Trying

Abi, you have to go with your gut, if it feels like too much negative when you are coming out of another relationship than it may be not the right time for you as much as not the right guy. It's good that you recognize your heart needs protecting.

That's awesome! We were always the party house, I've thrown a few since DH died but it hasn't been the same. Now that I'm in a new house I think I will eventually be able to entertain in a way that feels new and just me.

SB, you have always been so generous in sharing your story about such a difficult time in your life. I think about where you are now and I hope that my friend is able to sustain healthy changes in the way you have. I really want the best for her and especially for her kids. I feel so selfish, her problems had absolutely nothing to do with me, the things she said and did to me were not about me. logically I get that, but emotionally I'm right back to 2 years ago when my world was turned upside down and she wasn't there. I haven't been so weepy in while.

One of my closest friend lost her DH 8 years before I lost mine. We were like family to her and her 3 kids. My DH was her go to guy for all household stuff, I was there for all of her tough days and beyond. We never abandoned her. We always included her and her kids. Over those 8 years our relationship was 80% about her which I no problem with because I felt blessed. I made too many excuses for her poor choices because I "felt sorry for her". The last 2 years before DH died she started to spiral out of control, drinking too much, DUIs and one bad choice after another. She hit her rock bottom right when DH died, said some extremely hurtful things to me, had her kids taken away, another DUI, multiple rehab attempts. She is home and has her kids back and seems to be doing well. I met her for lunch Friday for the first time. I have hardened my heart to her these past 2 years and expected to see the same woman, just sober, and I would be able to put the friendship behind me once and for all. Instead, she was very calm and peaceful, she owned up to many of her mistakes for the first time and apologized to me. I was overcome with emotion that I wasn't expecting. She should've been there for me. I had no one except my mom who had any idea what I was going through and here my closest friend was a widow and wasn't there to support me. I know her problems had nothing to do with me and that she wasn't capable of being there for me but why did she have to pick the first time I needed her, to be when she fell apart? All of my logic and reason went out the window and I felt like a sad, hurt child, being selfish about how her problems effected me. Now I don't know what to do going forward. Do I try to be her friend again? I lost my best friend and my husband in the same week, how do I forgive someone that caused me that kind of pain?

Since I am someone who brings drama and baggage to a relationship I like to think that after a certain age we all have some baggage. since your relationship is new, I don't think you can tell yet if this is a regular level of drama or an isolated incident. I think how he handles the situation will tell you a lot about his character and help you decide if he's worth getting to know better. Go slow and give him a chance, listen to your gut and if it seems like it's more than you want to take on, walk away. Of course you're jaded from your last relationship and I'm sure he is too. It can really get so complicated.

My 17 year old son was nominated by his football coach for "The Heart of a Giant" contest through the New York Giants. They accepted him as a nominee and is on their website for voting. Today there was an article in the paper about him and his quotes about his Dad brought me to tears. On top of the honor of his coach nominating him, we are huge NY Giants fans. We had season tickets before DH died. 4 days before he passed we went to the season opener game. He was very weak, in a wheelchair, but he wanted one last game with his boys. Our regular seats were nose bleed section so I got them to move us handicapped seating. When we got there, they surprised us and put us in a private section right on the visitors sideline. He was so sick at that point but was so determined to make it a good day. 2 hours in the car each way, we stayed for the entire game, and had to deal with his illiostomy throughout he day. The picture from that day sits in several places in our home and is so bittersweet to look at. DH would so proud of our son, on and off the field, I hate that he's not here to share this moment and that our son doesn't get to see that look of pride in his Dad's eyes one more time.

That's a strange pattern, makes you go hmmmmm...

A beautiful birthday tribute to your Michelle.

Never left the house today, stayed in sweats all day, made clam chowder and studied for a big exam Monday. New guy and his boys came over for chowder and now it's just my youngest and I watching Jimmy Fallon on the DVR (our favorite happy fix) and I'm still wearing the same sweats.

Wonderful news!

Why is it that older women are called Cougars, like they are out on the prowl for young meat or MILF, meaning we are fuckable on a whim. Mature men are called "gentlemen" maybe "hot older guy" or "a good catch". Young girls don't say hey, I'd fuck that old guy and not be embarrassed to tell my friends. It shouldn't be a big surprise that women can be sexy, desirable and beautiful at any age. Sorry for the blunt language, just a sore subject coincidently for me right now.

I went for sushi alone last night and sat at the bar. I was ignored but pretty ok with it because I was catching up on emails and texts after sitting in class for 8 hours. Usually when I eat alone I am doing something on my laptop for work and it's in the middle of the day. I'm still not completely comfortable at dinner time.

