Trying

Welcome to the group no one ever wanted to need. I hope you find the comfort and support I have. There is a lot about the second year that is harder. The first year was all about surviving, I kept thinking "I just have to get through this day" whether it was a holiday, special event, anniversary, all of the firsts. Then the all of the "firsts" were behind me and I realized that I still had to keep going alone. Now I am left to figure out my new life and how to start living instead of just surviving. It's quite daunting and all the while I still miss him every day.

Over analyzing is definitely a problem for me. I want everything all figured out NOW! I'm trying to come to grips with the fact that life is different now. I thought I had my entire life figured out at 22 when DH and I got engaged and it followed pretty much according to my plans until I was 44 and he was diagnosed with cancer. Not that everything was perfect, not that there wasn't struggles and disappointments along the way, but overall life went as I had planned it. For the first time in my adult life I don't have a clear plan and it causes panic. My oldest son is struggling and things are not going according to the plan his father and I had for him. I never planned on being with anyone but DHf for the rest of my life but now he's gone and I'm in a relationship with no clear trajectory. I'm questioning my career for the first time since I was 17 and decided I wanted to be a physical therapist. I need to stop trying to fit my new life into my old plans, and trying to fit New Guy into my old plans. I need to appreciate what he brings to my life right now which is love, compassion, companionship, passion, laughter. When I'm with him I feel like he takes the weight off my shoulders and I can put it aside for a few hours. He's not the answer to my problems, I have to be the answer to my problems. I also can't fix his problems, as much as I wish I could. So maybe this relationship won't be forever, but for now, I am better off having him in my life than not in my life. So for now, that is enough and I will do my best to be grateful.

(((Baylee)))I know how difficult to relive those final moments and how it can feel just like yesterday when you are faced with the one year anniversary. Your love for Brooks was a gift you gave him right up to his last breath. I hope the good memories start to take over now.

The 40's are an amazing time! Glad to know I'm not the only one who can't seem to get enough. It's like being a teenager except now I know so much more and have way more confidence. Not to mention that a 45 year old man is much more giving than an 18 year old!

You are progressing, you have taken the waves if grief as they hit you and gotten back up to face another day. You continue to embrace all that is good in your life now while honoring Kenneth. There is no magic at one year but something worth acknowledging that you made it through a year of firsts. Big hugs to you and wishing you peace in year 2.

I am so sorry you had to deal with such a triggering episode with your son. Teenage boys and their volatile reactions can be very scary and with your husbands history you have extra concerns of course. I have no advice, just wanted you to know I heard your story and am sending virtual support. Parenting my children through their grief has been the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.

What a beautiful love letter, honoring both of your loves.

You have an enormous amount on your plate and facing it all by yourself just plain sucks. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

It just plain hurts, I'm sorry.

I need to stop paying my therapist so much money and just come to all of you! I know that no one can make a decision for me but I appreciate everyone's perspective and the chance to talk things through. My practical nature makes it very difficult for me to follow my heart. I'm always the sensible one who doesn't take risks but life is too damn short (as we all unfortunately know too well) so maybe I need to let my heart lead a little more.

We talked a little last night about my concerns but mostly we just had an amazing night that leaves me more confused. He keeps saying that he is patient and things will eventually get better and it will be worth the wait. There are plenty of times he is frustrated too but says he has never considered walking away. So no answers yet but I appreciate you all letting me bounce things off of you and getting your perspective. I will keep you posted.

Virgo, yes skin hunger can make you crazy! The important thing is you didn't so anything you would regret later. You may need to limit contact until these feelings subside because it's not easy to make the right decision when the flirting gets things going. Time to start dating maybe? Talking and flirting with available men could distract you from married guy.

Last year I did a 4 day weekend trip with middle and youngest child while oldest was on a school trip. I was nervous going into it but it was great and less than a week helped. They were 9 and 15 so self sufficient. We are going this year for 5 days and bringing oldest too. That will change the dynamics and he's been the one who is having a tough time. I'm hoping it goes as well because we really need it as a family. The hardest thing for me was the adult conversation missing at dinner time. The best part was being in control (DH was type A and liked to be in control of schedules yet had a tough time getting up and going in the morning). I hope you find some way to enjoy yourself and something that makes you happy too!

