Trying

(((November))) it is my belief that I don't need to go to the cemetery to visit my DH, that is not where he is. I talk to him where ever I am, honor him in little ways every day and every where. For me, the baseball fields where he coached my sons and volunteered countless hours is where I go when I really want to FEEL him. Other people benefit from visiting the cemetery, we are all unique. If it doesn't feel comforting and it only feels like an obligation there is no point to it and it does not honor him. It may have been what you needed for a while but our needs change. When you take away the feeling of obligation you may find yourself wanting to return at certain times. Good for you that you realized this was not what you need right now.

It is such a personal decision for each of us and you need to do what feels right to you. Around 8 months was our wedding anniversary and I bought myself a new ring. I had been taking my wedding and engagement rings on and off but couldn't stand the bare finger. The new ring has not come off in the past year and it's a symbol to me of my new identity. Not married anymore but bought on our anniversary so it represents my past and my present.

I echo, do not beat yourself up over this. I'm glad he was so understanding and respectful. Young children, you had a baby, you've started your new job! How on earth could you be ready to open your heart to someone new with all that you have had to deal with. Your BIL would be the easy answer but you are strong enough to realize that being together may not be for all of the right reasons. You will love again because you appreciate great love and commitment. You are an amazing mother because you are not going to make any rash decisions that could affect your children. Your BIL probably sees that his younger brother had it all figured out with the perfect family and wishes it could all be his. It's not to say that there couldn't be something real between you but it's not something to decide on a drunken night. Take a step back, let the dust settle and be gentle with yourself.

I'm glad to hear it was really a nice visit! The distance must be unbearable. Do you have a long term plan? So many of us have obstacles to chapter 2 relationships of all different types. I'm rooting for you to close the gap the Atlantic is causing!

Sorry, double posted!

Fleur Thank you so much for sharing your personal experience and your insight. I'm sorry that your youngest is struggling too. You are right that giving up all that makes me happy is not the answer and my oldest has had many outbursts that have nothing to do with New Guy so this was just the trigger if the day. He has several good male role models in his life that he has been shutting out. He knows he is not in control of his emotions and that he has screwed up and I think he's embarrassed around adults he is close to. His best friend is a girl down the street and he does go to her and her mother at times when he loses control. They were here yesterday. He has been going to individual counseling because I said he couldn't live in our house unless he did and I thought it was helping. He is day to day very happy, helpful, talks to me more than he has since his Dad died, gets along well with his brothers and spends a lot of time with them. But it's like a switch goes off and the anger and hysterical tears are right under the surface. His brothers are deeply effected. My middle son feels responsible to keep him even keeled and to keep peace with me. My youngest adores him and gets scared when he goes off. I registered him to go back to college in the fall because he has done everything I said he needed to and seemed to be improving but now I'm worried he's not ready. I hate to admit that a big part of me just wants him out of the house so I'm willing to try it. He knows that this is his last chance at school on my dime and living at home is not an option if he's not in school. New guy is being amazing and supportive and obviously protective of his children. He worries about me and was upset that he couldn't comfort me yesterday because it would've made things worse. I really don't want to lose him but I worry that at some point it will all be too much for him. He would marry me tomorrow if my kids (and I) were ready but he doesn't pressure me. I hate that no matter what I do I am either hurting my kids or him and either way it hurts me. Aside from all of you here, he is the only one I share everything about my struggles with. He's the only one in my real life who doesn't judge me and isn't afraid to tell me the things I don't always want to hear. 2 steps forward 1 step back. Being supportive without enabling. Reassuring all of my kids that everyone's feelings are equally important and respect for each other is essential. Boundaries and clear expectations. I am listening to all of you and I can't tell you how much I appreciate everyone's perspective, advice, and support.

You're an inspiration to me! I will definitely hire movers, it's way too much to ask of friends and family. Unfortunately I have to go through Tim's stuff because I am downsizing so much but I'm a little further along and have already gone through some of his things at 2 different times. Good luck with the rest of the move, any helpful hints on how to not completely lose my mind would be appreciated!

