Portside

What a great question! I don’t view it an either/or type proposition. I’d like to approach it from an odd angle. Bear with me – believe it or not, I’ll circle around to your original question. With (soon to be) five children, all of whom will have unique abilities, needs, strengths and weaknesses, should any one of them come first? I think we can agree that - No, all should always be treated as fairly as possible with the understanding that due to the unique makeup of each child, any one of them will occasionally need more attention, discipline, hand-holding or freedom so that the child, and therefore the family, remains healthy and well-balanced. When that child needs, and is provided with, extra attention, are you placing him/her above all the others? In a small sense, yes. But at the same time, no. You are providing the extra succor to the child that requires it now. It may be seen as a negative from the point of view of the other kids, but the adults know it is for the best as the child, and therefore the family, will gain overall in the end. Similarly, your intended will need some extra Randy now and then and it may conflict with what the kids want. You’ll have to chose and say “No” to someone. Your soon to be wife will also have to make the same decisions. You will wear many hats within the new family: man, husband, father, step-father (however you define it), fixer of broken things, and miracle worker – your wife, of course, has similar roles on her side. For the remained of your lives you both will be called upon to supply judgment and wisdom when confronted by competing needs. I don’t view anyone’s life together as a situation where there are only two spots available in a lifeboat for a group of three (you, your fiancé and the kids) where it’s wife vs. kids as ‘first’ (or you for that matter). No one needs pushed out or sacrificed for the greater good. I’m confident you and your lovely wife will choose wisely when called upon and find the balance necessary to build a strong, healthy family. Congratulations!! Mike

Yes, suck it up and do something for her. Even a small thing could possibly have great meaning to her. You discount her "I love you's" because she is spoiled. So? Many of us are. There is no one that needs companionship, even if it is a very light touch of it, more than the lonely. (As many here can attest). Please reach out and throw her a bone. Best wishes - Mike

Yeah April, that's the worst isn't it? My wife also killed herself and my sons struggled at first too. The good news is that most kids are able to process events, even earth-shattering life events, properly and reach adulthood without issues. My boys certainly had their issues - my wife did what she did in such a fashion to guarantee that my youngest (then 9) would find her shattered body. :-[ He didn't speak at all for 3-4 months. But thankfully they have grown into fine young men - happy and productive. Yours will too - but that doesn't help with our worry does it? Best wishes - Mike

April - When my wife died, I also did not despair or shake my fists at the sky and lament "Why me?". I hesitate to say this but for my family (four sons) and me, it was a type of relief when my wife passed. Our lives were suddenly released from the massive burdens she imposed on us due to her illnesses. :-\ My kids and I tried, as best we could, to immediately put the whole mess behind us and get on with our lives. The kids each handled it differently, but 8 years later, they are all well-balanced, successful, and productive young men. Honestly, the only thing I concentrated on was to let them know I wasn't going anywhere. Well, that, and to provide a stable environment for them. When my wife was alive, our home life was a disaster. One of constant upheaval. Good luck - Mike p.s. - I served with the Marines - PM me if you wish

Nothing causes more hurt feelings than the distribution of life insurance proceeds after the death of the insured. This is why a life policy is a contract between the insurance policy and the owner of the policy (and then to the beneficiary(ies) after the passing of the insured). The way you describe it, it sounds like MIL was the sole beneficiary and has total control of the assets and how they will be distributed (or won’t be). As far as a trust, you may not have much input into it and how it is structured. If MIL sets it up she will most likely have herself be the trustee with you (maybe) as the secondary (or backup) trustee. Alternatively, she may have one of her other children be the backup trustee in case something happens to her. You never know. Some suggestions for you if you get the chance to add your two cents: Don’t construct the trust in such a fashion that it can only be used for ‘college’. For a few reasons – there are lots of other advanced educational options other than college or university available. In addition, what if your child doesn’t need/or want to go to college? Thirteen years is a long time away and the entire educational landscape will be different by then. Build some flexibility into the trust such that your child can take advantage of it without necessarily going to college. Mission trips or apprenticeships come to mind. However it shakes out, as you said, try to be grateful Grandma is giving something to your child. Good luck - Mike