Just dragged my butt home after falling asleep at new guys place. Wish I could just spend the night in the arms of a man instead of in this big empty bed. Have to work tomorrow, so it's a little SNL and sleep here.

Momtokam our stories are so similar. I think that trying to remain friends must be very difficult when you both still have strong feelings Anniegirl I do love him and if I didn't have children or they were grown, love would be enough. I don't really care about money, he's a hard worker, he's responsible about living within his means, I respect him very much. Having kids changes everything and my kids will always come first. They have lost so much already so how can I move forward with a relationship that adds to their pain? I really appreciate you letting me talk things out, I can't with any of my friends IRL. He and I are seeing each other tonight, unless something comes up again, I will talk to him more. We have both been honest and up front with each other from the beginning but over the past month I have felt this shift from thinking "everything will work out someday and we will be together" to "it's going to stay the way it is for a very very long time".

That was beautifully done. I am crying for your loss and the insensitive comments you've had to endure. God bless you, Grace's family and her friends.

Thank you Mangomom, I know you've had some tough choices to make too. If he was a bad guy or treated me poorly it would be easier to end it. I think that you're right about my kids too. Even though I have kept this relationship separate from them, it does take away energy that should be spent on them. Why can't anything be easy??!!

I don't think it's fair for anyone to be compared to someone I was with for 25 years. I was 19 when I met DH and we grew up and became adults and started a life together. Over the years we had some issues and intimacy was one of them. He had medical problems unrelated to his death and medications that were probably responsible but he refused to address the issue so it was something I decided I could live with because the good outweighed the bad. New guy is full if passion, respects me, values me and makes me feel things that I hadn't felt for a very long time. What I have to decide is it worth dealing with the bad for all of the good. The decision was easier with DH because of our long history, because we had 3 children to raise, because we created a life together. Am I afraid to be alone for the first time in my life? That's probably a big part of it too.

Thanks Anniegirl. We have talked about it, at different times when everything seems so hopeless for our future. When it comes to my issues he says he will wait as long as it takes, he wants to be with me forever. When it comes to his financial issues he tells me I should run for the hills. He married a little later in life, in his late 30's and it went bad quickly. I married at 24 and had 20 wonderful (although not perfect) years with my DH. He says I'm the best thing to ever happen to him. I can't say the same. I would have stayed with my DH forever, despite the problems we had, it was a good life and a wonderful partnership. There are things that new guy brings to our relationship that were missing from my marriage and that's what I have trouble letting go of. I wish things were more clear cut but I am beginning to realize that it rarely works that way for anyone the second time around.

Tonight is the one year anniversary of our first date. Our dinner reservation is cancelled because he has a puking kid I have a last minute basketball conflict. Tonight was supposed to make up for the reservation we cancelled on Valentines Day because he got called into work to plow snow. These are not the reasons I think it may be time to same goodbye but a part of the problem. New Guy is an great guy. He has opened up my heart and shown me that I can love someone new and not stop loving DH or honoring his memory. He has made me feel special and desirable and cherished. With him I have been able to laugh and cry and be honest about my life and my struggles. We have an amazing physical connection and I have rediscovered the joys of intimacy that were missing from my marriage with DH. Our connection is very intoxicating and grounding at the same time. The problem is that we both have so many obstacles that are preventing our relationship from moving forward. With me it's my 2 older kids who are struggling with their grief and getting their lives on the right track. My relationship adds to their grief and makes all of our lives more difficult. He is recovering from a financially devastating divorce. He has years of financial struggle ahead of him. I am fortunate to be in a comfortable position with a good job. But not comfortable enough to take on someone with debt who has 2 small children. I can afford to take my kids on vacation once or twice a year but I can't afford 3 more and he can't either. I can afford to pay my half of dinner out a few times a month but he can't. So how could we ever combine households without me lowering the standard of living for me and my kids? I know that sounds selfish and superficial but my kids shouldn't have to forgo vacations and going to a Yankees game because I can't afford to pay for 3 more people. So the option is to continue living separate lives, enjoy our time together but maintain completely separate lives. I go on vacation with my kids alone. We only go out when he can afford his half or I can afford both of us. He doesn't come to family events and holidays because my kids can't handle it. We care too much for each other to stay like this with no hope of the relationship progressing. We both want to be together and have a future but the obstacles are too big. So what do I do? Give up a great man who I have no future with and focus on my kids? Live with the loneliness of being in a relationship that isn't enough or live with the loneliness of just being alone? The idea of hurting him is unbearable but hoping for a future that isn't going to happen is painful too.

