Portside

Of course I will keep you, your daughter and your family in my prayers. There is no pain as great a losing a child - I know this from my own sad experience with circumstances very similar to those of your daughter. :'( - Mike

I also did not have any special list of questions to pose to a date. Honestly I disliked the make-believe scenario type questions from a date as they seemed to me to be a contrived method of just talking. They felt like they were lifted from a copy of Cosmo or something similar. I've had a very interesting life - ask me about it. Likewise, I'll ask you about you. There is always something to talk about. It can be as simple as "How was your day?" or "Did you do anything for yourself last weekend?". Good luck - Mike

Interesting article. I almost bailed on the "God is not all powerful" statement. I'm glad I read on to the end. Mike

Right! A family friend is in her mid-30's, single and of rather modest means. She has traveled alone all over the world and has thoroughly enjoyed her time abroad. She doesn't just visit the normal tourist areas - she's backbacked through Vietnam and Kazakhstan too. Do it if you are so motivated! Good luck - Mike

Yep, yep and yep. I can't say my view has changed due to the death of my late wife - I adopted this view early in my adult life during my time in the Navy. For me, this is easiest way to think about it. While our individual choices certainly can impact the probabilities of our passing - I've chosen to believe when it is your time, it's your time. I've made it through unscathed when I shouldn't have and been badly busted up when (statistically) I should have been fine. You just never know. Fairness or "it wasn't supposed to be this way" has, for me, never entered into the picture. We have no control over it. No one ever has. Best wishes - Mike

Needy – If you don’t mind, I’ll offer my comments. A profile and how it impacts a reader is a very personal thing. Just because it leaves one person lukewarm, doesn’t mean it isn’t a great one so please accept my comments in that spirit. Thanks! First off, very well-written – it flows nicely, spelling and syntax are great and you made fine use of paragraphs. That’s not important to many but for others, poor writing skills make one winch. As a guy, however, it just doesn’t reach out and grab me. (The hammer comment does though! Good one! ;D) In general the profile leads a guy to come to the idea that you are on an ongoing quest for self-improvement and that this is important to you. While, I think we can all agree that is a wonderful and worthy goal, that is not what a man wants to read in a profile. I know, I know – what could be wrong with that you ask yourself. Rightly or wrongly, most men don’t care about that. We aren’t interested in your self-growth. Oh, it is certainly a commendable way to live, but guys don’t want to hear about your yoga or meditation activities. That’s girly stuff. We want to know if you would be a good fit for me. Self-centered yes, but that is how it is. A man’s take may be – after all this self-improvement stuff, she’s gonna come after me with it and he’ll run screaming from the room. And “living in the moment” is a meaningless phrase to us. That phrase means nothing to a guy other than what they hear if listening to advertisements on the Lifetime channel or scan the magazines’ covers in the checkout line at the grocery store. I mentioned earlier in the thread how one must be careful to write for your prospective matches, not your own sex. Portions of the last paragraph – “Maybe you haven’t travelled the world but you accepted your past and who you are.” - will confuse most men. What does traveling the world have to do with my past? Does traveling necessarily mean I have accepted my past? What does ‘accepting my past’ even mean? I haven’t accepted who I am? Wait – what? It’s confusing is all I am saying. Men are, by and large, simple creatures who don’t want to read a profile that causes them to ponder more questions than it answers. I’m not sure a profile itself attracts or repels creepizoids or the weird. They don’t read profiles for content anyway. They are primarily looking for the desperate and the weak but will toy with a well-adjusted woman if she offers herself. Writing a profile in a particular way will not deter them. I suppose you just have to put up with them until you weed them out. As I said, what jumps out and reaches me is only one man’s opinion. Please take it as food for thought only. Good luck! Mike