Arneal, I had better luck with paid sites. Also, if you are a woman of faith, I suggest you may want to check out a faith-based site. Sites that concentrate on some basics in your life will have gentlemen that you are more likely to click with. Good luck! Mike

SB, it appears to me that deep down you know this isn't a great match. When someone's negatives outweigh the positives, well. . . . . you know. Pull the trigger Hon. :-\ Best wishes - Mike

I considered selling my properties without an agent as the market was hot and I thought I could handle it all. I have a good buddy who is an agent who, of course, just rolled her eyes at me and my announcement. She said to me "What are you going to ask for the properties?" I had done all the research and was certain I was asking the correct prices. I told her what my asking prices were. She laughed at me. Fine, she said - I'll make a deal with you: Let me list each property. If I don't sell them for at least $100,000 more than your stated asking prices within 45 days, you won't owe me anything, otherwise - my regular cut. Deal! She sold the condo in three weeks and my house in one day. The house sold so fast it didn't even get into the MLS. The selling prices were far in excess of what I thought they would sell for. I happily paid her the commission. Good luck! - Mike

Arneal - I found myself in a similar situation. My late wife’s illnesses forced me to balance work, taking care of the house, raising the kids and caring for her all at the same time. It was a nightmare, as you know. After she died, a good friend of mine remarked, “You must be so terribly busy now.” In point of fact, I was not – I was already taking care of the kids and doing everything else. With the time required to care for my wife now freed up, I had all kinds of spare time – compared to what it was previously. To fill my feeling of emptiness and allay my fear, I forced myself to get out of the house and try new activities and made a concerted effort to make new friends. I don’t think I am quite as introverted as you describe yourself but it was still difficult to make myself go out alone to have a meal or show up by myself at a meeting or event. But I did it as I knew I had to build a new life with the emphasis on ‘build’. No one else could do it for me. I’m certain doing so helped me overcome the negative feelings you described rather quickly and helped me to regain my footing and rejoin the human race. Good luck and best wishes - Mike

Sure - What's the issue? I dated women between 20 years younger or older than me. I had a blast and I believe they did too. I learned at least one thing valuable about myself or of life from each one. True beauty, grace, compassion and wisdom is timeless. To attempt to put an age limitation on it is a fool's errand. Good luck and best wishes - Mike

I'm sorry, I must respectfully disagree. To reject a positive bearing, even when one has great cause to be low, darn near guarantees a lack of positive interactions from all other aspects of one's life. Which then only continues to feed into the cycle of negativity and poor results from others, organizations and the like. I suggest all, to the best of their ability, should try to put forth a positive front - no matter how you feel behind the mask. A bathtub can be emptied one thimble at a time if the faucet is turned off. If the water keeps flowing in, well, I think you see where I am driving. Good luck and best wishes - Mike

I'd give it one or two more dates to see if he grows on you especially since you felt he was a nice guy. Try not to imagine him as a future husband but rather just as a chance to go out and have fun. No dating isn't for sissies! But try to approach it as a chance to get out and enjoy yourself. Good luck! Mike

Klim, a widow (or for that matter, any single person) is a much greater insurance risk than that of a married person. That's why your insurance premium went up as it did. The number of vehicles does not have as big as an actuarial impact as marital status. Mike

Yeah, what is normal anyway? The kids are probably okay although it may not seem that way. It's not at all uncommon for some children to have invisible friends. It's just a way for them to deal with stress and things they don't understand fully. If your DD has her 'friend' into middle school and beyond, that would be noteworthy and you'd need to take some further action. My son went full non-verbal after his mother died (he was nine at the time) and remained so for 5-6 months. I mean he didn't say a word. He could sit there for a full hour and not say anything to his therapist. She did all the talking. It worried me but he came out of it without issue and went on to become a productive, happy teenager, and now, adult. I know it's scary but if you continue to remain engaged with them, they'll most likely be fine. Good luck - Mike

Not to pile on but: http://www.nytimes.com/2010/02/03/health/research/03lancet.html Good luck - Mike

That's a great idea! I donated my late wife's gown to a bridal shop whose owner promised to give it to someone that needed it and couldn't afford it. I paid her $50 for her trouble. Mike

I kept a box or two of things I thought important to be given to our children when they want them. Everything else of her's I donated so that others could make good use of them. Many of her items ended up in good homes in the hands of her friends.

