Trying

Deedee there is absolutely nothing fair about you having to go through this alone. When you hold your baby girl in your arms there will be so many mixed emotions but I hope you are able to feel the spirit of your DH with you and in her. I would put one family in charge of taking photos and one in charge of writing a diary of sorts, times, specifics, visitors, special moments because my guess is it will all be a blur to you. That way you will have the memories to share with your daughter when she is older. My heart goes out to you, wishing you a safe delivery.

Some progress this week! New Guy came over for dinner one night during the week, quick visit and only youngest ate with us, oldest said hello and was pleasant, middle son was at work. Today youngest and I went to a local park with trails and a waterfall with new guy and his boys. We hiked, had a picnic and kicked a soccer ball around. Then we went our separate ways for a few hours and he brought them over for dinner later. Again only youngest ate with us. Oldest is away for the night and middle son came home after we ate and ate by himself. He did say a few polite words to New Guy and played with his kids in the basement. Baby steps...

I am now on the couch after a nice dinner at home with New Guy, his kids and my youngest. But here I am, like every night, facing going to bed alone. Well, a drink and a cookie on the couch. So much for my will power!

Have her make flash cards of all if the words, babysitter can test her even if she doesn't know French and will learn something too. 5 or 6 words isn't too much for babysitter to learn in a week too. Have her start on Monday making the flash cards. Tuesday babysitter tests her on new words, any she gets wrong she writes 5 times. Wednesday repeat. Thurs test old and and new words. Sometime over the weekend break out all of the flash cards old and new and review the old ones. You're doing the best you can in your own with 2 young kids and you don't want to stress her out. Your time with them is precious! Good luck!

I need to get back to goal setting, things just aren't getting done! Today and the weekends goals: Phone calls: change dentist appointment, get sons prescriptions refilled Help youngest clean out drawers and closet Clean out laundry room/mud room , put away winter stuff Pay bills and finish filing

We hardly eat dinner all of us as a family and when we do we sit at the counter on stools instead of at the table.

I am no where near remarriage or moving in together but we have already had this conversation. I would get a prenup to protect what should go to my kids from their father and I would expect he would do the the same. New guy is fine with this. I think having those tough conversations about finances before joining lives is important.

All of the get well cards and sympathy cards. Sweatshirts and Hawaiian shirts, some baseball hats. Anything I think one of my 3 boys might want some day.

Go Hachi!! Enjoy!

I have learned to keep my pity parties to myself because some times I really need to just wallow in the bad and not be cheered up or told how to fix my problems. If I really want someone to tell me that they understand, I come here to vent. No one in my real life can just listen and offer me ice cream either. I'm sorry you're having a bad week.

Simi first let me say that I am sorry that you are feeling so unhappy. I think it's important for you to determine if you are depressed or if you are in a bad marriage and then focus on fixing whichever it is or maybe a bit of both. If it is your marriage you need to decide if it's worth trying to fix. You deserve to be happy, we all know that life is too short to waste precious time. Choose happiness and go after it. I know that is so much easier said than done but just start with walking towards something. (((SimiRed)))

I was following the story on the news after you posted here. I'm so glad your daughter is ok but what a terrifying ordeal!

I think it's inevitable that we think this way, that we worry. The struggle is to keep the worry at a reasonable level. As things are progressing with my BF I find myself asking him questions about his long term disability insurance, I'm making him do a will so his sister will have control over the children's life insurance money instead of his crazy ex. I've gone to medical appointments with him. A part of me feels like of course he will be sick some day and I will take care of him, not so much a fear as just a reality. I can only imagine that losing a spouse to an accident would bring a different type of anxiety.

I would love to make some single friends but just don't have the time to pursue new friendships. My girlfriends are good about going out with me without husbands about once a month but it's always on a weeknight so it doesn't interfere with their couple time. I find when I am invited somewhere with couples I gravitate towards the men. Larger parties are the hardest for me.

