Trying

My worst post widow wedding moment was sitting next to my mom (also a widow only 5 years before me) when the DJ invited all couples to the dance floor. We were the only 2 sitting in the 3 or 4 tables around us. We couldnt even get up to walk to the bar because we felt like we had a spot light on us, sad widows on display😔

For a long while we didn't eat at the table any more but on stools at the counter, looking at his empty chair was too hard. Now I'm in a new house with a new table and happy that my youngest is experiencing family dinners again.

Lighten up folks! This is a thread that goes from somewhat serious talk of needs and desires to the light hearted fun and raunchy. If you don't like the playful nature of the posts skip it and read another thread. Many people here are raw and vulnerable on the subject of loss of physical intimacy in widowhood. No one should feel bad about expressing that seriously or jokingly.

Great update Needytoo! Good luck with telling your sons about NG, I know all too well how stressful that can be! I went through some tough times with my older 2 early in my relationship but they eventually came around.

From all of the stories you have shared about John I have no doubt he would have made the eclipse an exciting and education event. So many reminders big and small that our lives have changed. You are in such a state of transition right now, all that you have worked toward will begin to pay off soon, keep the faith, and if you can't find it, I will keep the faith for you!

Tybec you have a lot on your plate right now! 2 years ago I moved and made a career change while figuring out my new relationship and all of its complexities. It can make your head spin! NG insisted on more time with his kids this past winter after he moved in here and was in the kids school district finally, before he only had them for a few hours 2 nights a week and every other weekend. Now his ex says she will not allow week day overnights any more. No reason other than she doesn't think it's best. Despite the fact that on our nights they eat balanced meal at the family table, get homework done, play time, reading and bed at a decent hour. They get an extra 90 minutes of sleep in the morning because they don't have to go to before school program and can take the bus. Yesterday he met with an attorney and will be petitioning for an updated custody arrangement that reflects the shared custody they are supposed to have. The attorney seems to think it's an easy case. It's an expense he really doesn't need now but she refuses to discuss anything or be reasonable so there is no other option. Kids who are fortunate enough to have 2 living parents who love them and want to actively parent should not be denied time with either parent. Figuring out my role in all of this has been difficult, now that we are just a month away from being married I feel like I have a little bit more of a say but mostly all I can do is be supportive. There is so much about the mind set of the divorced that I just can't get since I've never been there, sort of like DGI's with the widow experience.

Thank you all for your input! We have been working on the ceremony and vows, trying to make them personal and specific to our situation. I think my initial instinct that late husband does not belong in our ceremony is what is best. We will honor finances parents and my Dad who have passed and are with us in spirit. In my vows I will reference that fiancé came into my life at a time when I didn't know I wanted or was capable of loving again. Then we are each going to make vows to the other's children and he will say something about not being able to replace their Dad but promising to to care for and support them as if they were his own. I think that this will be respectful of my children without me feeling like I am taking anything away from my commitment to this marriage. As a friend said to me, I can't really say I wish Tim was with us because I would never be getting married again if he was! I realize I am very lucky to have found someone who cares so much about my needs and I try to show him my appreciation every day.

BH2 that had been my thought also but when he brought it up today it made me question what is right. He actually suggested I come here and ask my wise wids!

I have a question for those who have remarried. We are working on our wedding vows and the ceremony and my fiancé asked if I would like to some how include Tim's memory or mention him during the ceremony. I hadn't really thought it was appropriate but he said he would understand for my kids sake if I wanted to include him some how. So did you include your late spouse in the ceremony? Is there a tactful way to do this without making finances family uncomfortable?

Time is such a tricky thing. I wonder how it could possibly be 4 years that have passed already but then I look at how much has changed for me and my 3 boys. I still have those moments of disbelief that this is really my life now and those moments that I feel like my life with DH was only a dream. So many contradictions in widowhood. I'm glad you checked in here Hikermom.

I can't even imagine the panic you felt when you thought all of your careful planning was falling apart! Don't feel guilty, you reacted like a human and they responded like humans. So glad it worked out and good luck with this new adventure!

Sugarbell I hope he goes and puts the work in needed. Sounds like NG has lots of stress with his kids and his ex, tough for everyone.

Well, we have been to 2 premarital counseling sessions now. It's good to have some outside perspective and she has us working on our listening skills because we both seem focused on getting our own point across. She also has told us it's ok to agree to disagree about some things. We are a work in progress but this relationship is worth the effort. We have a vacation coming up with his boys and my youngest and I hope that a week away from the house and work will give us a chance to relax.

I was a mess leading up to the one year anniversary, it's the last of all of the "firsts". Be gentle with yourself and don't expect too much of yourself during this time. Remind yourself that you have survived worse days, the worst! and you will survive this one too. Time is a tricky thing, the hours can go so slowly but the year is over so fast.

Enjoy every minute of this great adventure with your kids!

Fingers and toes crossed that you find that great job soon so you can start your new chapter. You have gone through so much to get to this point and it sounds like you are really ready to take this step. I can only imagine the mix of emotions as you say your final goodbye to the home and life you shared with John. Tight hugs and best wishes!

Wow Tybec, definitely crappy timing!! I don't know what I would do if I was him but I can imagine how awful you feel. I don't think you are foolish at all, the divorced parent thing is so much more complicated than for widows like us who have total control of our kids(not harder or easier just way more complicated). It sounds like his ex could continue to change things with the wind so you need to focus on you and your son and the things you have control over. Uhggg, moving is stressful enough without all of this. So sorry.

