Portside

Deb, I mean this gently but firmly: Get yourself in front of someone that can help you - a trusted friend, doctor, priest or close relative, and let them know what is going on. I'm certain you know it is not healthy to have thoughts of harming yourself. I imagine it all feels overwhelming right now so reach out to someone else that can help talk you through it. You may be pleasantly surprised. Best wishes - Mike

Yeah - ignore it. Folks look at widows/widowers and can't imagine finding themselves in the same situation as us. It scares them to their very core. They try to think it through and some may come up with what they think they would do or say. Of course, they do not know how it would hit them at all. But they think they do. Because the very idea of such a catastrophe shakes them so, things are sometimes said that one may take as thoughtless. What they really are is uninformed - but how could you prepare for the early death of your spouse anyway? The essential part of the entire exchange with your DIL is this: She saw how you were/reacted concerning the death of your husband and it scared the hell out of her. She looked inward and tried to understand how she could cope with it and that scared her even further. What was said was uttered out of fear. Of course, I wasn't there but I'd just give her a pass on this one. I don't think she meant to hurt you. Merry Christmas - Mike

Five out of my six do (or did when they were teens). They are well balanced in all other aspects of their lives too - school, work, money management, friends, etc. The one that doesn't has a slow-moving trainwreck of a life - flunked out of college and lost her scholarship, poor work habits, and refuses to learn life skills from her mother or me. Some kids seem to know intuitively that what goes around comes around. Others - well, not so much. They may learn it in time or might never catch on. The only thing you can do is provide a decent example of how to live and hope for the best. Good luck and Merry Christmas! Mike

Well, if you want to get through it with a minimum of fuss, just accept whatever is coming from them. Nothing you do can change what the in laws are going to do. You are obviously having a tough go of it. Given what you have written, so are the in laws. We all get into trouble when we try to evaluate the level of pain others are going through. Perhaps they are doing the level best they can and your BIL truly couldn't bring himself to take your DD for even a week. From our point of view that may not seem like much of a burden. But we really don't know. And too, some folks are buttheads. And there is just no changing that. Best wishes and Merry Christmas - Mike

My late wife died in late April (of 2007). I began dating in July and started dating one woman exclusively the following January. We married a year and a half later and it has been wonderful. I have never been happier. Some folks thought it all rather hasty but our take on it was why delay marrying a person who is perfect for you. As it turns out, my R's health is now very poor and a long partnership is uncertain.But, even if she goes tomorrow, it would have been all worth it. As we all know, life is short and the future unclear. I hope to tell St. Peter that I tried mightily to wring every ounce of happiness from my time on earth. Best wishes and Merry Christmas, Mike

I can't remember folks names well at all either. One way around it is to ask NG to simply jump in the conversation and say "Hi, I'm New Guy, pleased to meet you." and stick out his hand for a handshake. That way, you aren't left scrambling for anyone's name. Mike

Central Ohio.

Oh yeah. For the last few years I would occasionally visit my wife's special ed classroom and help out. All the kids are wonderful, of course, but there is one tiny little slip of a thing who would reach out and hold onto my finger for as long as I was there (even if it was for hours). She doesn't speak and, as I understand it, doesn't make eye contact with anyone else. She just sits quietly and colors her papers all day, every day. And that is what she did when I was there, except she held onto me and would not let go. The days I didn't come she stood by the window just looking out - apparently, searching for me. My wife is retired now. Another special ed teacher now has Traci. I don't visit very often. I'm told that sometimes, Traci stands by the door and says "Papa, come?" That's all she will say at school. Somewhere, someone broke that child horribly which adds immeasurably to her severe cognitive difficulties. Her mother is in jail as is Gramma. Great-gramma is her only support. All my babies are grown and living their own lives. One is halfway around the world and one other is fighting in places so grim they fade to black and white in memory but a few moments after you've left. I'm worry about them but they have made their choices and I'm forced to accept it and content myself with that choice. But that little girl suffers unknown troubles everyday and it kills me to not be able to help her. My wife and I tell each other often we are past our child rearing years now. I'm not sure we've convinced one another. :'( Mike

No, absolutely not. I was unhappy in my previous marriage due to my late wife's mental issues but I would have never left her. But having said that, her passing allowed me and my children to find a joy and peace which was impossible when she was with us. Don't feel horrible - you've been given a second chance to be happy. Grab it and enjoy it. You were true to your late fiance' while you were together but, he's gone now. You aren't. Live a joyous and full life as best you can without recriminations. Best wishes - Mike

