Portside

I wish I was as clear-eyed and focused on the important items as Mr. Williams was on the passing of his wife. His calls for love and forgiveness were, to me at least, inspiring. Mike God bless them all.

Actually, if you have done this, then you?ve done the hard part ? although I?m certain it doesn?t feel that way right now. It?s been my experience the key issue to address is ?Do I want to get better? To be happy again?? I?ve been amazed at the number of folks that find themselves in our situation for whom the answer is ?No.? How sad. But, assuming your personal take on these questions are ?Of course!?, then perhaps what I did could work for you. I forced myself to get up and get out among the living. I had two children that also vied for my time so I worked hard to carve some time out for myself and reengage with the outside world and try new things, go new places, meet new people, and change the routines that my late wife and I settled into over the many years of our marriage. I went out to eat alone if I had to and talked to the servers all evening. Anything to re-engage. It wasn?t easy. I started down loads of dead ends and was involved with more than a few unproductive pursuits. But, if something didn?t work for me or my family, I pitched it and tried another new event/experience. Some days, just getting outside into the sun was enough to help the boys and me be happy. Eventually, the outside world felt more welcoming and happier than it had before. Upon reflection, I?m convinced the world hadn?t changed but rather, the change was from within. I too was tired all the time, just like you for all the same reasons. I added some exercise to my existence which not only introduced me to a number of like-minded folks, but helped me to feel better both physically and mentally. In any case, any activity can help chase away the feelings of overwhelming fatigue. One thing I?d like to ask you to do is never give up. Especially during the tough days that sneak up on you. From my time in the Marine Corps I learned long ago that attitude is more important than anything else. It will save you when nothing else will. I?ve witnessed folks die simply because they gave up ? it wasn?t their wounds that did them in but rather the shroud of hopelessness that they allowed to sweep over them. This is something you have control over if you wish. One step at a time you can do this. Just one more step. I?m pulling for you! Best wishes - Mike

Sure it?s okay to move if you wish but bear in mind that moving, by itself, is not a panacea for all issues that may be troubling you. Among other things, you stated you are very angry with many in the town. Okay, I understand but simply removing them from your line of sight will not resolve the issues you have with them. It?s possible that even after a move, the negativity you feel towards them will linger ? perhaps for a long time if that anger remains unresolved. If you can process it, work through it and stow it away there?s a high likelihood that it will be gone forever. Yes, I can see the landscapes your late wife designed are a reminder of her and the impacts she once had. But so is your son and I?m certain that he is a constant reminder of all that was good and tender of her. Could her landscapes possibly be viewed in the same light also? The point I?m striving to make is simply be careful expecting a sea change just because of a move. I?m getting the feeling from your post that there may be a bit of ?running away? involved here. If that is so, perhaps a potential move can be viewed as ?running towards? something instead with just a small change in outlook. The end result would be the same but the viewpoint needed to get there is completely different. And sometimes that can make a world of difference. Best wishes and good luck! Mike

Well, I usually set up a date and then when we met up - I hit him over the head with my man purse - but then, I'm a guy. It's a jungle out there. - Mike

Of course!

Unfortunately, all I have for you is more questions. Please consider these as just some possible items to think through in depth. Are you absolutely certain the only choice available to you is ending the marriage or helping your children? Believe me, I understand how the kids can be impacted by the death of one of their parents. One of mine, in particular, was a disaster for a time. Thank God he pulled out of his problems. In my little pea brain though, I'm struck by the age of the kids and their apparent inability to process the death of their father fully in a healthy manner. Is it possible they are leaning on you just a little too much? Of course, I don't know the details so this is just a wild thought on my part. If all was well with the kids, would you be content enough to keep working on your marriage to keep it intact? The answer to this would obviously help provide you a direction. Actually, this may be the first question you ask yourself. Truly this is the time for deep introspection on a number of fronts - I pray you find the right answers for you and your family and will certainly add you, your husband and your children to my prayer list. Best wishes and good luck - Mike

Hey Doug. Please accept my condolences on the loss of your dear wife. I'm glad to 'meet' you but wish it was under happier circumstances. Best wishes - Mike

The usual; The grandkids will stay over and I'll be feeding them all the things their mother insists they are allergic to/can't have. Make dinner and desert for them and my wife. My wife will lead the kids and make valentine's cards for their parents and us. Low-key but tons of fun. Mike

True love conquers all. If it doesn't, it wasn't true love. Good luck - Mike

We introduced ourselves to our respective children only after we were certain that we were a couple in for the long haul. In our case that was after two or three months of exclusive dating. At the same time we began our blending of our families. We took it slow but steady progress was made towards making us one family every week from then on out. Good luck - Mike

Well. I'll limit my comments to this: Of course it is your business who spends the night in your room. But remember, DD will learn from your actions and example what is considered acceptable behavior within your household. Prepare yourself for the day when you have to address similar behaviors from DD. Oh, and if I may be so bold to make a prediction, statements like "That was different!" or "Not as long as you are in my house!" will not be accepted easily. Good luck and best wishes! Mike