My fiancé is pretty open and shares most communications with his ex because they are primarily negative and frustrating. He wants me to understand how difficult she is and why it's so hard to get answers from her about the simplest of things. I wouldn't like it if I felt he was hiding something but if he did want to keep things private that didn't effect me I would respect that. Have you asked him why he doesn't like to share this with you? Is he just compartmentalizing that part of his life? Is he embarrassed by the negativity? Does he feel defensive if you are negative about her? Does he feel like it's an invasion of her privacy to share her texts/emails with you?

Kaycee it all is really just plain hard. That first year I remember feeling like I was just going through the motions and holding on until the next crisis hit. I can't really say when it all changed because it was gradual and there was a lot of "one step forward two steps back" along the way. Now as I approach 4 years, my life bears very little resemblance to the one I had with DH. I am at the point where I accept all the changes and compounded losses but there are scars that I think will always be there. When you have those glimpses of joy or hope, however rare they may feel at this point, grab onto them. If you find something that inspires you or sparks some passion allow yourself to feel it and go after it. For me, change and new challenges helped me to regain some focus at a time when I felt completely stuck and disinterested in everything. Also that thing we all hate to hear, time. Things do get easier with the passage of time. If only we could predict how much time. Sending you hugs and understanding. You can always talk openly here.

3 weeks?!! Wow, that will definitely be a true test. I hope you have a great time!

Blending is definitely not for sissies! Tybec I think it's good to focus on what you said about being attracted to his dedication to being a good Dad. He may need you to be patient and supportive as he figures out how to juggle the dad role with the significant other role. That doesn't have to mean not voicing your own needs but approaching any conversation with understanding about where he is coming from. Obviously a phone call while he is away with his kids is not unreasonable to expect and he is probably over compensating. For me, having occasional time away, without kids, has been an important part of our relationship and it took me a while to make that a priority and to not feel guilty about leaving my kids to do so. Our first full week will be our honeymoon but we have taken a few weekends which is more manageable but still very beneficial. It can take some planning with fiancé's schedule with his kids and me finding coverage for mine but any time we have done it we both have felt it was so worth it. Relationships definitely need to be nurtured and not just in the early days but always. We are still working on finding balance, in our case it is usually him feeling my kids take time away from us. This weekend we made a nice compromise when my son had a nighttime baseball game (most of the time I go alone). We dropped him off for the hour of warm up before the game and went and had a nice dinner alone. We got to the game by the second inning and watched together. I was able to make him feel like a priority and not rush our meal and still saw 6 out of 7 innings of my son's game so he didn't feel like I wasn't supporting him. Sounds simple enough but I have a tendency to compartmentalize too which usually makes me feel like I am letting someone down. The biggest thing is both of us have to be willing to work on managing our expectations and listening to each other's needs. We are a work in progress and I expect we will always need to work at it to some extent which is why we are starting premarital counseling this week.

In the car this morning on the way to drop his kids at camp 6 year old says to me "mommy said if she gets us a puppy we can't stay with Daddy during the week any more".

Oh Lord. Next time pray that a winning lottery ticket will distract you!

Just hearing that this isn't easy for all of you either is a bit of a relief! I try so hard to just be grateful. I am grateful that I have found love again, that my children have come to accept our relationship, that I have wonderful man who loves me and wants to share my crazy life with me. But God help me there are those moments when I think "what the hell am I doing?!" One thing I realize is that we now have 4 extended families to fit into our lives also. My family, his family, DHs family (who I still have a relationship with) and his ex wife. We are pulled in a lot of directions beyond just our children. DH and I got to figure out how we wanted to parent gradually and together. Now fiancé is expected to fall into place with my parenting of 21 years and I have to accept his way and the very different way his ex parents. I don't know when or if it gets easy. All I want at this point is to be able to agree to disagree without arguing and find compromises when we can. That's my new goal.

I was spurred by another post to get into this topic and didn't want to hijack another thread. Combining families and the lives of 2 people who are set in their ways is no picnic some days. I have a few divorced/recoupled friends who can relate in a lot of ways but there is that extra part of being a widowed parent that they just don't get. New relationships require time for the couple to be alone and focus on their relationship and decide together how the home life is going to function. But when you recouple each already has their own ways of how home life works and children who are used to certain things. When you are widowed and a parent you don't have the luxury of time alone with your new significant other except maybe a few hours out to dinner or a rare weekend get away if you're lucky. Fiancé and I have been arguing a lot lately, the stress of blending since he moved in last November and the fatigue of waiting for things to get easier is taking its toll. I have 2 kids living at home and his 2 part time so even arguing is difficult because we have no privacy. My 18 year old is a slob and inconsiderate about where he leaves things, my 13 year old has a lot of time consuming activities, his ex is a pain in the ass and he thinks I don't understand how stressful she is, I want to spend time with my boys on the weekend doing water sports on the boat, he wants alone time cruising around on the boat without the kids, his boys want the undivided attention of my 13 year old and sometimes he wants a break, and the list goes on. Next week we are starting premarital counseling, at my insistence. We love each other and when it's good it's great. But the arguing is taking its toll. He has a short temper and I am very defensive and get my feelings hurt. If I get upset it makes him more angry so I try not to show it but then it bottles up and when it comes out it's worse. He is a really good man and our relationship has been very good for each of us in so many ways but some times I just get so tired about hard it all is. My marriage with DH was far from perfect but we were settled into our life after 20 years of marriage and there was a certain acceptance of the negative parts. The one thing that we always shared was the love of our 3 boys and even though we didn't always agree on every parenting issue, we always knew the other one held them as a priority. If one of the kids was acting out we were on the same team and there was no need to feel defensive.