MrsDan, I am an overthinker and not good with change so I can understand the stress this is putting on you. I agree with writing everything down and looking at long term vs the immediate stress of a move. Cutting your commute, salary, flexibility, proximity to family in same age range with kids close to DD's age. Those are things that will matter more as she gets older. Would the salary and lower housing costs allow you to hire help to replace the hours her grandparents are helping you? It's a really big decision. It will probably bring up lots of grief issues but no matter where you go you and your DD will bring DH with you. She will always be that constant connection to him and your memories will come with you wherever you are. I don't think you have to shut any doors to keep living and changing and growing. As a couple you would have continued to grow and change especially as DD grows and her needs change. I wish you peace and clarity and good luck with the interview!

A different situation for me because my kids aren't little, my youngest is 10 and I made career concessions when DH was still alive. I will say that while some things get easier as they get older, time constraints become more difficult. They get involved in sports or activities and practices or events can be at very inconvenient times for working parents. When DH was still alive and my youngest started school I thought I could focus more on my career but then the older 2 were in middle school and got home at 3:00. You really can't leave 11 and 13 year old home alone for 2 hours after school every day and middle school sports games started at 3:30. They no longer go to bed at8:00 so you never have quiet time to catch up on work in the evening. So I stayed part time. Now that I'm a solo parent I really could use the money from working more hours, I'm per diem and I work any where from 20-40 hours per week depending on my schedule and what work needs. The downside of the flexibility is that I don't get benefits so I am paying for our insurance. It is also not very professionally fulfilling and I am alone all day seeing homebound elderly with no peer interaction. I was ok with that concession when my life was more full but now I am really missing having the stimulation of a more dynamic career and the adult interaction of fellow professionals. I am at a cross roads. Do I peruse a more dynamic job in my field and lose all of my flexibility when I know there is no one to pick up the slack, do I change careers, or do I stick it out a little longer until my youngest is in highschool 3 1/2 years)? No matter what decisions we make we can not give everything 100%. We have to set priorities, make concessions, relax our standards and expectations both at home and at work and find a balance that works best. The balance will constantly be tipping depending on work demands and home demands and that's when I feel frustrated and like I'm always letting someone down.

My understanding is that it is 16 for the youngest, 18 or highschool graduation for older children. When my oldest turned 18 the amount for each of his 2 brothers went up so total is the same.

My current relationship may be coming to end but the thought of giving up the sex and intimacy is really difficult. I'm not a casual sex kinda gal, I need that level of intimacy and connection. With this guy it's all there. Eyes locked, looking deep into each other's soul, like there is no one else in the world and no where else either of us would rather be. Sigh... And the kissing, I could kiss him for hours. Why do other life obstacles have to get in the way???

I think if it truly is the social aspect of it that she doesn't want then I would not push the big party, it may give her anxiety that would make it a bad experience for her. If she is agreeable to Immediate family only then do it up big! Make her feel like a princess. Get an outrageously awesome cake made, have it at her favorite restaurant or make a extra special meal of all of her favorites at home. If she's a girlie girl do manis and pedis and a makeup lesson before and buy her a new dress. If she's more of the active type do an adventure day. Figure out what her favorite thing is and make a special day around it. You can let her have a say in it but keep some part a surprise. She will feel special and loved because you thought of things that make HER happy. Have fun planning and celebrate your baby making it to 16, it's a big milestone!