(((DebW))) it does, for most of us, get worse before it gets better. In the beginning there is shock, there are details to focus on, there are usually people around supporting us. People go back to their lives and we are still stuck in our nightmare. The reality that this is permanent sets in and I remember not being able to do anything more than what was necessary for my kids and work. I promise it won't feel like this forever, I can't tell you when but in time you have moments of joy and hope sneak in. They will be fleeting at first but grab onto them. The grief will be there, but it won't always front and center. You can talk to us here about your DH, tell us stories about him, talk about all that you went through. People in our real lives don't always know how to allow us to talk about it but talking about our love who has died is an important in our healing. I remember being afraid I was going to forget all about him so telling stories became so important to me and still is.

Fuchsia, your heart is hard, it is so full and needs protecting. You have a job to do in caring for your DH and you need that strength to keep going. I was an extreme care giver for only 4 months when my DH went through his fast and furious battle with cancer. I felt that I did not have the luxury to deal with the emotional aspects because I was too busy directing his medical care and providing his personal care, all while taking care of 3 kids and a home. My MIL could come and sit, hold his hand, cry, and accuse me and the doctors for not doing enough. I had some resentment, especially when her anxiety would make his pain worse, but for the most part I preferred my role. He was grateful that I was in control so he didn't have to be. He appreciated our quiet and calm moments together, when I had the rare opportunity to express my sadness he was happy to comfort me because it wasn't constant. Those 4 months were the most intimate of our 20 year marriage and while I wouldn't wish it on anyone and I would trade it all in to have him whole and healthy again, I am grateful that if he had to die, we had that time together. We left nothing unsaid and we gained a new level of respect for each other during that time and I was honored to be with him as he made that final transition. Everything leading up to that moment was about him, making his journey smooth and peaceful, helping him leave with no regrets. It became about me within 5 minutes of him drawing his last breath.

Totally inappropriate for a "boss" to say that to an 18 year girl about her mother!!! Your daughter should've punched him in the mouth for saying that about her mother. I may sound like an old fart but where the hell is the respect and on what planet does someone think that being called a MILF is a compliment?!

Congratulations! That sounds like a great opportunity.

My guilt about dating early on was never about being disrespectful to DH, I had fullfilled my vows and I was the one left behind trying to survive. My guilt was about how the people around me would feel. My children, our friends, my inlaws. I didn't want to cause anyone more pain than they already had and I ended up doing just that. That being said, I don't really have regrets. While I don't think that one needs to date to heal, it was helpful to me. Thinking about my own needs and self care in general was a big part of the grieving process and dating was just one part of that for me. I didn't use it to,run away from my grief but there were times when it provided a pleasant distraction and reminded me that I was more than just a widow. You need to do what makes you comfortable and be prepared for a whole lot of different feelings along the way.

I try to be sympathetic to what NG feels and I also encourage him to share with me. We all have insecurities or hot button issues based on our personalities and life experience. Relationships are about compromise and respect and as long as it is a discussion and not a directive than I think it's healthy. When there are children involved both parties need to put the children's feelings into the mix of the discussion (not necessarily involving the kids in the discussion, but simply considering them). For me, having to pack up for a move forced me to make decisions about pictures sooner than I would have if I had stayed in our home. As long as my kids are living with me there will always be some pictures of DH out in the open.

Call Best Buy and get them to do it all! I had them mount my TV on the wall over the fireplace, quick and easy for them, would've been a nightmare for me. One thing I'm learning is that I need to get help with certain things, if there's no one to ask then I have to pay someone

My NG has never voiced an objection to pictures of my DH. I did remove pictures from my bedroom in my old house before he spent a night when my kids were away. I recently moved and have not put out as many pictures, ones of the whole family or him with one or more of the kids, none of just the two of us. I'm not sure how I would've reacted if he asked me to remove them instead of me deciding to...

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Big hugs to you. It sounds like you have way too much on your shoulders. I understand that your brother and mother are family but if taking care of them is going to break you that is a heavy price to pay. Who will then take care of you and your kids? It is very hard for me to put my own. Weds and wellbeing first but I do think it's very important that we try to otherwise we are no good for anyone else. These things are so difficult to handle without our partner by our side, I'm so sorry you are doing it all alone.

I have been so focused on certain people in my current life who might not already know that I totally forgot about my college roommate from Freshman year. She had a crush on NG and told me I was not allowed to date him. He transferred after Freshman year and I never heard from him again until we crossed paths 18 months ago (27 years later). Now I'm dying to know if she noticed who I was with in my FB post! Just a funny twist in our story.

It is exhausting, I understand exactly what you are saying.

Thinking of you today and wishing you peace.