Portside

You'd be confirming the truth he already knows you're withholding? As poor of a liar as I am, I know I could not do dumb, I just say stuff tactfully. Take care, Rob T I don't know Rob, is there a way to say this tactfully for my case? "Yeah, when your Mom was real bad she'd run naked down the street and the cops would have to fight her to bring her home. She would run away too for weeks on end with no money and then whore herself around in dirt bars so she had a place to sleep at night. Her 'boyfriends' of the day would sometimes find my number and call me to come pick her up two states over. She'd be filthy with matted, tangled hair and smelled like booze, ass and pot. Sometimes she had lost all her clothes and would be wearing whatever her one night friend gave her - normally a dirty tee shirt and no panties. " I understand what you are driving at and I respect your thoughts but I think that sometimes you just have to tell the whoppers to the kids or leave it at: "Your Mom was desperately ill and didn't act right all the time." Best wishes - Mike

If you would ask me intimate details of my life (I'm 60) repeatedly you would get multiple answers on a variety of events. Not on everything of course, but more than once I am sure. Not because I want to hide something from you but because I don't remember exactly what happened for each of those events. I don't care to. Ages, dates, exact events, times, who, what, where - they can become a bit jumbled. A bit, not dementia level - that is something else entirely. At some point you simply have to take what you know about a person and trust them - or not. There never is some magic accumulation of items that you believe or don't for any one person. It is always what you are comfortable with. As you stated, you have a much higher standard of checking out stories than some others would. And truly, some of us just want to forget what is past - it isn't important to get all the details correct. To us is it done, gone, and just better forgotten. Sleeping dogs and all that. ps - I would be very annoyed with the level of scrutiny however. I understand you have a history that leads you to be distrustful. I am sorry about that but this very high level of checking everything under the sun doesn't seem to provide the solid base of understanding and care for another that successful relationships are built upon. Good luck - Mike

I feel you SB but I wonder if this is the best path given the age of your son. At this age, sons already think their Moms or Dads are the dumbest creatures on the face of the earth. He may think you are giving him more ammunition to build his case. Perhaps another option is just not to confirm his observations. Something like "Well, I really don't know." At that point he may think we are only clueless, not lying through our teeth. My boy recently asked me if it was true that his mother didn't always feed him and his brother while I was at work. (She didn't.) I can't remember my exact words but it was along the lines of "Well, mom did the best she could." In any case, it's a tough call. Good luck - Mike

Yes it is - more than just something, that's the most important thing! Don't worry too much about the lack of support from the in-laws. Yes, that hurts a ton but it is far worse to be surrounded by them when they are shitty. You're better off without them. The tiredness will pass - the sense of aimlessness will pass. The key to getting better is the belief that it will get better. You are on the right path. Hang in there - I'm pulling for you. Best wishes - Mike

Okay, I think I get it better now. Well, I understand his concern. Most guys I know would view this as competing with a deceased spouse. Which, to those guys, is a no win situation. Now I know there are women here whose NGs are okay with the deceased spouse being remembered in some fashion and at various levels. That's wonderful - but it's not for everyone. Maybe ask NG directly - "what are you comfortable with?" "what are you feeling about it?". You said he is 'sensitive' to the situation. What does that mean exactly? Did he explain that to you? Lots of conversation is needed here. Dig deeply. You both will need to fully examine what you each are feeling and get it out into the open. Only then will be you be able to come to an agreement as to what will be the path forward. Good luck - Mike

What does NG want/not want you to do for him? If you follow his wishes he will see that his birthday is all about him - just as your birthday should be all about you. What is your take on all of this? Good luck - Mike

You could have tried "Hi, how ya' doing?" That seems to get the ball rolling. Good Luck - Mike

What a coincidence!! ;D jk - Mike

You may be surprised how often it plays out like that (from the girls) when you are a 50 yr old widower. . . . Mike

Wow - what a mess. My advice? Make it easy on yourself. If it were me I'd 1) stop paying immediately for the storage. It will take months for the owners of the storage facility to condemn and then auction off the contents. 2) Remove what ever you want. 3) Offer the remainder to family with a firm timeframe established. 4) Walk away and let the chips fall where they may. Hmmm - I just realized the above assumes you have access to the unit. Just so you know, many old wood-working and other tools can be very valuable. Over the years, I've 'rescued' many tools from various sources and re-sold them easily for $$ that very much made it worth my while. For the right guy, some of the tools may, in fact, be very desirable. Whether or not you want to go to all the trouble is, of course, up to you. Good luck - Mike

The only thing I see as a problem is that whenever you have formed an intimate relationship with Jack's best friend is during the times when one of you is emotionally vulnerable. The first time you were still actively grieving Jack and now JBF is grieving the loss of his marriage and is fully immersed into a shitstorm with his ex. I'd counsel to try to cool things off until both of you are emotionally available for each other and then see what happens. Yeah, the sex is great - I hear you. But in both instances one of you was/is seeking relief from pressures of other aspects of your life and I'd wager those pressures are coloring your feelings for each other in ways neither of you are aware of. Good luck - Mike Oh - for what it is worth - grief does not have to go on forever or turn into a horrible thing. Many, many folks process their grief, accept the finality of it all, and go forward. Truly, it can happen.