Hgadams - please accept my deepest sympathies on the passing of your husband. There is nothing wrong with you. Everyone responds differently to being suddenly widowed: For you (and believe me, there are many others that have done the same), you are able to function at a pretty high level while grieving. Other folks will have wildly different responses to their circumstances. I honestly do not think you are in shock right now. Back in the day I was responsible for the care of combat vets and their mental health needs along with that of their dependents. From where I sit you don't seem to present those markers of a person in shock. One other item - will you not necessarily have trouble in days to come. Oh certainly there are those that do but every personal experience is unique and you may simply continue to function well as time goes on. You will hear 'everyone crashes at X months/years out" etc. That is a well traveled myth. You will handle this differently than any other and your experience is as valid as that of others. Functioning well soon after this tragic event is of absolutely no importance regarding the honoring/dishonoring of your late spouse. You loved him when he was with us and you miss him now that he is not. Getting up every day, dressing and going to work or getting out in the world while grieving is just your way of dealing with your terrible loss. It's okay. It would be a mistake for you to feel like you should be like your LH's mother. She does this whole mess her way, you do yours. Your way is fine for you. Good luck - I'm pulling for you. Mike

The next time you talk to them maybe say something along the lines of "Thanks for the coffee/dinner/whatever last week but I don't think we are a match. Good luck with your search." Mike

Ugh! What a ass. Block. Next. I must admit, some of the fella's calls/mails and texts to you all are embarrassing to me as a fellow guy and human. There is a positive to be gathered here - he selected himself out of your pool of possibilities. That's important. But still, wow. Loser. Here are some profiles that I thought are decent examples. Of course, not everyone needs to (or should!) follow this template, it's just few items to get the thoughts going. #1 “It sure is hard to meet people! I thought I'd give this a try. I'm looking for someone who's at a place in his life where he's comfortable with who he is, has a good sense of humor and has common interests...and chemistry! I like to do all kinds of things....the mountains and the beach..boating, hiking, cooking...depends who I'm with. I have 2 twenty-something sons who I'm very close with - one's in Thailand with the Peace Corp and one's in med school. I'm not sure what else to write, so if you want to know something, just ask. ” Again – a quick note with just enough to catch a guy’s interest. She provides an opening and seems approachable – “Just ask.” #2 “I am not new to the online dating experience, it is different for sure, especially at this age. I am not on here to see how many men I can go out with, I am only looking for one. I don't play games with anyone's head or heart, I expect the same consideration. I am a woman with many sides, I can dress up, dress down, whatever the occasion calls for. I love history, exploring small towns, finding the best out of the way places to eat. I enjoy being around the water, it brings tranquility to the soul. I enjoy motorcycle touring, festivals, cooking for family and friends, just to name a few. I am a Family oriented woman, a mother and a grandmother. I don't want us to have separate lives, I want us to enjoy both of our lives. I am not your ex so please don't compare me to her. I am my own person, I treat everyone I meet with the respect they deserve. I am kind and loving, would like to meet someone that is the same. I am tall, so I love being with a tall man, lets me wear all my heels:-) I do not want to email endlessly on this site, if you are interested in meeting, and I feel the same, let's meet.” Again, a good one. Here the woman is upfront that she is seeking a guy for a serious relationship – not something casual. Good to know. #3 “In my youth I lived in and traveled to several countries in Central and South America before I settled down to have a family. Those were great adventures. I spent 25 years caring for my family and nearly 30 running a home business to support us. Being a mom has been an even greater adventure. My youngest is 23 so the parenting is pretty much over. I loved being a mom and now I love being a grandmother. When I turned 65 this June I began thinking about the changes I need to make. I am downsizing my business. I am hoping to find a companion for new adventures. I am a Christian and my relationship with God is the foundation of my values and my life.” Short and easy to read. Guys loath lengthy profiles. Loads of info packed into a tiny space: Mom and grandmother. Widely traveled. Christian faith is important. Self-starter as she ran her own business. A guy knows right away if he would find this woman interesting or not. To sum up – while what every man is looking for varies by the individual, I think most good men hold some common traits important; good guys want to know you are a non-crazy, interesting woman. Comfortable with herself and someone that can see the beauty in a world that has its ugly side. A woman that takes care of herself as best she can and is willing to bring the guy into her life as well as allow herself to be immersed into the man’s life. I must say though I am getting discouraged by some of the garbage you are getting back from some guys you meet at the dating sites. I honestly don’t know what to tell you so as you do not run across the crumbs. I am sorry. I hear you that I may have misinterpreted the sassiness within the profiles earlier in the thread. Tone is very difficult to convey within a profile so maybe, if there is any question, it might be best to reword it. If I misread it, possibly other men might too. Or not, you never know. ??? Good luck - Mike

