Trying

I find that when I have been having a decent stretch and get blindsided by a wave of grief, the shock that it's still there so strong is surprising. It sounds like a beautiful,and painful dream.

Fuck having to yell and nag constantly to get my teens to do anything, fuck that there's no one else to take a turn yelling and nagging!

Dealing with my troubled 18 year old has been the most difficult part of this widow journey for me. I think you are doing the right thing, forcing him to do it on his own but it's so hard. I will add my hugs to the bunch, stand by your choices, hopefully he will tire of his situation and realize he needs to take responsibility.

I agree with Mangomom, stick with what you are comfortable in. A dark wash pair of jeans can be dressed up with heals or boots and a nice top, anything that makes you feel good about you. He will notice you being comfortable and confident more than anything. A new pair of jeans and a pair of black slacks that fit well go a long way. Most importantly, have fun on date # 3!

I have made all appointments and got my cars emissions inspection done. Still need to pay bills and put away the laundry that I did as well as try on clothes for vacation.

I'm crying reading your story. It's those beautiful moments you have to hold onto when the anger and resentment try to take over. I'm so glad you had that time together.

Yes, I totally get this. And as the kids get older they don't want to spend much time with the grandparents or any adults and the guilt gets piled on. My inlaws have been in Florida for the winter so it's been guilt by distance. I need to make more effort but the more my MIL lays on the guilt, the less I want to. My mom lives 2 1/2 hours away so it means her coming for a whole weekend and I have so much to do on the weekends. She doesn't come to help, she wants to visit and go out to eat which is nice by takes planning and I have to put things aside that need to get done.

This Donna needs a kick in the pants too! My list this week: Car inspection Make vet and kennel appointment Make gyno and mammogram appointments Pay bills Laundry Try on summer clothes in prep for vacation (widow weight yo yo means I have no clue what fits) Arrange airport transportation Does anyone else have an issue with making appointments/ picking up the phone?? I have no idea why this is such an issue for me!

I think it was a good and respectful discussion too. I am still not swayed that it would be a good idea to have an on line dating type section but I can understand where there might be interest for a separate forum designed for wids looking to date wids. Although this was not the point if the original post, we have moved into an important topic I think. There is a big difference between the issues faced by those who are in a chapter 2 relationship and the issues of those who are "getting out there". While I enjoy reading the trials of those brave enough to try online dating or being set up or giving FWB a try, I pretty much skipped that phase and don't have much advice to contribute. On the other hand, I can understand why reading about someone who is in a relationship can trigger negative feelings for someone who isn't dating yet or is frustrated by the dating experience or has no interest in a relationship. There are so many issues that come up with a chapter 2 relationship and I want a safe and supportive place to get advice without fear of offending anyone. However it is done, separate subcategories or carefully worded subject titles so people can avoid topics they don't won't to read, is a good idea. That is true for every section, not just social. If it's a trigger to me, I skip it. If it's outside my experience, I may read to get a better understanding of someone else's reality or to find inspiration for my own journey. My 2cents on a Monday morning.

PJ I am so sorry that your sister is being resistant to working with on a plan before you move. I think once you are there you should arrange a family counseling session. Start with you and your sister and then bring your daughter in at a later session. I would continue to approach your sister with gratitude and let her know you want her to help you make the transition and remain active because she has had such an impact of your daughter. Keep reminding yourself that you made a very difficult decision for the good of your daughter. Moving to be with her is the right thing to do, even if it is going to be difficult. Your daughter will come to realize that you have put her needs first and you will be able to rebuild your relationship. Hopefully your sister will come around when she sees you are not a threat to her and she will continue to play an important role her life. This parenting stuff is not for the weak at heart, you have shown amazing strength in extreme circumstances.

There have been amazing advances on certain types of cancer but unfortunately so many that there is little hope for. For both my husband (whose battle was only 4 months) and my Dad (only 3 months) they needed to hear about the people who beat the odds, they needed to go through chemo so they would have time to adjust to the reality and feel like they were DOING something. With both of them, I as the caregiver and the one who did all of the research understood the reality sooner, even if I didn't quite accept it. Funny that both of them never did any research of their own, let me do all of the talking and ask all of the questions. Self protection I guess. Healthcare in general, not just oncology, only works if you can advocate for yourself or you have someone who will do it for you. It's a sad reality in the US healthcare system.

Today was a big milestone for you and you don't have to feel strong all of the time. You are amazing and you're also human. You have earned the right all of the range of emotions you are feeling. Sending you hugs

My name on ywbb was MissingMyTim. Not very creative and chosen for obvious reasons With the new board I decided on a new name. It describes where I'm at in most areas of my life life right now. I'm trying to be a better mom I'm trying to work through my grief I'm trying to figure out my future career I'm trying to keep my house together I'm trying to figure out my finances I'm trying to make a new relationship work I'm trying to get over anger I'm trying to exercise more I'm trying to eat healthier The list goes on and on. Sadly there was very little in the "Succeeding" category, so "Trying" it is.

There has to be a better word than boyfriend for grown men. I refer to him as "the guy I'm seeing" but you can't use that in an introduction. "Lover" cracks me up, does anyone say that?? As far as his son, I would've worried about his reaction too. No advice what to say in that situation but I think what you said is fine. I think keeping a light hearted tone in front of the child would help keep it from becoming too awkward.

Thanks for sharing that anniegirl. Here's a few things that don't sit right with me. If it was an issue of funding or dated technology why not first offer up to the members an option to contribute financially for specifically what would be needed to keep going. Several people offered to help out, why not take them up the offer? Obviously we had members willing and capable of doing so, they created this new home for us in lightning speed. Lauren and the other board of directors have every right to move on to their chapter 3, change is part of life. I can't imagine that any of them willfully caused pain to so many of us but not handling it a way that treated the members with respect to our fragility was reckless.