Thanks SVS. I think family counseling is a very good idea and again I guess I have to force them even though they refuse. I keep telling him that his feelings are valid but his way of expressing them is destructive to himself and to the whole family. I will give up having parties even though all 3 say they want them. I will give up bringing new guy into my life even if that means I risk losing him, if it means my son will do the hard work to get the help he needs and make the positive changes to move forward with his life. I would give up everything for my kids if I thought it would help. I've already lost so much, I can tolerate anything except losing my kids.

Thank you so much for your reply. I struggle back and forth about be respectful for my kids needs but never getting the respect back. It is understandable that me dating is hard on them and I have been extremely sensitive, slow and low pressure about it. My son has had these out bursts and meltdowns at every holiday and special occasion since his father died so,if it wasn't new guy it would've been something else. The only difference is that this time he has a somewhat valid reason to blame his meltdown on me where he never has before. I am so worried that he isn't going to get past this angry phase and he will have no future or that he is going to end up doing something destructive to himself or someone else with lifelong consequences. Not being able to help your child, even when that child is 18, is heart breaking.

I should know better by now. Every holiday or special occasion since DH died my oldest, and one time my middle son, has ruined with a complete and total meltdown. We often had friends over for a Memorial Day pool party and BBQ (and Fourth of July and Labor Day). Parties at our house were a way of life. Our friends and their kids who are my kids ages. The boys and I decided this would be our last one at this house before we move so we should go for it. They all worked hard helping me get things ready with the pool and the outside. They were happy that New Guy was able to fix the sink outside that they couldn't fix and that he went to costco with me to help carry the heavy stuff. It was a beautiful day yesterday, all of our friends were there, New Guy and his young children, all,of the older kids were playing with his kids in the pool, it seemed to be going great. Just when it got the point I could put my bathing suit on and relax with my friends my oldest and middle son decide to have a fit, calling me away from everyone so the oldest could yell and scream and cry and tell me how awful I am because I was smiling at new guys kids jumping in the pool and looked happy. This went on and on, some left, poor new guy didn't know what to do and got his kids packed up and left. Some friends stuck around and cleaned up to make sure I was ok. They have witnessed this all before. My youngest tries to hold himself together but tucking him in he was crying. These outbursts are scary, he looks up to big brothers. Then a long emotional talk with the older 2. Same as before, apologies for the outburst and awful things said, but can't stand the idea of me dating. This is first party new guy has been to. Every holiday or party oldest has had an outburst that had nothing to do with new guy, before there was a new guy, before he knew there was a new guy. He has ruined Christmas, birthdays, DHs birthday, Mother's Day and Father's Day last year, his own graduation, you name it. Ruined it for his brothers, for me, made everyone around us uncomfortable with his anger and tears. Then has the nerve to tell me I ruined their special day by having new guy there. I don't know what to do anymore. Obviously I can't have parties anymore because they all end this way. I can't have new guy and his boys around because I can't put those innocent little boys in that situation (luckily they missed the drama and were clueless). So I am an emotional hostage in my own home? I can't have friends over, I can't celebrate anything, new guy and I have to return our relationship to the shadows? I thought therapy was helping him but he obviously has a long way to go. How do,I let him go back to college in the fall when he still has so much anger just under the surface? He has seemed so happy and helpful lately, talks to me, spends time with his brothers. Then the slightest thing set him off and it gets my middle son caught up who thinks he is responsible for diffusing things. I'm sorry to go on and on but I am at my wits end. I get lulled into thinking he's doing better and we are all doing pretty ok and then Bam! We are right back. I will talk to his therapist but I'm tired of being hopeful that it's every going to change. I'm angry that I have to put aside the things that make me happy and help me with own grief. I'm worried he will never get his life together. Anyone who has experience that can give me advice I would so appreciate it.

Send some food and a heart felt note, that will mean more than one more face in an endless blur of people paying their respects. You are not a coward, you are being self aware and you know that you will be of no real comfort to anyone if you are drawn too deeply back to your own loss.

I'm so happy to hear you are healing well and echo what the others have said about how appalling it is that his punishment wasn't more severe.

You know he's not the right guy for you but that doesn't make a break up an easier. So I am sending you hugs and strength.