Please accept my sympathies on the loss of your dear husband. Deep down, a mother whose actions directly lead to the death of her son, cannot forgive herself and as a result, will lash out at anyone close to them. She may never lose her bad behavior as her self-imposed "life sentence" cannot be pardoned. Best wishes - Mike

I love you guys but no, I must respectfully disagree. Remember, the idea is to market yourself to the broadest swath of decent men on the site you belong to. I fear that both of these profiles try a bit too hard to be clever and come across as a bit smartassy. Yes, that's a word. I'm not confident guys on a site are seeking that. I don't want to be critical without offering what I think are good alternatives so, if I have time later, I'll post some profiles from sites that I would find beckoning as examples. If you shop your profile around and all your girlfriends think it is a home run, it probably isn't. After all, you aren't trying to land a woman. You have to write for the guys. This is true both ways - guys must write to appeal to the gals, gals must write to the guys. My first attempts at profiles were disasters until I had some women friends help me edit them. I had much better success after their input. Good luck - Mike

I have not been widowed twice yet either but it is on the horizon. My wife is now in a long term decline due to an incurable condition. She has her good months but the trend in always downward. I can see into the future and unless some unforeseen miracle occurs, she will precede me in death, sooner rather than later. We have planned for it as best we can and I have accepted the likelihood of me having to go through burying a wife again. From where I stand, right now it doesn't appear it will be as hard on me or the kids this time. We all have long ago accepted the fact that all things are temporary. Everything. I feel lucky to have the time I do with her. It's a gift - no matter how long or short it is. Best wishes, Mike

Congratulations Randy! So sorry I had to miss it. Mike

Darn! Can't make it. But if I did, I'd bring birch beer, scrapple, red beet eggs and corn pie to make it a true PA German picnic. Have fun Mike

I'm sure glad many of the women I know were not sticklers for the 'rules'. Goodness - what a load. Mike

A1. - Of course they can. But, having said that, it comes in all flavors. My youngest sons were roughly the same ages as your children when they lost their mother. Honestly, I think how you approach it with your kids has a large impact on how well it will be received. Further, since all kids are different and each family has it's own dynamic, the same inputs for each family will not have the same outcome. If you try/say something and it doesn't work out - try again with a new approach. I think it is key to be as open and honest as you can be about your dating status. I let my little guys know I was going out shortly before I started. (With a girl?! Yes guys, with a girl.") It didn't seem to be too big of a deal to them. I think it was partially due to the fact that I was pretty low key about it. Although I was stressing greatly internally, I didn't let it show. They had plenty of questions for me, such as: Will she be our new Mom? No. We are just going out for coffee/ice cream/whatever. Also, I did not have any of the women I went out with meet my sons (until my now wife and I had decided to date exclusively.) Additionally, I did not allow the kids to involve themselves with my dating life. They had no input whether or not I was dating, where or when I went out, etc. I was frank with them, I told them straight up it was adult business and not theirs. I didn't get much pushback from them. I know others have different thoughts regarding this issue but I will not allow my children to direct such an important part of my life. They aren't emotionally mature enough to be involved - but even if they were, for example my adult children, it's none of their business. Now, having said all that, you'd better be damn sure your prospective spouse has the kid's interests very near and dear to her heart along with her feelings for you. You have to weed out the pervs, golddiggers, and other assorted neer'-do-wells. Q2. - I don't want my boys to loose respect for me. A2. - Why would they? If they continue to see you treating women with the dignity and respect they deserve, just like you treated their natural mother, not only will they continue to respect you but will also gain a valuable lesson on how one should treat others. Oh, there may be some bumps and serious questions along the way, but this is then your opportunity to reinforce the love and respect you had for their mother along with an example of what it means to be an adult and how one should conduct himself. This whole mess is not for the faint of heart, but I'm sure you can pull it off. Best wishes and good luck - Mike

I'm not sure there are any problems here. Okay, the brother is an 'over-sharer' and the wife is an ass. But everyone has their special little 'things'. I'd just go with the flow. Your LH had his reasons to keep his birth family at arms length - and he did. But, that was then, this is now. I think you've done the right thing by reaching out to them all. To be a healer is a wonderful thing! Best wishes, Mike

