letting go of the coats. I wouldn't have believed anyone 2 years ago who told me I wouldn't always feel such raw, profound pain but I do wish I could help new widows to believe it.

I think you know how slow I was to introduce my NG to my kids and in a year and a half there has been no sleepovers with my kids in the house. They only know of one weekend get away I had with him and know nothing of any other sleep overs. For me it is the age of my kids, 2 older teens and an 11 year old and the fact that the older 2 had a hard time with me dating so early. You know your kids and what is right for them. Being divorced he has the "luxury" of kid free time and can have a relationship without including his kids for quite some time. My guess is that if he feels the relationship is worth it down the road, he will change his attitude and want to share everything with you.

Amen, only parenting sucks and teens can really suck sometimes too! You are doing a great job under tough circumstances, I admire that you make consequences and stick to them. It's not easy always having to be the bad guy. DH and I were a great team and had different things we each took turns being tougher on. Now, it's just me being tough or picking my battles because the constant nagging and discipline is hard. My middle son is the one with food in his room and clothes all over the floor. Since he was a toddler he has been too lazy to cover his tracks and is easily caught. Do they want to be caught or do they just really not care? I hope her sister is really pissed off about the lap top and tells her off. Sometimes a sibling or a friend being mad has more effect than we do. Hang in and vent away any time!

I fell quickly for my chapter 2. Life circumstances and family grief complications have caused us to proceed slowly but my heart jumped fast.

I hope it was a joyful celebration for your daughter and your whole family!

There are things about my relationship with DH that were better, easier, but I am pretty realistic about the shortcomings in my marriage too. Some things I would not tolerate again in a chapter 2. Then there are things with NG that I never would've tolerated when I was in my twenties that seem insignificant now. I think it's that my priorities have changed, because of all that I lost I have a clear idea of what I hold most dear in a relationship and because I am in a different stage of life, my needs are different. What I wish is that I had the clarity I have now when he was still alive. Our marriage could've been even better than it was.

That is awesome! Any hand written note is priceless to me.

Sorry it was lonely, holidays are tough.

(((Abitlost))) I'm sorry, I'm sure it is very painful to know he is moving on with someone else. It doesn't change what was between you for 4.5 years just like you falling in love with him didn't change the love you had for your DH. Keep reminding yourself why you are no longer together, you made a choice that was best for you and your children which took amazing strength given the feelings you had for him.

This is a very tricky age, especially for girls. You are new and paying her attention in a way she probably always wished her Dad did. Growing up, my parents were divorced and both remarried when I was very young. My birth father was an alcoholic, a pathological liar and all around not great guy. My step Dad was great (as was my step mom) and my sister and I bonded to him and loved our family unit at my mom's house. Then we became teenage girls. I pulled away from bio Dad, eventually cutting ties with him and my sister, who also thought Dad was not a great man, felt a sense of loyalty to him and rejected our step Dad for many years. By the time she was in college she realized step Dad was much more of a Dad and had a great relationship with him in her adult life. She remained in contact with bio Dad out of duty but never had a good relationship with him. The point of my story is that GFs daughter may feel she needs to make alliance with either you or her Dad and she may flip flop who she leans towards. GF is in the best position to keep communication open with her and continuously reinforce that she never has to choose between you and her Dad. Some family counseling may help once marriage is a definite plan. Her Dad should never be bad mouthed and his positive qualities should be mentioned in normal conversation. Blending is tricky and an ongoing process. Teenage girls are tricky and just when you think you have them figured out, they will change. You are obviously very thoughtful in your role in this process which will be so helpful as you move forward.

Thanks for starting this, I need to focus on the positives more than I have been lately. I'm thankful that my oldest son seems to be adjusting better at college this semester and brought his roommate home to share the holiday with us.