Momtojandj, the 40's definitely rock! Someone should do a study on the effect of being widowed in the prime of life on a woman's sex drive. Does it effect widowers the same way?

I'm glad it went well and that it's over! I hope her days of earaches are behind her now.

Thanks for the laugh this morning. Some things are just easier to let slide and keep paying the fee.

I started another thread in the middle of the night about grief being triggered by bald tires and a mailbox. New guy had offered to both go get the tires put on and fix the mailbox but it really wasn't about that. Any how, after everyone was so great in understanding here, I took a chance and told him that I was grieving the loss of DH, our partnership and how he got me these last tires right before he died as his last chance to take care of me. New guys response was as perfect as I could ever hope for. He told me that he doesn't want me to hide my grief from him, that he wants to comfort me and listen to my memories. He told me he could never feel threatened by my love for Tim. I really need to stop worrying about all of the other stuff and realize I have a wonderful guy. The future is to be determined but I would crazy to walk away from him right now.

Captainswife and Hachi you're right. It's the feeling of aloneness, the burden of making every decision. And in the case of the tires, it was one of the final things that Tim did to take care of me. He knew I would buy cheaper tires, he wanted me to have good tires for the winter and to not have to deal with one more thing by myself. He wanted to feel like the protector and provider one last time as everything was being stripped away from him. At the time I knew it was important to him but now with distance and time I am so incredibly touched by his love. He was never one to buy me roses for no reason but he would drag himself out, literally from his death bed, to get tires on my car. That is love. He may not have always showed it the way I would've liked but he did show it in a million ways.

Being flippant about your wage garnishment is insensitive, widow or not. I don't have to be in your shoes to understand that it is a lot of money to lose from your check and have compassion for you. I'm sorry that you have her to face at work on top of it all. Some people suck and when you're having a really crappy day they need to go suck somewhere else!

I called he place we got the tires from and told him I had a receipt with the mileage on but not the warranty info. He said no problem, bring it in tomorrow and he will have me all set in an hour. Oldest son and 2 friends took care of the mailbox for me this afternoon. In the light of day it seems so ridiculous to get so upset, and like Jen said, I know I can do these things I JUST DON'T WANT TO!! Maureen I love your analogy, but it's so much easier being the therapist! Maybe I need a life coach who is available 24 hours a day. Or I could just keep coming here to all of you for free and get all of the compassion and encouragement I need! You are all awesome. Hopefully sleep will come tonight.

Forgive me all for what may be a rambling middle of the night post. My insomnia has been bad lately, it dates back prewidowhood so can't blame it all on that. But I had a grief trigger that I wanted to share because who else would understand that a bald tire could cause tears? My DH was a control freak, type A, man. He stayed on top of all of the traditional masculine duties around the house and I let him. When it became obvious that his cancer was terminal and we were looking at weeks, not months or years, he made a "To Do" list as was his nature. Ridiculous things to be worrying about on your deathbed but I knew he needed control so I let it go. Get the pool covered and patio furniture put away (a month earlier than normal), talk to HR at work about death benefits leaving blank only the date of death for me to fill in, blowing out the sprinkler lines a month early (they showed up at the same time the funeral home was carrying him out if the house), go to son #2's first varsity football game (6 days before he died) and one last Giants game with the boys and I (4 days before he died) and get new tires on my car and his truck (2 weeks before he died because he knew I would pick out cheaper tires if it was left to me). The day his dad was taking him to get my tires put on I went to see my therapist for the first time. Tim: "why are you going to a therapist?!" Me: " Because, not sure if you've heard, but my husband is dying" Tim: shoulder shrug thinking new tires are way more important. I turned my phone off that hour for the first time since he was diagnosed. When I came out, eyes blurry from crying, there were several voicemails and texts from him, very upset. They were on the way to the tire shop and his ileostomy bag started to leak. He was a very proud man and had to ask his dad to help him which was awful,for them both. All they did was make a bigger mess. By the time I got home he was beside himself. I got him cleaned up and a whole new appliance and bag put on. I felt terrible that I left him for that 1 hour and he felt terrible he couldn't manage without me. But off they went for the tires, it was on the list and he needed to cross it off. Now 18 months later, and 40,000 miles, my tires are bald and my car is shaking like crazy. I know exactly when they were bought and that they have a 65,000 mile warranty on them. Of course I can't find the damn warranty because my super organized husband was dying and didn't file it away properly. I did find the receipt and the tire shop guy knew DH so I will call him in a few hours when he opens. But dammit, he wanted me to have 2 years before I would have to deal with buying tires by myself for the first time and it only 18 months. Poor New Guy was trying to advise me but had no idea that a set of tires was a grief trigger. DH was so helpless in this 4 months he battled cancer and being able to "act like a man" and take care of his wife by getting her new tires on his death bed was the only control he could grab onto. It was his gift to me but more importantly my gift to allow him to do that. The mailbox is a lesser trigger but it was an expensive overly nice mailbox we fought about when we built this house 15 years ago. He won. Well this winter the snow plow did it in for good. Do you think I can get that damn fancy metal pole out of the frozen ground to replace it? Not a chance! So I have a fancy metal pole sticking up and next to it is a fancy mail box perched on top of a snow bank. And me cursing him that I'm stuck here alone dealing with his ridiculous mailbox! This is what goes on in the mind of an insomniac widow at 4:00 am.

CW, if I ever figure it all out, I will gladly share all my knowledge, just don't hold your breath! Lol. Today I am happier with him in my life than if he wasn't. There are too many variables right now to know if that will true long term, so I'm going to focus on today. Please feel free to remind me that I said this the next time I start obsessing about the future!

Nonesuch, don't leave out the snark, I appreciate a little snark