Okay, I'll take you at your word - I'm positive you need a change. ;D This fella's (lack of) communication style obviously grates on you. It would me too. We can all talk around the it but six days on extinction is childish and immature no matter what the provocation. This guy's a grown man right? If you want more of the same, keep doing what you both are doing. Get ahold of your courage and dump him. Best wishes and good luck - Mike

Rob my man, I think you are approaching this from the wrong angle. Instead of worrying about a negative outcome, perhaps expect a positive one. Besides, what if when he turns out be a winner, are you going to take all the credit? If even you feel you are overly cautious, you are. The kids are going to be what they are going to be as long as you give even just a little bit of guidance during their formative years. Every child, given as close as humanly possible, the same love, care, support and direction (or lack of those items) will come up with their own personal combination of attributes. Love them both without end, cheer their wins, support them when they stumble and provide them enough freedom to be who they are. Two people raising kids each will have some great qualities that should then be promoted - why not strive to select the things you each are great at and provide those for the kids? Sometimes you will need to step forward and be the leader, and sometimes it will need to be your SO. When the other is right, stand back and get out of their way. We all can learn something from one another. Best wishes and Good luck - Mike

Rooshy, I think the kid behind the drive-thru was trying to ensure you got the VERY Happy Meal!

Happy belated Birthday AC!! Remember, my offer when I become King is still open. Mike

Sure did Randy. My T. was vehemently anti-Catholic and I was/am a cradle Catholic. It was a bit difficult for us as T. couldn't accept most of the Church's teachings and absolutely refused to step foot into a Catholic church. She felt she could never 'belong' as she, in her mind, had sinned in such a fashion as to be beyond (Catholic) forgiveness and therefore, would have never been accepted fully as a member of my faith. Of course, she was incorrect, but - that's is how she viewed it. So, we attended her church which was WAY outside my comfort zone. The boys and I were not thrilled with it but, in order to keep the peace, we all went. But, more to the point, it can work for you two if you share the major tenants of Christianity (which I'm sure you do). Might I suggest attending both services if that can work and just see how it goes. Not on any formal schedule but rather as a happy choice where both are good. The girls will follow your lead. This is a perfect opportunity for ecumenical outreach for all involved. By the way, the day after T., died, the priest of my (old) parish stopped by the house and, during our discussion, asked if he could say a Mass for her. I told him, of course, but she had sinned greatly and died outside a state of grace. All he said was "So?". Best wishes

Yesterday - Deadlifts Reps of 10, 5, and 3+ at 225, 255 and 280. (that is near my max) Rest 1:00 min Then as many reps as possible in 8:00 min 10 Deadlifts at 155 :20 sec Handstand hold (against the wall) repeat until time runs out Today had 'self defense' - it's really street fighting. Fast, down and dirty but completely safe - a hell of an aerobic workout. Tomorrow is a healing day.

Oh my ? there is so much going on here. The poor guy. Perhaps it would be helpful to concentrate on two main areas: your son?s depression and the loss of his swim/athletic outlets. The other items you mention are important, of course, but most folks can only deal with one or two big things at a time. Perhaps your son feels paralyzed by all that is swirling about him. High performance athletes suffer greatly once they are no longer able to do their event no matter what the cause ? injury, lack of time, available outlets demanding a higher level of performance, etc. This may be contributing to his depression. Do you think it would be helpful to try to steer your son into a new sport or activity? Maybe something low-impact to minimize the stress on his shoulder? This has the possibility of getting him out of the house and into a new group of athletes where he can form new friendships and develop a new expertise and skill. If he does this, there is a possibility his depression may be somewhat reduced by the exercise and just getting out into the world and re-engaging with others. A skilled coach can design a program for him that he will enjoy. My wife has engaged a trainer to help her out and she has two artificial hips and is in very poor physical health with chronic nerve pain. Even so, she has a program that works for her and contributes greatly to her bright outlook. Perhaps offer to pay for the trainer for your son. The big problem, to me, is his depression. I understand he doesn?t what to do the therapy etc., but it is vital that you (and anyone else you can have help) do all you can to treat this. My late wife suffered from severe depression as part of her bi-polar condition. She rarely allowed me to help with treatments as she refused to sign the HIPA papers necessary such that I could be informed about her progress/treatments by her medical providers. That didn?t stop me from helping where I could. I worked plenty of side deals with her doctors whereby they ?accidently? left her files in front of me or ?dropped? her prescriptions near me. When I had to, I crushed up her meds and hid them in her food. She never knew. The point is, lie, cheat and steal if you have to in order to help your son on his path to recovery. The depression is robbing him of his true personality and ambition. I wish I had more or something definite to offer you other than prayer. I imagine you are tired, worn out, and you often feel defeated regarding this mess. Try to hang in there ? Best wishes always, Mike