When my kids were toddlers people would tell me "little kids-little problems, big kids-BIG problems" and I didn't get it until I had teenagers. Now I know. Just when you think you can have some freedom to come and go or work longer hours because they are older you realize that they need to have you around more. Even if you aren't having a lot of one on one time with them it's important to be home, have them invite all of their friends over, buy lots of pizza and chips, bake cookies, and make your home the hang out. Get to know their friends because they sleep over and you make them pancakes in the morning. I learn a lot and bond with them and their friends around the kitchen table at breakfast. Offer to drive a bunch to sports practice or home from the school dance so you can be part of their conversations or at least listening as you drive. When the boy/girl parties started, we had one at our house and stayed present. We could see the dynamics, get to know other kids, have some control. Once they start driving you will at first be so happy that you a re not running around like a taxi driver but then you realize you are missing out on those crucial moments. Other parents always said DH and I were crazy because we always had a house full but we liked it that way. I still try to do it as much as I can on my own. I also don't prescribe to the "be their friend" style of parenting. I am the adult. I am known to be more strict than many parents yet they all still like to hang out at my house. I do all of this and my kids still have made some bad choices. I'm in denial that my sweet 11 year old is on the cusp of teen years and I have to do it all alone from the beginning this time.

I think there are people who take comfort in the idea that God (or whomever they worship) has a Devine plan for each of us that we can just not understand. I am ok with that being someone's belief although it is not mine. I also believe things can be random or the result of our free will. The issue is when people trivialize what someone is going through in the here and now. Even if there is a reason why DH got cancer and left his wife, 3 children, parents, siblings and friends, it does not lessen our pain and loss to be told that. I don't think having the belief is stupid but I do think it's extremely insensitive to think that you can comfort someone with a platitude.

I have been having a struggle with church lately more so than with faith and have been struggling as to why. Our priest is a wonderful, warm and caring man who was so good to,us when DH was sick, the day he died, his funeral and ever since. Initially I felt comfort going to mass after DH died but somewhere along the way that has changed and I'm not sure why. I just received a lovely card from our priest last week saying that he thinks of the boys and I often and is always available to talk. In part I think it's being around all of the families that is difficult for me. My youngest son is still in the religious education program that our church does as a family program so I have continued to go to that with him but there have been some tough topics that make me feel very uncomfortable in such a large group. I am not angry with God. I do not see him as a puppet master who picks and chooses the specific trials of each of us. I think I do need to spend more time in prayer because it is a comfort and grounding force for me but I find instead I speak to DH. I will return to church at some point I'm sure, I think it's important for my kids as much as for me. Thank you all for sharing your own stories.

We've all been there, but you at least realized it so not completely oblivious. Probably wasn't as bad as you think.

(((MrsDan)))

Thanks for sharing your stories, it gives me hope. I'm not sure why I feel like my older 2 will never come around. My 18 year old is at least polite, my 11 year old is fine, but my 16 year old can't even seem to come in the room when new guy is here. My response has been to not have him around much but I know that's not the answer. It's time to start having him around and just letting it evolve for the kids at their own pace. His kids are little, 4 and 5 and I haven't spent much time with them because I feel bad leaving my kids to do something with them. Ridiculous, right? I have a pool and this summer I would love him to be able to bring his kids over after work for a swim and cook dinner together on the grill and just be normal. I wish I understood why it's so hard for me to do what makes me happy without overthinking the impact on everyone else. I exhaust myself.

Congrats Kate, it sounds like you made the best decision for you and your family.

OMG Carey how terrifying, saying a prayer for your daughter and everyone there. Can you go somewhere close where other parents might be waiting too?

Too soon, I can't imagine how difficult the extreme long distance thing must be and the obstacles you face are so much more significant than I face. We are talking about my youngest (11) and I joining him and his kids (and large extended family) this summer for a beach vacation and I'm already worried about how to handle the sleeping arrangements. I think it's trickier the older they get because sleeping in the same bed takes on a different connotation and I don't want to set a bad example. And forget the 16 and 18 year old! My kids don't know I was away with him this weekend.

New Guy and I just had an amazing weekend away, it was perfect. Now we are both left wanting more and knowing that we have so many obstacles to face before we can move forward. We generally see each other only once or twice a week and have only done single night 5 times before this weekends 2 nights in the past year. In some respects I have been glad that I have my kids to think about because it has forced me to go more slowly. But, we both want to do more for each other, do more with each other, be partners. For those of you who have kids and are in committed relationships, how did you start integrating your new love into your life? I want him to start being part of every day life yet my middle son hasn't said more than 3 words to him. I feel like I am moving so slowly compared to everyone else. A big part of this is that I was very early out when we started seeing each other so I kept the relationship quiet for 6 months. I feel guilty, even though I know I shouldn't, because I am in love with another man.

I'm sure it was a very difficult decision but it sounds like you are doing what is best for you. You deserve the type of relationship that you want and as much as this sucks right now it will open the door for possibilities. Hugs!