Do you like historical fiction? There are some fabulous books by Allan Eckert covering the settlement of NY, PA and our great state of Ohio. They cover the settlement of the Ohio River valley too. Look for The Frontiersmen, Wilderness Empire or The Conquerors. Many of the chapters cover geographical areas that you are familiar with (heck you live there!) and, if you are lucky, you can locate the exact spots along highways or parks that you've been to a zillion times. Great reading! Mike

If my sons started showing up in women's clothing I'd be amazed too. Mike

Good for you! I've decorated big every year since my late wife passed for all the holidays. The kids (and I) have always dug it as it gives us a huge sense of joy. Merry Christmas! Mike

Yep, I hear you. A few months after my wife took her own life I was talking to one of the policemen that responded to our house at that time. He told me "We were all a little surprised in the way your wife went out. We thought that she would try to take one of us with her." I know this sounds awful but he meant it nicely. My late wife had a long history of anti-social behavior when in one of her depressive spells. Poor kid and poor family. Mike

Oh Sam - I wish I had comforting words of wisdom for you. My late wife suffered from depression for 18 years (among other ailments) before she passed away. I can only tell you how I handled it but would never suggest someone else do it my way. We each have to make our peace with whatever choices we make. T.'s depression should have been evident to me when we first started dating but I didn't (or wouldn't) see it unlike yourself. It worsened over the years even though we took every step to try and combat her disease - Medication, therapy, institutionalization, prayer and every alternative treatment you can imagine. Some treatments worked for a time but nothing work long term. Her depression worsened and, ultimately, was the cause of her death. My wife's illness had a profound effect on me, our circle of friends, our children, the community and of course, her. It was as if we were all weighted down by the illness and no amount of forced happiness, talking through it, understanding or hand-holding removed that weight. Honestly, all of our lives were miserable the last ten years. May God forget me for saying this but after she died, even though the kids and I were grieving, we no longer felt as if we were slogging thorough the mud. There was a sense of the possibility of a happy and cheerful existence. And, 8 years later, we continue to have good, happy and fulfilled lives. When I started to date again, I was determined to not date anyone with a spot of depression. As I said earlier, this was only my choice - I'm not suggesting it is for anyone else. I simply couldn't go through it again and I would do all in my power to shield my children from the effects of depression. My now wife is a happy, upbeat and cheerful woman in the face of incredible trials. Her trials, while serious and deadly, are met with a positive outlook and a smile. It turns out that's all my family needs to be happy. If you are able to support your NG throughout his depression, my hat's off to you. You're a hell of a woman. But I just couldn't do it again. I don't know if your actions, be they understanding or keeping your distance when he is going through his rough spots, truly have any impact on his depression. It may be it only affects you. The disease is the disease and may well be going to do what it does. Best wishes and good luck - Mike

LB, Of course it's appropriate. I would meet with someone after any type of initial contact if they agreed to it. Two (or three) coffee dates in one day is fine if you can swing it - you don't owe any of these gentlemen exclusivity at this point. You are just getting to know them. As far as being too forward, in this day and age, you really have to go some to be too forward. Anything short of rubbing yourself all over a guy in the doorway of Panera's when you say "Hello" isn't too forward. Go out with each and have some fun! Good luck - Mike

Yes, sometimes they work. Sometimes they don't. I'm not being flip - you just don't know until you try so, if the doctor has recommended them, go for it. Keep an eye out for adverse side effects but generally, they are very rare. Good luck, Mike

I am very sorry to hear you were injured. Perhaps your head injury has caused your thinking to be, well, confused. Don't kind yourself - you aren't good for each other if your respective families do not (and will not) blend well. If this is truly the case, you each owe your nuclear families the good sense to break it off permanently. While you each are, of course, individuals, you also have a larger, more important role to play as mother/father to your respective broods. If they are constantly at each other's throats and neither of you can rein in your kids to establish some sense of peace and harmony with the collected group, get out for everyone's sake. Perhaps NGs lack of checking in on you stems from his identifying and accepting the role you assigned him. Do you honestly believe any good can come from using another as a 'distraction'? People are not 'distractions' - toys and card games are appropriate distractions. To use another as such is uncaring which is uncharacteristic of you. Good luck - Mike