No, this isn't necessarily correct. That's why I asked about the T&Cs of the contract. It depends on the insurance contract. If the underwriters believes the contract was entered into (or reinstated) fraudulently, they can deny the payout no matter if the policy was paid up or not. This could occur if the insured was obligated to report any material change in health status, etc. when reinstating the contract. Or, maybe there is no issue at all and you can rest easy. It just depends. Hopefully, it all works out just fine. Mike

Hard to say - it depends on the terms and conditions of the insurance contract. Does it reference reinstatement anywhere in the paperwork you have? Mike

It has been almost 10 years since my late wife passed. Our boys, with very rare exceptions, have not talked about their mother in any fashion at any time. Over the years, they returned any photos I had given them of her and any other memorabilia. It seemed they wanted to put a great deal of distance between themselves and their Mom. They never spoke of her or wanted to remember her. In all other aspects though, they have grown to be fine young men without any major sadness or outward expressions of grief after the first few weeks following her death. During the time my children were going through their grief counseling, the therapist told me that in the future, big life events may cause a reformation of their relationship to their Mom and to prepare myself for that possibility. My mother passed away two weeks ago peacefully and gracefully after a long, wonderful life. She had eight children with 24 grand-children and it gave her great joy to host get-togethers and cookouts as often as possible. Since we are/were scattered throughout the world, it was very, very rare that all her kids and grandkids were together at one time. We had my Mom’s service this week and in the two weeks since she had passed, my sibs and I have retrieved all of her keepsakes and gone through them so as to organize them for distribution to family. Within the many hundreds of photos that Mom had kept were dozens of my family with my late wife taken at various birthday parties and Christmases of long ago. My children all came to town for the service – T. from London, B. locally, J1 from Hong Kong and even J2 was able to get emergency leave from the Navy – he was helo’d off his ship to a carrier, took a cargo plane off the carrier to San Diego and, from there, flew home. I passed out all the photos I had of us to each of them. The boys stay up late into the night to review the pictures and talked amongst themselves until the wee hours about their mother and me, what they remembered and what they didn’t. The following day, after the funeral service, we had a cookout for all family and friends (of course) and during that time the kids started to pepper me and my current wife with questions about their mom. They just poured their guts out and asked us everything: What did you do with Mom’s ashes, how did she die, was she sick, what do ashes look like, what was mom like, what was that day like (you know – THAT day), how did each of them react, how did you do it Dad, and on and on and on. It was a wonderful experience – not sad at all but rather a “wow, I didn’t remember that” type of thing. I always had worried about the kids and if there was deeply hidden damage caused by their mother’s suicide. Had it been stuffed down so far that one day it would just explode out of them and reveal a true disturbance or imbalance of some kind or were they just too sad at the time to delve deeply into all of it? Did they need to let the experience settle for a while? It seems they were blessed with a gift of peace rather than one of unease. During her lifetime, my mother was a woman who worked tirelessly for others to ease or heal whatever injury or pain was present in your life. It appears she was able to pull off that trick once more after she passed. Thanks Mom.

I went back to work two weeks after my late wife passed away. I was tired of walking around the house doing nothing and needed to be distracted by something. Looking back, I'm sure I was useless for quite awhile after I went back but still, it did me good to rejoin the world. Good luck - Mike

Hmmmmm. . . . It sort of sounds like he decided he was tired of putting up with what he, rightly or wrongly, considers 'crap' that comes from a family with children. His quickly jumping into the idea that "I would let a 17yo run my life" leads me to believe this thought has been building within him for some time. You may be right that this incident was just an excuse to get out of the relationship. He may have just been waiting until something, anything, popped up and that, in his mind, put him over the edge. It's hard to say. I definitely had women break off dating once they concluded that including children that were not their own into their life was not going to be their cup of tea. I must say though they handled it better and more graciously than your NG. Good Luck - it's a minefield out there. Mike

I'm only speaking for myself of course, but I could never subscribe to a way of thinking that held that the best of my life was over. To believe otherwise is, I believe, the key to a happy, fulfilled existence. Every day is a new adventure with unimagined joys around the next (yet unseen) corner. No matter what transpires. Good luck - Mike