I wrote this about a year ago and parts of it apply to this thread - of course, all couples are different but the main thing to do so as to not screw up is to talk it out thoroughly before you commit yourself to sharing your lives. Most folks won't however and will be sad when some aspect of it implodes down the road. Sigh. - Old post follows - Finances Of all the items to consider when we combined our families, this one took the most time and effort. When we first met, our attraction to each other was obvious in an instant. When we discovered that we had many similarities with our approach to money and how we spent and saved, that made our connection even deeper. We both had been cursed previously with a spouse whose ideas about spending were wildly different than that of our own. For me at least, that fact was a constant source of friction between my late wife and myself. To discover that R. was in line with my own financial philosophy was just icing on the cake. But having said all that, it still required many months and an army of lawyers, financial guys and our CPAs to get everything in place in a manner that was fair to all and protected each of us and our children should the unthinkable happen. End of life finances: Both of us brought roughly an equivalent value of assets to our marriage. But, they were different in form; R. has a significant interest in an old family business. She also has significant pension assets. I have ownership of the family farm and homestead that I rent out (and do not live at). Additionally, I had more investments and investment income than R. Right off the bat we decided we would not execute a prenup. Neither of us liked the idea and it felt like "I love you and trust you but. . . . . ". Just not our cup of tea - it wasn't going to work for us. Your mileage may vary of course. We decided instead to protect the kids and each others interests through separate Revocable Trusts with each other as the Trustee for the other spouse's Trust. In general, everything is under the control of the surviving spouse when (not if) one of us die. Yes, we trust each other to do the right thing for all of our kids. If we both go at the same time, everything will be divided up equally between the children. In both of those scenarios however, the family business and the family farm remain within the original families. (How this paragraph morphed into 25 pages of legal gobblety-gook in the Trusts is beyond me). Also, each of our remaining parents are elderly and in poor health. Any inheritances from them will go to their respective grandchildren. R. also has a mentally disabled adult brother for whom we are both guardians. Separate monies are split off for his care until he dies. Some college loans will be forgiven but we?ve made it equitable for all by not giving them as much cash. You get the idea. One other thing ? we financed much of the payouts when we go by means of beneficiaries of life insurance and IRA contracts. They are non-contestable in court and will not be probated (and, as a side benefit, no one can view them or how they were set up). Wills can be contested and all your laundry can be viewed by anyone with the $ to pay the copying fees at the courthouse. Doing it the way we did helps guarantee our wishes will be honored. While on this subject ? I urge you all to check the beneficiaries of any life insurance policies you have and ensure the beneficiary is who you want it to be. Back in the day I owned an insurance business and I can't tell you how many times a spouse 'thought' he/she was the beneficiary when in fact, they were not. Sometimes the money went to a person that absolutely loathed the insured and there wasn't a damn thing anyone could do about it. Whether by oversight or by design, a beneficiary is what it is at the time of the insured's death. Courts cannot overrule what is stated on the contract (most times) and the issuing insurance company does not ever buy into the "but I deserve it" or "It's not fair" pleas. It's a contract, pure and simple, and will be honored. If it isn't on paper, it's not real. I guess the questions to ask yourselves and then resolve center around this: What do you want to happen when you or I die? Who gets what? What happens if we both die at the same time? If you have minor children, who will get them? Will you keep them together or will they need to be split apart? Did you check with the folks you selected to care for them? Can they do it? Do they want to?? All of our kids have recently reached their majority. We redid all of our paperwork to reflect that. No matter what one chooses, revisit the paperwork every five years or so. Circumstances change and so should your arrangements to reflect those changes. Day to day finances: Both of our monthly incomes are remarkably the same so, we decided to pretty much share all expenses. Just as with the kids there is no 'your money' or 'my money' only 'our money'. We do have separate checking and savings account but that is just for convenience sake. We each have co-signer rights on the others accounts. We discuss spending a lot and if anyone wants to buy something above about $200 or so, we talk it out. This is easy for us as I said before as we have the same financial concerns. We co-own the house/cars/credit cards and mortgage, CDs, IRA and investments. It doesn't matter how you do it - this just works for us. But, you'd be wise to agree to some plan that works for both of you and stick to it. There's a lot more but this should get the mental gears turning. Take a deep breath and get started. There is much to talk about - actually it never stops. Best wishes and good luck - Mike