Have you been peeking in the windows at my place SB? Yeah, I'm with you on this one Sister. I was always 'neat' but not a cleanfreak by any stretch of the imagination. But now, keep moving or I'll haul you out to the garbage barrel. I am always asking my long-suffering wife "What is this? Do we need to keep it?" etc. I don't lose sleep over it but messiness does cause me a bit of anxiety now. Definitely a change from 'before'. Mike

Another man's opinion here. If it were me, I'd seek out the offender and beat the living shit out of him with a baseball bat in front of his peeps. After he recovered, I'd inform him that his actions were that of a little-dicked, cowardly, rude wuss and if I ever hear of him saying it again, I'd track him down and give him another lesson, and the next time, I'd REALLY be pissed. Guys and gals, the phrase is not nice or cute by any stretch of linguistics or popular usage. It's a horrible, condescending, completely out of line thing to say to any woman - especially to a daughter. What a prick. Mike

Nope - my farm is in Berks - south of Mertztown abit up on the mountain. I live in central Ohio. Mike

TS, my grandparents had a farm in Longswamp township. I spent all my summers there as a kid. The old folks are gone now and the farm passed on to me and a cousin. We have it rented out now but I stop in now and then to touch base and get my PA Dutch on. More importantly, I stopped in at Dietrich's to load up on scrapple, smoked hams and ring bologna and to see if I could bring my Dutchiefied accent back. (it never really left - ) Mike

Rats! - I was just in Mertztown/Topton. Missed you guys by a few weeks. When you go don't forget to hit Reninger's and Letterman's Diner. Mike

I can only comment on a very small portion of your note. I bolded it. Specifically, the portion concerning how the dying feel. My experience was different than yours. I'm no priest, but it has been my privilege to be the last man many dying folks had contact with as I was a corpsman assigned to a Marine combat unit years ago. By and large, the grievously wounded knew they were dying and, generally, had made their peace with it - even if it was sudden and time was short. To a man, they merely wanted someone there to be with them, holding their hand or stroking their hair. Someone to tell them it would be all be alright even though all knew it wouldn't be alright. While the events leading up to their wounds were violent, their faces and final words were peaceful. A few guys whom I had given up for dead lived - no thanks to me. They lived through their injuries. While most I never saw again after they were medevaced, a few I did visit in the field hospital during their convalescence. I asked them about the experience of their near death. (Combat veterans are a ghoulish lot). Generally, it was a positive, dream like state with no pain or horror. Even the sounds of the battlefield had either been forgotten or never registered. I fully agree that folks around the dying (EMT's, nurses, bystanders, family, etc.) suffer terribly when present. Impending death can shake the most sturdy of any of us. It is harder on the ones left standing than those whose life is slipping away. I suppose that is just one of those unexplained things. I don't know if my comments add to your concerns about your group at all - I hope not. For me now, death is an easy concept and a very firm reality that doesn't trouble me - it's never far away from any of us. I suppose my age and life experience has put me in that place. A dead wife, a dead son and dozens of dead buddies can quish the horror right out of you. Either that or you go mad. I've made it simple in my little pea brain: you live, you die, you go to heaven (if you are a good guy), or go to hell (if you are a bad guy). Perhaps the discussions of the minutiae of death in your group or the endless talks of (ultimately) meaningless items have made the group hard to take. I hope I helped a bit (or did I just go off the rails completely and blather mindlessly?). Best wishes - Mike

This may sound Yoda-ish but my advice is to either do it or don't. There is no try. You seem to be dancing around the edges of a fully committed marriage and are unhappy with the results. Well, then change something. You have the power - just go ahead and jump in. You are already unhappy - change what you are doing to effect some change in your married life. There never is a time when all the planets align to make big changes in our lives. If you wait for that you will die an old, lonely, unhappy person. A poor plan, violently executed has a much bigger chance of success than a great plan halfheartedly executed. Take a deep breath, hold your nose, run up to the pool and dive in! I did, it worked for me, it can for you. Good luck - Mike

I don't know - I'm left rather conflicted about the path this woman has chosen. Her whole enterprise smacks of 'professional widowhood' which has always left me cold. Yes, I realize I am judging her but to monetize an emotional outpouring of other good people strikes me as a calculated offering and I am skeptical of her heart. Frankly, I'm troubled by it. If someone is able to learn from her and get back on their feet, super. But still. . . . :-\ Mike In any case, I don't find her writing compelling or originally insightful. That's just me I guess.