Hmmmm. You stated that you don't want to be insensitive yet you are dumping the entire situation into his lap ('his problem, not mine.') and not taking any ownership of the issue at all. Of course this will come up again. It sounds like you totally blew new guy and his concerns off. If you want this current relationship to be a healthy one, I suggest that this is a problem for both of you - not just him alone. And, it will take both of you to resolve it in a way that works for all. Obviously, something in the way you discuss your LH grates on the new guy. Perhaps he is oversensitive. Or - perhaps you are not 'over' your LH in such a manner that NG feels he must compete for your attention. Most likely, it is some combination of both of those possibilities. You'll have to talk this out - calmly, respectfully and and with great care and compassion for both points of view if you truly want to reach a state where all are happy. Not easy but it must be attempted. For everyone's sake. Good luck - Mike

I love this philosophy - it's perfect! Good luck - Mike

Nothing! I think that sometimes a prospective date is overly nervous and talks too much to compensate. I don't like over-sharing too soon either but I just tried to ignore it and give them the benefit of the doubt. Good luck - Mike

Found while looking for the end of the internet: https://medium.com/@emmalindsay/being-single-is-hard-dfdb534b0bec#.vqimvccvd Key highlight: "My partnered friends think because they were well put together they attracted a partner, but I think having a partner makes it easier for them to be well put together. Thing is, I remember what most of them were like when they were single, and most of them didn’t handle it well. And, they didn’t come to terms with being single and enter some magical zen state of balance, most of them found someone to date, and then after that they found balance. But, most people in relationships like to hold to the idea that they’re fully functional alone, and so falsely push this “be self sufficient” advice on single people." So maybe that’s an argument for not being excessively picky. Good luck - Mike

Lots of good advice here AR so I'll only touch on a few of your comments: By way of background, my late wife died of a self-inflicted GSW to the chest. She had been mentally ill for many, many years. Every one around her knew it and we took all possible steps to treat her illness. Medication, therapy, institutionalization, hypnosis, electric shock and on and on. None of it helped for long. I kept all my rifles and sidearms locked in a very good gun safe all the time. But it didn't matter. My lovely wife broke into a neighbor's garage while me and the kids were gone for the weekend, stole his oxy-acetylene cutting outfit and dragged it home. She taught herself how to use the equipment effectively (not an easy thing to do) and, according to the manufacturer of the gun safe, took two days to cut her way into it. She then took a very difficult gun to load and shoot and taught herself to use it. While the coroner was at the house attending to the aftermath, I was beside myself saying many of the things you are saying but more specifically: I never should have had the weapons around. He sat me down and explained that in his forty years of medical practice and service as a coroner, he was convinced none of that mattered. A person truly committed to taking their life will always eventually succeed. They do not need an easy method close by to do it. If necessary, a person will use anything that is available - a sharp stick and a rock or a car and a tree will do the job if that is what they can get their hands on. Try not to ask yourself all the questions because truly, there are no answers. You did all you could. My late wife (and your husband) were the ones in charge and even if we could have shut all the doors of opportunity for them, they would have found or created another. Best wishes - Mike

An honest review of the most recent professional papers and studies on the matter will show, by a vast preponderance that psychiatrists, psychologists and other mental health providers identify the announcement of being transgendered as a primary marker of mental illness. While there are examples of individuals that truly are 'trapped' in the incorrect physical body, the occurrence of this disease is very, very rare. Rights activists and social workers generally hold the opposite opinion. It seems to be all the rage these days. I don't not believe any choice an individual makes is necessarily a good or healthy one. This is one of those cases. To the extent possible, I'd suggest an in-depth psychiatric evaluation of your stepson and take the cue for next steps from there. I'm aware my view is not a popular choice. That doesn't mean it is wrong. Good luck - Mike

I pretty sure there are guaranteed income Mutual Funds still around I think but they sure as hell don't pay 6% per annum. They have returned between 1 and 2% for the last two years or so if I remember correctly. Honesty, talk to a financial guy/gal but I don't think you are going to find that return for the level of risk you are willing to assume. Of course you could sell heroin or run for public office and make a killing - BUT, you'll have to sell your soul and consequently go to hell when you die. Which I know you don't want. Good luck - Mike

No, I don't think so. Of course I do not know your SD or the family dynamics involved but in my experience, this happens sometimes with children of all flavors (step/natural/etc.). My 'SD', (not really - my niece by marriage), routinely flies off the handle and bites the hands that feed her. (By way of explanation - my now wife adopted her niece as a very young child since natural mother abandoned her and ran off. Natural father is/was mentally disabled and cannot care for himself, let alone a child). My wife rescued SD from a life of poverty, neglect and squalor and instead made it possible for her to live a stable, comfortable life with unbounded love and the opportunity for any education she wanted. She had it all due to the hard work and love of my wife. SD has p*ssed away every opportunity offered, and lies, cheats and steals more often than not for no reason. She blames her Aunt (my wife) for every one of her ills and often asks R to play along with her many charades. T's heart is broken but she refuses to lie for her. You can't make someone do the right thing if they don't want to. You can't make someone be respectful or grateful if they don't want to. Good luck - Mike