How did I know? Oh, that's easy. I, like you, used on-line dating sites. I dated many women but one set herself apart just from her profile. I contacted her and we communicated once via email before setting up our first meeting. At that meeting she showed herself to be happy, bright in outlook, intelligent, lovely, exceedingly kind and patient with children and understanding of my situation. A major bonus was we shared the same religious background with corresponding ideas of morality and traditions. After a few more dates we discovered our ideas of child-rearing and finances were very much in sync. But, more importantly, we both had that spark for each other from the start. Each of our positive attitudes toward life in general were immediate draws for us. Our communication styles were also very similar. Honestly, for us, it was an easy decision to decide to date each other exclusively and to start plans for marriage not too long after that. All aspects of our lives just seemed to flow into each other's with a minimum of fuss. Seven years later, it still proves to be the right decision. Good luck, Mike

Insecure women (and men) project their fears onto innocent actions of others. It never occurred to the other woman that you were just talking to an older gentleman with no devious intent. She would never have done that without designs on his money. Pay it no mind - her actions say loads about her character - none of it good. Best wishes - Mike

Yes, PTSD can be treated. No, you do not have to just live with it if in fact you have it. No one can diagnose PTSD other than a well trained professional so seek out someone who is skilled in diagnosing and treating it. There are therapies that can help a great deal. Good luck, Mike

Heavy sigh. Oh my - so much mis-information. I know of no country, state, empire, city or other political subdivision that encourages "mentally unbalanced former military veterans to have access to ANY guns, let alone submachine instruments of death." Nowhere in the US can anyone buy (or use) submachine guns. You simply can not buy or use them without a very expensive and very rare license from the ATF. Even Police departments cannot own them. Submachine guns were not used in any of the murders previously mentioned. No, folks known to have serious mental instability cannot legally own firearms. But having said that, who decides when a person is deemed to be "mentally ill". Me? You? An psychiatrist? Ok, how do we get a person we suspect of mental instability to see an MD? By force? Lots of issues here for which I dare say none of us have workable answers yet. "Insanity and the NRA win again". You may not be aware, the NRA accepts no monies from weapon manufactures, lobbyists or any business entities for that matter. They are funded solely by dues from their individual members - who are your neighbors, relatives, workmates, and folks just walking down the street that you walk by every day. Truly the NRA is a club whose members are just like you except they hold a different viewpoint as to the need and application of the 2nd Amendment to the Constitution. Moreover, the claim on many lips that “guns” are the issue is correct only in the most abstract sense. To blame inanimate objects for Dallas, Orlando, or San Bernardino, is to deprive both the victims and their executioners of their fundamental humanity. The Dallas gunmen may be evil beyond comprehension, but it is their actions, not their weapons, that must be of principal concern to decent people. The killers, and not just the killing, must be condemned without equivocation. Far too few people are willing to do this. So, guns are an easy out. Enough of that. Back to the topic of this thread that Trying wanted to point out: Hatred - Mankind is tribal by nature. If someone thinks differently, they are not a careful reader of history and have not been paying attention. We are all members of the tribes we are born into and those that we join throughout our lives. Every one of us should do as much as we can to reach out to those unlike us and build the bridges to groups that are not of our own with great understanding and love. It is the only way. Best wishes, Mike

If the director really wanted to do something not only "heartwarming, inspirational, compelling and uplifting" but also filling a need that has been woefully ignored, she should produce a similar product highlighting young widowers. If one thinks there are slim resources in the US directed to young widows and/or single mothers, one should check into what is available for men in similar circumstances. I'm not counting TV programs or movies where the protagonist is a widower - those are pure fiction and have no bearing on real life. There is damn near nothing. Similarly, the scientific/medical literature also has very little for us. Just an idea - Mike

Well, if your new guy steps into that role fully, isn't that what he will be to DD? My wife has natural children, an adopted child, and is a step-mother to my sons. Honestly, one couldn't tell that by the way she loves and cares for each of them. I'm convinced, on their part, the kids all think of her as "Mom" in the course of normal day-to-day family life. In all of their minds, she is Mom. I guess what I am saying is, if your NG acts like it, he will be it. Best wishes, Mike

Well, that and you won't be able to eat on a patio during the day. At least you will always be sure how he likes his steak. Mike

Yes, of course it will. These are normal and natural feelings. Since you had not started full integration with the outside world until recently, these type of feelings were delayed until you have reengaged more fully with your new friends. They will pass - unfortunately, I don't think they can be avoided. Just put your head down and power through them. It will get better. Good luck - Mike