You don't have to accept anything! This is your life to make of it what you want. Join an online dating site and start with some coffee dates. You need to realize that you are still a woman who not only has desires but is desirable! If you keep telling yourself you will be celibate the rest of your life then you will be. You are intelligent and witty and caring. This isn't just about sex, if that's all you want you can get it easy. It's about connecting to another person on a level that makes you want to be vulnerable and intimate. Whether that's for 1 night, 1 month, 1 year or forever isn't the point. You need to tell yourself that you deserve to feel and experience that level of connection again and that the right guy would be damn lucky to have you!

I had my moments but overall did ok for our anniversary. I talked to 2 old friends who were in our wedding, one I haven't seen in years and the other I only see once or twice a year. I was able to enjoy the memories of our wedding day, there were only a few tears and I didn't go to the dark place I went to last year.

2 1/2 hours in ER with DS to get 4 stitches. I was in PJs and in bed already when he cut his finger with plans to turn in early, now back in PJs and no longer sleepy.

My guilt revolves around how my new relationship affects my children and the fear of causing them and my inlaws more pain. New guy and DH share some personality traits but are very different in other ways. New guy and I will never have the connection of having children today like I had with DH but he benefits from my experiences and what I have learned about appreciating the one you love. As far as when did I know? Well, we are not yet living together or married but when I think about my future I see him by my side.

Glad you are home, rest up and take it slow!

I'm so glad you were both able to make the most of her graduation. We have to hold onto the small moments and kindness around us and find gratitude wherever we can. You have a great spirit despite the tremendous struggles you have faced.

Bumping for singingmomof4

Today would have been our 22nd anniversary, my second with out him. Our 20th was his first day of chemo, a week after he was diagnosed and 4 months before he died. Last year was so hard because I was reliving all of the events of the year before when he first got sick and that was much worse than dealing with the anniversary. This year I am in a different place, I'm getting ready to move and my focus is on all of the busy, practical details of that right now which is a great distraction and doesn't give me a lot of time for reflection. De cluttering for the move has brought up some wonderful memories and I've had some drop to your knees moments when the reality of Tim really being gone forever have hit me hard but amazingly I have my moment and then I keep going. Last year, those moments would lasted for days. I took the day off of work but never made any plans what to do to honor our anniversary. Now the day is here and I really don't want to do anything. I really don't know what I'm feeling. I am so actively working on moving forward and choosing to think about good memories with DH, letting go of anger and regret. I think he would be so proud of the decisions I'm making and the way the boys and I are really coming together. 22 years ago we made a commitment, started our life together and thought it would be forever. It wasn't always perfect but we loved each other, we made a family and a life together exactly as we planned. I am so grateful that we had so much time together even if we should've had another 40 years together. I guess my plan for today is gratitude. Thank you for listening to my ramblings.

Big hugs MissingSquish. I'm glad you are at a point where you can focus more on the good things.

Count me in on the Widda rescue bus! I can drive the night shift since I don't sleep anyways.

I totally get the "I don't want to" I've been stuck there for a while. I currently have a new project to focus on so I am seeing glimpses of the old me. Not sure how long this motivation will last but it took a major event to get me going, regular old daily life was just not cutting it. Maybe it's time to plan a day off to do something out of the ordinary? Shake things up a little? Or my old standby, call in sick and take a nap. Hope your day brightens up.

Well, if you want to break a cycle of procrastination I suggest planning a move! Holy cow, I have been in overdrive after spending most of the past 20 months barely getting the minimum done. So far this week: 1. Scheduled inspection for new house next week 2. Contacted attorney for closing 3. Had house power washed and all windows cleaned 4. Decluttered several closets with multiple goodwill trips 5. Boxed up remaining clothes from DH that I want to save for the boys 6. Pool house cleaned out and organized 7. Appointment for oldest's wisdom teeth 8. Had my house appraised, waiting for report 9. Invitations sent for youngest son's "end of elementary school pool party" 10. Made a million lists! And I have worked and kept up on laundry. Grocery shopping and cooking not so much. Today I need to contact an organization to come get some small furniture pieces to donate, work half day, middle son's prom and youngest has a chorus concert. Weekend list to come later! Who am I? Lol