Have you reached out and asked some of the guys on your dating sites if they'd like to meet for coffee? I think I'm in an older demographic than you so that my have some impact but plenty of women asked me out for the initial meet when I was dating online. Not much can go wrong if you meet at Starbucks or Panera just to introduce yourself to someone. I always found it very flattering when a woman asked to meet. Never had a bad time either! Many of the group activities you mentioned are generally women oriented. Naturally, you'll meet more women than men. You will have better luck if you go where the men are: sport bars, golfing, Crossfit gyms, Home Depot, etc. I wish I was kidding but, honestly, that's where (many) of us are. Guys love women that take an interest in what interests us. You don't have to be a big sports fan - hell, I'm not. But you can learn enough to bluff your way through the initial meet and hopefully, it develops from there on it's own. Ask a guy in Home Depot for his opinion on anything and he'll talk your ear off. Hand him a wax seal for a toilet drain and ask him how you install it. Presto! You'd made a new friend. If you are nervous, tell him you've never asked for help before. Double points! Good luck! - Mike

Here's an idea - why don't both of you suck it up and TALK to each other. You know, face to face or by phone. Texting is not a substitute for real communication. Perhaps you both will get to the bottom of what is eating at each of you and then you'll be able to move forward. Good luck - Mike

1. My Sailor called tonight and is now safely back at San Diego Naval Station for (the Navy says) at least a few months. I'll be breathing a bit easier. 2. My wife's learned today her illness is currently in remission. She is still sicker than hell but it isn't getting any worse - at least for now. A small victory but still, a victory. 3. I successful fought my sparring partner to a draw today during an exhibition. She, yes 'she' and I'll thank you to not snicker, outweighs me by 50 pounds, is 6 inches taller than me and is rated a full two levels above my level. During the early portion of the competition, she was kicking me so hard that I was flying into the air. I feel like someone beat me with a shovel.

Beth, reach out to Serpico directly by means of a PM. He is a bank loan officer over in western Ohio. He'd know what is available as that is his job. Good luck, Mike

My sons were 26, 24, 10 and 9 when their mother passed away. The older two really had no issues (other than the normal grief) surrounding her death. One was busy with college and the other was just beginning his work life at that time. My youngest two though were affected far greater. Possibly as they were still in the home when my late wife died while my older two were out of the house pretty much. They needed the things only a mother could offer. Both of my younger sons clung to me, in their own way, while in middle and high school more tightly than the older boys did. I remarried two years after I was widowed. My new wife happily jumped into this young family with the idea (her's not mine), that she would do all she could to parent the boys along with me. Luckily, the younger boys were thrilled when I was started dating and with the exclusive relationship I formed with my now wife. R completely took over as 'Mom' once she came on board with all that that means. The boys wanted her to. She helped me transition them from bumbling adolescents into strong, confident and happy young men. It helped that the boys also accepted her as 'Mom' almost immediately while still respecting the memory of their mother. R did not try to replace T and worked to keep her memory alive but the boys really didn't want that. I believe the memory of their natural mother was too painful. It might always be. For those two, R was there for all the normal passages a young man goes through on his way to adulthood; Confirmation, sporting events, first dance, proms, teacher conferences, learning to drive, HS graduation, etc. We all were involved in the boys' life decisions such as choosing a college or, in my youngest's case, his decision to enlist into the Navy. I think a man and a woman bring different viewpoints on a host of issues when parenting and, in a perfect world, a child will benefit greatly when he listens to both bodies of advice. I had it easy - my needs, my wife's needs and my kid's needs all lined up pretty well without much friction. When there was a conflict, my wife and I decided what was the best option for the family and we then worked to put the decision into play. Of course there were the occasional disagreements between the four of us, but my wife and I took great pains to put forth a united front, especially when we disagreed. We didn't want it to be any harder than it was already for the boys. Things seem to have turned out reasonably well for them - Thank God they are now very independent - Jake's living on his own and doing well in college. Josh graduated towards the top of his Navy training schools, bought a car with very little advice from Dad, and has driven completely across the US to his new duty stations a few times alone. The Navy trusts him (at 20 yrs old) with millions of $$ of equipment to operate and protect his shipmates. At the time of my late wife's death, one of my dear friends told the boys "this is the worst thing in the world that can happen to you. Compared to this, the rest of your life will be easy. Don't be afraid." Whether or not that is true, the boys believed it and with very little help from me and R, have boldly stepped into their adult lives. Every family is unique, of course, but this is how we played it. It seems to be working out so far. Good luck and happy new year! Mike

Not so much anymore as I am years out but, they did. He's what I said: "Thank you." Happy new year - Mike

This is a potential minefield. No young man wants his mother to get in the sack with a man not his father. It's even tough when you are married but that will go down easier. This was how I played it when I was dating my now wife: The kids, both her's and mine, never saw us share a room either at her house or mine (or even when we all traveled together) until after we were married. Not that we waited to be intimate until then, but we sure as hell never let the doubt be removed for the kids until then. It may be considered old-fashioned, but we found both my teenage and adult sons and Rs would have been very, very upset had we chosen to share a room before we were married. It worked for us. Good luck - Happy New Year! Mike