Sure, plenty. To me, it's obvious she wants a Dad and the questions about sex, kissing, etc. all surround her attempt to see where you are in the selection of a new Dad. That's how she views it at this point. She probably feels if you have taken certain steps (kissing, sex) with a guy then you have made your selection. And then, Presto! - instant Dad. In the absence of facts, kids will make up their own. Maybe she is ready to understand the next layer of the dating/courting ritual. Good luck - Mike

Consider what you know about traditional Catholic teachings and, when you are speaking to Jesuits, disregard all of it and replace it with every '-ism' that has been introduced into American culture since the '60s. I kid - sort of. From Wikipedia but actually a pretty accurate take on them: "Within the Roman Catholic Church, there has existed a sometimes tense relationship between Jesuits and the Holy See due to questioning of official Church teaching and papal directives, such as those on abortion, birth control, women deacons, homosexuality, and liberation theology." As they are known as the 'Society of Jesus' (that's the S.J. following the priest's name), they believe themselves the top of the heap of all Catholic orders. They are elitist and condescending to anyone that holds a different theological opinion than themselves. That includes the Pope. Especially the Pope. Our current Pope Francis is the first Jesuit Pope, they are beside themselves with joy. To give you some idea how they are viewed within mainstream Parishes: A long staple joke at Parish Men's Club breakfasts has been told for years. It's too long to quote in it's entirety but the jest of it is this - A guy goes to confession and confesses to a murder. The Priest takes it in stride and proscribes a very light penance. The confessor is shocked at his light sentence and rages at the priest "What is wrong with you Father, I feel terrible!! Haven't you ever killed anyone!!?" The priest, horrified, responds "Oh no my son, I'm a Dominican, not a Jesuit!" But, back to your point - to answer your question directly - you could not present yourself in a fashion too liberal for the good Fathers. But, you may be interviewed by the lay staff and then who knows. Stick to what you know about teaching and you'll be fine. Good luck - Mike p.s. - I went to a Jesuit run High School.

Oh, it's annoying no doubt but could it be this guy is so damn shy that just saying 'hello' was a huge leap for him? Possibly it's a jungle out there for him too. Good luck, Mike

Yeah, sometimes we are so caught up in our own lives (rightly so!), that we fail to see things from another's perspective. Most likely, the other mother involved within the playdate has, mentally at least, vetted you and come to the feeling that you are a positive influence for her child during the playdate and thus, she has no issue with her child visiting. Your nanny however, has possibly not been cleared in the same manner. Good luck! Mike

Well, if this is the way it is then your answer is clear. "No. Be home at midnight." (Or whatever works for your family.)

You say that like it's a bad thing.

Finally! Someone who is/was reading me properly. It was meant to be. Folks can sit around all day and congratulate themselves on their openness, how empowered they are, and their general sense of 'you go girl!!' where anything goes but that has no bearing on how men perceive them. I'm telling you as honestly as I can - give it up on the first date and your name will get around and it won't be positive. I find this thread very interesting - one asks for opinions on what/how men think and what we think is proper or acceptable as it relates to dating in it's early stages. When some fellas answer honestly noses are put out of joint and everyone runs around like their hair is on fire. It should be noted that some of us that had the strongest reactions to the OP are ones that have formed deep, loving, successful relationships after the deaths of our wives. Like it or not, we know who, why, and what men are like and what we are when there are no women around. When a guy who honestly is trying to help you understand the mysteries of the male mind offers his thoughts, it may be wise to listen carefully. Of course not all guys are the same and want the same thing from the women in their lives. Best wishes - Mike