I'm sitting here getting emotional about Thanksgiving. My sons senior year football game tomorrow, his last game ever. My SIL hosting her first holiday ever tomorrow because I just can't keep doing it all for the inlaws anymore. Now I'm sad that I'm not busy with all of the prep. All kinds of stuff going on with different members of DHs family lately and I miss having him here to talk about it all. I miss being a team.

TTA, I just had an anxiety attack at the thought of confronting her! Lol I understand how it might be hard for her to see me with another man, only time will tell if she can be polite and respectful despite her feelings. My problem is I feel bad for everyone else. My kids, my MIL, and NG. NG seems to be the only one worrying about my feelings which means I should make him a bigger priority than I have. And me. I'm trying to make me a priority too.

I haven't exactly handled my MIL well in regards to NG, I have basically avoided talking to her about it because she can be so emotionally unpredictable and I don't like being a part of it when she is like that. So I don't really know what her problem is exactly but I imagine she thinks I am replacing her son. My kids are older so it shouldn't be about them spending time with him, the older 2 are past that and my 11 year old isn't looking for a new Daddy the way a younger child might. My father in law avoids emotionally charged conversations with her too which is unfortunate because he is very happy for me.same with my sister in law. My DH was the only one in the family who had no problem with upsetting his mother, he would flat out tell her the truth and tell her when she was being unreasonable. There is no balance in the family without him and I need to learn to deal with her myself after 20 years of letting him handle her. Funny thing, I know he would stick up for me about NG if he could.

I'm so glad to hear the tumor is shrinking and hope this latest symptom goes away quickly. What about something like a comedy movie marathon or good old fashioned board games to bring some lightness into your lonely holiday? I know with my kids I would have to have something like that going on or everyone would hole up in their seperate rooms. Wishing you peace and loads of distractions as you face Thanksgiving and your anniversary.

You have found a safe place where we all understand. I am so very sorry that you needed to be glad you found us.

You used up all of your strength reserves during your husbands 3 year battle with cancer, now you need time to build it back up. Let the friends and family help as much as they are willing now because they won't be there forever and now is when you need them. Now is your time to grieve, take care of your needs and those of your children. Let others cook, shop, clean and run the kids around whenever possible. Blubber and talk about him all you need to, it has to be let out.

I am so sorry for your devastating losses. You have had a lifetime of pain in a few short years. I too am sorry we need to welcome you but you will find understanding and support here.

I'm so sorry, I don't know exactly what your situation is. Are you feeling unsafe or just beyond your frustration breaking point? If it's a safety issue, do whatever you have to to get him out. If it's a fed up with disrespect and lack of responsibility thing I would give a firm deadline. Locks can be changed on that date and any personal items removed and left in boxes outside. It must be incredibly difficult. My 19 year old was given ultimatums last year. So far he is living up to his end of the bargain and peace has returned. I'm sure there will be issues in the future though.

I know, it would all be easier and better if they were back. Your track record shows you CAN do it without him but I know it's hard and who would WANT to do it alone?

Count me in! I think either day is good for me and the winery is perfect.

I want to give you some encouraging and inspiring words but unfortunately today was a very sad day for me. As soon as I get out of my funk I promise I will come back to this thread and dazzle you with my profound and inspiring words But seriously, the holidays are such a big trigger, I think the key is to lower expectations. Don't buy into the idea that everyone else is having a Hallmark perfect holiday season.

To clarify, I'm not in a contest with divorced people to prove who has it worse. Every situation is unique and pain is pain. I was venting about 2 seperate situations that upset me because of the children involved. My kids' pain has been one of the hardest parts of losing DH for me. I couldn't prevent their pain and I can't fix it. There have been times where I have made their pain worse but the majority of the time I do whatever is in my power to not add to their grief. I get upset when these particular divorced moms repeatedly make their children's pain worse by putting them in the middle or bad mouthing their ex in front of them. That's the part I don't get. I don't attack them or confront them and I don't play the widow card. This is my safe place to vent and to share things that I don't feel free to share with people in my real life and I am grateful for the chance to do so without judgement, even if people disagree with me.